Off Topic...

How  many of you sing along with the radio out LOUD while driving?  I had to run an errand at lunch and got some great songs to belt out:

Janis, "Piece of My Heart"
U2, "In the Name of Love"
Queen, "Someone to Love"
Michael, "Man in the Mirror"
and
Green Day, "Wake Me Up When September Comes".

Janis was the best.  So sad that we lost her to the drug this blog is about :(

So - do you sing along?  If so, when alone or with others?  and most importantly, who's your favorites to sing along with?


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Enabling Checklist

I found this in some notes and thought it might be helpful as a reminder of things NOT to do:

• give or lend money
• provide a place to live
• rescue/fix problems
• supply a car or transportation
• buy or provide alcohol or drugs
• bail out of jail
• lie to cover up problems
• deny the addiction to others
• defend behaviors to others
• ignore or laugh at the problem
• argue, plead, beg, threaten, placate, bargain
• insist nothing can be done
• keep secrets for the alcoholic
• put yourself in jeopardy
• allow drunk driving
• take over responsibilities
• protect from negative consequences
• blame other people or circumstances
• avoid social functions
• provide employment
• finance school related expenses
• pay bills

IN OTHER NEWS:  GUESS WHO'S GOING TO U2 TOMORROW NIGHT AND IS SO EXCITED SHE CAN BARELY CONTAIN HERSELF???????????????????????????????????????  yeah, baby!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Numb

I just feel numb today, and yesterday.  I can't explain why.

I think it was more like I was depressed but refused to acknowledge it because I "shouldn't" be depressed (I think it was Louise Hay who said "don't should on yourself!").

I have a long searched for job (part time), my son is in residential treatment, I have tons of stuff to be grateful for....but there's something inside me that wants to crawl in bed and not get up till "its over".  I don't even know what "it" is.

One thing I have to be excited about it that I will be seeing U2 one month from today.  Last time they toured (prior to the tour in '09 when Bono hurt his back and had to reschedule Anaheim till NOW) was 2005.  I'm going with a friend who's never seen them in concert, he'll be blown away.

U2 just happens to have a song titled "Numb" sang (well if you can call it singing) by The Edge.  Here are the lyrics.  For some reason, I like the monotone/industrial sound of it:



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Davy Knowles - My Favorite Rising Star

Just before my world took a huge hit (Keven's drug use) I had discovered a new band.  I first heard Davy and Backdoor Slam on an obscure radio station.  I was completely blown away and had to find out who they were.  I had planned to buy their CD immediately but just happened to get it in the mail a few days later.  (This was back when my music blog was a big deal and music promoters would send me tons of music to review.  I still get them, but no longer review or promote.  Anyone out there want a bunch of CDs from new bands?)

After listening to the CD, "Roll Away" by "Davy Knowles and Back Door Slam", I emailed Davy's publicist to thank her. She told me some background on "the boys".  I was shocked to learn that Davy was from the small island called "Isle of Man" and was only 21 years old! He didn't sound that young and his talent rivals my hero, Stevie Ray Vaughan (seriously).  How could someone so young write these songs and play this music?  I was an instant fan.

I started promoting Davy to all my music friends.  I was interviewed on a radio station and asked to share three songs the listeners may not be familiar with.  I chose an obscure U2 song, a song by a band I liked at the time and "Come Home" by Davy & BDS.  The radio hosts are guys that make a career (literally, they are record producers) out of finding good new bands and they had never heard of these guys.  They were impressed.  (I have to admit I kind of liked the feeling I got when they thanked me because I was usually at the receiving end of new bands, I had never before "discovered" a group on my own!)  

I have a great affection for Davy, he is such a nice young man.  I had the privilege (thrill!) of being introduced to him a year later after watching him in concert. He is a doll!  I also got to meet his manager and said to him "please, whatever you do, don't let fame get to his head and ruin him".  (I felt this way about John Mayer when he first came out but he didn't stay humble for long...quite the opposite.)

So far so good, Davy is a funny, lovable kid off stage (Twitter) and a serious rock and blues guitarist/vocalist onstage.  He is very appreciative of his fame and seems surprised every time he gets invited to do a tour or play a big gig somewhere.  I think he'll be headed to Japan soon.

So anyhow, I'm sitting here listening to "my boy" and wishing he would come to California one of these days.  I missed him last time he was here because of circumstances but next time - I'm going.  (Lisa and Joy - go with me!!!!!)

I stuck a widget on my sidebar but it only has two songs.  If you like Rockin' Blues guitar, check Davy out.  You will thank me ;)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Bad, by U2

I had breakfast with two good friends this morning.  One asked "so how are you doing musically?"  This sounds odd, but I know what she meant.  She knows that my passion is music.  Music makes me come alive.  When talking about my favoirte bands my eyes light up, I become animated and excited; the inrtoverted me takes a back seat when it comes to music.

So when I mentioned that I may not go see U2 this summer (not because of Bono's recent injury, because I just don't feel like it), she was worried about me.

Its true.  I haven't been myself.  I usually LIVE for the summer concerts and there's a few good ones coming up.  I have no desire to go.  But hopefully that will change.

I came home and put on some U2, and it helped.  I listened to a song Bono wrote when his good friend Phil Lynott from the band Thin Lizzy, died. (check him out on my GBNF blog*)

Phil died from years of abusing drugs.  It reminded me that addicts have a disease.  A disease that is not easily treated.  A disease that controls their every thought and action.  I can't imagine trying to fight a disease with no cure that had the potential of ruining every aspect of my life, and, to top it off, left me being looked down upon as "weak" with little compassion and understanding from society and sometimes friends and family.

Phil never recovered from the disease.  His drug of choice:  Heroin.

The song is called "Bad".

A few lyrics that stand out to me:

If I could, 

you know I would

if I could, 

I would let it go

this desperation

dislocation

separation

condemnation

revelation

in temptation

isolation

desolation

*Ironically, when I started "Gone But Not Forgotten" over five years ago it was alarming to see how many of the rock n roll deaths were attributed to heroin.  Little did I know then its evil grasp would someday snare my own son.  Last night he said "I will use it again someday."  God help us all...


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Comments = Strings

I was just re-reading some old posts and comments.   I was going to link back to old posts from when Kev was deep into his addiction, but I will save that for another day.

Today I just want to quote myself from my music blog and say:

A blog without comments is like a guitar without strings.

The guitar without strings has potential.  They come in all styles and colors and some are works of art and craftsmanship, in other words, they are nice to look at and can easily be appreciated to someone who has never heard a guitar being played.

But add the strings (comments) and the guitar becomes complete.  In the right a guitar can create so many a stirring and unique sounds, its endless!   Comments make a blog come alive with conversation and viewpoints.


So thanks for adding your "strings" to my guitar.  We don't always share the same views (taste in music) but we all want harmony.



Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Both Boys Here!

pic taken today, K and A

Today is good (so far).  This is the first time Ant and K have been together (other than the hospital visits) for a looooong time.  Of course they can't leave together, and they haven't suggested that they were thinking about it.  Its incredible to see them both clean, feeling good and motivating each other.

As I type this I can hear Ant playing guitar and singing, K joins in on the parts he knows.  K is home on a pass, we picked up Ant and brought him over here for breakfast/coffee and to hang out.

I overheard them talking and Ant had some very good advice for K, I was so grateful.  Its what I wanted to say (about a girl he met) but coming from your "brother" instead of your mother....well need I say more?

They talked about how good it feels to be clean, how inspired they both are to stay that way but neither of them can say "forever", it has to be one day at a time.  Ant said its the first time since he was 15 that he wasn 't living in fear of the law because his parole agent is actually happy with him.

Later Ant will leave and K and I will go have the water from his aquarium tested (one of the fish died and it doesn't look as clear as it should!) then he's going to get a haircut.

Everything feels so normal.  So peaceful.  K's not super depressed, he seems fine.  Of course his mood can change in an instant, but for this moment I am grateful to see his smile.

Song of the Day:

Sunshine Of Your Love - Cream

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Call me crazy....I don't care

I love Bruce Springsteen.

I've followed his career since the 70's, long before anyone out west really "knew" him (had a friend from Jersey who turned my sister on to his music).  

I've seen him in concert every time he's been to Southern California since 1981 (20 so far).  I admire him for many reasons, but its mostly about the music:  his passion for writing and performing meaningful songs about real life. His music has provided the sound track to my life, changing and evolving through the decades but never losing its ability to touch me in and make me feel alive.



So I decided, what the heck, I think I'll write him and inform him of the opiate/heroin epidemic that is spreading across HIS country.  His kids are teenagers, if he doesn't know about this stuff, he should.  I want to tell him about my son, and your kids.   

I want him to use his voice to bring awareness and make a difference. And, I believe he'll help, I honestly do.... if he ever gets the letter, that's just how he is.  Now I have to figure out how to get the letter to him, I guess via his manager or agent.  I will keep trying till I hear from him.


So that's my crazy thing I'm going to do.  I'll let you know when he gets back to me.



UPDATE ON K:  He's not doing so well.  They have him on some new meds, took him off all his old ones.  I want to trust that this doctor is good and that she knows what she's doing.  I am working really hard at staying in the moment and not worrying.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

P.S.  Those are just a few of my ticket stubs, if you click on them check out the PRICES we used to pay for concerts.  Its outrageous what we pay now.  Never bring up "Ticketmaster" in front of me unless you want to see me get on my soapbox about the unfairness of their practices, another thing Bruce cares about and has spoken out on.

Jackson Browne talks about Drugs, Enabling and His Regrets

Some of you may know that I have a blog about Classic Rock music.  I was recently sent an interview with Jackson Browne to link on my site but I thought I'd cut and paste part of it here, its interesting that he never became an addict but talks about being an enabler and how devastating drugs and alcohol were to some of his loved ones. I admire his honesty.

Q: For years you ran with people who abused drugs and alcohol pretty intensely—Warren Zevon, Nico, David Crosby. Yet at 61 you seem unscathed.

A: No, I wouldn't say unscathed. Anybody that has alcoholism in their family is not unscathed, believe me. It doesn't even have to be a matter of your own drug-taking, but your enabling of others. In many ways you could say I enabled Warren. I've lost people to drugs—it didn't keep me from taking drugs, either. There were occasions when I couldn't died. I played around with all the drugs.

Q: You did?

A: Oh, yeah. But everybody did. You have to understand. You were just as likely to encounter somebody with a bag of heroin as a bag full of mescaline caps. I mean, it was just sort of back and forth that way, and eventually I sort of made a choice. But I didn't ever get addicted to heroin. I just stupidly, stupidly fooled around—in a way that endangered not only myself but others. I mean, like, at one point I shot up a friend of mine—and we realized with some horror that it was too much. We spent the next several hours trying to make sure that he, you know—I'm laughing about it now just out of a sense of outrage. The outrage that passed across his face. And he's such a good friend. I think he's permitting me to laugh about it, but in fact it was a horrible thing. Another time somebody passed me something that I assumed was coke in an airport. We were on our way to a concert, and I went into the restroom and was a bit greedy and I came out and I was like, "What is this shit?" And I sort of covered my mouth. We had to leave the airport and go to a hotel. It was heroin. I thought it was coke and it was heroin. Look, I'm telling you stuff that I would tell anybody if it was important to understand that you can definitely be in over your head and not know it. I count myself lucky that I didn't grow to like heroin. It's not something that really worked for me. On the other hand, there were other drugs that did. I began thinking that cocaine was really useful, and I began using alcohol because I never understood how uncomfortable I was in groups of people that were there for me—I started drinking when I started performing. At this point I don't take any drugs, and I don't think it helps. With the exception of some psychedelic drugs—I think that's helpful information, for me. But the people I took drugs with, many of them are dead now. I miss Lowell George every day. And a lot of my friends had to get sober or die—Warren Zevon created an incredible body of work because he was sober, not because he was out of his mind and berserk.

If you're interested in the entire interview its here

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Happy Birthday, Dear K...PLEASE CALL ME

Do you ever think you're holding it together pretty well then break out sobbing?  That just happened to me.  I dried my eyes and decided not to wait till tomorrow (his official birthday) to write about this.

Its very painful to be separated from him on his birthday.  Its not like a "holiday" its HIS DAY.  Its the one day out of the year we celebrate HIM and we can't be together this year.  I can't even call him.  My stomach has been in knots all day and if my phone rings (its in my pocket) I grab it on the first ring hoping, hoping, hoping its him....but it hasn't been.

Will he call me tomorrow?  I HOPE SO.  I don't know what to do with the feelings I have today.  I guess just feel them and hope they settle down.

He will be 19 tomorrow.  His 18th year was for sure the worst year of my entire life....and I think he would say the same.  I told him once he never really got to experience 18 because he was either high, dope sick or incarcerated.  The dope sickness was the worst, but it always came with hope that it would be the "last time".  Sigh.

Now he's got such a great start on staying clean.  And if the other issues are addressed with the right meds, he will have an even greater chance of experiencing 19, of living again, on his terms, rather than being owned by that shit known as heroin.

I noticed I cuss a lot these days....I actually hold back here on the blog :)

Ok.  I have to go do something constructive to keep busy.

PLEASE CALL ME, PLEASE CALL ME, PLEASE CALL ME....


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Songs of the Day:

What Are You Looking For - Sic...

Lose Yourself - Eminem

P.S.  I didn't know you had to belong to the site "Lala" to hear these snippets of songs.  Oh well, I will leave them anyhow.  Its a free site and I used it mostly just to embed songs.

I Get to Spend Time with Him Tomorrow

Image via Wikipedia

Its been recommended that K have a visit with his personal doctor for a med check, no big deal, that's standard.

But - what it means to me is that I will be picking him up, driving him down here, possibly waiting for a new RX to be filled, then driving him back.  I don't think he's allowed to "hang out" or stop by home or go shopping or whatever, I am assuming this is being allowed strictly to get him to and from the Dr.

I'm trying to find out for sure, maybe it would be okay to stop at home for a few minutes....we'll drive right by it twice.  UPDATE:  that would be a "NO" for sure on stopping home.  Oh good, my "no" hasn't been tested in awhile this will be good practice.  Of course he may not even ask to stop at home, in which case I will be very impressed and totally shocked.

This will be the first one on one alone time we've had (other than jail visits) for a long time.  I am putting some of his fave songs on my iPod since he hasn't listened to music for months (hey, doesn't that violate our "no cruel or unusual punishment law?).

Some parents may be offended or hurt if their kid wanted to listen to music in this situation rather than carry on a conversation, but I have to say:  That's my boy!!!!  
Plus, we can talk when he has his my earbuds in :)


(for those who don't know me well, music is my passion.  I have a blog about classic rock which has taken the back burner but is slowly sparking back to life....)

Remind me to do a post on drug addiction/rock and roll one of these days.  Sigh.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

What are you in the mood for?

I've been sitting here reading poetry I've written over the years.  Some of it I haven't read in a long time and it almost shocked me because it was not that long ago that my life was so different.  So empty.  So full of depression and despair.

So if you are in the mood for something heavy, I am going to share a poem here that is no longer me, and I am thankful for that.

If you are in the mood for something light, I shared a very cool story about how K's friends took him to the Smashing Pumpkins concert the other day.  How could that be you ask, he's still in jail!  Well you'll have to check out my music blog to find out.  I'm still grinning thinking about it :)  Its at Layla's Classic Rock.

Totally and completely alone. Not one shoulder to cry on. Can I turn to the One who claims to comfort? Why is He not enough? I've alienated everyone from my life. Hurt them, angered them, used up their patience. 

I've done this to myself like the slow drag of the blade across my wrist. Very carefully monitoring how deep it will go - will I let it injure, or kill? I was never meant for this world. Born defective, too many raw emotions like ruptured nerve endings. Pain. Sharp, excruciatingly, indeterminable and unstoppable. 

Others shake their heads and don't understand. Heroin owns its victims as loneliness owns me. I can be in a room full of people or in the back alley - I'm still alone. 

They pay for head I pay for hugs, I'm still alone. 

Words mean nothing. They lead you along but you know they are empty and fake. 

You choose to keep walking the plank till you get to the end and plunge. The sharks have been circling. Let them devour me - at least it’s not obvious, did I slip or did I jump? Blood in the water, shreds of flesh and bone. What's left of a sensitive soul. They laugh at the red stained spot where the sharks have fed. She asked for it. She always was a bit off, a bit too needy, a bit too sensitive and way too willing to give herself away. 

Hundreds of times over an over again begging for love exchanging the tangible for nothing more than whispers in the dark. Waking to cold damp sheets. Never giving up. Using her only commodity till the well ran dry. Looking for the living water. Why wasn't it enough? Change was suppose to happen. A new creation - what about the butterfly emerging from the caterpillar? What about the cross and the forgiveness of sin? What about that One Man who was suppose to save them all?

If only this were a dream with an end. If only tomorrow would never come. To wake up in peace. Feel hope warm me like a blanket right out of the dryer. Clean and soft. Nurturing. 

Ripped, oily rags covered with dirt. Cardboard boxes for shelter. Empty syringe, broken glass, trash. Just let me go back to where I belong. I understand the vacant stares of empty minds. Pain is mingled with survival but no one feels a thing. It all just drifts away. The cold hard cement. The urine scented hallway. The whimpering cries of the slaves. It's all the same. A lonely cold existence in a falsely warm world.