A Topic That Won't Seem To Go Away (UPDATE!)

Update: If you don't have time to read this post, no biggie. BUT PLEASE do NOT MISS the comment left by Bmelon because she is an addict that found lasting sobriety and knows what she's talking about. She has a great message for us parents!

As parents of addicts, I think the majority of us struggle with the question:

What did I do to contribute to him/her becoming an addict?

Then we hear our peers, and most of our addiction specialists assure us again and again:  It was not your fault.  There is research and evidence that shows addicts come from all types of families.  It doesn't matter if they were loved or if they had obvious trauma in their childhoods - the disease of addiction was pre-existing in them and there was nothing we could have done to stop it.

But....its still nags at many of us.  Maybe we could have stopped them from tying it the first time, maybe we really did do something to mess them up to the point that they sought out an escape.

Last night the speaker said that 80% of addicts have had abuse, neglect or trauma in their past (verbal, emotional, physical or sexual).  That's a lot.   I don't doubt that statistic, but if its true then wouldn't that also mean that some of us played a role in it?  It was disturbing to hear that ugly statement coming from a professional in the field since I've worked so hard to not believe any of it was my fault.

I've come to the conclusion that if I did something - or did not do something - it was not intentional and it was done in love.  I refuse to waste time and energy feeling bad about something that is in the past and can't be changed.  I've apologized to Keven for the things I know I did wrong as a parent.  He tells me over and over that it was NOTHING I did.

So if you start to go town that road, stop yourself.  Blog about it or call a friend or email another parent.  Don't let it rob you of the present moment because all parents make mistakes and addicts come from loving homes as well as unhealthy homes.

If you know your child had an unhealthy upbringing in your home, then you probably did too.  Really, its a cycle that goes through many families but can be stopped.  The last need we need is GUILT.

QUOTE From Kansas Bob's Comment (this really sums up this whole post!!!!)

"Years ago a friend told me that if I took the blame for my addicts failures then I would also be tempted to take credit for his success as well. It helped me. 

My failures and successes belong to me. 

His belong to him."

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Where do I go to resign from this gig?

I'm done being a mother.  I've had it.  Went to visit him tonight and he treated me like ____ the whole time.  At one point he just got up and left the meeting, leaving me sitting there alone.  Fortunately  his counselor (a great guy) noticed and went and found him and told him to come back. I am 10% hurt and 90% angry.  He does this to me whenever we're alone (my sis did not go with me tonight).  After the meeting he said "you can go now" and I said, "see ya" but he did walk me out and we ended up talking, mostly him being negative and trying to make me feel bad.  He takes his anger and hatred out on me and I won't tolerate it any more.  Its like not even having a son.  I really thought a lot of this was a result of drug use, but obviously it goes deeper since he's clean - but still mean.

He kept saying he's going to "run" and "you have to come get me or I'll go get high".  I just looked at him and shook my head.  

I don't want this post to upset anyone, I'm just venting and being sarcastic.  Its obvious he has a lot more going on that needs to be addressed.  At this point, I don't want him back in my house if he's going to be like this.  I know I am to blame for some of his attitude of entitlement.  I need to get help for my issues too.

My fantasy:  having a husband (or any man will do) that would get in his face and say "DON'T YOU EVER DISRESPECT YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT AGAIN!"

7 Truths About My Addict That Took 5 Years To Learn

MUST READ article by our fellow blogger, Ron Grover aka as "Dad" from "An Addict in Our Son's Bedroom". In fact the entire blog is important to read, and a few other friends have articles there too.  Check it out:  Intervene

Here's the first part, click link above for the rest:

7 Truths About My Addict That Took 5 Years To Learn

Friday, November 6th, 2009

I feel deep empathy toward parents just beginning the terrible journey of their child’s drug addiction — and those facing the turmoil of a next step: rehab, incarceration, dislodging the addict from the family home. These are still open and fresh wounds for my wife and me.
Following are seven hard lessons we’ve learned in our journey, all of which we denied in the beginning. We fought with ourselves and with each other about these things. It didn’t matter who was telling us the truth, we knew better, after all he was our son. We have come to accept these truths and now it is much easier to deal with the heartache and we’ve become more effective helpers for our son/addict.

Hurting Parents

There are so many hurting parents of addicts.
We are all different, but the same.
I've seen healing, recovery and miracles - it can happen for our children too.