One's Working the Steps and One's in PC in Prison

Earlier today I wrote about how when I go to pick up Kev for the weekend we drive home in silence.  Well today instead of hitting the CD player to hear Eminem (I like his new CD), Keven chatted with me almost all the way home.  Wow.   One thing he said was "I feel different, I can feel something happening inside me.  I don't know what it is but I've been working the steps, calling my sponsor every day and I think its something to do with that".

Never thought I'd hear those kind of words from Keven the anti-12 Stepper.

Also got a letter from the other one, Ant.  I don't know if I should say this because apparently its really serious if anyone you know from prison finds out you went into PC*, it gives you a really bad reputation.  He asked to go in to get away from all the dope.  I have a feeling there was more to it (owing money?).  Either way he is in there with all the homosexuals and his "best friend" is a transsexual female who is totally cool and beautiful.  I think if this former male is now a female (she had gender reassignment surgery) she does not belong in a male prison but out govt. says you go to the prison of the sex that you were born with.  So there's a hot chick in prison with all the guys.  No wonder she's in PC!  He also is enjoying all the gay guys telling him how cute he is, he says it nice to get complimented.  I don't know about Ant.  My hopes for him are not too high.  I feel an ache in my chest when I think of him...

"Kelly", Ants girlfriend is going to be 6 months clean when he gets out.  IF he brings her down to his level and gets her using again, I will be heartbroken.  I love this girl and have watched her get her life together, working full time, doing all the right things but wonder if she will throw it all away for "love" if he tries to talk her into getting high.

I didn't mean for this to be son long....


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

*protective custody

Its Saturday Again Already?

Happy Belated Thanksgiving to any of you who read this.  I've been catching up on blogs this morning and so far, mostly positive reports on what's going on with you and your families.  And as always, some very inspiring and encouraging posts.  I appreciate the blogs in this "community" and although wish we would have met for another reason - I am SO grateful we "met".

Keven was not allowed home for Thanksgiving because he did not put his pass in on time.  He really thought he could talk his way into it (typical addict thinking) so I was VERY relieved that they did not buy his "but I wasn't home last year and it would mean so much to my mom" line.  We have a small family to begin with and with Keven gone and my niece and great-nephew living in Germany it was super small this year, but that was fine with me (the turkey was extra good and there was more of it!)

Unfortunately I found out that he did use heroin last Saturday.  I knew he was high but I thought "surely he's high on something other than that ....."  Why did I think that?  I was wrong.  He confessed it to me and said he wants to tell his sponsor, his case manager and the guys at his house but he CAN'T.  He tested clean so they will never know, but he hates lying about his real clean date.

The reason  he can't tell is because of the court program.  He will get kicked out if he messes up one more time which means a felony and prison.  I happen to know that his attorney could probably keep that from happening if he messed up ONCE (she told me this) but he doesn't know that.

It bothers me that he can't be honest without losing his opportunity to stay in recovery but it is what it is, right?

He also told me how difficult it is for him to be around me, my sis and my mom.  He loves us and appreciates us but being around us after all he's put us through the last few years makes him so uncomfortable that he can't force himself to be friendly, he just wants to avoid us.  I am not sure what to think about that but its true...we will drive to and from his house to here every Saturday and not say more than a few sentences to each other the whole time.

So, he's coming home today.  I don't think he will use again but hey - I didn't think he'd use last week.




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Why Am I Surprised By This?

I think Keven got high yesterday while home on his day pass.  Not heroin high, but something.  I could see it in  his face although he denied it.  I am 99.9% sure that I am right.  This bothers me to the level that I don't even want to see him, talk to him or have him home on Thanksgiving.  I have to see him Tuesday to take  him to a Dr. Apt.

I can't believe he would be so stupid (actually I can believe it, I am just using this terminology to express myself).

I'm going to need your strength, hope and experience in the next few months because I have a feeling Keven is going to change his mind about not wanting to live here, but he doesn't have a choice.  Even his grandmother (who has always told him she would never make him leave) is in agreement that life is better when he's out of the house.  WAY better.

When I was new at all this I had so much more compassion for my son.  I still have some, but it wears thin after a few years when they've been given chance after chance and still choose to f-up their lives.

Thanks for reading this and caring about us.  I feel disconnected and alone these days.  One thing I don't like about not working (besides no income!) is that I feel very isolated being alone most of the time.  Too much time to think, not enough interaction with other people.  Blogging helps fill some of that void.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Distance is a Beautiful Thing

I love not having Keven live here.  Its so peaceful, so wonderful, so enjoyable.  I feel only a slight bit of guilt for saying that.

He's home on a pass today but is out with friends.  He says he does not want to come home and live when he is done with the 90 day treatment, I sure hope that's true because I am not going to let him.

Its raining here so I am enjoying a quiet afternoon and trying to catch up on some of your blogs.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Yep, There Are Plenty of Drugs in Prison

I haven't mentioned much about Anthony lately - partly because I haven't been writing here all that much and partly because I was disgusted with him and hurt and worried.

He had come up with several stories about why he NEEDED money and if he didn't get it he would be beat up.  I know for a fact that yes, you can get seriously beat up in prison for owing money because the guys that are in there for years or life don't care if they get in more trouble - but they do care if they don't get their money.

So yeah, I gave him some here and there.  The last time I told him if he ever asked again I would hang up on him.  Then...I didn't hear from him for weeks.  Until today.

I got a letter from Chino which was a big surprise since he's been at a different (more pleasant) prison for months.

His letter explains how he landed back at the place he hates.  He staged a fight knowing that the punishment would mean being sent back to Chino to finish out his sentence.  His reason - to get away from the drugs.  I am going to share a bit of what he said in  his letter...the question is, does he mean it? AND Is it even the truth?  If it is true and he does mean it, maybe, MAYBE, he has a chance.

"Momma, sorry I haven't called but I'm back in the hell hole.  I staged a fight so I could get kicked out of here back to Chino.  I couldn't be around all the dope.  I was having serious trouble trying to quit and was at the point that I rather be dead then use again.  The guilt and fear of paroling with a habit was eating away at me so I started a fight and didn't stop till I was pepper-sprayed, cuffed and caged like an animal for 13 hours. Then my happy ass was transfered back to Chino.  I'm disgusted with myself for what I've put my loved ones through.  I feel bad for the guy I fought, but to me I was not fighting him I was fighting my addiction."

He gets out in January so I hope that's enough time clean to give him a chance.  His girlfriend will have 6 months when he gets out.  If things turn out that he uses and she goes back down with him - I will disown them both.  I have to.  I love them too much to watch it.

I will never disown my real son...I have much more hope for him than I do Ant.  He is home on a pass today and had lunch with his ex-gf and now is hanging out with a safe friend a few houses down.  He seems very quiet and withdrawn today, but that's not unusual.  I know he's not using.  I just hope it stays that way.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Family Group

I'm seeing a difference in Keven with his stay at Cornerstone.  Just got back from the Family Group.  Its more like an open support group and Keven shared something that was very intense and powerful.  I don't feel comfortable sharing what it was, but it was related to me.  It was a moment I will never forget.

He also got his first sponsor and hopefully will work the steps with sincerity this time.

 Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Is This The New Suboxone?

Keven told me about this a few weeks ago, he said that the medical doctor at his rehab is already using it on some people and may use it on him. I don't like the idea of him using it unless he absolutely has to.  He found a way to abuse (and make money off) Suboxone but it sounds like it would be harder to get away with that with Vivitrol.

Opinions anyone?

FDA OKs Drug to Treat Opioid Addiction

Vivitrol Can Help Treat Addiction to Heroin and OxyContin

By Bill Hendrick
WebMD Health News

Reviewed by Laura J. Martin, MD

Oct. 14, 2010 -- The FDA has approved a drug already used to treat alcohol dependence to help treat patients with addiction to heroin,morphine, and other opioids, including prescription painkillers such asOxyContin and Vicodin.

Vivitrol, a long-acting formulation of naltrexone given by injection once a month, was approved by the FDA to treat alcohol dependence in 2006. The FDA has now approved Vivitrol to treat and prevent relapse after patients with opioid addiction have undergone detoxification.

Vivitrol is in the class of drugs known as opioid antagonists, which block the brain’s opioid receptors, leaving patients unable to get high if they attempt to use opioids.

The FDA approved the use of Vivitrol on the basis of data from a six-month study that compared Vivitrol to placebo treatment in patients who had completed detoxification and who were no longer physically dependent on opioids.

You can read the rest of the article here.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

P.S.  FLASHBACK MEMORY....It was 2008, I was visiting with my high school sweetheart who turned into a 30 year long heroin addict/drug counselor.  He was educating me on Subutex and Suboxone.  I had never heard of those things.  Ignorance truly was bliss....now I could write a book on heroin addiction.  Ugh.

Characteristics of an Addict....

Lisa at "Loving an Addict" wrote something on her blog today that really hit me:

My expectations are that my son will never be truly "concerned" with my well being. My expecations are that my son will make his decisions based on what is most interesting/best for him; without thinking about others, including but not being limited to me. My son will continue to run his life in a somewhat selfish mode, even if it doesn't include drugs.




I feel this same way. Occasionally Kev will say "how are you, Mom?" or ask what's new with me but I always feel like its an expected pre-requisite to please me.

Many of us have shared about the characteristics of an addict and noticed that our addicted loved ones seem to be cut of the same cloth! Being self-centered is one of those lovely attributes of my boy. He's very self focused and always puts his wants first.

Do you think this is one of those traits of an addict? Or do addicts develop this trait because of the way the drugs/alcohol affects their thinking? Or, is it just a coincidence that many of them seem to be this way?
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Residential Treatment Is Helping Him

I am back at this blog.  I never can "quit" a blog even when I feel like I am ready to.  I found myself writing about Keven on my other blog and that was something I did not want to do.

So for the faithful few that continually read our journey I have some pretty good news:

Kev has been in residential treatment for two weeks now.  He likes it.  I hear him saying things that I know he has learned from the program.  For example, he's realized that he keeps doing the same thing over and over (returning home after jail or rehab) and he listed all the reasons it was too easy for him to fall back into the drug lifestyle here.  Therefore he won't be coming home.  I am grateful that he sees this and even though I will miss him a little bit, I am glad he will be on his own learning what its like to be responsible for himself.

So - please pray he can GET A JOB!  He will be allowed to look for one in a few weeks and is allowed to work as part of the program he's in.

I am keeping up with all of you and some of the news is excellent, some not so great.  But we have to remember we are all at different places on this road and at any time - it can all change (for the better or the worse).  Sigh.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara