A Year Ago....Underlying Mental Health Issues

I was just reminiscing about last year at this time and wanted to share this for anyone feeling absolutely scared to death, confused, and possibly hopeless.

That's where I was last year at this time.  Looking back over some old blog posts I can recall feeling so lost, so confused, and not knowing what was going on with my son.

He was experiencing some pretty heavy delusions/hallucinations.  At the time I never described it because it seemed so personal, and so awful.  But since those are a thing of the past (I'll tell you why in a minute) I'll give you some examples of what it was like for us back then....

- he often saw a dead man hanging in his closet
- while driving, sometimes when he looked in the rear view mirror he saw someone in the backseat that was not there
- he saw and FELT people walking by him that no one else could see but he swore were real
- he felt that there was someone following him that wanted to kill him

Wow, no wonder I was a total wreck, and just imagine how horrible he felt.  Just for the record - he was not actively using at that time but may have been using in between drug testing which he means once a week he could get away with it since he was tested twice a week.

I had him seeing what I felt at the time was an excellent psychiatrist who also counceled Keven.  He spent a long time talking to him (at no extra charge) each week.  His diagnosis was extreme, he started out saying he was bo-polar and then switched that to schizo-affective disorder (similar to schizophrenia).

Luckily I had just completed NAMI's 12 week course for families of the mentally ill.  It was an intense course and I learned a lot.  I didn't accept either of these diagnosis because it didn't add up for me.  About that same time his psychiatrist retired and we were recommended to someone new.

I shared with his new doctor that I thought Keven was on all the wrong meds (I can't remember all of them, but one was Lithium).  He slowly took him off to get an idea of who the "real Keven" was.  After some trial and error he finally found the right combination of drugs and diagnosed him with what I knew was wrong all along:  panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and depression.  It was the wrong meds that were making him have delusions in the first place because he was not bi-polar or schizo-affective).

And guess what people with those disorders (or a combination of them) often do to feel better?  Right - they get high!

So the point of this post is two things:

1)  ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR OWN GUT INSTICTS ABOUT YOUR LOVED ONES!  You may not be en expert in mental illness, but you are an expert on your family.

2)  Many, many addicts are considered "dually diagnosed" meaning they have an underlying mental illness that contributes to their choice to use drugs in the first place.  One of the qualifications to be eligible for the court program that Keven is part of is to be dually diagnosed.  His judge believes that if both issues are treated, the addiction and the mental illness (which could be anything from depression - schizophrenia), the addict has a better chance of recovery.  Court monitors both.  Keven's PO used to come over when he lived here and literally pour out all his meds to count and make sure he was taking them every day.

3) Being on the right meds does not guarantee that the addict will stop using, but it sure makes it easier than if they are on the wrong meds or no meds when they need some. (the ones he's on now are all very common meds with little or no side effects).

4) No matter where you are today - things change.  I hope and pray that things change for the better for all of us.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Craving Heroin, or Crack, or Coke or all three...

I was very happy this morning (if you want to know why you can check my other blog, too hard to explain here).

Then when I got home Keven was having a hard day.  He went to probation today as (he goes every Mon. and Thurs.) and they were all told that there would be no probation on Monday due to Memorial Day.

Because of this "everyone" was offering him drugs since suddenly they had an entire WEEK before the next drug test and "they" offered him whatever he wanted.  One guy said he had a rig and heroin waiting at home.

Keven was tempted to the point that he was sick, literally.  He told me how much he loved the high.  He described it in detail.

I said "but is a 30 second high worth losing everything over?"

He said "yes, its that good."  He reminded me that people who have 20 years or more sometimes relapse.  He feels like he will never win this battle.

He's also upset that he has not been diagnosed and therefore has not been helped.  He feels like he will never be normal nor be in control of his impulses, horrible thoughts and the feelings of paranoia.

He still feels that something "bad" is going to happen but he's not sure if he will be doing something or if it will be done to him.

It feels like things go forward one step and then backwards two.  I feel helpless.  I don't know what to do.  Some doctor must be able to correctly diagnose him.

:(

P.S.  On a positive note:  he is super close to getting his high school diploma.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Even more anger

I am scared.
Not to the point of calling the police or anything, but I will if I have to.  He finally told me that three weeks ago he woke up feeling the same way he used to feel when he was on drugs.  He is barely able to control himself but is trying.  We have another urgent appt. with his dr. tomorrow but last week's obviously didn't help.  He says he's taking his meds but I know he stopped one (on drs. approval).  Why does he have to suffer this way?  I blamed it all on the drugs but so much of it is the mental illness...which is means its with him for life even if he stays off drugs.

Why does life have to be like this?

I feel sick.  I don't know what to do.  I am trying not to worry.  I just don't know what he's capable of doing.  He is aware that he doesn't want to be this way.  I see it in his eyes - he's even more scared than me.





Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

NAMI Class Four

Its kind of hard to explain what we learned tonight - it was about the brain and how if functions.  It was interesting to actually see photos of what a normal brain looks like compared to a brain with schizophrenia. 

We learned about the genetic component and what the percentage risks are of inheriting the disease.

One thing I learned was that schizophrenia is not necessarily a life long disease, it can be treated and never come back after a few episodes.  Bi-polar, panic disorder, major deppresive disorder, etc. are lifelong and need to be medicated.

We learned how all the brain chemicals work and it totally made sense as to why certain meds help certain conditions.

What I personally walked away with tonight a big question:

If addiction is a disease why can't it be treated like panic disorder or bi-polar?  Why isn't there a drug to balance the chemicals in the brain of an addict?  I do believe that addiction is a disease (took me years to accept that but I finally do).  But IF its a disease then why can't it be treated like all other diseases?  Its just as serious, or more serious in many cases, than mental illnesses, where's the medication to help the alcoholic stop drinking or the heroin addict to be able to say no or the smoker to stop smoking?  So maybe its not a disease.  I am confused.  Oh well, its way too late to be thinking about this tonight.

Lets keep encouraging each other, I know a few people need some extra support right now.

P.S.  There is a new social networking site for young adults/teens with mental illness.  If you are interested let me know I will post the link.  I have not checked it out but the young woman that leads our class spoke highly of it.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

1st Family to Family Meeting

Just got home from the NAMI meeting I wrote about yesterday.

Lots of hurting and confused families.  There were 25 people there representing about 12 different loved ones.  Most of the participants were there for their children (Keven being the youngest represented and the oldest being 58!  This very elderly lady was there to learn more about her 58 year old daughter's illness.)

I walked away with several things but I'll share the overwhelming feeling I have right now:

Gratefulness.

I am so thankful:

- that Keven wants to be well and willingly takes his meds (so far)
- for the Recovery Court program that recognized he deserved a chance and was a valuable human being rather than a criminal (all drug offenders deserve this!)
- that he has such a damn good psychiatrist that actually TALKS to him for a half hour each visit and has put him on the right meds
- that this meeting is one mile from my house!  Some people drove a long distance to get there, I lucked out

Two other things I learned: 

1)  Lithium works well for a lot of people but if you stop taking it and start again it loses its efficacy.   

2) It was easy to see who was angry, in denial, sad, frustrated and desperate, etc.  I guess I would fall into the category of being worried but hopeful.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

NAMI Family to Family Course

update:  
Please read the comments on this post, especially the one by Her Big Sad, it explains so much about why some people just can't stay off their drug of choice and end up in life cycle of misery.

Starting tomorrow night I will be participating in this 12 week course.  It was highly recommended to me by Kev's probation officer.  I'll be honest - coming to terms with his mental illness is in many ways harder than his drug addiction.  I get drug addiction.  But mental illness?  My kid?  Yet, it is what it is, I want to learn as much as I can. 

Here's the link for details if anyone is interested in learning more about it.

What does the course include?

• 
  
  
  
  Current information about schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar disorder (manic depression), panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder, and co-occurring brain disorders and addictive disorders
• Up-to-date information about medications, side effects, and strategies for medication adherence
  
• Current research related to the biology of brain disorders and the evidence-based, most effective treatments to promote recovery
  
• Gaining empathy by understanding the subjective, lived experience of a person with mental illness
  
• Learning in special workshops for problem solving, listening, and communication techniques
  
• Acquiring strategies for handling crises and relapse
  
• Focusing on care for the caregiver: coping with worry, stress, and emotional overload
  
• Guidance on locating appropriate supports and services within the community
  
• Information on advocacy initiatives designed to improve and expand services

How can I find a course in my area?Family-to-Family classes are offered in hundreds of communities across the country, in two Canadian provinces, Puerto Rico, and Mexico.

P.S.

Update:  Thanks for the comments :)

The issue was not really the shirt, it was the fact that something was not "as it should be" and it was causing stress and anxiety.  I helped him look not because I didn't think he couldn't find it without my help, but because I just wanted to lend a hand.  Someday the shirt will show up, but in the meantime he learned:

1) he was capable of getting through a difficult situation and

2) his mom was willing to join in the search rather than thinking it was just some silly old shirt.  I've had to learn that his panic disorder is caused not by major life events (going to jail - no big deal, he can handle that) but by little everyday things "what if I'm late to meeting?  where is my shirt?  etc."



His new "Rage Against the Machine" t-shirt is missing.

This doesn't sound like a big deal, but he's obsessed with finding it and I just helped him look everywhere and can't find it either.  He keeps saying "its not that big of a deal" but I can tell its one of those small things that feels huge to him.

Back when he was getting high I would never have helped him look for a shirt.  I would have been mad that he was acting obsessed over it.  I would have blamed it on the drugs and been disgusted.  I would have been cold and indifferent and blamed him for losing something while under the influence.

But tonight watching him try so hard NOT to care about where the shirt is really got to me.  I told him it was normal to get frustrated and not be able to find something, but I think he knows and I know that his "normal" is a bit different.  He looked very concerned, yet remained totally calm.  That in itself was unnerving, I am not used to this mellow, balanced Keven.  It almost creeps me out, yet its so pleasant.

I find myself really, really wanting to find that shirt just to give him a little peace of mind.  He's doing so well.  I am proud of him.  But its hard to see some of the things that are surfacing.  This shirt issue seems so trivial, but I felt like sharing about it anyhow.

Working on Overwhelming Project

I had no idea how taxing both emotionally and physically this project would be.  I am tired and feel sick and I am only half done.  I am creating a document for the judge that will evaluate K's case next week.  Its a summary of his mental health history.  Its making me realize that I knew something was wrong, I took action, but I did not push hard enough for results and/or he seemed better.  Wish me luck.


I need to feel better, my boyfriend arrives tomorrow for a week long stay to celebrate my birthday.


I wonder if K will be out for my big day?  (50!)  I kind of hope so, but I kind of hope not.  Sigh.  Its never easy having a concrete describable thought when it relates to loving a heroin addict!