A Lost Youth? How Long Will It Take?

My entire family has only been together once in the last three years, last June.  Yesterday would have been another opportunity for a "family photo" but thankfully no one brought it up because it would not have been complete without Keven.  He's missed so many holidays, get-togethers, etc.  

Its hard for me to accept the fact that he may continue missing out for years to come.  I don't want him to miss out on these years of life, my 20's were fun, adventurous and relatively carefree.

When we were new to this evil disease, I, like most parents, thought it would only take a rehab or a jail visit or something of that nature to knock some sense into him. Once he had completed a good  rehab he'd figure it out and choose to move on with his life.  I wish.  It takes total commitment from him and a good solid recovery plan that is his top priority above all else.  It usually doesn't happen in the first few years, but I hope for him it does.

As Lou said on her blog today:

I'm convinced the road to recovery is long, winding, and paved with different recovery tools. There is a huge difference between "alcoholic" and "problem drinker". Between "substance abuse" and "heroin addict".
"If you are new to a family member's heroin addiction, do not be lulled by brief periods of sobriety (whether forced by jail /rehab, or voluntary). Heroin is a long haul. Heroin doesn't go away because of negative consequences. You don't just quit heroin. If an addict does not have a life long recovery plan--abstinence, the 12 steps, the 10 commandments, medication, or some combination of these-- heroin will be back."

Here is a link to her blog, please read it.  Even if you already know this (as most of us do) we have to keep educating ourselves so we can help others who are new to this.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

So Much for Being Grateful....

Today I am angry, disappointed, hurt, worried and ANGRY.

I've come to find out that Keven is not taking his recovery as seriously as he should if he truly wants to get better.  He's not using but he's walking a fine line.  I can't help but wonder how much this has to do with him being so close to his buddy Jon who is the person who got him started on this in the first place.  I'm not saying Keven is incapable of making bad choices on his own - he's a pro at that.  But when two addicts are together you know how much easier it is to fall.  I was told that although the two rehabs share a building the residents don't interact much, but my source tells me they do.

I am really upset.

But....I am going out tonight to hear music for the first time in a long time.  I rather crawl in bed and watch mindless TV till I pass out but this is the only life I have, so I better start living it rather than allowing his disease to make me sick too.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tangled, Flowing Emotions and What Its Been Like For Me So Far

I got caught up on all the addiction/recovery related blogs that I read.  Wow.

So much pain, so many questions, joy, sadness, hope, defeat, fear, uncertainty, confusion...the list could go on and on.

The common thread among the parents of addicts that I know, is that we all love our children and want to do what we personally believe is best.  In some cases a parent has had to completely distance themselves from the "child" (all of these children are adults).  In some cases a parent's involvement has brought about a year anniversary of sobriety to celebrate.  Most of us are somewhere in between on the roller coaster of wondering what will happen next on this crazy ride.

For me, I am in a good place right now.  Keven is in jail waiting to see what his future holds.  I have absolutely no control over that situation so I am not fretting over it.  Whatever the outcome is, I will deal with it day by day.  A year ago if we were in this exact place, I would be a wreck worrying about all the implications, trying to figure out a way to persuade the judge to do what I thought was best (hey, I think I did do that a year ago!)

But now, there's much more peace in it.  Its sort of a cross between resignation and surrender, but I will call it "peace" cause that sounds more positive.

I've learned SO MUCH.  I've learned that there is no "one size fits all" way to deal with our addicted child.  I think there's a balance that has to be found for each individual parent/child.  This is what it looks like for me:

Year One:  I was in denial for the first three months, if I ignored it it would go away, right?  Then I got a devastating wake-up call and had to face the truth.  Following that were many desperate attempts to help him, even though he did not want help at that time.  It was a year of complete and utter devastation.  I was a wreck.  Pain, frustration, confusion, guilt, guilt, guilt, fear, anger.  Every negative emotion known to mankind was churning inside me that year.

Year Two:  I took all that I had learned in year one and started to sort it out.  I became stable enough myself to see that I was doing more harm than good for Keven.  I sought out answers but still lived in fear of doing it wrong.  I finally realized that there was no right or wrong, just what was right or wrong for him and me.  I trusted my maternal instincts.  I relied on the intense amount of knowledge I had gained through listening to others, reading, research, talking to addicts and observing things in meetings/groups.  I felt like I had become an expert on heroin and on opiate addiction.  Not the kind of thing that comes in  handy for most, but indispensable information for someone who loves an opiate addict.

Year Three and beyond:  I've accepted things as they are at the moment.  I do all I can to support my son with love and compassion.  I am constantly aware of my motives and base many decisions on two questions, 1) am I doing something for him that he can do for himself? and 2) is this going to help or hinder his recovery?  Nothing is black and white.  Every decision, conversation, etc. has to be taken in the present moment based on what is best for each circumstance.  I no longer care if someone disagrees with my way of doing things.  I respect others for doing it their way even though it may not be the way for me.  I am aware that my son may never fully recover and that I may lose him, but I will never, ever give up hope for the opposite.  I understand that there are two parts to Keven.  And although I don't love the behavior of the addict, I love both parts of him because they have melded into who he is as a whole, if I like it or not.   

Through it all I have learned that tragedy does indeed bring people closer.  I have met some people that I have a strong bond with, unlike any bond I've experienced before.  I have learned that the Recovery Community of AA is awesome and that the people in those rooms are some of the most healthy people I know in spite of their disease.  AA is not just a plan to get well, its a plan to live with integrity, openness and compassion.

One last thing to any parents who are New To This.  When your child is in their first rehab and you are sitting in a family group meeting and realize that the majority of the addicts are there for the second, third or more time - don't despair.  That's normal.  Its not a one time deal, its a process.  One step forward two steps back is typical.  Also - above all else:  its NOT your fault.  It is never the family's fault and run from anyone who dares to think that or has the audacity to say it to your face.  They are ignorant and dangerous.

As many have said:  as long as they are breathing, there is hope.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Blogging Has Changed for Me

This morning I'm trying to catch up on blogs.  Its amazing to me that I used to keep up with over 100 blogs.  Now I read only the addiction related blogs plus a few that are very special to me for one reason or another (Erin, Bob, Joey, Linda, Iris, Shawna, Seano and Nikole).  Occasionally I get to read some of my other favorites (Max, Joe, Amber, Lilo, Dana, Deb) and a few music blogs, but I don't even comment most of the time.

I just don't have the emotional energy I used to.  Sad, but true.  I'm not the person I was once and that person is gone forever.  At least a part of her is.  As I said in a comment to "There is No Hero in Heroin":

I try to fool myself sometimes thinking there is an end in site…I’ve witnessed a few success stories and know that its possible. But like my son always reminds me – he meets lots of “old addicts” in jail and rehab and at meetings, but there are few old heroin addicts. My boy is in jail right now too. I am enjoying the peace and wondering what will happen next. I sat across from him yesterday, he looked so healthy, clean, handsome and hopeful. My boy. My only child. He’s never made it longer than three months in the last three years (I thought he made it nine months once but found out that was a lie). Part of me died when all this began. It was the part that held hope, experienced pure joy, and felt real peace at times. It will never come back and I’ve accepted that. I will settle for occasional hope filtered through reality, joyful moments and peace when I know for a fact he’s safe and clean (which as you know is rare).

Also, I've noticed that a lot of people that used to blog have quit. I think blogging has become less popular since the immense rise in FB users. Those of us who still blog seem to do so for one of two (or both of these) reasons:

- writing is in our soul
- we are passionate about something, so we write about it

I guess I fall into both categories.

What is my point? I don't know, this is just what came out when I sat down in front of the keyboard. I suppose my point is that addiction infiltrated my life and everything has been affected, my health, my peace of mind, my relationships, my finances, my social life and even my writing.

Two AA Slogans for today:

"We aren't bad people trying to get good.
We're sick people trying to get well."

"The disease is progressive.
So is recovery. "

I need to remember that Keven has a disease, a disease without a cure. He can control his disease but it will never go away completely. Accepting that is the hardest part of all this. Even after all the knowledge I've gained on this topic - I still want to BELIEVE that some day he will just be "all better". But like cancer, it can come back at any time. Recovery is a PROCESS not a one time (or two, tree, ten....) time incident. 

 Progress - not perfection. Right.  I'll take what I can get and keep hoping for the best.  Deep sigh.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

2nd Interview Yesterday

I had a second job interview at the law firm.  The job is low pay but I've come to the conclusion that most jobs these days are because employers can get away with it (at least here in CA).  I sensed that one of the attorney's wants to hire me - she made it obvious she liked me a lot.  But she doesn't make the final decision.  There were several others called in for a second interview as well.  So, I will wait and see.

Keven:  He's doing good.  Had a slightly bad day in court, but it turned out okay (nothing to do with drugs - he got a traffic violation).  I hope he's feeling as good as he looks.  The spark is back in his eye and he's been smiling.

Anthony:  Out of jail, on parole AND probation (didn't know you could be on both at once).  As far as I know he's staying out of trouble but I am keeping him at arm's length.

"Kelly" (I've accidentally used her real name here several times, hopefully that's not confusing.  She is Ant's ex-girlfriend).  She is the one I am currently worried about.  We are very close, she was friends with Keven long before she was Ant's gf.  Typically we talk every day or two.  I have not spoke with her since SATURDAY and she's only returned one of my texts to say "I will call you later, I'm okay" but she never called.  She's got to be out there using.

Once again my anger at Anthony is almost overwhelming.  Yes, it was their choice (kev and kel) to use again but if he was not back they would not have had it shoved in their faces and both of them would be doing so much better, especially Kel who had to deal with him breaking up with her on top of him getting to use again after 8 frigging months.  GRRRRRR!!!!

IF YOU ARE IN RECOVERY STAY AWAY FROM ANYONE AND EVERYONE THAT USES OR THAT YOU EVER USED WITH....NO EXCEPTIONS!


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Stevie Ray Vaughan, More than "one of the greatest guitar players ever to live"

Today marks the 20th anniversary of his death. I wrote about it on my music blog, but its just as appropriate to mention Stevie Ray here at Recovery Happens.

Stevie Ray grew up in an alcoholic home. His father was a heavy drinker and a "mean drunk". Stevie started drinking at an early age. Of course, his passion was music and the guitar. He worked hard as a musician for years until finally in 1983 he recorded "Texas Flood" and became known as the "greatest electric blues guitarist".

But...the drinking and the drugs eventually got so bad that he knew he couldn't continue on with his music career. He put it all away and went into recovery, immersing himself in AA. He OVERCAME the odds. HE RECOVERED.

Stevie Ray took the 12 Steps literally and they were a way of life for him. He shared his story often and if you want, you can go to youtube and listen to talk he gave at a meeting (its in three parts).

So, I want to take a step back today and acknowledge the man I LOVED for his music and learned to appreciate later for his dedication to sharing the message of recovery with other addicts.


BTW - I met him once and to this day of all the famous people I've met, that was the only one that felt like an honor!


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I've listened to this speech many times, and it never gets old. Nikki has maintained his recovery for many years (9 so far).

Nikki is awesome. If I had not read his book, "The Heroin Diaries" (which I read only because I love Nik) I would have been so much less prepared for what would happen with my own son. I had no idea as I read of the evils of heroin that Keven would one day pick up a needle.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

A Tale of Two Boys - What Makes the Difference?

I was just thinking that at this moment in time I am experiencing both sides of the addiction coin:  

Keven has 7 months sobriety.  We're both hopeful.  I'm cautiously optimistic.  I still have twinges of fear and moments of concern, but most of the time I feel calm and grateful.


Anthony has ? days sobriety.  It looks hopeless.  I feel discouraged.  This has been going on since he was 14 (8 years).  In and out of juvie/jail/prison, on and off drugs, well actually the only off time has been when he was incarcerated. 


My gut instincts tell me that Keven is going to succeed (I felt that about Bryan, Lisa's son too, as I read her post last night).  I feel so arrogant making that statement, but that's my inner self talking.  My brain of course is logical and knows not only is it arrogant to think that way, its stupid.  No one knows.  There is no guarantee.  Even after years of being clean a heroin addict can choose to use again.


And it can't be about hitting bottom because so many bottoms have been hit for so many of our loved ones. 


With Anthony, losing his mom to drugs didn't stop him.  Shooting up his best friend and watching him die from an OD didn't stop him.  Being kept alive by life support after his own OD, didn't stop him.  Living in the streets, stealing to survive, losing everything - none of that was "hitting bottom"?   Death is the next "bottom" and when you hit that one, its obviously too late.

These things don't matter to a heroin addict.  But how come some can stop and some can't?  What's the difference?  Determination?  Desire?  Commitment?  Having something to live for?  Hope? Fear? Help in the form of methadone/Suboxone?  "Hitting Bottom" obviously is not the determining factor. 

Some would say the difference is working a program - but that goes back to the question, why do some choose to work a program and stick with it and some don't?  Anthony went to NA meetings in jail 6 days a week.  The letters he wrote me were about working the program.  He sounded so positive and determined, but three days out and - he was using.  

Keven's program is court ordered, not by choice.  He has to go to 4 self-help meetings a week and he goes to two "Dual Diagnosis" meetings and to be honest I'm not sure if he's going to the other meetings or not, I don't ask, that's not my job his PO asks him about it.


I'm just thinking out loud.  I am frustrated.  I want there to be a formula:  "do this and you will have the desired result".  

But no, its so messy, so complicated, so heartbreaking.  We can't really understand it unless we were an addict ourselves.   Very few things in life are simple and heroin addiction seems to be close to the top of the chart of complex issues.

I feel numb today.  Not good or bad, just here.  I'm thinking of the people that read here.  Those that love addicts, are addicts and those that are probably thankful they can't relate to any of this.  You all give me support and courage.  Thank you.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Climbing Toward "Normal"

As I observe my son getting back into life outside of jail and rehab, I see him trying to find his bearings.  I think he's nervous but in a good way.  He's been very open with me, telling me what's going on in his mind, things he's discovering that are triggers, how important it is for him to keep busy.


I never thought much about this before, but the last couple of years has been very demoralizing for him, as a direct result of his own choices. 


No one trusted him, his friends started avoiding him, he lied, he stole, he was dirty and scary and unpleasant.  He was incarcerated three times.  He spent a total of four months in jail.  He had to register as a drug offender, give up his DNA, walk around in shackles and handcuffs.  He lost his freedom, his license and his self respect.


Now he's home.  He's wearing his own clothes.  He has freedom to do pretty much as he pleases within probation guidelines.  He can eat what he wants, sleep in a comfy bed in a quiet room, make calls, go online, hang with friends. 


Yet, it will take time for him to feel "normal" again.  Having a job will help.  Working out daily is also good.  Helping around the house.  Re-earning trust and respect.  Its not easy, but I think he's determined.  I see it in his eyes.


I've never been in his shoes so I don't know how it feels, but looking at him now I have a glimpse of how awful it must have felt while he was still using, living for the next fix, not caring about anyone but himself.  In the rare moments of not being high he must have felt very low, very ugly.  I wonder how long would it have taken for him to chose to start the climbing the path back to "normal"?


They say you have to be ready for recovery, but he was actually forced into it and has responded really well (so far).  I'm not sure the point of this post, just sharing today's thougths.




Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

My Ships Crossed in the Night!

Check out this timing!!!

Keven comes home tomorrow, Anthony got in today!





Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Final Prep for His Arrival Home:

1.   Get rid of beer in the house (used it for a hair rinse, makes hair shiny)
2.   Get rid of other alcohol (hide the cooking Brandy, drink the Baileys)
3.   Lock up Daisy's syringes in box and hide key (Daisy is one of our dog's)
4.   Make small welcome home sign for his bedroom door
5.   Continue loving support
6.   Apply knowledge, intuition and boundaries
7.   Acknowledge fear and worry - then drop like a hot potato
8.   Accept words of wisdom and support
9.   Remember difference between "helping, fixing and serving"
10. Never give up hope and believing in him



Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Proud and Grateful

The "send off" for Keven tonight was very special.  I felt like the message that was chosen for the entire family group was especially for us, it was about the difference between HELPING and SERVING.   I'll share about that later, it was really good.

I have to admit, I felt very proud of my son tonight.   Hearing what his peers and the staff had to say about him touched my heart because it reinforced to me what I've seen with my own eyes:  He's grown a lot in this program, he's learned powerful tools to help him, he's found support and friendship, he's gained confidence, he's faced reality.

They opened up the group for questions and he was very honest.  He said he didn't know for sure if he'd use again or not but that he was working hard to maintain his sobriety (6 months) and was determined not to use, but the urge was still there.  He said the urge to use has lessened a lot since he first go there.  He said he only had two of his old friends that didn't party, friends from second grade that live on our street (they were the three musketeers growing up).

The most important aspects of this entire program for him has been a) the therapeutic community environment b) the counseling he got there and c) the dual diagnosis support group.  Understanding his underlying mental health issues has been a huge part of his recovery.  The guys he's bonded with most are also in that group and he will continue going to it every Wed. night.

One of the staff asked  permission to talk about his panic disorder and she told the group that in all her years in counseling she had never seen anyone with panic attacks as severe as Keven's.  (She was the one that called me to come take him to the hospital one night when he was off the charts and had passed out from an attack). 

I am proud of Keven for recognizing that his meds were all jacked up and that he could not stand it...he was literally ready to either run away (or worse) but he didn't want to - so he had himself committed to the mental health ward at the hospital for three days.  That was the BEST thing for him because they took him off ALL his meds and finally got him on the correct combination. 

Its like everything is falling into place.  There's a couple of guys that live in our area, around his age that left Phoenix House last week, he will stay in touch with them (one of them cracks me up and he's a musician, I really like that kid and hope they stay friends).

I feel so hopeful.  So many people said things about his character, his kindness, great talks they'd had, his sense of humor.  He SMILED a million times tonight.  When he smiles, I swear my heart smiles inside me.  He really is a special person.  I've always known that, but don't all mothers think that about their kids :)

I'm ready for him to come home, but part of me will miss going to Phoenix House and seeing the other residents and staff I've gotten to know and care about.  



Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Final Family Group Tonight!

For the last three months I've spent every Thursday night at Phoenix House for Family Group/Visiting.  Tonight will be our last time there!  Keven comes home in FIVE DAYS.


Last week when it was someone's final night the resident and his mother had to sit in front of the whole group and answer questions.  Then they had whoever wanted to line up and tell the person what they liked about them and what they were going to miss.


Phoenix House has been an incredible experience for Kev.  I am cautiously optimistic about his recovery.  Actually that's not true:  I am hopefully optimistic.  I think the biggest strike against his recovery will be boredom and not being able to find a job.


Both those topics were covered by other bloggers today so be sure to check these out:


Addict in Our Son's Bedroom


and


Awakening in Love




Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Who Is He?

I was talking to my ex-boyfriend on the phone earlier and he asked how K was.  He made a remark about how poorly K had treated me in the past, the mean and hurtful things he had said to me at times.  I was taken aback for a moment because I have not thought about that at all recently.  

K has been polite, considerate, slightly affectionate, agreeable.  I blame it on the drugs!  (the medications he's on not the illegal kind).  But seriously, he is not the same young man who was so angry and prone to outbursts of rage.

Who is this young man?  What is my son really like?  

I'd say the last two years have been so drug-infused that its impossible to separate who he really is from who the drugs created him to be.  During the time he should have been maturing and developing into an adult, he was numbing himself and running from reality.

The last six months have been drug free.  90 days in jail.  90 days in rehab, the last 45 days seeing a GOOD doctor that is monitoring his medications closely and actually spends time talking to him instead of pushing pills at him like the last one.  

I don't know if K knows himself right now.  I think he's gained confidence, has some hope, has learned tools for recovery and has a calmness he's never had before.  I guess I'll have to patiently wait and see who emerges as time goes on.  I know the meds are keeping his true self to emerge,  but, without them, he would not even have the opportunity to get this far.  I believe he would not have been around much longer living in his previous state of mind and living that lifestyle.

No matter what, I could not possibly love him any more, or any less, than I always have and always will.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara


(Painting by Jim Dandy)

He's Out Buying Fish for His Tank

K had a pass today and chose to spend the day at home.  Its good that he can do this it  prepares us all for the transition.

For example,  he's got a few friends over (two girls, two guys) and I can hear them in his room laughing, talking.  Its weird.  In a good way.  He's looking through his plugs  because he wants to put them back in.   I don't like the look of them but that's the least of my concerns.

He seems happy today.  He's smiled a lot.  We got to hear his friends compliment his "new room".   One of them is playing "Come As You Are" by Nirvana on Ant's guitar.  Feels a lot like old times except I am not wondering if there's drugs in there....I know there's not.

We had a very positive conversation, initiated by him,  about his future, about staying clean, about how he thinks the best place to make new friends would be the local community college.  Sounds good to me.

One day at a time.  He can do this.  He wants it.  He's doing it.  I am going to have faith and be positive and hopeful, all the while knowing that he could at any time, slip backwards.

I have a lot of compassion for addicts that feel like they've failed because they "blew it".  I know that feeling too from making many poor choices in my life.  But we're all given a new start every time we decided not repeat the mistake.  Unfortunately when this involves drugs, that one time you "slip" could be your last chance.

Note to "you know who you are", PLEASE be good to yourself.

Come As You Are - Nirvana

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Meet and Greet at "junkjunk!" Support Network

Time: January 21, 2010 from 9pm to 10pm
Location: EST in the chat room at junkjunk!
Event Type: meet, and, greet
Organized By: tom@recoveryhelpdesk.com

"junkjunk! is an online social support network for people who are living with and seeking to overcome opiate dependence --and their families and friends.

Opiates include heroin and pain pills like oxycontin, vicodin and percocet.

Recovery is a process. It takes place over time. It includes periods of use and non-use. It effects family and friends too.

And it sure helps to get some support and give some support along the way."

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

He's Out and He's In !!! :)

After 89 days in jail, K is now at P. H.  He was happy to see us and I got about four warm hugs!  It felt SO GOOD.

He seemed upbeat and glad to be there.


Its a very positive environment and I will see him again TONIGHT for the family group meeting.  I am cautiously optimistic!!!!

Thanks for all of your encouragement and comments, I appreciate each and every one!

Song of the day:

Beautiful Day - U2

I am not stressed out, worried or uptight

Using the power of positive thinking and not allowing my mind to accept anything negative.  I refuse to be a wreck - even though I feel on the verge of a breakdown.  Tomorrow is it...the day we have been waiting for and praying for.  Why am I so uptight?  Well, lots of reasons but to summarize:

I want this to be it.  I want him to succeed.  I want him to do well.

I know we all want that.  I also know the risks, etc.  I just can't let myself worry.

~~~~~

We dropped off a small duffel bag of his stuff up there this afternoon (my sis went with me).  We had to sit and wait in the hallway because they had an "incident" while we were there, a woman was handcuffed and escorted our by two females officers (I think one was probation the other was some sort of cop but not in a uniform).  It was a bit disturbing, just because it was a reminder of what can happen.

There is a very small chance that something will go wrong tomorrow and he won't be allowed in.  It has to do with his meds, long story short:  if they changed is RX in any way while he was in there and it does not match what I dropped off today, he will be turned away.  CRAP!  I wish someone would have told me that before so I could make sure.  Oh well.  Its in the hands of God, not mine.

I forgot to ask them about the 30 day lockdown period.  I wanted to know when we can start going to family group night.  I think we have to wait two weeks, maybe four, maybe none?  I will call tomorrow.

Some weird stuff going on in my personal life.  I won't even go there.  Just please pray for me.  I've been pretty strong up till now but this is a whole new chapter and a very serious one.

WE HAVE A DATE!

I just talked to P. H. they are placing K on November 19th!!  Its still over a week away and he's getting very anxious/upset again, so hopefully it will help him to have a firm date.  It means he won't be able to come home for his birthday, but maybe for Christmas :)

Intervention on A&E

Do any of you watch this show?  Its kind of depressing but I watch it every week.  It seems like most people that go into treatment eventually relapse.  The odds just don't look good.  But I refuse to give up hope and I will believe the best until proven otherwise.  So far K's already relapsed three times, his longest time clean was only 30 days.   But this time...maybe its going to be forever.

THANK YOU FOR THE COMMENTS!  There are some great comments to this post.  Bottom line:  Addiction is a family disease and if the whole family does not get help (Recovery) the addicts chances of getting and remaining clean are slim.