Is There Hope for a Kid Raised in the Justice System?

Who is to blame?

I  recently wrote about how angry and disgusted I was with Anthony.  Since then my feelings have gone back to empathy and compassion several times, only to hear something that shot them right back up to anger and disbelief.  I will spare you all the ugliness of what's he'd doing now.

The thing is, I really do love him and even though I have vowed to remove myself from his life I hope that by some miracle, he will turn his life around.  I've done all I can, and he still says "no one cares, no one is helping me, poor me....."  I find it very insulting to heart that - but more than that, I find it sad because at some level he probably believes it.

So the question on my mind today is, did he ever  have hope?  A kid raised by drug addicts/criminals who's spend more time incarcerated than free for the last 9 years?  He's 23 but is he really?  Did he ever have a chance to grow up and mature or did he just learn to survive?

Who's to blame?  Its easy to say he made his own choices and he could have got off the drugs and earned an honest living.  Those of us who love addicts know it doesn't make sense, its not a simple choice, its a gut-level commitment that involves moving forward, falling, getting back up and starting over.

Taking the drugs out of the equation completely - can we blame his mom for abandoning him to her meth addiction and dying when he was a young teen?  Can we blame his dad for leaving him in a stolen car in hopes that he wouldn't be convicted of grand theft because he was only 16?  (he was convicted, his first felony charge)

He has most of the characteristics of a psychopath which experts believe is caused by genetics, environment or both.  So who is to blame?


Why do I feel a need to blame anyone?  I guess because when I think of the photos of him as a boy, a cherubic face with a mischievous smile, my heart literally hurts.  I am so angry at him for what he's done (and continues to do) recently because he's hurting others not just himself.  But part of me wants to grab him and hold him and believe that my love can save him.

But of course, I know damn well, it can't.

P.S.  Decided to check his Facebook page to see if he's been on there.  I am filled with anger and "hate".  I feel like deleting everything I just wrote about him.  Maybe he really is evil?  I give up.  I hope he stays away from his 3 year old son and gives that poor kid a chance at a normal life.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Davy Knowles - My Favorite Rising Star

Just before my world took a huge hit (Keven's drug use) I had discovered a new band.  I first heard Davy and Backdoor Slam on an obscure radio station.  I was completely blown away and had to find out who they were.  I had planned to buy their CD immediately but just happened to get it in the mail a few days later.  (This was back when my music blog was a big deal and music promoters would send me tons of music to review.  I still get them, but no longer review or promote.  Anyone out there want a bunch of CDs from new bands?)

After listening to the CD, "Roll Away" by "Davy Knowles and Back Door Slam", I emailed Davy's publicist to thank her. She told me some background on "the boys".  I was shocked to learn that Davy was from the small island called "Isle of Man" and was only 21 years old! He didn't sound that young and his talent rivals my hero, Stevie Ray Vaughan (seriously).  How could someone so young write these songs and play this music?  I was an instant fan.

I started promoting Davy to all my music friends.  I was interviewed on a radio station and asked to share three songs the listeners may not be familiar with.  I chose an obscure U2 song, a song by a band I liked at the time and "Come Home" by Davy & BDS.  The radio hosts are guys that make a career (literally, they are record producers) out of finding good new bands and they had never heard of these guys.  They were impressed.  (I have to admit I kind of liked the feeling I got when they thanked me because I was usually at the receiving end of new bands, I had never before "discovered" a group on my own!)  

I have a great affection for Davy, he is such a nice young man.  I had the privilege (thrill!) of being introduced to him a year later after watching him in concert. He is a doll!  I also got to meet his manager and said to him "please, whatever you do, don't let fame get to his head and ruin him".  (I felt this way about John Mayer when he first came out but he didn't stay humble for long...quite the opposite.)

So far so good, Davy is a funny, lovable kid off stage (Twitter) and a serious rock and blues guitarist/vocalist onstage.  He is very appreciative of his fame and seems surprised every time he gets invited to do a tour or play a big gig somewhere.  I think he'll be headed to Japan soon.

So anyhow, I'm sitting here listening to "my boy" and wishing he would come to California one of these days.  I missed him last time he was here because of circumstances but next time - I'm going.  (Lisa and Joy - go with me!!!!!)

I stuck a widget on my sidebar but it only has two songs.  If you like Rockin' Blues guitar, check Davy out.  You will thank me ;)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I Lost

Just found out I lost my unemployment appeal and will not be receiving benefits.

My former employer sent five people to lie to the judge, so it was five against one.  I thought for sure he would recognize that they were lying but I guess not...numbers talk and there was no one I could call as a witness because they were all paid (in one way or another) to lie.
Life is not always fair.

I am officially freaked out over my finances and can't live on my credit cards much longer because they've all come close to the limit and no one will give me a higher limit because I have no income.

What does  a person do in this situation?  I am very, very fortunate to have a roof over my head and food to eat but won't be able to pay my bills much longer.  Can they take me to jail?  I've never not paid bills in my life.

I can't find a damn job.  I am trying every single day.  I am supporting not only myself but my son.  What's he suppose to do when my credit runs out because he can't find a job either.

Not a happy day.

P.S.  I am also getting discouraged at all the ads wanting someone "bi-lingual".  I'd say at least half say bi-lingual preferred and some say its a must have.  Who knew taking French rather than Spanish in high school would affect my future?  Not me.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Is Your State Smoke Free?

California banned smoking in public places back in 1995.  You can't smoke within a certain number of feet of any public place.  Its not allowed at beaches, parks, etc.  But its not that big of a deal because no one around here smokes much!

The majority of smokers around here are the young people** and people in recovery.  Keven started smoking in recovery because out of 90 residents at Phoenix House he was the ONLY ONE that didn't smoke.

And then there are the people like my aunt, who's been smoking for over 50 years and isn't going to quit any time soon.

In the summer of 2009 I spent some time in Wisconsin and it shocked me that people could smoke in restaurants!  It was so weird, I was so accustomed to smoking been looked upon as a gross disgusting habit that it amazed me that people would do such a thing in public (I was smoking myself back then, but not much).  If you smoke around here you are looked down upon (at least in my area).

ANYHOW all that to say I noticed New York is jumping on the smoke free bandwagon and was wondering what YOUR STATE does about smoking?  Is it taboo?  Is it something to be hide behind closed doors?  Is it done in public?  Is it banned?

**The other day we were discussing how to get kids/teens to not try drugs but we still haven't figured out to get them to not smoke.  Its the kids that think smoking is cool that seem to be the same ones that pick up the drugs.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I Have A Good Heart

Short Story:  Had my heart checked out today and it passed.


Long Story:  I don't go to the doctor unless I absolutely have to.  I've been ignoring chest pains for months because I diagnosed the problem as "stress".  Last week they intensified and I got kind of scared so went to my dr. who scared me further by insisting I go to the ER.  I refused but did agree to a treadmill test today and my heart was good.  Its stress related.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Some People Can't Be Helped

I am not the type to give up hope and think of someone as a "lost cause", but sometimes its necessary, its called for, its the right thing to do.

I'm referring to Anthony.  I won't go into what he did (and it has nothing to do with Keven) but I will say it involves violence, stealing, endangering others and making a half-hearted suicide attempt.  Right now he's in the hospital, he was dropped off there early this morning by his now former girlfriend, she left him and said he attempted suicide but apparently he is asking to leave because he just called and asked me for a ride.

I said one word, "no".  He hung up on me.  I will call the cops if he comes to my house.  I do have a few more of his belongings which I will be dropping off at his grandparents this afternoon.

Its sad but my prediction is that he will either be in and out of prison the rest of his life, or, the rest of his life will be a very short period of time.  He's a psychopath, a sociopath.  He is not just an addict, it goes far beyond that.

I'm aware that most addicts exhibit many traits of a psychopath/sociopath and a narcissist, but he embodies every trait to the extreme.  I believe he's a danger to society and you won't here much about him from here on out because I have finally and forever given up on him.

I feel bad for his brother and his grandparents and I think his 3 year old son is much better off never knowing his father.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Idioms

Do you ever wonder why we use some of the phrases we use? I just looked one up so decided to share a few others I found:

Close, but no cigar:

Carnival games of skill, particularly shooting games, once gave out cigars as a prize. A contestant that did not quite hit the target was close, but did not get a cigar.

Dead as a door nail:

Nails were once hand tooled and costly. When an aging cabin or barn was torn down the valuable nails would be salvaged so they could be reused in later construction.
When building a door however, carpenters often drove the nail through then bent it over the other end so it couldn't work its way out during the repeated opening and closing of the door. When it came time to salvage the building, these door nails were considered useless, or "dead" because of the way they were bent.

High on the hog:

The best meat is on the upper portion of the pig. Rich people have always been afforded this luxury while the servants, slaves and poor have always had to eat pig's feet, chitterlings, cracklings, etc. - low on the hog.

Let the cat out of the bag:

At medieval markets, unscrupulous traders would display a pig for sale. However, the pig was always given to the customer in a bag, with strict instructions not to open the bag until they were some way away. The trader would hand the customer a bag containing something that wriggled, and it was only later that the buyer would find he'd been conned when he opened the bag to reveal that it contained a cat, not a pig. Therefore, "letting the cat out of the bag" revealed the secret of the con trick.

Mind your P's and Q's:

Comes from the early pub days when beer and ale was served in pint and quart containers. The tab was kept on a chalkboard used to count the pints and quarts consumed. To watch your Ps and Qs is to control your alcoholic intake and behavior.

Sleep tight:

Before box springs were in use, old bed frames used rope pulled tightly between the frame rails to support a mattress. If the rope became loose, the mattress would sag making for uncomfortable sleeping. Tightening the ropes would help one get a good night sleep.

With a grain of salt:

Salt is now an inexpensive and readily available commodity. But it was once very valuable due to its high demand as a food preservative and relative scarcity.
Salt was thought to have healing properties and to be an antidote to poisons. To take (eat or drink) something "with a grain of salt" was to practice preventive medicine. One would do this if they were suspicious that the food might be poisonous or may cause illness.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

The Crazy Things We Think and Do

Way back in 2009 when I first suspected that my son was "up to something" I tried listening to his conversations in hope of gaining some insight.  I even used a stethoscope to listen through his bedroom door!  How embarrassing is that?

The "funny" part of this is that I don't know what I would have done if I did hear something because I was drowning in denial at that time, unaware for my need to surface and breathe.  It was like I held my breath for months waiting for some dramatic event.

Then the dramatic even occurred.  The rest has been a long, tedious journey of ups and downs.

I do believe that knowledge is power, because the more I learned, the better I was able to cope.

Note to parents who are new to this:  The relapse issue was the hardest for me  to grasp at first.  Sitting in AlAnon listening to other parents talk about relapse after relapse, sitting in family groups listening to addicts say it was their second, third or fourth time in rehab.

That upset me.  I had the mind set that once the addict decided to stop using and got in a program and was serious - end of problem.  When I learned that "relapse is part of recovery" and accepted it, I was still disappointed, sad and/or angry when it happened....but I was never surprised and always knew it was not the end of the world.

Right now Keven has 16 days but now I find myself thinking "oh good, this must be the last time he's ever going to relapse because he's done it so many times now....this last time was the grand finale and he's finally done!!"

Ha.

I need to be careful with my expectations.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Didn't get the job...

Well, I am assuming I did not get the job at the drug treatment place because they never called me in for a 2nd interview and the position starts on Monday.  I'm not used to not getting a job I applied for.  It seems that I almost always get hired.

So I have to ask myself, why?  What is different about me?  Is it that I am older?  Overweight?  Too experienced?  I don't know.  I used to do hiring and I am not sure if I would hire myself.  I don't exude that youthful enthusiasm and energy I once had.  I mean, I smiled, said all the right things and had a really nice conversation with the woman, but something about me must have been lacking.  Kinda bums me out.

Keven Update:  He's out of jail, back in Cornerstone and this time is in a program called "Monitored Out Patient" which means he has to be out of the house from 8-5 (working) then goes to meetings from 6-9:30 with his group.  Unfortunately his group this time is all older people that drink rather than younger people who do heroin.  Its a bit disappointing but when he asked if he could switch groups they said our insurance didn't cover the other one.  That kind of ticked me off....like our insurance company is going to know which group he's in?  They all meet at the same time and place, why not stick him in with his peers?  He's more accepting of it than I am (a very good sign).
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Talking to Kids About Drugs

If you haven't read Ron's blog today, stop on over to "An Addict in Our Son's Bedroom" and add  your comment.  He asks two important questions and asks for other parents to share.

Unfortunately, my experience with this topic (see comment to Ron below) has not been good.  I appreciate organizations that work on ways to prevent kids/teens from trying drugs.  I believe they are sincere and are doing the best they know how, but a lot of what I've seen (see this post for what I mean) is just not cutting it for the reality of today's youth.

What is the answer?  I think they need to ask some real parents (like Ron, like us) who have been in the trenches and understand this issue from the inside out for our opinions.  I think they should also ABSOLUTELY use recovered addicts of the current generation (most of our kids ages) to share what, if anything would have stopped them.

In Keven's case his answer was "Nothing.  Nothing anyone said or did would have stopped me from trying".

There is one thing that I'd like to see addressed and used in a positive way.  TEACH KIDS THAT THEY MAY HAVE A DISEASE.  Would Keven had tried if he knew he'd become addicted so easily?  No one explained to him that addiction chooses you, you don't choose it, and that SOME PEOPLE ARE PRE-DISPOSED TO THIS DISEASE.  It took me forever to accept addiction was a disease.  I thought that was a cop out, BS excuse used to justify it.  But after a few years, lots of lectures and one very awesome video presentation, I was a believer.

Here's my comment:

Ron, great questions.  It would be wonderful if talking to kids made a difference, and for some I'm sure it does.  For mine, it didn't.
 Here are my thoughts based on what I did with Kev:
 When he was in 4th grade (age 9/10) they had a drug awareness program.  Up to that point he had never mentioned drugs so I had not brought it up, knowing that all the kids learned about them in 4th.  The police came in with display cases of what all the drugs, etc. looked like and gave them all a talk about the dangerous of using and how to say no.
 Keven came home from the demonstration at school fascinated with all the drugs and paraphernalia he got to see and learn about.  He had every drug name memorized and proceeded to tell me how to use each one.  I was SHOCKED, it was my first indication that he saw drugs as something "cool", so I began at that time to have very frank discussions with him about my past experience of what drugs do to ruin, or end, a life.  I told him of friends I'd had in high school, I told him of statistics, I tried to relate it to him personally saying that he would not be able to pursue his sport if he used drugs, how it would affect his life, etc. etc.
 That was my strategy and it failed miserably.  He tried weed and alcohol at 15 and by the time he was 17 he had tried every illicit drug known to mankind and was addicted to heroin.  I don't know what I could have done differently.
 I'm looking forward to reading what others have to say.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

It went well

Things went well at court. Its amazing what money can buy (an attorney that will get you what you want). I have very mixed feelings about using an attorney but the bottom line is, I am glad we did.

Keven will be released from custody tomorrow morning at 6 am. I will pick him up at the jail and drive him straight to Cornerstone's Inpatient house (since no one is in the office that early). He'll be allowed to go back to monitored living, hopefully the same house. He will have to do 90 meetings in 90 days and journal about it, he will get tested three times a week, once on a weekend, and he has to do community service while looking for a job. So, all is well.

Oh, also he will have to start taking Naltrexone (opioid receptor antagonist used primarily in the management of alcohol dependence and opioid dependence.)  He's not going to like that, I've heard a lot of the residents complain about how it makes him feel, but tough beans - he should be counting his blessings and better not complain!

In other news, I had to say "no" to Anthony today.  It was very hard for me, in fact I said yes at first then came to my senses and said no.  It was a favor he needed - me giving him a ride and then allowing him to do a tattoo at my house.  It was hard to say no since this is one of his standard tattoo places, we don't mind at all and usually enjoy getting to know the person getting inked.  BUT I put my own needs and my son's needs first and said no to him.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Another Big Day in Court

Hmmm, it seems this phrase has passed through my lips several times, but this time, it really is "a critical day in court for Keven".

Judge L. will either decide to:

a) send  him back to monitored living at Cornerstone which would be our choice
b) send him back to extended care living at Cornerstone which would cost us more money
c) kick his ass out of the program and make him serve his prison term and be a lifelong felon
d) something else

I am pretty confident it will be A or B thanks to our amazing and much loved attorney.

I never thought I'd hire an attorney, but because I did he's had someone fighting for him, and trust me it makes a huge difference.  Its angers and saddens me that the majority of people (us included until recently) have to get by with a Public Defender that doesn't really even know them.  Our attorney has become a big part of Keven's life. She calls him, she takes his calls collect from jail, she sends him encouraging texts out of the blue just to see how he is.  She calls, texts and emails me often.  But the best thing is she chose to work ONLY with drug addicts, its become a passion for her.  She is highly respected in our court.  I'm not too worried about tomorrow.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Blog Dilemma

I used to have another blog (many of you checked it out from time to time) where I wrote about my life or anything that I found interesting, controversial, funny, etc.  Since my former employer print out pages of that blog to use against me recently, I decided to close it.  It no longer felt like home, maybe that's how a person feels after an intruder has been in their home - violated.  Of course there's a big difference between a public blog and a private home.  Maybe I'm just being dramatic.

But, nevertheless, I stopped writing there and now if I want to share something that is not related to addiction or recovery I will be sharing it here.  That feels weird to me too.  I am a very compartmentalized blogger for some reason...weird, huh?

So the dilemma is:

- do I just not write about personal/interesting stuff anymore
- do I write about those things here and just not care that it doesn't follow the "topic"
- do I change the name of the blog so its more all encompassing
- do I just quit making such a big deal out of such a silly little thing as this

I'll be pondering all this, and welcome any thoughts or opinions.

In the meantime I will share a picture of Keven that one of his friends sent me.  Now, can anyone tell me why on earth he's wearing a hat like this at the beach!?!  LOL

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Two Kinds of Cops

I've had more contact with Law Enforcement in the last five years than in the rest of my life combined.  It seems to me that there are two types of police officers.

Type A is the macho tough guy/gal who becomes a cop so he/she can be in a position of authority, control and power.  Type B becomes a cop to serve and protect their community.

Both types have called me on the phone, come to my house, searched my house, arrested my son on many occasions.  One time, when I was still relatively new to all this, one cop actually yelled at me, and another cop, who witnessed it apologized for his partner and was very empathetic.

I'm writing about this because in the last two days I have been assited by two Type B cops.  One yesterday when my car broke down ON THE FREEWAY!  He pushed me to safety with his car and stayed with me till the tow truck got there (btw - $1,680 in repairs!).

Then today, after a week of me trying to obtain one of Keven's two bicycle keys from either CS or the jail, I finally had his keys released to me through the jail.  I drove to where his bike has been locked up (outside the probation office where he was taken into custody last Thurs.) only to find that someone had been trying to steal the bike and had crushed the lock, rendering it useless.

Earlier in the week I had tried to get one of the officers around there (there's also a Sheriff substation nearby) to cut the lock for me.  But the one I asked was a Type A.  Today I lucked out.  I asked a different cop and he was a Type B!  He didn't even check to make me prove I was the owner, I think he KNEW I was telling the truth.  He left me by the bike for a few minutes and came back with a huge bolt-cutter and two other cops (guys like to watch other guys cut locks, I guess?) and he used all his strength and cut the damn lock off so I was able to get the bike!

I told the three of them they were  my heroes and they thanked me and said they didn't hear that often enough.  I was tempted to explain my theory about the types of cops...but thought better of it :)

(I dated a Type A cop years ago but it didn't last long because he was way too controlling and intense).

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

A New Blog to Check Out!

Hello Everyone,

The other day I got a comment from a young man named Ross who has started a blog.  He's 24, a recovering addict/alcoholic and his blog is incredibly good.  He's articulate, interesting and shares recovery from his perspective - which to me is so valuable in understanding my own son.

Check him out, he would like some readers so pass the word, thanks!

"Life of A Recovering Addict"


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Job Interview

Thanks for all of you who asked how the interview went and wished me luck with it.  It went well, she is going to choose a few people to have back for a second interview before she decides and I have a strong feeling I will be included in that group.

But (I hate buts) it was not what I had expected it to be like.  I was picturing something like where Keven is - each of the residents/clients live in houses in the same vicinity, but they all meet together at least twice a day at the big main office for their groups, individual counseling and meetings.  In other words - the office staff interacts with the residents, the other staff, the families....and that's what appealed to me.  Being around lots of different people that I could relate to and having some interaction with them, even if it was just simple and minimal interaction.  For example...when the office staff at CS sees Keven, they know him by name and ask how he is.  I was envisioning that type of environment.

This situation is totally different.  I would be in a small office with four other women.  No interaction with clients or staff.  The office deals with insurance and billing ONLY.   I am not sure if  I could deal with that.  My favorite part of every job I've ever had is interacting with people whether they be vendors, associates, staff, etc.

So can I afford to be picky at this point?  I think not, but I also hate to take a job just for the money and end up dreading it, that's not fair to them or to me.  I will have to think about it if I am offered a second interview.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

"Angel"

Years ago on a blog that is long gone, I wrote a lot about a young friend of mine who was in the depths of drug addiction.  I called her "Angel" to keep her anonymity.  At the time I had no idea that is was the beginning of my "training" in addiction; Keven was just a kid 12 or 13 when Angel started using.

Angel was like a daughter to me in some ways, but also a friend.  I loved her intensely.  I did all I could do for her.  I made mistakes that I thought were helping.  I learned so much about what an addict went through, etc.  I also know her family so got my first glimpse of what a parent goes through.

Eventually Angel got clean and I rejoiced, celebrated and ENJOYED her for three years.  Then last year the old Angel started to show up.  I honestly didn't think it was drugs at first - I thought her behavior was a direct result of getting involved with the scumbag that fed her addiction for years.  But then it became to obvious to ignore.  For the last year I have watched my Angel sink lower and lower into that ugly, dark place.

I was with her yesterday and she was on Meth.  I never brought it up - it was too obvious, why bother.  She was so out there I don't think she knew or cared if I knew.  Its heartbreaking.  She's suppose to be moving out of state today for a job promotion.  Her dad is driving 16 hours with her to her new home.  I'm sure she'll find a new supplier of drugs soon after she settles in.

I still love this young lady very much, but have let go of her - if you know what I mean.  She will be 26 this month.  I hope its not her last birthday.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

P.S.  Today is a big day for me for two reasons, will write more later have to get going!

"Take a chill pill!"

That's what I said to myself this morning after reading the post I wrote last night.  I was feeling over-sensitive and defensive.  I was not following one of my main life mottos:  Respond, don't react.

I've been a bit wound up the last two weeks over an issue that has nothing to do with Keven, Ant, drugs....it has to do with an unemployment hearing I attended.

Every day I open the mailbox expecting the letter that says I lost my appeal, but hoping to find a letter that says I won.  No letter yet but I did get something from them yesterday that makes me thing just maybe the judge believed me even though it was five against one.  To me their dishonesty was very clear, but I still thought he'd side with them since they tried very hard to discredit my character, even using Keven's addiction against me!

So maybe, just maybe I will be awarded unemployment.  I'm looking daily for a job and have not even had an INTERVIEW yet.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

My Reasons for Paying for Rehab

Thanks for leaving comments on the last post.  I noticed a common theme as many of you suggested I not go into debt to pay for Keven's rehab.  I understand the reasoning behind that, but the reality of the situation is that if I have opportunity to keep my son our of prison and from having a felony on his record for life...then I am going to take it.

Keven's judge made a deal with him.  The deal was Residential Rehab for 6 months or leave her court program and serve his time (16 months in prison with time served, he'd probably do a little less than a year).  And of course that would mean a felony following him around.

My son is not a criminal.  The judge knows that, I know that and he knows it too.  He's an addict that has made slow but steady progress in the last two years and has made a HUGE jump in progress in the last three months, until last week.

I believe with all my heart that he would have not sought out heroin on his own, he did it because it was there.  He regretted it.  He stopped using it even though he knew he could keep using until he got caught if he chose.

My son is going to make it.  I am behind him 100%.  I believe in him.  There have been moments in the past that I was so heartbroken and angry that I wished he had never been born.  That's hard to admit, but its true.  Now, I feel a love for him stronger than ever because when I look in his eyes I see who he really is, and he's a good human being, a valuable person.

Maybe this looks like I am enabling or making life too easy on him.  In some ways his life has been easy, but he's lived with some pretty shitty stuff starting at an early age.

He's my son, my only child.  He and I are close because there's never been another parent or a sibling, we're all we've got.  And so if I am doing the "wrong" thing, so be it.  I want him to have this opportunity.  I don't want him going to prison.  Simple as that.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Everything Happens for a Reason (?)

I woke up with a smile on my face and a positive outlook on life.  Bizarre, but true.

Annette mentioned in a comment below that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that too, do you? I used to hate the thought of that because it always made me think "what was he reason my dad had to die when he was so young?".   I still haven't figured that out because I think my life would have been different (better) if he had lived.  But I may not have had Keven....I probably would have got married and had a family the normal way because I would have been a different person if my dad was around during my teens and my life would have taken a different direction.

Anyhow, I feel better today.  Thanks for the support yesterday.  My plan is to go visit him today (I am so lucky its only a short drive) and have a talk with him face to face about what's going on and what will most likely happen next.

We still have an attorney and she called me twice yesterday.  She knew all about this before Keven or I did since she works closely with his PO.  She also knows the judge really well and thinks after her initial anger at Keven wears off she will give him yet another "final chance" and send him back to Cornerstone.  Unfortunately this means back to "Extended Care" which means at least $10,000 (or more).  My family is tapped out financially because of Keven, so I dug out all my credit cards (I had several in a drawer with 0 balance) and am going to max them all out to pay for it.  I already have four maxed our cards so what the hell....what's another 10 grand right????

I refuse to let this get me down.  I have "relapsed" myself by not taking care of myself like I should and spending too much time focused on Keven and Anthony.

Speaking of Ant - I know I said I was done with him, of course that was said in anger.  I went to see him two days ago and it was pathetic.  He'd been off heroin for days but was so high he could barely stand up, his eyes were half closed and he was slurring his words.  He doesn't remember me being there.  He was taking Suboxone and eating chocolate bars laced with hash oil.  Lovely.  He even insisted that I take a few home so I did, and tossed them in the trash.

At least he's in a detox now and from there off to yet another rehab.  I kind of am done with him.  I love him, but I am closing the door now so it won't hurt so much to see him either incarcerated or buried.  I don't think he's going to make it long in this world.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Back in Jail

Keven's PO called him in today.  He had a dirty test from using with Ant last week.  He's in custody for at least a few days possibly weeks possibly 16 months.  All depends on how the judge feels about it.  I am not doing well this time because he's changed, he's been doing so well, he's working his program.  I can't blame it all on Ant but you know what - if he hadn't offered it to Keven this would not have happened.

PLEASE READ RON'S COMMENTS TO MY POST BELOW!  The point he makes is 100% right on and nothing makes me more angry.  Politics seem to matter more than people.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Another drug overdose from the crowd of users he knows....

This graph was from FOUR years ago...its only getting worse every day.

It makes me sick hearing stories like this over and over and being reminded that HEROIN HAS TO BE STOPPED. Why is it so available? Why do kids try it knowing what its done to their friends? Why doesn't our government do anything to keep it out of this country since 100% of it is imported. I guess saving thousands of lives is low on their priority list....but if you took every heroin overdose of the last year alone and put them in a hostage situation....our government would be all over it. They'd do something to save all those young lives. You know they would. But because they die one by one and because they chose to walk into the arms of their enemy, the abomination of heroin importation is ignored. As long as its available, new addicts will be born every day.

As I read about this young man's body being dumped, my mind played out the scene of what probably happened:

Some friends drove to Santa Ana to score their dope. They went to one of the scumbag hotels in Costa Mesa to use. Justin OD'd and they panicked. They may have tried CPR, but may have been too high or not known how. None of them wanted to get busted so instead of calling 911, they drove him to a high school that was next to a fire station, then drove to a nearby pay phone to make an anonymous call for help knowing that the Fire Dept. would arrive within seconds of their call.

Unfortunately Justin was already dead. They may have known this or maybe they had hope that there was till enough life in him to be saved. Either way its very sad.

Keven saved his friend's life by calling 911 and giving Jon CPR until they arrived. I am not saying that to brag, just saying that in situations like this the risk of going to jail yourself could save a life. Keven was sure they'd arrest him since he was on probation, but the cop he talked to let it go.

Here is the story I am referring to:

Police ID body found at Costa Mesa high school



Peace, Hope and Love,Barbara

Sleeping A Lot

I know one of the signs of hero,in use is sleeping a lot.  Keven is sleeping a lot.  He volunteers in the morning and then drives here and sleeps all afternoon then goes to his 5 pm mtg. and sometimes a second mtg.  He's randomly drug tested at his sober living home and tested every Monday at probation.  I don't think he's using.  I am not being naive, I just don't think he would risk it at this point.

Why is he sleeping so much?  Depression?

I just want him to be OKAY.  He hasn't been okay for years, even before drugs he was not okay.  He's been depressed since 3rd grade.

I have depression too.  I know how it feels, but .... I just want to see him smile again.  Its been weeks since he smiled.

Each Day A New Beginning

The last week has seemed like a month.  Keven seems okay but looks so, so tired.

Neither one of us have spoken to Ant but according to his grandmother he broke into her locked closet and stole all her pain meds and has been sitting around his room nodding out and mumbling all


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Not sure what's going on

I'm Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara