Went to a Meeting

Last night I went to a parent's Nar-Anon meeting.  It was small, ten people plus me, and I was the only newcomer.  The person in charge of newcomer packages apologized for not having one for me, then at the end of the meeting she said "you probably don't need a packet, you're an old-timer!"  That made me feel good.

I saw myself in every person that spoke - me three years ago, two years ago, last year and today.  I only shared a little bit but I kind of echoed what another mom was saying in hopes that the parents who were not ready to let go and the ones that just had, would not spend Christmas worrying that their kid is freezing and hungry on the streets of South Orange County, CA.  It just ain't gonna happen like that!  (it doesn't get that cold here for one, I think of Lou's Andrew in the snow during his using days - that's COLD).

Addicts are clever and have their own little community of fellow users.  I know Keven is not in the gutter somewhere, I am certain he's at someone's house or in a motel.  He is not hungry, he doesn't need anything.  He's doing drugs and that's all he cares about.  Hopefully he won't OD or get murdered or hurt, but other than that....what's the worst that can happen?  Odds are he will survive just like the majority of addicts who CHOOSE this lifestyle.

I read  this on Annette's blog today:

I do not want to see my child nodding off, glassy eyed, slurring her words, disheveled, skinny, rambling a mile a minute or raging.

Neither do I!  I never want to see him like that again, and I'll just add paranoid, hallucinating, with his skin broken out in scabs, bruises and track marks all over his arms/neck, ETC.  (although he's not skinny - he's actually put on weight!)

I refuse to subject myself to that ever again.  I've placed myself in the direct path of  his anger, his insane behavior, his symptoms, for too long.  I'm just done.  I want to see him clean.  I want to see him trying to get clean.  I don't want to see him like I know he is today.

I'll update you on Anthony later - please pray for him, he's struggling.  He wants me to go see him after work, he needs someone to talk to.  He didn't use but I can hear the fear in his voice.  I reminded him that he is in control right now because he's NOT HIGH so to choose to stay that way.  I'm trying so hard not to worry about him.  Much more concerned for him than the other one today.

Praying for you and your fams.  

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara