Quick Update

Keven tested clean last night.  Sigh of relief.  The house he's in is perfect for him right now, just don't know if he sees it that way.  He's very sick from Suboxone withdrawal.  I need to look up and see how long that lasts, apparently its worse than being dope sick and lasts longer.

Thank you for all the comments left.

I have no intention of letting Keven move back home, ever.  This last time was not full of drama but it was full of dishonesty and to me, that's worse, even though its to be expected.

My goal for today:  Catch up on blogs.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

On A Personal Note:
Countdown 4 Days until trying to get tickets for Bruce.  Normally I buy tickets on-line then upgrade them later if they aren't good enough.  BUT rumor has it that the f'ing ticket scalpers are snatching up MOST of the tickets and forcing us to pay high prices.  Bruce would be pissed, this is so unfair, but its legal.  In fact, due to some sort of computer hacking, when tickets for the NY and Jersey shows went on sale last week ONLY the scalpers could get them (Stub Hub is EVIL).
So wish me luck because this is a VERY BIG DEAL to me and I will, if I have to, pay hundreds because I can't miss him.  This will be my 25th time?  26th?  I lost count but haven't missed a show since my first one in 1981.

So Much for my "Happy Post"

Earlier I wrote about how well the guys are doing....how Ant gave K some good advice and they were both pumped up about being clean and staying clean.

A few minutes ago K came to me and said "I hope he can make it two weeks till he gets in rehab".  Ugh.  He wants to get high. 

I understand.  I get it.  I can't relate to in on a personal level, but I hear about it all the time. 

Heroin can own your very soul.
Ant has never made it very long.
Almost dying seems to have lost its effect.

K told him if he used he could never come to our house again and he wouldn't hang out with him.  I'm proud of him for saying that.  I'm sad that he had to say it. 

I feel mad right now.  I feel angry and disappointed in him.  I probably shouldn't feel that way, but I do.  I just want to grab him and shake him and scream "DON'T F-UP YOUR LIFE!"  He's finally on the right track, clean time, not that long to go on parole, a 90 day rehab set up, a girlfriend who's crazy about him, loving people in his life, a talent he can turn into a career.  

But, he knows all that.  It doesn't matter.  He wants to get high.  I'm prepared to cut him out of my life  but I don't want to.  I love him. 

I wish he could get on methadone or suboxone.

K Is Worried about Relapse

commonly known as "footballs" or "bars" in drug slang

He called again today and we had a bit of an argument over the phone. I brought up what changes will be made when he gets home and he got mad that I was talking about unpleasant things - he said his aunt never does that to him when she talks to him in jail. I said....I'm your MOTHER and this stuff needs to be discussed.

We also talked about his fears. He said he wants to get back on Suboxone and stay on it. He said he never realized how hard it would be to quit heroin or he never would have started. He said he was nervous because he used just three days after getting out last time (a 22 day stay).

He said, "Mom, if you catch me using I want you to send me to rehab."

I said, sure, but I would have to kick him out first because the only rehab i can afford is the cheap one for homeless people. He agreed to be homeless because he doesn't want to live this life.

What scares me is that I see how easily this COULD become his life....in and out of jail, on and off drugs....for years. I don't want that for my son. And I don't want it for me either.

So, he's already nervous that he will use. I told him the no friends rule, the no doorknob rule, etc. He was pissed off.

He also told me the reason he started using drugs was because of his life-long paranoia and anxiety, and no, he's not playing me when he says that. From a very early age (5) he has suffered from depression and anxiety. I waited till he was 8 to take him to a psychiatrist because I refused to believe there could be something mentally wrong with him. He went on and off anti-depressants and it helped (I take them daily).

But he's always been very anxious and had lots of unwarranted fears. He said that the drugs helped him with that, except for weed and coke which made it worse. But he loved Xanax and opiates for the relief it gave him. (yeah, it knocks you out so your not even aware of life, can't feel anxious if your not even able to stay awake...)

So I don't know if he has something wrong that needs to be addressed. I have spent thousands of dollars over the years for different doctors trying to find help for him (counseling and meds). I will take him back to our WONDERFUL doctor, Dr. Yang, for advice and Suboxone. Dr. Yang specializes in addiction but is a general MD as well as having a background in counseling. K loves him and so do I.

Ok. I just had to get this out. Now, I need to go to bed.