Let Go, Let God

When Keven got out of jail recently I promised myself that if he started using I would get myself to An-Anon meetings.  It took me until this last horrific meltdown to actually go to one.

It really does help.  I don't know anyone from my meeting yet, but I intend to get to know them.  I just cut and past a ton of Slogans, promises, etc. - dang, there sure are a lot of them, but I guess that's the point, to get you through anything.

Today I let go and let God rather than worrying myself sick (I did feel a bit sick).  As we drove up to see Keven's PO (did I mention he changed his mind and wanted to see Keven in person TODAY?) I prayed the whole way.

Thankfully, the PO was "cool" (kev liked him) and ordered him to a) get into a sober living by next Thursday b) find a job and c) get a psychiatrist and be evaluated

I am pleased with all of this, but I'm sure Keven will drag his feet in finding a sober living.  I am helping him find a doctor because that overwhelms him and at this point in time, I think he still needs assistance with some things.  The trick is finding a good one that takes his insurance.

As for the other one:  Anthony checked in to Unidos today (Keven spent several months there, its a good place).  He did it on his own, no court order.  I have no expectations.

Here are all the slogans, etc:


~ Easy Does It ~ Keep It Simple

~ How Important Is It?

~ First Things First 

~ Live And Let Live 

~ One Day At A Time 

~ Let Go And Let God 

~ But For The Grace Of God, there go I 

~ Think! Listen And Learn
~ Keep An Open Mind

~ Let It Begin With Me 

~ Together We Can Make It 

~ Be Honest 

~ Keep Coming Back ~
~ Feel Good About Saying "No" 

~ Fake It 'Till You Make It! 

~ Use It Or Lose It 

~ Talk And Grow 

~ Let Go & Let God 

~ How Important is it? 

~ Is it worth my Serenity 

~ Whats to Be will Be 

~ We Are all Different

~ This Too Shall Pass

~ My serenity is proportionate to my acceptance.
~ You can't control the wind but you can set your sails.
~ The mind is like a parachute, it works best when open.
~ Thank You God for reminding me not to interfere with Your Divine Plan.
~ Listen not to criticisms or accolades both take you off your path." A. Einstein
~ Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." B. Franklin
~ If you are looking in the past or the future, you're not living in the now. 

~ The present is a gift. The gift is now.
~ Live for today. 

~ Live for each and every new moment. 

~ Be gentle with yourself.
~ Fight for yourself, you are worth it, if you dont who will?

~ Say what you mean but don't say it meanly.

~ Expectations are premeditated resentments.
~ Take the blame out of me & all u get is bla bla bla.
~ If HP brings you to it, HP will walk you through it.

~ Change your attitude change your life.
~ Insanity is doing the same things over an expecting different results.
~ Dont go to the hardware store for bread.
~ My serenity is proportionate to my acceptance. Recovery is self-discovery.
~ Happiness & knowledge increase only as we share it with others.

Alanon's Three C's: Alcoholism/Addiction:

You didn't CAUSE it, You can't CONTROL it, and You can't CURE it!

3 C's ~ You Can Control Yourself, You Can Change Yourself, You Can Cure Yourself 

3 A's ~ Awareness, Acceptance, Action

ANGELS EXIST but some times, since they don't all have wings, we call them FRIENDS.

EGO - Edging God Out ~ Courage is fear that has said its prayers. ~ Progress not Perfection.

FEAR ~ Future Events Aren't Real

YANA ~ You Are Not Alone
HELP ~ Help/Heal Ourselves/Others Purge Emptiness
MYOB ~ Mind My Own Business
FAITH ~ Finding Answers In The Heart
HALT(S) ~ Hungry Anxious/Angry Lonely Tired Sick

 or Honestly Actively Lovingly Tolerant
ANGER ~ A Negative Grudge Endangers Recovery
QTIP ~ Quit Taking It Personally
PUSH ~ Pray Until Something Happens
FINE ~ F**ked Up Insecure Neurotic
THINK ~ THOUGHTFUL HONEST INTELLIGENT NECESSARY KIND THANK HEAVEN I NOW KNOW GIFTS ~ Getting It From The Steps
ASK ~ Ask Seek Knock
HEART ~ Healing Enjoying And Recovering Together
HOPE ~ Happy Our Program Exists ~ healing/helping ourselves purge emptiness
GOD ~ Good Orderly Direction
JADE ~ (dont) Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain
COOL ~ CREATIVE OPPORTUNITIES OFFER LOVE
FROG ~ fully relying on god
DETACH ~ dont ever think about changing him/her&/or dont even try and change others
FEAR ~ future events aren't real 

In recovery were all like infants, first we crawl then we can stand. We take steps & learn to walk before we can run free. 

FACE IT: Become aware of the thinking/behaviour that is a problem
TRACE IT: Try to establish where you think it comes from and why
EMBRACE IT: Accept that you did the best you could with what you had at the time but it no longer needs to be that way. Forgive yourself.
ERASE IT: The thinking/behaviour no longer serves your best interests. To erase it, ask God to remove your shortcomings. Refuse to participate in the same thinking and behaviour patterns. You may 'slip' from time to time but thats ok, it's a process and it's about progress not perfection.
REPLACE IT: Nothing exists in a vacuum therefore if you remove something you need to put something else in it's place. Where possible fill the void with Gods love. You can replace negative thinking/behaviour with positive, healthy responses. Use the tools of the program. Sometimes we try something new and it doesn't work out for us, that's ok too, just try something different. 

 
LET GO & LET GOD ATTEND TO THE DIVINE PLAN

Had to Call the Cops on Him

The last week has been one of the worse ever.  Without going into all the details, we let him come home for a few days after a hospital stay (he was covered in sores that were infected with staph and had to be on an IV antibiotic).  Knowing its always a bad idea to have him home, we still allowed it because he was in no condition to go back to another sleazy motel and get re-infected.

Since he's been home he's been using bath salts and acting crazy but I couldn't be sure that's what it was until this evening (his "normal" is so bizarre these days that I wasn't positive it was drugs).  Its  been unbearable but I was trying to hang on until Tuesday when he sees his PO and was hoping for a court ordered rehab just to get him off the streets because he is very susceptible to MRSA and I always fear him getting that flesh eating disease (I know...I can't help it).

This evening I knew he was shooting up in the bathroom so I told him to get out of the house and he left threatening to kill himself.  I called the cops.  They couldn't find him.  Then all of a sudden he comes walking back in the house so I called again and they came over.

He ran but the tackled him in our back yard (my mother and sister are at my brother's having a celebration so they didn't have to see this.  After the cops cuffed him one went back to search the area and found a huge butcher knife from our kitchen, showed it to Keven and told him if he had pulled this out he would have been shot dead.

Keven was so out of it and then he started faking a seizure but the cop said he wasn't born yesterday, blah blah blah.  Since he'd been injecting bath salts (which are legal!!!) they could not arrest him but he was so out of it they called the Fire Dept. and Paramedics.

One cop searched his room and the bathrooms for syringes but didn't find any.  Keven admitted he had thrown them in the sewer drain outside out house.

The Paramedics came and took him away, the cop went with him.  He said I should try and get Social Services invovled since nothing was working.  I think Keven, on top of being an addict, is mentally ill.  It may be drug induced or not and what difference does it make?  He's not normal.   Ever.  I am very scared for my boy.

I won't be going to visit him until maybe tomorrow afternoon or evening.  I'm sure he's pissed off at me but I know I did the right thing.

Tomorrow is a new year, a new beginning.

OH AND CHECK THIS OUT!  I FOUND A MEETING!  I've said in the past that I don't like Al-Anon mtgs. because I'm treated like an outsider and everyone is a snob.  Well, I went to one this morning (for parents) and I felt the LOVE!  I walked in the room and literally FELT the love.  It was awesome.  To my surprise two of my former co-workers were there, so it was a joyful reunion.  And Ant's grandma was there too, she'd been asking me to go with her for awhile so she was glad I showed up.

BTW, Ant's using again.  No surprise there, but I am sad about it.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Went to a Meeting

Last night I went to a parent's Nar-Anon meeting.  It was small, ten people plus me, and I was the only newcomer.  The person in charge of newcomer packages apologized for not having one for me, then at the end of the meeting she said "you probably don't need a packet, you're an old-timer!"  That made me feel good.

I saw myself in every person that spoke - me three years ago, two years ago, last year and today.  I only shared a little bit but I kind of echoed what another mom was saying in hopes that the parents who were not ready to let go and the ones that just had, would not spend Christmas worrying that their kid is freezing and hungry on the streets of South Orange County, CA.  It just ain't gonna happen like that!  (it doesn't get that cold here for one, I think of Lou's Andrew in the snow during his using days - that's COLD).

Addicts are clever and have their own little community of fellow users.  I know Keven is not in the gutter somewhere, I am certain he's at someone's house or in a motel.  He is not hungry, he doesn't need anything.  He's doing drugs and that's all he cares about.  Hopefully he won't OD or get murdered or hurt, but other than that....what's the worst that can happen?  Odds are he will survive just like the majority of addicts who CHOOSE this lifestyle.

I read  this on Annette's blog today:

I do not want to see my child nodding off, glassy eyed, slurring her words, disheveled, skinny, rambling a mile a minute or raging.

Neither do I!  I never want to see him like that again, and I'll just add paranoid, hallucinating, with his skin broken out in scabs, bruises and track marks all over his arms/neck, ETC.  (although he's not skinny - he's actually put on weight!)

I refuse to subject myself to that ever again.  I've placed myself in the direct path of  his anger, his insane behavior, his symptoms, for too long.  I'm just done.  I want to see him clean.  I want to see him trying to get clean.  I don't want to see him like I know he is today.

I'll update you on Anthony later - please pray for him, he's struggling.  He wants me to go see him after work, he needs someone to talk to.  He didn't use but I can hear the fear in his voice.  I reminded him that he is in control right now because he's NOT HIGH so to choose to stay that way.  I'm trying so hard not to worry about him.  Much more concerned for him than the other one today.

Praying for you and your fams.  

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Worry Doesn't Work & Al-Anon Mtg. Update

 We all know this, but its so hard not to worry.

Yesterday as I went back through each of my posts to change K's name to K instead of K_____, I saw for myself all the worrying I have done in the past few months.

It didn't change anything to fret and worry, it just took away from that moment.  And really each moment is all we have.

Putting things into practice takes time and effort but its worth it.  I worry a lot less these days.  On the other hand...I have a lot less to worry about when he's locked up or in rehab!  So please refer me back to this post next time I am worried to pieces.


~~~~


Went to an Al-Anon mtg. last night.  I have yet to find one that is "friendly".  I always read about how friendly everyone at Al-Anon is but once again I felt like an outsider and no one approached me or said hello to me.  I am very shy in groups but didn't let it show and smiled and tried to look approachable praying that someone would say hi to me first, once that happens, I am fine.  I just panic if I have to approach a stranger in a group (I can walk up to anyone one on one, something about groups causes me to have major anxiety).


The woman who sat next to me all night turned her back and started talking to someone else the second the meeting was over.  I hung around for a moment watching everyone ignore me but then started to have a panic attack and left.  The meeting itself was very depressing, story after story of kids living on the street, in and out of rehab, etc.  Needless to say, I didn't like it.  I like the tools and the concept but I've tired 4 meetings in different locations and with the exception of one I felt like I was intruding in a club that didn't really want new members.  Of course I leave thinking "it must be me" and it takes weeks to get the courage to go to another one so I may just give up on the whole concept.  I get more out of  reading "Courage to Change" and your blogs.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

GEEZ LOUISE!

Well, here I am at my new blog home.  The last 24 hours brought a big surprise to me - I was informed that a certain group of people have been following my blog and they had concerns.  Rather than going into the details, I OFFERED to take my blog down and not refer to them by name in the future.

So I have a new blog, a new name and a new look...but all the old posts and comments are still here!

I think most of you know my son's name, he will hereby be referred to as "K" (except on the posts I have not got to yet, its taking forever to find them all and change them).

My "other son" will be referred to from now on as "Ant" cause I think that's a cute nickname and a lot less letters to type.

Tonight I am going to an Al-Anon meeting that I have never attended before and am nervous, more about driving in the dark than the actual meeting.  I will report back.

I am praying for all of you, and being VERY thankful for you this Thanksgiving week (and the other 364 days of the year too).

Oh - feel free to link this blog, follow it, add it to your reader.  I'm not trying to hide it or anything.

Barbara

I Went

I went to a meeting this morning.  I had been to a few other Al-Anon meetings and various other 12 Step groups and everyone is right when they say each group has its own personality.  I felt very much at home at this one.  I think it was about 40 women and 2 men, and most of the people were of retirement age (I felt so young!).  I felt warmly welcomed.  I even TALKED for a minute (have no idea what I said).

I will go back but also want to check out some other meetings too cause there is one right by my house.  AND I am going to meet K (Ant's girlfriend) at an NA meeting once a week starting next week.

ALSO:  K'sdad just called wanting to go see K tomorrow.  I updated him that K has been moved to Lacy (he didn't know that) and gave him directions then I realized K had said he did NOT want to see his dad from jail again.  Ooops.  Oh well, too bad.  I think its great that his dad is finally stepping up and I don't want to discourage that.  K will just have to deal with it, the fact is - he's in jail.  If he's embarrassed about that, well, that's one of the many consequences.

Hopefully he won't be too shocked since he's expecting ME to show up tomorrow.  I'll go Saturday.

I Am Going to a Meeting

I read all the Al-Anon material.
I listen to other paretns who attend.
But I don't go to meetings.

I could explain why, but I am not really sure the entire reason.

Tomorrow, I am going to one.  You can hold me accountable.

Its at 10:00 am about 15 minutes from my house.