What Happened

I still don't feel like talking about what happened, which is unusual for me since I obviously am very open on this blog.  But I want to share, its not shocking or anything out of the ordinary for an addict, it just hurts me deeply this time so its hard to talk about.  It hurts because its a sign of how far he still has to go, and that scares me.  How much of his life is going to be lost to this disease?  When will it be under control to the point that he can work, socialize, and enjoy life?

Here is what happened...when we were in court last week (Tuesday) the judge found out he got a ticket while driving his car.  He has a valid licence and is legally allowed to drive, but she had not given him permission to drive.  I was not clear on this - it seemed kind of nebulous to me.  In my mind he was not allowed to have a car while in Cornerstone, but that didn't mean he was not allowed to drive ever.  ANYHOW the point is, she was pissed off.  Again.  He had come to court feeling really good that day because Cornerstone had written a report for his file about what a help he had been to them with some new guys who had a bad attitude (they listened to Keven but weren't willing to listen to the staff).  So he thought he was going to get positive comments from the judge, and got the opposite.

When he went into probation on Thursday his PO told him to come back in the morning on Friday and turn himself in because he needed to spend the weekend in jail for driving the car.  Keven had done this before with  no problem.  Overnights and weekends or even weeks in jail are familiar to him and he accepts that as part of the program he's in, when you mess up you spend some time locked up.

But this time, he was feeling very defeated.  He felt like he could not possibly get through this program (he still has 18 months more to go with the court program, but would have been out of Cornerstone in 2 more weeks).  He decided the option was to run away and was seriously going to do it.  I talked him out of that by reminding him I could take anything he did - except run.  I've told him that a million times.  Running from your problems is NEVER the right solution, it always makes them worse in the long run.

So, he decided that if he was going to spend the weekend in jail, he'd get high first.  He hadn't even tried to buy anything yet, but was walking on a street in Santa Ana and the police stopped him for looking suspicious.  (young white guy in an area known for drugs - legitimate reason to stop him).  He immediately told the cops he was on probation (they are required by law to do so) and they immediately handcuffed him and took him in.

I have no idea what the charges are.  He dropped the money so all he had on him was a lime.  To me that was evidence enough.  Why would you walk around with a lime in your pocket unless you were going to use it to dissolve heroin (it works faster than water...or something like that).

So not only did he violate probation but he picked up a new charge.  We think he will be kicked out of Recovery Court which means he will have to serve time for his original offense (felony possession charge) which equals 16 months in prison minus time served, for him it would be 11 months minus 2/3 time (due to overcrowded prisons/jails, CA  has 2/3 time served).

We will retain our wonderful attorney one last time to try and get the judge to agree to jail time versus prison time.  Some people don't know the difference between jail and prison, maybe I'll write about that in the next post.

Thanks for caring about my son and me.





Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Arrested Again

I don't feel like going into detail right now but wanted to let you all know that Keven is in jail.  His attorney said he will most likely be kicked out of Recovery Court and will face prison time at a minimum of 16 months.

The only words I can use to describe how I feel are familiar to many of us:

Scared
Angry
Hurt
Sad
Sick
Numb
Worried

Mostly sick, like I swallowed a huge rock.

Help...i cant do this

Accepting the Things We Can Not Change....

Anthony did not get out today.  But, all parties (him, Kels, Kev) are handling it with maturity by accepting the things they can not change.  I am impressed.

After getting up at 5:00 am and getting out to Norco, we got a call from him saying that they just told him (as in this morning!) that he can't get out till Sunday because he's on "high control probation" and has to see his PO within a certain amount of hours after leaving prison.  So that means I will drive out on Sunday to pick him up but Kels will not be able to go with me.

She had an elaborate day planned, had her hair and nails done, got a sexy new outfit, several surprises for him and got the day off work.  So she was disappointed but going with the flow.

It seems a bit ridiculous to me that prison waited till literally the last minute to say "guess what, you don't get to go home today after all!".  I will stop here so I am not tempted to say anything mean about our prison system.

Check out my other blog for something I am putting over there related to prisons, I was going to put it here but want more people to see it.

Thanks for caring about Ant.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

ONLY TWO MORE DAYS TILL HE'S OUT!

(photo from last January during one of the brief moments they had together before Ant was back in prison)



Anthony has served a ten month sentence so we (his grandparents, brother, girlfriend, Keven and me) are very excited for the big day.  FRIDAY!

Kels and I will drive down to Norco and arrive by 7:30 am, wait two hours and then get to hug him for as long as we want.

First stop after that is a noon NA mtg. for the two of them (his request) at which time I will drive to get Keven and then see a HUGE reunion of "the brothers".  They have been like two ships* in the night for the last two years.  Then off to Grandma's house to surprise her (she doesn't except him till Saturday) and then all of us will go to lunch which my generous sister offered to pay for.

I think this warm welcome will get him off to a good start.  Mail has been slow in prison the last month and he thinks we are all mad at him and wasn't sure who was coming to get him.  Ha.  I will drive the "good car" and he will have a huge birthday gift waiting for him and I will chauffeur them to the meeting.

I am looking forward to it - but mostly to seeing Keven and Anthony reunite.  Kev and Kels are both going to tell him straight up - one word, or even "that look" about drugs and we are out of here.

*drug addicts in the system would be more appropriate



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Sweet Prison Visit!

Seeing Anthony today was great!

I had never been to a prison before, it sounds so intimidating compared to "jail" but it was a lot nicer place.  This is not Chino, he got transfered.  Chino is notorious for violence so I am glad he's no longer there.

Here is a photo where I spent my Sunday:

The interesting thing about this place is that its surrounded by houses and a really nice park!!!  It was in a rural area, tons of horses and ranch style houses.

We got to sit at a table with him for four hours!  He looked so healthy and is huge from working out constantly.  It was very special.  The inmates all seemed so much more mellow and less scary than what I am used to seeing at OC Jail.  I'm not sure why that is.

Ant signs up for some college classes this week and is managing to stay away from drugs.  He said there are drugs EVERYWHERE in there but he has too much to lose this time.  I can only hope and pray that he means it, time will tell.

As for my "real" son, I haven't seen him much this weekend but the reports from my sister are that he seems "good".

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Got another letter from Ant today, this one was very positive.

Ant will be transferred out of Chino into a "main line prison" which means a lot more freedom and a lot more access to drugs.  He said its easier to get heroin in there than on the streets.  THAT IS JUST WRONG!  HOW CAN THE PRISON GUARDS NOT FIGURE THIS OUT?  DO THEY EVEN CARE?

He's lost 10 lbs cause they feed them like they are "Kindergarteners".

Which reminds me, they get creative in there on making food into "meals"

How to Make "Orange Chicken" in prison:

In Styrofoam cup mix chicken nuggest, orange marmalade, dry lemondade mix and crunched up pork rinds.  Cover in hot water and stir.

He also takes "birdbaths" cause they don't get to shower often.  I don't think I could survive so I plan on staying on this side of the law!

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Does this infuriate you as it does me?

First of all, thanks Ron for pointing out the Diane Sawyer report on heroin in the Suburbs. And thank you Diane for finally using your popularity to promote awareness.

BUT....isn't this a bit too little too late? That's what pissed me off. This is the kind of thing that really makes me MAD.

I have known about this problem for YEARS (even before my son started using). 

In this report they say they are shocked:

that its being done in broad daylight, in the suburbs by teens as young as Jr. High

at how addicting it is, that you can get hooked the first time you try it

that there are kids lined up for beds at treatment facilities but not enough beds to handle the number of addicts

that thousands of teens dying and thousands more are becoming addicts every day!

that only ONE out of TEN heroin addicts succeeds at rehabilitation (our kids are not numbers - but this is a scary statistic and I refused to let it define Keven, Anthony or Kelly. Although, I do believe its true).

DUH! If someone in the media would have listened to the FEW who tried to spread the word a few years ago instead of reporting on some of the ridiculous topics they choose, MAYBE something could have been done to prevent:

This is why I am doing what I can as an individual to increase awareness. I have joined a group (the name is still being agreed on) that partners with several other groups to promote CHANGE. This group was the same one that passed Prop. 36 here in California, so they know what they are doing and have the means to get laws into affect. I am honored to be involved.

Next month we are demonstrating on the court steps in one of the Biggest Cities in our State. I will be there with my sign. It will have a picture of Anthony and a picture of Keven. I am not sure what its going to say yet, but the idea is: Both of these young men deserved an equal opportunity for rehabilitation. One was pushed through the prison system, where he sits today at age 22. The other is moving forward with his life with 8 months of sobriety and a fresh start.

I don't get angry easily. I save my anger for things that matter, and this matters. 

Bottom line:

MAYBE IF OUR GOVERNMENT WOULD SPEND MORE TIME GETTING THE DAMN HEROIN OUT OF THE COUNTRY THERE WOULD BE NO NEED TO BUILD MORE AND MORE REHABS - BUT BECAUSE THEY KEEP LETTING IT IN TO RUIN LIVES THEN THEY BETTER START PAYING FOR US TO HAVE OUR KIDS TREATED AND RE-DESIGN THE JUSTICE SYSTEM TO GIVE ADDICTS A CHANCE INSTEAD OF TREATING THEM LIKE CRIMINALS. IF THEY THINK THE PRISONS ARE OVERFLOWING RIGHT NOW JUST WAIT AND WATCH AS MORE AND MORE TEEN ADDICTS BECOME ADULTS IN PRISON (if they live to be adults) AND AN ENTIRE GENERATION OF YOUNG ADULTS SPENDING TIME IN JAIL INSTEAD OF COLLEGE OR WORKING. IT AFFECTS EVERYTHING, BUT MOSTLY IT AFFECTS THE FAMILIES WHO LOSE THEIR CHILDREN TO THIS EVIL DRUG THAT IS ALLOWED TO BE SOLD (ILLEGALLY) IN OUR COUNTRY YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR.


Peace, Hope and Love (and sometimes anger),

Barbara

P.S. I still hear people say, "my kid will never try that stuff". FYI:

Almost ALL of us said that at one time. I hope parents of young children are thinking "how can I prevent my child from trying that stuff" instead of fooling themselves to think there kid is different.  It happens to all types of people, even kids with loving parents that have had a good upbringing. 


P.S.S.  Someone pointed out to me that my son deserves some credit for his recovery, that the court ordered program helped but that ultimately it was his choice (and continues to be each and every day).  This is very true.  I am proud of my son and tell him that often.  I guess I don't say it enough on my blog, but I am very proud of my boy.

You can't always stop them, but sure as heck can try.

6 Months to a Year

Got my first letter from Anthony for this prison stay.  Sounds like it will be a long one, with no chance of reduced time (they are letting a lot of inmates out half time here cause of the crowded conditions but that does not apply to him).

He said he was sorry, his spirit and heart are broken.  He told Keven to stay strong and not use because just one time will "re-awaken the dragon".

I got choked up reading the letter out loud (it was to me and Kev).  I was so mad at him I wrote him a scathing  letter full of anger.  I tore it up.  I will respond to this one.  At least I don't have to worry about him being a negative influence on Keven.  By the time he gets out Keven will have a year to 18 months of clean time (thinking positive).

I'm going to make the rounds and check all your blogs now. 





Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

WHY IS HE DOING THIS?!?

I am so distressed today.  K called to tell me he has not changed his mind, he plans to "opt out of the program" tomorrow at court and take prison time instead.

WHY THE HELL WOULD HE DO THAT????   WHY?

This program is a privilege, a great opportunity.  I told him I will not even VISIT him in prison if he chooses that route.

I don't know what (or who) had got to him the last week or so but he was so excited a few weeks ago and now he's acting like some monster....he reminds me of who he is when he's high, totally irrational and mean.

I know some of you have really big issues today as well.  God have mercy on us all.  I can't do this.  I give up.