"I woke up in love this morning, went to bed with you on my mind"

WARNING:  I am in a weird mood.  Anyone who recognizes the above lyric and the "band" that performed it will agree....weird.  I am not in love, and I have no one on my mind (except maybe David Cassidy).

I just finished getting caught up on all the blogs I read by parents of addicts and by addicts.  It feels good to be caught up and feels good to see so many comments left for each other to support one another in this "adventure" (nightmare is more like it).

I've been blogging for six years now.  For the longest time I had a blog where I just wrote about "whatever", it was called "Ramble On" in the beginning and then I changed the name to "Writing from the Inside Out".  Not to brag, but at one time it was quite popular and I had loyal readers from all over the world that stuck with me through the years.  I also had an "award winning music blog" that other music bloggers called "the neighborhood bar where we all stop after work to have a drink and talk about music").  Both those blogs have gone by the wayside because of this one.

I tried to hard to keep those blogs alive, I didn't care so much about the blogs themselves, but about the relationship built, the friends.  There were people that I had "been with" through some good and bad times of their lives.  One blog friend fell in love, got married and had two kids while I knew her.  There were deaths, births, joys, sorrows.  Most of those people moved on but some still come here to read (thank you) and I realize those people are with me for the long haul.

It seems weird to non-bloggers that these kind of bonds can be built with "strangers".  We know better, don't we?  And of all the bonds, none have been as important or strong as the ones I have formed with other parents.

Without you I don't know how I would have gotten through the last few years, and I don't want to go the next few without you.

This was not EVEN what I had intended to write just now!  It just came out.  I will write what I intended to write some other time.  Right now I have to get in the shower then drive to Long Beach, then to Garden Grove to visit MY BOY.  My wonderful son who today, makes me happy.  There were days when I felt the opposite - I actually wondered if life would be better without him because of the intense pain, sadness, anger....I'll take the good times when I can get them.

(I have an Anthony update for later)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Top 100 Blogs for Overcoming Addiction

UPDATED!

I had the wrong link here, oops.  I fixed it. Did you know that many of our blogs are listed on this site, Nurse Practioner?  They sent me this "blogfrog" award and as I looked through the list of "Top 100 Blogs on Overcoming Addiction" I saw several of my blog friends there!

 It seems like an excellent resource and its nice to know that nurses are  educating themselves in this area by reading blogs.  One more step in the right direction for everyone involved with addiction.

Thank you, Nurse Practioners!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

My Sacred Insanity

My friend, Shawna, has been away from her blog for some time, but she's writing again!

Shawna is a recovered addict who's been through soooo much in her life, more tragedies than most of us will know in a lifetime.  She's a talented writer, a committed mother and wife and has a ton of wisdom and compassion.  She managed to overcome a lot and shares her strength with others.

Her son is a young teen and I know a lot of us can look back to those days and remember what it was like entering those years with concerns of drugs, etc.

Shawna is going to be advocating for mental health care in teens to help prevent self medicating and suicide.  I wish I could have been more pro-active when Keven was younger in helping him deal with some issues so that self-medicating didn't become his way of coping.

Check her out at "My Sacred Inanity"


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Note to Tina at "Just For Today I Will...."

Tina, I don't have your email so am hoping you see this, or that someone who has your email can let you know.  The middle column of your blog is too narrow to leave a comment, it won't allow us to see the word verification.  Here is what I intended to say to your post of today:

You have every reason and right to be frustrated by this. I am in the same boat and its very discouraging. I can't afford another rehab or a sober living but I don't want my son here or on the street. He's safe in jail today but may be out in as little as a few days or a month and a half. I don't know what the answer is but I feel your frustration and hope we can all find solutions to help our addicts. I think there is a difference between helping and enabling. There are lots of views on how to define both but I think wanting to help someone live in a safe place is not enabling. On the other hand, so many say that when their kid was finally on the street they turned their life around. Like you, I am not ready for that and would suffer a lot if it happened. All of this is hard, confusing and painful :(

April 25, 2011 10:41 AM

Word verification 

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

A Better Year for Most of Us

After reading many blogs yesterday I saw a hopeful "trend" of  many of our loved addicts being in a better place this Christmas.  I am very sad that Ron's son is in jail, I think its ridiculous, but on the bright side he had been doing super good up to that point, huge change from last Christmas.

Some have come home from jail/prison, others will be home soon.

Some are in Residential Treatment or other types of treatment right now.

Some are on their own but managing to stay clean.

Some have a long time of sobriety behind them (Bmelonlemonade for one).

For those of you who have a child or other loved one still using, I understand.  Its painful.  Hoping, fear, praying, worry, crying, anger, hopelessness, whatever the emotion may be I still feel them all, but at a much lesser level.  Please hang in there, it may take a long time (I hope not) but from what I am seeing MOST addicts eventually get to the point that they are just done with it.  For some its longer than others.


I'll be honest, Anthony will be home in 15 days.  My stomach is in knots when I think of it because he's 23 now and he's been in and out of trouble with drugs and crime since he was 14 (when his dad left him in stolen car since he was a juvenile and would get a lighter sentence!)  I can't say I have high hopes for him but damn it, I want to be wrong.

My son is doing well at the moment.  I am not naive enough to thing he's "done" but I do have a strong hope for that.

I will be thinking of each and every one of you this Christmas.  I am so thankful for this group of bloggers, you have been my support group, my role models, my friends with loving arms and warm words (cyber hugs can be felt, I can feel them!).

THANK YOU!!!!!  

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

P.S. Keven at age ?? months, my little teddy bear :)

I Got To Meet One of You Today!!!

I had the PLEASURE of meeting Lisa C today!  It was like being with a long time friend even though we had never met.  She is even more wonderful in person than on her blog (if you can imagine that!).  Oh how I wish we could ALL meet up someplace.  I think other people that know what we experience as parents of addicts can be understanding and empathetic, but there is no way you can KNOW what it feels like unless you've been in the unwanted shoes.

Lisa and I talked about how it is to find a new blogger just starting out on this "journey" and remembering having the exact same reactions and ideas when we were new to all this.  I just want to encourage those people by saying:  There will be a day when you can sit and laugh and have a wonderful time again.  I sure did today!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

The Truth Hurts - But Its the Truth

How many of you read the blog DHAM!! by Dawn?

If not, it should be required reading for all parents of heroin addicts. But be warned, she may piss you off, or, (if you are sensitive like me) hurt your feelings. I laugh as I type that because I am not the same person I was early on when my feelings got hurt by her honest comments.

Now I look at her with admiration and respect. She has earned the title of "expert" on this topic, although I am sure she wishes she weren't.

Her daughter has been using for 11 years and Dawn was just like most of us in the beginning. Her attitude is not out of harshness or lack of love, its based in reality.

When I find myself arguing (in my mind) against something she says its because I just do NOT want to accept that my son may never stop using.

I remember when he got home from jail and Phoenix House. Six months clean. I was full of hope, but fearful because I knew it would be so much easier for him to get away with it.

Then it he had 7, 8, NINE months! I was bordering on being confident, almost proud, that he had gotten this far and thought surely he would not use again after NINE WHOLE MONTHS. (I will pause here to allow for snickering from wise parents that see the naivety).

Anyhow, he used again. And again, and again. He got caught went to jail a few nights, got pushed back in his court program. Whatever. Will he use again? I am certain he will. I don't kid myself anymore. I hear the words but I don't believe them.

Same with Anthony. God I love them both so much! But Anthony has been using for four years and has been to jail too many times to count, been in the hospital for an OD, and been in the hospital ON LIFE SUPPORT after an OD. He lost his mother to drugs. He shot up his best friend with bad stuff and watched him fucking DIE. Yet, he continues to use - even from prison. He says he's done. Sigh. Words mean nothing but I want desperately to see it happen this time.

So...yes, I hope they both stop. But do I expect them to? No. Not at all. Its sad but true.

Thank you, Dawn.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Dad on Fire

I have a ton of respect and appreciation for Bill Ford of Dad on Fire.  He knows addiction from all angles.  He is a recovered addict, he is a parent to addicts.  Bill is also a strong voice for change in drug policy and  educating people about addiction.

He is featured in Intervene, please stop by and check it out.

Each and every one of you is in my thoughts and prayers every single day.

I miss Lou from Subdural Flow :(

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

A New Blog to Embrace

Jake's Mom left a link to a new blogger, Mother of a Beautiful Boy.
Reading her latest post was like a step back to last year for me.  I can remember feeling the exact same way.  So many mixed feelings.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Helplessly Hoping ~ Let Go Hang On

I just finished reading Peggy's blog, Helplessly Hoping, where she shares the details of getting her daughter Hayley into Detox to be followed by Rehab.

It's quite a story!  It seems like just yesterday that her daughter wanted nothing to do with recovery or getting better and now she's in the process.  The long, difficult, process has begun so we can hope and pray she sticks with it.  Peggy is relieved to have her there but it brings a new concern "will she stay?".

Do we ever stop wondering if they will stay on the right path?  Even after three years of staying clean someone I know and love dearly relapsed recently and it was devastating because I had not expected it.

Anna's daughter, Let Go Hang On, is also staying clean right now and is at home with her family.  Its been wonderful to read about her the last week or so - how she's been working in the yard with her dad, playing tennis with her sister, visiting her grandmother.  It sounds so healthy....yet she still has demons to battle.  Such a sweet girl.

Both these young women have loving families and so much to live for, so much potential (don't all our kids?)

Its funny, I see a bit of my son in almost all the addicts I know.  That makes me wonder if its they type of personality that becomes an addict or if its the type of personality you develop because you're an addict?

As for my son - he just left for probation.  I LOVE probation : )  I wish he could stay on it forever...just kidding...sort of.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

A Different Focus

When I started this blog it was called "The Needle and the Damage Done".  At that time my son was active in his addiction to heroin and I was living the nightmare that is familiar to many parents who read here.  Since August 20, 2009 the focus has slowly changed, and although my son still thinks about and talks about heroin every day, its no longer the number one issue we are dealing with.

I changed the name to "Recovery Happens" when my son entered into a rehab after three months in jail.  I felt hopeful.  I wanted my blog to reflect that.

In January 2010 while living in a rehab, my son admitted himself to the psychiatric unit of a hospital.  He had five months clean from drug use but was experiencing intense panic attacks and thoughts of suicide to the point that he knew he needed to be "locked up" for a few days.

At that time they took him off all his medication and diagnosed him with Bipolar Disorder.  Part of me was relieved because it sounded like he only had "one thing wrong" now, but the truth is all the other things he experienced are part of Bipolar!  (panic attacks, severe depression, obsessive thinking, paranoia, general anxiety and mood swings).

I joined NAMI and began learning all I could about Bipolar and continue to learn and find resources.  Although there doesn't seem to be a support network of blogs out there, I've found blogs written by people diagnosed with it, but not many by family members (if you run across any let me know!)

This is really hard to say, to admit.  I feel ashamed and naive but I want to be honest:  When I first heard Keven was Bipolar I was relieved.  I thought it was the answer to all his problems.  He would take some meds, feel normal and be able to avoid heroin.  Life could resume as planned and he would have a productive future and supply me with plenty of grandkids.

I wish.

Bipolar, as I'm seeing firsthand, is very serious and very complicated and he may or may not be able to function in the world like most people do.  I am still in denial about that possibility, I mean - he seems fine most of the time!  He looks so normal!  He has friends, drives, has a girlfriend, talks to groups, meets all his legal obligations...Surely he's going to be JUST FINE.

I am hoping for that.  I want to believe it.  It IS possible.  But in the meantime each day is a new adventure in "how he will feel".  I can almost sense an aura around him of constant discontent.  Its like he's always fighting it, always one step away from something negative.  When he's with his friends he seems distracted, that's the only time I hear him laugh.  Around the house he shows little emotion or is grouchy.  Last week was hallucinations and fear, who knows what next week will be like.

So, all this to say, I may be focusing on talking more about Bipolar here.  I still have my "other boy" who battles addiction to heroin, but for now, he's nice and safe in prison.  I feel kind of lonely in this Bipolar stuff.  I don't even know how I would encourage a parent of a young adult that's been diagnosed.  But I do know all about drug addiction so there is no way I am going to stop reading, caring about and praying for all the people that are still in the thick of that evil battle.  I am well aware that Keven is always one step away from picking up a needle again.

Thanks to all of you who read here and care about my boy and me.  I appreciate you beyond what words can convey.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Blog Therapy!

If you've read here in the last posts you know the frame of mind I was in.  But I was still so curious and concerned about many of you I started going down the list checking up on all of you.


The first three blogs I read were all by women that made me smile and or laugh as they shared something fun - something non-related to the usual stuff.


So thanks Sherry for your dating adventures (we should write a book for women over 40 dating online....and how not to bother!), Lisa for your road trip to the Mojave, and Club 33 and Annette for the knitting club.

i wish i could turn back the clock and freeze time 

PS
I was thinking of combing my blogs again instead of trying to keep up with two, but when I took a poll over a year ago on my other blog if people would prefer not to hear about all the depressing stuff related to Kev and his addiction, they all many politely said "yes, you need a separate blog for that".  That's when I started a blog called "Needle and the Damage Done".  I changed the name to "Recovery Happens" when my son started to show signs of.... recovery!


Sometimes I feel like I am a MPB (multi-personality-blogger) and I am kind of tired of it.  I appreciated the ladies above reminding me I can write about any topic here....but I still think I will keep the two blogs for now.


PSS
For right now, things are calm here.  Keven let me hug him and I reminded him that he's gotten through tougher times and this too will pass - he just has to hang on tight.  I used the analogy of when I taught him how to Boogie Board when he was 6, if you let go the wave will take you under, toss you around and could possibly drown you, but if you HOLD ON TIGHT and DON'T Let Go, you will stay on top.  Of course at age 6 I never let him go way the hell in the ocean out there by himself, I waited till he was 7 for that :)  


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Tears

Good thing I didn't bother with mascara today!

I just left a comment for Her Big Sad saying I'd been crying for the last hour as I read blogs and experience hope, despair, fear, love...and then I got a letter from Anthony.

His letter broke the floodgates and I cried like I haven't cried in months.  My anger at him dissipated a few weeks ago.  I got a letter from him last week and wrote to tell him that I was not mad, just sad (my new mantra for him and Kelly).

The letter he wrote ripped my heart.  First of all he started it out with "Dear Mommy", not as a ploy to get to me emotionally, but because he has a scared little boy inside and I am the mom he never had.  His mom wasn't capable of loving him, teaching him right from wrong, comforting him.  I wish I would have met him when he was 12 years old, maybe I could have raised him and Keven as brothers and kept them both away from drugs.... (wish in one hand and spit in the other* - that's what my grandpa would of said to that statement!)

Anyhow, his letter was intense.  He's in there for at least 10 months unless  he can get a work program, even then he will be in until October.  He was very upset to hear about Kelly's OD, car crash, etc.  He asked me to please say to her all the things I said to him last time he was in jail (which obviously didn't help him....)

The psychiatrist in there things he's Bi-Polar and has him on some meds but they aren't helping him.  He can't control his mood swings. He's going nuts in there this time.

Of course he said all the usual stuff about never using again...I let that go in one ear and out the other.  But I want to believe it.  I've been missing him so much but am so glad he is in there.

He says there is heroin everywhere in there and he is saying NO to it.  Pretty sad that its so easy to get inside a prison, but that's how it is I guess.

He also said Keven is his idol right now.  I wish Keven would give him the time of day and at least write  him a note, but he wants nothing to do with him.  I respect that, yet it makes me sad for Ant.

Last night we had a good chat on junkjunk.  I know a lot of us have Peggy on our minds today.  If you haven't been to her blog yet today stop by there and read her amazing tribute to her daughter, Hayley, who is 31 years old today.

* I think this means that to "wish" for something is a waste of time, but I never really got the "spit" part.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

NAMI Class Three and Learning More About My Son

Tonight for the last half of our three hour meeting we went around the room and shared about our loved one and their diagnosis.  It was heart wrenching.  Several tears were shed.  I think in many ways its hardest for a spouse who's husband or wife becomes mentally ill in the middle of what was once a great marriage.  One woman shared that her 18 year old son has already determined that he will never have children in fear that he will pass his dad's bi-polar along to his own children, and he also lives in fear of it himself.

People throw around the term "bi-polar" likes its not that big of a deal, but for someone who has it or is living with someone who has it, its horrible.  I don't even want to list the things Kev has been diagnosed with.  Its funny, I have no problem sharing about his drug use, but still have a hard time even using the term "mental illness". 

When it was my turn to share I started with his mention of suicide at age 6.  My first warning sign.  I  also shared the worst night of my life (well one of them) which involved Keven in a wild and violent frame of mind, high on who-knows-what - I thought one of us was going to die that night.  I thought it would be him.  By some miracle, I talked him down and a few days later he was in rehab (the first of three times, the third time was Phoenix House and I am so THANKFUL for that place, I highly recommend it to anyone with addiction or dual diagnosis.)

Forgive the rambling way this post is written, I know its not composed very well but I just need to get it all out so I can sleep.

The very final person to share tonight was the man who leads our class.  I think quite a few of us cried during what he shared.  I'll just say this:  there is so much hope for people with mental illness that get help and keep taking their meds.  Some people have lived through nightmares are are living fulfilling lives today.

Lastly I will share something Keven said to me tonight.  He's been spending a lot of time with "Kelly", Anthony's girlfriend.  They have been close friends for years.  They went to an NA mtg. last night which brought up a lot of bad memories for him.  He told me about how he and Kelly would stay up all night shooting cocaine and how he'd come home to go to bed and lie in his bed and cry because his arms hurt so much and he felt so damn helpless like he would never be able to get off the coke and/or the heroin.  I can't tell you how grateful I am today to hear him talk about this stuff rather than live it...and I also ask myself "why didn't you do something sooner?  how could you be so blind?  what were you thinking?"

I'm still scared every day that he may break down and use.  I am not fooling myself that he's "better" but he has made tremendous strides and I am so proud of him.  I love him so much.  I am such an emotional wreck after hearing all those stories tonight....

I've been reading your blogs - the mix of good and bad news.  I'm so glad I have all of you to share with.  I know we've come to care a lot about each other and our children...and I am thankful for the people who read here just to be supportive, and those that are fighting addiction this very moment, or who have overcome it.  We're all in this world together and we need each other.  

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Dad and Mom's Son

Their son, who was doing so well, had a relapse.  I'm sharing this but most of you who know them have probably already been to their blog and seen the sad news.


It can happen at any time for any of our loved one's.  Its not even my son and I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach when I hear that kind of news.


Why?  Why does it have to be this way?  Why do so many turn to drugs in the first place?  What is the answer?  How do we change things?


And what do you say?  What words can we possibly use to express to Dad and Mom how sorry we are to hear this news (all the while secretly being thankful it was not our child but knowing it very well could be at any time). 




Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

My Other Blog...

I have too many blogs.


I started this one over a year ago when Keven's addiction took over my life and therefore my blogging.  I did a poll on my "main blog" and asked my readers (there were quite a few) if they preferred me to continue writing about "it" or start a new blog on the topic of drug addiction.

The majority of them said "start a new blog".  I think it was uncomfortable, maybe boring (?) for them to read about heroin addiction in my teenage son.  Many of them had known him since I started blogging in 2005.

So, I started a blog called "Needle and the Damage Done".  Some of you remember it.  I changed the blog name and template to "Recovery Happens" at the point that I decided to focus on the positive, that yes indeed, it can happen, it does happen, its happening.

Some of my long time, wonderful, faithful, loving supportive blog friends read both blogs (thank you for caring!).  I lost a lot of readers on the other blog, and my classic rock blog literally died until I invited some co-authors.  A guy named Dan brought it back to life for me (thanks, Dan!)


Anyhow, my point is, sometimes I can't keep up with these two blogs, plus my blog about rape (updated sporadically).  So I am going to be doing more cross-posting.  And when I do you can just click on this pic in the post and go read it at the other place.

I hope this is as clear as mud.  If not, just ask :)

P.S.  I am very disappointed in Blogger lately, they won't let me move gadgets (someone told me why but I forgot) or let me put my link list on my other blog.  I am not made enough to switch to Wordpress cause I am not up for learning anything new at the moment even though WP blogs look so much nicer (usually).


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Comments = Strings

I was just re-reading some old posts and comments.   I was going to link back to old posts from when Kev was deep into his addiction, but I will save that for another day.

Today I just want to quote myself from my music blog and say:

A blog without comments is like a guitar without strings.

The guitar without strings has potential.  They come in all styles and colors and some are works of art and craftsmanship, in other words, they are nice to look at and can easily be appreciated to someone who has never heard a guitar being played.

But add the strings (comments) and the guitar becomes complete.  In the right a guitar can create so many a stirring and unique sounds, its endless!   Comments make a blog come alive with conversation and viewpoints.


So thanks for adding your "strings" to my guitar.  We don't always share the same views (taste in music) but we all want harmony.



Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Boundaries Vs. Rules

Be sure to check out the latest post on Intervene written by Ron Grover (aka "Dad"). 



Here is a small snippet:

I have learned that there is a big difference between rules and boundaries. Rules are easy. Rules are set and everyone follows. Boundaries are not rules. Boundaries help direct  your universe when the rules do not apply or are not relevant. My lack of clear boundaries for myself gave me permission and allowed me to justify enabling my son’s drug use. This has probably prolonged his addiction. This is a regret I live with every day.

Boundaries are healthy for you and those surrounding you. I cannot change my addict’s behavior by setting rules. Any success for me in dealing with my son’s addiction is a result of setting good boundaries for myself.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Wow

Reading through some of the blogs out there.  Lots of heartbreak, pain, confusion, loss.  But also Hope.

If I haven't said it recently, thank you.  Thank you to everyone who reads here and cares (if you comment or not).  I am so grateful for the support and the wisdom and opinions.

Like I said to Debby in a comment, we are all unique, our stories different, but we share some common bonds.   Everyone has difficulties to deal with if its an addicted child, an elderly parent to care for, loneliness, cancer, lost pets, no job, divorce, a child with a serious illness, suicide the list goes on.  Fortunately the good is out there too...babies, recovery, dogs, love, music, kissing, nature, friendship....

We are all in this thing called life together. 

I am glad I've run across your paths. 

my happy boy

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Your Mission, if you choose to accept it, visit this blog:

"One Mom Talking" has a really good post today.  She asks the question "what is your passion" and her words are uplifting and positive.  Visit her and let her know what your passions are :)


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara