Song of the Day by Whitesnake

Being the Rock and Roll aficionado that I am, I usually have a song going on in my head at all times and can always come up for one that suits my mood or the occasion at hand, often subconsciencely. Today that song is "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake.

Tomorrow Kev has yet another court date and this one will be a big deal (I am 90% sure a decision will be made). The next step of his future will be revealed tomorrow based on what the judge offers and what he is willing to accept. I am prepared for him to opt out of the program and take his time because he's already served over 6 months (in bits and pieces) that he'd probably be out in a little over a month.

I don't know which of us, him or me, is singing this song today but I woke up with it blaring in my brain and can't turn it off:

I don't know where I'm going

But I sure know where I've been

Hanging on the promises and songs of yesterday

And I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time

Here I go again, Here I go again

Though I keep searching for an answer

I never seem to find what I'm looking for

Oh Lord I pray you give me strength to carry on

'Cause I know what it means

To walk along the lonely street of dreams

And here I go again on my own

Going down the only road I've ever known

Like a drifter I was born to walk alone

But I've made up my mind

I ain't wastin' no more time

I'm just another heart in need of rescue

Waiting on love's sweet charity

And I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days

'Cause I know what it means

To walk along the lonely street of dreams

So, here I go again 

 Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Court Doesn't Want to Give Up On Him

I'm kind of teary eyed as I write this.  Just got off the phone with his attorney.  When she brought up Keven's case today the judge said she did not want to make a ruling yet, she doesn't want him to opt out, she believes that this program could save his life.  Our attorney actually got choked up when she told Judge L. what Keven was thinking.  These people care about my son.  They care about all the addicts in their program.

So nothing was decided today.  Our attorney spoke with Keven and pleaded with him to THINK HARD these next two weeks about his decision.  Kev admitted to her that he could not stay clean on his own.  She said "then imagine your mother at your funeral looking at you in your coffin" and he started crying.

It may seem harsh, but its a reality for all of us parents who's children choose to keep getting high.  It only takes ONE TIME.  And Keven often uses alone so if he OD'd there would be no one there to call 911 or initiate CPR.  I've imagined his funeral in my mind so many times....I don't want him to die before me.

So he will sit in jail for the next two weeks deciding if he's willing to do WHATEVER it takes, or if he wants to opt out.  He can't say "I will stay IF you put me in xyz rehab and not abc rehab, he has to go wherever they say.

This is what I want.  This is what I believe he needs.  He sees jail time and coming home as the "easy way" out but he's only looking at the immediate future, not the long term affects on his life.

The judge even lifted a no contact order with one of his buddies in the program who is doing really good so he can encourage Keven.

Once again, I am blown away that there are parts of the judicial system that truly care about and have a passion for addicts and sobriety.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Facing His Sentence

The other day I wrote about how I'm doing all the right things - taking one day at a time, accepting the things I can't change, yada yada yada.  Although all of that is true, its in my HEAD.  My HEART is a different story.  I am a bit emotional at the thought of him locked up for an extended period of time.

Tomorrow Keven faces Judge L. one last time (unless she wants him to think even longer about his decision).  I will not be there.  Its not that I don't support him in this, he just wants to be there on his own two feet (which will be shackled, but that's beside the point, right?).

His decision is to "opt out" of the wonderful, awesome court program he's been in for the last year and a half.  When I share about this court program (Opportunity Court/Recovery Court) the response I most often hear is "I wish my son, daughter, loved one could be in a court like that".

The prerequisite to be assigned to this court is that a) you must be an alcoholic/addict, b) you must be under psychiatric care for your mental health issues (bipolar is common among addicts, as are depression and anxiety); you must have a drug felony, you must NOT have any violent offenses.

The pay off is that after completing the program (which could take anywhere from 18 months to 3 years) your felony is dropped as if it never existed AND you are drug free and correctly medicated.

I've watched many graduate from this program.  The least likely to get through it are the young males.  Keven has some peers that are making it, and some that dropped out, and one that died while in the program (OD, his friend Gilberto).

Each individual is different.  For some the accountability, structure and penalties are very motivating and just what the person needs to get them going in the right direction.  I wish Keven were like that.  He's not.

If you've read this blog long you will know that he has panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.  Because of that he will wake up filled with worry that is not based on reality.  Even if there is nothing to provoke his anxiety, most days he senses pending doom.  His biggest and constant worry during the last year and a half is that he is going to do something wrong to get himself kicked out of the program.

Those of you who read here probably also know that he has done PLENTY wrong!  But, if you take all the days counted that he did something wrong (curfew, drinking, using, driving) and all the days he did everything right - the good days far outweigh the bad.  Yet internally he lived each day waiting to be caught for something even when he did NOTHING wrong that day.

That's why they call it mental illness, his mind is ill and doesn't work like a healthy mind.

So if he opts out he's looking at jail and/or prison time and a felony on his record for life.  He will no longer have a program to be accountable to.  He will no longer have the threat of jail if he fails a drug test because there will be no more drug tests.

All of this scares me, but its not my problem.  My only part in this is to stand firm if he uses again and kick his ass out immediately.  I will call the cops if I have to, I have no fear of that, done it before will do it again.

He wants to get a job, go to school and go to an outpatient program three days a week, plus meetings, plus individual counseling plus get a sponsor.

If he does all that, he has a good chance. IF he does ALL of that.  We'll see.

In the meantime I am trying not to think of how hard it will be not to be able to hug him for a really long time.

(PS just a reminder, he knows about this blog and is okay with me airing his issues in public.  He says if its helping people he's all for it).

Another Big Day in Court

Hmmm, it seems this phrase has passed through my lips several times, but this time, it really is "a critical day in court for Keven".

Judge L. will either decide to:

a) send  him back to monitored living at Cornerstone which would be our choice
b) send him back to extended care living at Cornerstone which would cost us more money
c) kick his ass out of the program and make him serve his prison term and be a lifelong felon
d) something else

I am pretty confident it will be A or B thanks to our amazing and much loved attorney.

I never thought I'd hire an attorney, but because I did he's had someone fighting for him, and trust me it makes a huge difference.  Its angers and saddens me that the majority of people (us included until recently) have to get by with a Public Defender that doesn't really even know them.  Our attorney has become a big part of Keven's life. She calls him, she takes his calls collect from jail, she sends him encouraging texts out of the blue just to see how he is.  She calls, texts and emails me often.  But the best thing is she chose to work ONLY with drug addicts, its become a passion for her.  She is highly respected in our court.  I'm not too worried about tomorrow.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thankful and Hopeful !!!

Whew, today went the way we had hoped and prayed - thanks for the extra support over the last two days.

We got there and the judge was late.  I had a very strong feeling that she and K's PO, PD and HCW (health care worker) were in her chambers discussing his case.  I was right.  Tears came to my eyes when she told K that they had spent significant time talking about him this morning and they had all got ON THE PHONE together WITH PH and stressed to them that K was told he'd be in the program weeks ago.  So I guess her influence helped because she said he would be in by mid-November!!!

She didn't even really give K a chance to speak, she just told him this news and he SMILED and said THANK YOU.  Then she said "Is K's mother here today?" (of course I was).  She then spoke to me for a few minutes and I am sure it was partly for the benefit of everyone else in the room.  She talked about how what I am going through as a parent is the most difficult challenge one can face....and that I needed to seek help for myself through Al-Anon and N.A.M.I. and she was happy to know that I had hooked up with N.A.M.I. already and had started attending Al-Anon meetings.  She is an amazing person.  She treats every person in her courtroom with respect, but she's also very tough when she needs to be.

For example, every time I've been there so far (4 times) one person in the program gets sent straight to jail.  Today it was a woman who tested dirty at PH.  She had to get handcuffed and will spend a day or two behind bars.  They are good to people in this program - they don't let them get away with anything, as it should be.  The woman was begging, crying and swearing that she did not use, but the judge said she had to go by the test.  It was sad to see but good to see.

My sister went with me today and was blown away by the whole process, we are so fortunate that he's getting all this help, its not just PH, that's just Phase One.  One person graduated from the program (which takes anywhere from 1 - 2 years depending on how many setbacks you have) and it was a huge celebration for him.  A lot of people were crying.  I am glad K got to see that.

Also, K had a haircut!!!  I don't know who cut his hair or how, but it looked better.  Another positive - he was not alone in the cage or holding cell today so hopefully he did'nt have his typical court day panic attack from being left alone in a tiny room for hours.

There were three other men with him, all older.  One stared at me the whole time which gave me the creeps because it was one of those stares, if you ladies know what I mean.  I think its good for K to be around the old dudes to remind him of how he does NOT want his life to turn out (they looked like they were in their 60's I have no idea how old they really were).

Thanks again.  I am hopeful once again, at least for today.

He's Staying in Custody and I AM SO GLAD!

Someone told me my posts were "lengthy" so I am highlighting in red the most important things for people who aren't into details.  I understand!

Whew, court was emotional today, not just about K but seeing all the changed lives.  I saw about 25 different people go before the judge (who is an amazing woman, encouraging, compassionate and positive yet firm) and share their progress in the program.  All but one did well and the one who did not, well she was handcuffed right then and there for an overnight in jail.  They don't mess around.  She started crying cause she had her dog in the car but they made sure it was taken care of by calling her mom.

They reviewed's case after all the program attendees were dismissed.  He was the only one in the cage today.  I am impressed at how they care about each person.  The judge had six people at her bench discussing K.  I could read the faces and knew they were not going to let him out.

Then she called ME up there.  She is very down to earth and caring.  She took about five minutes to explain to me why they felt K needed to stay in custody (doesn't that sound nicer than "in jail"?) and wait for the program.  I was in full agreement.

Her bottom line to me was, "I am afraid if I let him out, he'll die, and he's too good a person to let that happen to."  She said he is one of the most serious heroin users she's seen (of his age group) in her 15 years and that they found scars, bruises and fresh needle marks all over him when he was arrested.  I wanted to throw up when she said that, and I must have looked it because some woman kind of took my elbow and gave me one of those "it's going to be okay" looks.

I stayed to listen to her tell K the news.  She said she understands and agrees that being in jail is not where he needs to be right now, he needs to be in a recovery home, "PH", but that waiting in jail is the safest option for him.  He didn't argue but he did ask a ton of questions about how long it would be.  When she heard that they had not even been to visit him yet (they were suppose to do it within two weeks and its been three) she immediately told someone to call  them and get things moving that it this was top priority.  That mad(and me) feel good.

Her courtroom is a fascinating place to be.  There is so much hope and encouragement in that room.  You can feel it.  But you also see what happens if you test dirty or lie.  One kid lied (he forged his AA attendance card) and she knew it at a glance!  She said "I am giving you an opportunity to tell me the truth.  If you admit you forged this you are forgiven if you lie about it and it turns out you forged it, you go to jail"  The kid admitted it and got a lecture and a second chance.

I am glad K is part of this Recovery Court program.  Its actually twofold - addressing addiction and mental health.  After court adjourned K's Probation Officer followed me out, introduced himself to me and talked to me at length about K, his plan for K and how he needs me to cooperate by distancing myself from K from this point on and letting him, the PO, be the main person in Ks life right now.  I agreed to that.

Then Mr. O (the PO) introduced me to someone from the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) program and said that he thinks it would be helpful for me to be involved in their family program to better understand what K is going through with his mental health problems (I can't even remember if I told you what he was diagnosed with, but there were four things, two I knew about, one I expected and the other was a surprise but in hindsight its very evident).

So, I feel good.  I feel that the right decision was made and I feel a HUGE relief that he is not going to be under my roof yet.  Yes, he's scared.  Yes, there is some danger in being there.  BUT, its far safer than him being home and anywhere near someone who can get hi m heroin.

How did I not know how bad his using had gotten?  I am not going to waste my emotional energy trying to figure that out....it doesn't matter what I did or did not do right in the past, it only matters what I do from this point on.

Anyhow, thanks to one and all for caring.

Big Day at Court Tomorrow (Wed. 10/7)

Tomorrow will be an interesting day.  The judge will determine if my son should stay in jail waiting for an opening to the rehab she ordered him to, let him come home and wait, or find a different plan for him.

I just want what's best for him....but I sure hope it involves a 90 day in-patient recovery.

Outcome of Court Today

As I sit here fighting back tears, I know in my mind that the outcome of today's court appearance is the right one.  I am grateful for the awesome judge and public defender and others that met about K and discussed his case and determined the best route would be a 90 day in-patient treatment center (PH).  My logic, my sensibilities, my knowledge of drug addiction - all of those things are in complete agreement that this is exactly what my son needs.

My heart, on the other hand, is breaking.

The look on his face, the fear in his eyes, the realization that he was not going to be home for a long time...hurt me deeply.

He will be gone for my birthday, his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and possible even Valentine's Day.  What really hurts is that he won't get to see D and Wyatt* when they are here to visit from Germany for Christmas.

I won't be able to see or TALK to him for his first thirty days there.

They currently have no openings so the judge sentenced him to 107 days in jail but said he would be transferred to PH at the first available opening (which typically takes 6 - 8 weeks).

I know some of you have been through this with your kids - what was it like for you?  For them?  Did it help?  Were you able to enjoy holidays without your child home?  Please let me know.
I have heard of PH  both good and bad) but don't even have the desire to research it right now.  I just want to hug my son.  That's all I want to do right now.

Thanks for caring.

Why does this hurt so bad?  Its what I wanted - court ordered drug treatment.  I just can't get that look on his face out of my mind....

*D is K's cousin who has been in Germany for the last year (her husband is stationed there in the Army) and Wyatt is her son (age 7).  We are a small and close family.  Its going to be hard on all three of them if they can't see each other.

New Development in My Son's Case

Sat in court all day expecting one of two outcomes: Drug Court program OR 6 months jail time. While interviewing him for the Drug Court program the health dept. determined that its highly possible that K is suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness which is why he uses drugs (to self medicate), (aka dual diagnosis).

This doesn't surprise me at all. I've been trying to convince psychiatrists since he was 8 that there was something wrong with my son, that he was not like other kids. They always diagnosed depression and gave him meds for that and I told myself they knew more than I did and always hoped for the best. But who knows a child better than his own mother?

When he took an overdose of pills (intentionally) and was placed in a psychiatric unit for 72 hours I thought that finally someone would diagnose him properly. Since he was an "adult" (he'd been 18 for only 2 friggin weeks at the time!) I never got to talk to the doctor's. But the report didn't say anything new, just that he needed to get into counseling. So, I got him into counseling and got no where with that. The counselor had K convinced that I was responsible for all his anger, hate etc.

So I don't know....Maybe he's bi-polar. His main symptoms have always been s anxiety, fear and paranoia with bouts of depression and childhood migraines which are now gone.

So....I guess in some ways this is good news? That he will get the help he needs. I am going to go visit him tomorrow.

Here is what the program they want to put him into is all about (and this sounds like it will help him more than jail time!)

Recovery (MIOCR) Court

Funded by a grant obtained by the Orange County Sheriff’s Department through the Mentally Ill Offenders Crime Reduction Act (MIOCR), the Recovery Court is a voluntary program for misdemeanor offenders suffering from chronic and persistent mental illness. The participants must have a diagnosis of schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, or major depressive disorder. The program provides participants with psychiatric services which may be initiated in the jail. Once the offender is released from custody they are provided with on-going psychiatric services and mental health counseling, drug and alcohol abuse counseling, residential treatment, and assistance in accessing medical services, employment counseling, job training and placement, government benefits, and housing. The program involves frequent court appearances, regular drug and alcohol testing, meetings with the Recovery Court support team, and direct access to specialized services.

Money Talks - So What if You Don't Have Any?

After much discussion with my family and some friends we decided to hire an attorney for Keven's next court appearance since his Public Defender has demonstrated time and time again that he does not like Keven or me and treats us both very rudely.

It appears that Keven has two options:

a drug program that is designed for older addicts/alcoholics who have tried every other method of rehab possible and has a very low success rate for anyone, especially for anyone under 25 years old

or

six months in jail

Keven has already decided to choose the six months.

BUT I want to know why he was not offered the intermediate program, Prop 36, which would hopefully benefit Keven and lead him to the road of recvoery.

Since our PD was not cooperating I called an attorney and my mom and sister agreed to split the cost.  I assumed it would be around $3,000 since this is what I was quoted before.  No - he wanted $7,500!  That's just too much money for them so we are back to relying on our PD to get Keven the most suitable option.

I don't know if this will do any good or if anyone will even read it, but I plan to try and get it to the PD, and possibly the judge, so that they understand what Keven would like.  The PD refuses to sit down and talk to me face to face so this seems like my only option to communicate.

Please tell me what you think, and please note:  I am not trying to get the easy way out for my son.  I want the BEST for him, not the easiest.  I don't want to set him up for failure (Drug Court) or keep him in jail where he has already been offered drugs and phone numbers or dealers to call when he gets out.  (He has refused both).

I wrote:

The attorney I had hoped would represent Keven called me.  We went over the case and all sounded great till he mentioned his fee:  $7,500 !!!!

There is no way we can afford that.  He also told me that he thinks Rich Carmona and Judge Jones (the PD and judge on Keven's case) are really good people that are fair.  I told him that Rich Carmona seemed to have a dislike for my son and for me but he said that many PDs have been burned by their clients for talking to their parents.   That's NOT the case because Keven signed something allowing me to discuss the case with Carmona...he just does NOT like us.

So, I typed this up and am going to fax it or email it tomorrow in hopes that it can make a difference.  I will also mail a copy to Keven but I doubt he'll get it in time so I will read it to him on the phone.

I am so pissed off and stressed out.  The attorney could make this happen (see the memo I wrote) but I don't know if Carmona will be willing or able to.


Here is what I wrote:

September 7, 2009


To: XXXX, Public Defender   
From: Barbara XXXX (mother of defendant), on behalf of Keven XXXX
cc: XXXX
cc: Judge XXXX       
Regarding: Keven David XXXX

    Case Numbers:       
       
    09SF0510        
    09SF0640    

I am writing on behalf of my son who is currently in custody.  He signed a document stating that he gave me permission to talk to the public defender and others involved in his case.

He goes to Court H4 on Thursday, 9/10/09 for sentencing and a Drug Court hearing.  Keven does not feel that he Drug Court would be beneficial to him because we have heard from many sources that its designed for a addicts who are typically older (he’s 18) and have no other options.  We feel that Keven would be more successful in a different type of program such as Prop 36 or Hope House.   

Questions:                                   

1.  Is Keven Legere eligible for Prop 36?  If so, that is what he would like to do.  He recognizes his drug problem and wants to recover from it.

2.  If Keven is not eligible for Prop 36, can you please tell me why? 

3.  If he is not eligible for Prop 36 what are his options besides Drug Court or 6 months jail time?

4.  Can Keven be court ordered to the Hope House program in lieu of Drug Court or jail time?

5.  Also, Keven’s license was revoked for one year which is going to make it nearly impossible for him to get to meetings and make appointments for either Prop 36 or Drug Court.  This is another good reason for him to be in Hope House.  OR, can his license be re-instated?  I am currently unemployed and able to drive him around but hopefully will have a job soon.  Public transportation here in XXXX is not very good so he can’t rely on it.

I am aware and agree that Keven needs to experience the consequences of his actions, but being so young  with a serious drug problem, I think jail time would not be as helpful to him as a recovery program.  Keven is a bright young man who has made some terrible decisions that have led to heroin addiction.  As his mother I see this as a turning point in his life.  The outcome of his sentencing can lead down a road of recovery or possibly down the road of life in and out of jail.  My son is not a criminal, he’s a drug addict.  Please try to send him down the road that will help him, not harm him further.  He’s already been offered drugs in jail and turned them down.  Its not a good environment for him but if faced with a choice between drug court and incarceration, he will choose the latter.  He sincerely wants and needs recovery program to allow him the opportunity to get his life back on the right track. 

Thank you,



Barbara XXXX

Outcome of Court Today

For those of you who like the bottom line and want to skip the details, skip to the red font below :)


Just got back from court. It was good to see him in the little cage, but he didn't look as good as he did last time, I think he's growing some weird type of beard or else he just hasn't shaved. We are not suppose to communicate with the inmates but I said "I love you" and "Hang in there" with my eyes. He said "I love you" and "This is not the way I thought it would go...." to me.

I had asked the PD what he thought the outcome would be and he said it was a very delicate situation since he's been before this court so many times in the last few months. When it was Keven's turn the PD and DA approached the bench and had a rather lengthy conversation with the judge (the longest one I have ever seen). I tried to read facial expressions and eavesdrop but it was hard to tell what was going on.

Bottom line: Keven remains in jail till next Thursday, at that time we will go before a different judge to be evaluated for drug court. If he is not accepted to drug court (i.e. for whatever reason the judge decides it would not be appropriate for him) then he gets 180 days in jail. No bargaining, that 's the MINIMUM.

No matter what happens he is now on formal probation for the next three years.

As we walked out of court I saw the PD and he said to me, "He's got a serious drug problem and a bad attitude and nothing is going to help his drug problem till his attitude changes". Yeah, see ya, have a nice day....

Sadly, the PD is right. He DOES have both of those things. He told me on the phone last night that he doesn't like the 12 Steps or AA cause he doesn't think its for him, he does not believe in their philosophy. I can tell you what he doesn't like: humility, powerlessness, admitting his life is unmanageable....basically every thing the program stands for. I pointed out that MILLIONS of people ALL OVER THE WORLD in ALL WALKS of LIFE have benefited from the Program, but my son is different (yeah right....according to him he is).

So I feel really numb right now. I don't want to think or feel. I am disappointed in my son. I feel bad for him cause I know he did not choose to be an addict. I feel scared because at this point if I had to wager a bet on his future - it would not look too good.

I am going to do some research on "Drug Court". I am fairly familiar with it and know one thing for sure: ITS A TOUGH PROGRAM and adults rarely make it through in one year, teens have a very low success rate in it. So there is a good chance the judge will deem that Keven may be better off in jail for a 6 month attitude adjustment rather than the intense Drug Court program.

One more week of peace for my household and he will either be back...or not. I love my son so much, I just want him to be BETTER whatever that takes.