I was just reminiscing about last year at this time and wanted to share this for anyone feeling absolutely scared to death, confused, and possibly hopeless.
That's where I was last year at this time. Looking back over some old blog posts I can recall feeling so lost, so confused, and not knowing what was going on with my son.
He was experiencing some pretty heavy delusions/hallucinations. At the time I never described it because it seemed so personal, and so awful. But since those are a thing of the past (I'll tell you why in a minute) I'll give you some examples of what it was like for us back then....
- he often saw a dead man hanging in his closet
- while driving, sometimes when he looked in the rear view mirror he saw someone in the backseat that was not there
- he saw and FELT people walking by him that no one else could see but he swore were real
- he felt that there was someone following him that wanted to kill him
Wow, no wonder I was a total wreck, and just imagine how horrible he felt. Just for the record - he was not actively using at that time but may have been using in between drug testing which he means once a week he could get away with it since he was tested twice a week.
I had him seeing what I felt at the time was an excellent psychiatrist who also counceled Keven. He spent a long time talking to him (at no extra charge) each week. His diagnosis was extreme, he started out saying he was bo-polar and then switched that to schizo-affective disorder (similar to schizophrenia).
Luckily I had just completed NAMI's 12 week course for families of the mentally ill. It was an intense course and I learned a lot. I didn't accept either of these diagnosis because it didn't add up for me. About that same time his psychiatrist retired and we were recommended to someone new.
I shared with his new doctor that I thought Keven was on all the wrong meds (I can't remember all of them, but one was Lithium). He slowly took him off to get an idea of who the "real Keven" was. After some trial and error he finally found the right combination of drugs and diagnosed him with what I knew was wrong all along: panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and depression. It was the wrong meds that were making him have delusions in the first place because he was not bi-polar or schizo-affective).
And guess what people with those disorders (or a combination of them) often do to feel better? Right - they get high!
So the point of this post is two things:
1) ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR OWN GUT INSTICTS ABOUT YOUR LOVED ONES! You may not be en expert in mental illness, but you are an expert on your family.
2) Many, many addicts are considered "dually diagnosed" meaning they have an underlying mental illness that contributes to their choice to use drugs in the first place. One of the qualifications to be eligible for the court program that Keven is part of is to be dually diagnosed. His judge believes that if both issues are treated, the addiction and the mental illness (which could be anything from depression - schizophrenia), the addict has a better chance of recovery. Court monitors both. Keven's PO used to come over when he lived here and literally pour out all his meds to count and make sure he was taking them every day.
3) Being on the right meds does not guarantee that the addict will stop using, but it sure makes it easier than if they are on the wrong meds or no meds when they need some. (the ones he's on now are all very common meds with little or no side effects).
4) No matter where you are today - things change. I hope and pray that things change for the better for all of us.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
