Please Remind Me to Keep My Feet on the Ground

I got to spend about a half hour with him today, and it was wonderful.  The other day I was worried because he wanted to walk somewhere rather than get a ride...I think I was over-reacting.  He SEEMS so good, so happy, so positive, so grateful.

I picked him up at probation and drove him back to his Rehab.  He has first all day pass this weekend.  All Day Freedom????  I tell myself he will be fine, and I really think he will.  But the nagging in the back of mind, those constant fears that never completely go away.  Five months is good - but he's had nine before and....well you know.

So, I have to keep reminding myself that even though I see all these positive changes, I've seen them plenty of times over the last few years.  I can't let my guard down.  I can't be too excited.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

How To Prevent Your Child From Using Drugs

Lofty title, isn't it?  Don't you wish there was an answer, a one-size-fits all, sure-fire way to make sure our children never experiment with dangerous drugs and open the door to addiction?

I've been thinking about this a lot and recently.  First we have to remember what does not work for the majority of kids:

• The drug awareness programs introduced in elementary school
• Parents talking to their children about the dangers of drug abuse
• Parents being involved in their children's lives, knowing their friends, keeping a close eye on them

For some, these things may be enough, but in previous posts when I brought this topic up there was an overwhelming response that the above methods don't work.  Some parents said the drug awareness programs actually had the opposite affect on their child (all boys) because it ignited a fascination with drugs (my boy included!)

Other parents wonder where they went wrong because they warned their children, they spent time with them, they knew and liked their friends....they did everything right.  If that was all it took, how many children would end up addicts?  A very small percent.

Here is my latest idea on what MAY have helped my son and prevented him from becoming addicted to heroin without me even knowing.  Its too late for Keven, but I think this is a really good start for other families with younger children:

DRUG TEST YOUR KIDS FROM AN EARLY AGE

How early is up to the individual family, I would have started when he was 13 if I had known then what I know now.

I've come a few of arguments against this:

1. "I don't want my child to think I don't trust him"
2. "Its too expensive"
3. "Its an invasion of his privacy"
4. "It seems unnecessary because my child is a good student a good person and would never be dumb enough to try drugs in the first place...."

If I had to do it all again I would sit down with Keven at age 13 and explain to him that he was entering a time of life when other kids his age experimented with drugs.  I'd explain that even if they think its "fun" it could lead to addiction, then I would explain how addiction destroys lives, and may end in death.  I'd tell him that I am going to do my part as a parent and randomly test him even if I did not suspect a thing just to ensure he was safe.

Of course he would have a fit and say "no way" but at age 13 I still had the upper hand and would insist on it.  At age 13 he didn't know how to fake a drug test and pass it.  At age 13 he truly was innocent and had nothing to hide so it may have not felt like that big of a deal to him.

1)  If he said "don't you trust me?"  I'd say "this has nothing to do with trust, it has to do with safety and your well being."

2)  If I thought it was too expensive, I would find something to cut back on so I could afford it - but really, what's $20 - $40 per drug test compared to over $25,000 in rehabs, hospital bills, legal fees, etc. etc. etc.  

3)  If he argued that it was invading his privacy I would remind him that he does not have the right to that kind of privacy until he is an adult paying his own way in life.

4)  I never thought my son was someone that would not try drugs.  I actually thought he might based on his personality.  I can understand how some parents would find it hard to believe that their child would choose this path - but look at the sidebar of my blog with the list of parent's who raised their children right, with love, with sacrifice, with discipline and moral teaching and...all the "right things".  There simply are no guarantees it won't happen to your child.

 I've been told over and over by doctors and my son's legal team (attorney, probation officer, judge) that the typical test you buy off the shelf  usually not effective enough.  It may be old, or hard to read or whatever.  So, I'm not suggesting this one out of personal experience, but I have read a lot about it and its the best one I've seen so far:  Teensaver's Home Drug Kit.  I like the name of it too.

 It even looks easy to use and tests ALL the drugs not just a few.  These days with so many things out there, that's important.

Ok, so what do you all think?  Would you drug test your child?  Have you?  I have plenty of times after he became addicted and it didn't make a difference!  I think maybe it would have stopped him if he knew he would have serious consequences if he had a dirty test....I'll never know.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

No More Amazon Associates for Me

I really appreciate those of you who have kindly made  your Amazon purchases through my blog.  I just received an email saying that the program will be discontinued soon for California residents due to some tax bill our Governor is signing.

So....if you have a purchase coming up between now and Sept. you can still go through here but after that...no more extra income for me.  No big deal, but its the principal behind it that bothers me.  Here is an excerpt of the email from them:

"For well over a decade, the Amazon Associates Program has worked with thousands of California residents. Unfortunately, a potential new law that may be signed by Governor Brown compels us to terminate this program for California-based participants. It specifically imposes the collection of taxes from consumers on sales by online retailers - including but not limited to those referred by California-based marketing affiliates like you - even if those retailers have no physical presence in the state.

We oppose this bill because it is unconstitutional and counterproductive. It is supported by big-box retailers, most of which are based outside California, that seek to harm the affiliate advertising programs of their competitors. Similar legislation in other states has led to job and income losses, and little, if any, new tax revenue. We deeply regret that we must take this action." 

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thanks a Lot, Emma Stone

I don't know who the heck she is, but I officially don't want to see any movies she's in because of this front page article in Vanity Fair that states what her bad habits are:

Sugar,

Wine

and

Heroin

Quote:
"That's pretty much it, the heroin, the sugar and the wine -- nothing too crazy," the actress clearly joked when asked about her bad habits."

WHAT IS SHE THINKING?

If she wants to use it, fine.  Its irresponsible for anyone to minimize the dangers of heroin - comparing it to sugar and wine?  I feel ill.

All we need is for some pretty young actress to glamorize what's killing our children.  More young people will think its ok, after all SHE does it, she's rich and famous - it didn't mess up her life.

I wish I could meet her face to face to tell her what I think.

Sigh.  People just don't get it.

If she thinks heroin is "chic" or "fun" she should talk to Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Sid Viscous, Hillel Slovac, Andy Wood, Bradley Nowell, Jonathan Melvoin, Layne Staley, Dee Dee Ramone, Robbin Crosby...I can go on but you get the idea.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

New Guest Post at Pat Moore Foundation

I have a new post up Pat Moore's site:  "The Five Steps of Parenting an Addict".  If you read it, please leave a comment on their site.  Its about how the stages of parenting an Addict are similar to the classic Five Steps Of Grief:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining (I changed it to "Fixing")
Depression
Acceptance

Thanks everyone.  I've been reading your blogs and sometimes just want to sit and cry because there's so much pain associated with this "journey".  It professional terms:  it sucks, a lot.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thank You, David Whiting!

Photo:  
PAUL BERSEBACH, THE ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER


I was ecstatic to open (online) my local newspaper and find a front page article on how opiates are killing the youth of  South Orange County.  FINALLY someone in the media is taking notice and spreading the word.

Of course we all know this is happening across the entire USA, but where I come from, a very clean, safe, upper middle-class (mostly) area, its one of those things "nice families" think their children are immune to.  Its so important for parents to understand what is going on and that heroin is not like other drugs.

I know the photo will be upsetting for many of you to see.  I still cringe when I see a roll of foil and a laundry list of other household items that are now associated with heroin.

I've mentioned before that I've wanted to write a book, and so has Keven.  I took a class on self-publishing yesterday and think I am going to go for it.  I want to share what I've learned.  I don't have all the answers but I sure know a lot more now than I did in 2008 when this nightmare started.  Its become a passion of mine to help other parents.  Do you think anyone would actually buy the book?????  I'm open to any and all input from the other "experts" who read here.

Thanks.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Suspicious Mind

Will there ever be a day when I can see my son and NOT be suspicious?

I feel comfortable trusting him when he's in Rehab and going to Probation twice a week.  That equals at least four drug tests a week.  But I dot that uncomfortable feeling today.

As I mentioned in my last post, he went bowling today.  I thought after bowling he would be driven back up to United...but he and the other guy that came with him both live here in MV and so they got permission to visit their families while they were all the way up here for bowling.

Well, Keven's family was NOT HOME.  I came home from my class at about 2 pm, said hello to the dogs, sat down to eat my salad and then our of nowhere I hear "Hi, Mom" and Keven appears.

I SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS AND MY HEART WAS POUNDING.  It never in a million years occurred that he would come over while no one was home and crawl through a window.  And he was not alone, he had the "new girl" with him.  Her name is "J".

They both sat and talked to me for a few minutes then they went outside to smoke.  I had no suspicious at all.  UNTIL.....it was time for them to leave and they said goodbye.  I was waiting for him to ask me for a ride since its kind of hot out today and because he ALWAYS asks for a ride, always.

When I asked if they wanted a ride he said "No, we've got it handled" and left.  But I saw this look in his eye that made me feel suspicious.  Maybe it was a look of guilt (I can imagine what they were doing here alone for hours....).  He knows I am leery of this girl.  She seems nice and apparently doesn't use drugs but she's a girl!  I know how girls are especially with him.  She's the one that initiated contact with him when he was in jail!

So....he can't be up so something drug-related, right?  That would be so stupid.

Also, because I didn't expect him over here, there was a bottle of Vicodin on my bathroom counter and a wallet with my life savings in it near my bed.  Nothing was touched.  Why can't I follow the advice I give others:  Don't worry till you have something to worry about.




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Court Ordered Bowling

Keven will be bowling tomorrow between 10am - 12 pm at the lanes near our house.  His Probation Officer is the one who put it together for all her "people" to bowl with her.  Keven hasn't reached his 60 days at "United" yet so she called and told them it was court ordered.  I think that's funny and very cool.

He seems to continue to do really well there.  Next step (in August) is a Sober Living house.

As for me....I've had a mixed week.  Some highs (meeting my friend Erin in person) and lows (extra pain).

Trying to keep things in perspective.  Hope each of you have a great weekend!!!


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Gone, But Not Forgotten: Our Latest Loss in the Music World

I have several blogs, two about music/musicians. Its always bittersweet to write on my tribute blog, but for those interested here is what I shared about the recent loss of "The Big Man", Clarence Clemons.

Gone, But Not Forgotten: Our Latest Loss in the Music World: "Clarence Clemons 1/11/46 - 6/18/11. Clarence was born in Norfolk, Virginia His father gave him his first saxaphone when he was nine ..."

Happy Father's Day, U2, Clarence, Depression

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there that love their children.  It takes a lot to be a good father, and even though you may wonder if your children are listening to you - they are.  They are listening and watching and becoming who they are partly because of you.  Knowing that you love them may be what keeps them going some days.  Wanting to make you proud is something that matters to them, even if they don't know it or show it.

Happy Father's Day to the mothers who are raising their children alone, especially a special young mom who reads this blog.  Its not easy to be the only parent.  I learned about halfway through that I could simply not be a father and a mother.  We are mothers doing doing it all, but we can't be fathers simply because we are women, not men.

The U2 concert was great, my friend had a wonderful time and that matters more to me than me having a good time.  Our seats were insanely good - so close to the stage.
But hearing of Clarence Clemons passing right before we walked into the stadium really put a dark cloud over the evening for me.

Yet, I felt depressed all day yesterday so I know it wasn't only losing a vital member of my favorite band of all time, its something more.  I don't know what it is but I feel it deep inside me right now.  The scary kind of depression that comes out of nowhere for no reason.

Going to visit Keven in a few hours.  I'm nervous because no matter how cheerful I act on the outside, he can tell when I am sad and it hurts him.  I don't want to cause him to feel bad just because I do.  But I guess that's how families work.

Hope all of you are doing good.  I will catch up on blogs as soon as I can.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Enabling Checklist

I found this in some notes and thought it might be helpful as a reminder of things NOT to do:

• give or lend money
• provide a place to live
• rescue/fix problems
• supply a car or transportation
• buy or provide alcohol or drugs
• bail out of jail
• lie to cover up problems
• deny the addiction to others
• defend behaviors to others
• ignore or laugh at the problem
• argue, plead, beg, threaten, placate, bargain
• insist nothing can be done
• keep secrets for the alcoholic
• put yourself in jeopardy
• allow drunk driving
• take over responsibilities
• protect from negative consequences
• blame other people or circumstances
• avoid social functions
• provide employment
• finance school related expenses
• pay bills

IN OTHER NEWS:  GUESS WHO'S GOING TO U2 TOMORROW NIGHT AND IS SO EXCITED SHE CAN BARELY CONTAIN HERSELF???????????????????????????????????????  yeah, baby!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Would You Like to be an Interventionist?

This is an email from Ken Seeley, some of you may know him from the TV show "Intervention".  I can think of a few of you out there that would be very good at this.  This would be a good opportunity if you or anyone you know has been thinking about it.  I think most of us have our hands full just dealing with our own addicts at this point, but I think it would be an interesting job for the right person at the right time.

We are going to be doing an interventionist training to work with www.Intervention911.com . If you or someone you know is looking to work as an interventionist please have them contact me Ken@intervention911.com we give them all the information they need on becoming an interventionist with our team. Please pass this along we like to have the best join us. Also if you’re not looking to join our company we will be doing training later in the year on how to start the process of becoming an interventionist, open to public.

Thanks for helping spread this message!

Sincerely,

Ken Seeley

Ant and Kev Updates and question on "Clean Dates"

Anthony is still in my life, though he's not in Keven's.  I talk to him a couple times a week and sometimes he comes over to grab a bite to eat or something like that.  The other night he was here to pick up his tattoo kit and he looked so defeated, so tried.  He's not the charismatic, talkative person he once was.  He's trying to get into a rehab but there is no funding so he continues to use and get by day to day.  He and his gf have no where to live.  I won't let him stay here.  I still love him and it hurts to see him like this.

Keven seems to be doing great.  You know how it is, you want to celebrate the progress they are making but it could so easily come crashing down, you learn to just be thankful for each day and have as few expectations as possible.  He has four months clean thanks to the cops catching him before he used.

That brings me to my question:

There are a lot of theories on determining how much clean time you have.  I am not a stickler one way or another, I don't count his time too much anymore, but I like to have a general idea of how long its been so I know how long he's had it out of his system.

He is being told several things in rehab:

1.  You need to change your clean date to the day you got busted because you would have used that day.

2.  You can't count the time in jail as real clean time.

3.  You have NO clean time as long as you are taking any type of meds for depression and anxiety.

I laugh at the third one because anyone who understands brain chemistry and sees the difference in a person on or off meds knows that this has nothing to do with using drugs or not, it has to do with maintaining the ability to do life well.  I am a wreck if I stop taking my anti-depressants so I just keep taking them.

What do you think?  Just curious.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Update on the boys...

Yesterday's visit with Keven was great (again!).  I have never felt so hopeful or excited about his recovery process, but the knowing voice in my head keeps reminding me "be cautiously optimistic, don't have expectations, be realistic, mellow out.....".  Its a fine line between balancing the hopeful joy and setting yourself up for disappointment.  He sees the hopeful side of me, I keep the other thoughts to myself, but we've talked about relapses before and he knows that it won't be a shock to me "if something happens".

"I woke up in love this morning, went to bed with you on my mind"

WARNING:  I am in a weird mood.  Anyone who recognizes the above lyric and the "band" that performed it will agree....weird.  I am not in love, and I have no one on my mind (except maybe David Cassidy).

I just finished getting caught up on all the blogs I read by parents of addicts and by addicts.  It feels good to be caught up and feels good to see so many comments left for each other to support one another in this "adventure" (nightmare is more like it).

I've been blogging for six years now.  For the longest time I had a blog where I just wrote about "whatever", it was called "Ramble On" in the beginning and then I changed the name to "Writing from the Inside Out".  Not to brag, but at one time it was quite popular and I had loyal readers from all over the world that stuck with me through the years.  I also had an "award winning music blog" that other music bloggers called "the neighborhood bar where we all stop after work to have a drink and talk about music").  Both those blogs have gone by the wayside because of this one.

I tried to hard to keep those blogs alive, I didn't care so much about the blogs themselves, but about the relationship built, the friends.  There were people that I had "been with" through some good and bad times of their lives.  One blog friend fell in love, got married and had two kids while I knew her.  There were deaths, births, joys, sorrows.  Most of those people moved on but some still come here to read (thank you) and I realize those people are with me for the long haul.

It seems weird to non-bloggers that these kind of bonds can be built with "strangers".  We know better, don't we?  And of all the bonds, none have been as important or strong as the ones I have formed with other parents.

Without you I don't know how I would have gotten through the last few years, and I don't want to go the next few without you.

This was not EVEN what I had intended to write just now!  It just came out.  I will write what I intended to write some other time.  Right now I have to get in the shower then drive to Long Beach, then to Garden Grove to visit MY BOY.  My wonderful son who today, makes me happy.  There were days when I felt the opposite - I actually wondered if life would be better without him because of the intense pain, sadness, anger....I'll take the good times when I can get them.

(I have an Anthony update for later)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Sentimental Legos

Because my great-nephew, Wyatt, is visiting for a few months, I got out all of Keven's Legos - he has a TON of them.  Wyatt and I are carrying on where Keven and I left off, we both could spend hours building and making up stories of what our Lego people are doing in their Lego worlds.

Sometimes I wonder - did I spend too much time playing with Keven when he was a kid?  Is it normal for a mom to sit on the floor, back aching, derriere numb, for hours working on a 953 piece police station?  (It came with a jail and a prisoner, who would have guessed back then.....).

I think I spent more time with him than the average mom because I didn't have a husband or other children to care for.  It was him and me.  We were a team.  We had so much fun in his childhood - especially out on the ocean on our Boogie boards.

So, anyhow, today I was sifting through them to give some away* tomorrow and it was kind of emotional for me.  Made me feel sad, long for those simple days, the pure joy, the carefree life we had.  I never took it for granted back then and - even though my mother and others said we spent too much time together - I don't regret one minute.

* Tomorrow I am taking Kev's friend with me to visit and he's bringing his two kids along.  They have a nice play there.  Keven wanted to give some of his Lego's to Williams kids I am filled two gallon size Ziploc bags full of them.  We obviously have plenty to spare!


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

World Surfing Champ Died from Drug Abuse

Was just reading my local paper and saw that the autopsy report for Andy Irons has been made public.  He died back in November, was found dead in an airport hotel room before flying back to his home in Hawaii.  At first they said he had died from dengue fever, but unfortunately it was from "acute mixed drug ingestion".

I'm sharing this because of a letter the family wrote to the media:

As we are not doctors, we have no choice but to accept that two respected pathologists have come to different conclusions about a secondary contributing cause of death.

However, the family would like to address the findings of prescription and non-prescription drugs in Andy’s system. Andy was prescribed Xanax and Zolpidem (Ambien) to treat anxiety and occasional insomnia — a result of a bipolar disorder diagnosed by his family doctor at age 18. This is when Andy first began experiencing episodes of manic highs and depressive lows.

The family believes Andy was in some denial about the severity of his chemical imbalance and tended to blame his mood swings on himself and his own weaknesses, choosing to self-medicate with recreational drugs.
Members of his family, close friends, and an industry sponsor intervened over the years to help Andy get clean, but the effort to find balance in his life was certainly complicated by his chemical makeup.

As I read that so many things crossed my mind.  Was Andy or his family even aware of how dangerous his drug use had become?  Were they able to accept it as an addiction?  Did he ever try a drug treatment center?  Did the family reach out for support?  Did he have a good doctor or one that gave him whatever he asked for?  Was he using heroin or RX opiates?  And on and on.....

None of this matters now, but with every tragedy I hope someone out there can learn something that may help their loved one.  Bottom line, it sounds like Andy didn't want help or didn't think he needed it.  We as families can only do so much.  I hope his parents are okay, my heart goes out to them.  Andy is at peace now.   :(

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Can Brain Malfunction Be Reason for Men Cheating?

This may not seem related to the subject of this blog, but it is.  I've heard a lot about Dr. Daniel Amen and the brain scanning he does to treat issues such as depression, anxiety, addiction, and apparently - cheating.  


I haven't formed an opinion on whether or not I trust his theory, but if I had and extra $5,000 - $10,00  lying around,  I'd check it out just out of curiosity.  It would be fascinating to see the results of Keven's brain, and my own.


Here it the entire article (its not long) and here is the gist of what it says:

"I think we should start by looking at their brains. How would we ever know if it was just bad behavior or a brain acting badly unless we looked? Psychiatrists, whom these people come to see for help, are the only medical professionals who rarely look at the organ they treat. Psychiatrists still make diagnoses today as they did in 1841, when Abraham Lincoln was depressed: by talking to people and looking for symptom clusters. Imagine if a cardiologist or an orthopedic doctor acted that way!"  

If he's right, then we should all be able to solve our issues with the right chemicals and nourishment of our brain.  That sounds way to simplistic to me, but it sure would be wonderful wouldn't it?  No more cheating spouses, no more psychopathic murderers, no more ADDICTS.


A lot of people think he's a "quack" and some of the reviews I've read from people who have been to his clinic and some of their stories are alarming.


As of yesterday, Keven is seeing a doctor we had used two years ago.  Some people also think his philosophy is wrong and that he is a "dangerous" doctor.  There has been an interesting controversy surrounding him but out attorney thinks he's a great doctor for addicts so .... I am trusting her judgement.


What are your thoughts on brain scanning etc?  Have you or anyone you know ever tried it?  Just curious.




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Feeling Good....

Had a great visit with Keven yesterday!  He seemed genuinely happy, very into his recovery and we had a fun time talking.  Couldn't ask for much more.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

A Lost Youth? How Long Will It Take?

My entire family has only been together once in the last three years, last June.  Yesterday would have been another opportunity for a "family photo" but thankfully no one brought it up because it would not have been complete without Keven.  He's missed so many holidays, get-togethers, etc.  

Its hard for me to accept the fact that he may continue missing out for years to come.  I don't want him to miss out on these years of life, my 20's were fun, adventurous and relatively carefree.

When we were new to this evil disease, I, like most parents, thought it would only take a rehab or a jail visit or something of that nature to knock some sense into him. Once he had completed a good  rehab he'd figure it out and choose to move on with his life.  I wish.  It takes total commitment from him and a good solid recovery plan that is his top priority above all else.  It usually doesn't happen in the first few years, but I hope for him it does.

As Lou said on her blog today:

I'm convinced the road to recovery is long, winding, and paved with different recovery tools. There is a huge difference between "alcoholic" and "problem drinker". Between "substance abuse" and "heroin addict".
"If you are new to a family member's heroin addiction, do not be lulled by brief periods of sobriety (whether forced by jail /rehab, or voluntary). Heroin is a long haul. Heroin doesn't go away because of negative consequences. You don't just quit heroin. If an addict does not have a life long recovery plan--abstinence, the 12 steps, the 10 commandments, medication, or some combination of these-- heroin will be back."

Here is a link to her blog, please read it.  Even if you already know this (as most of us do) we have to keep educating ourselves so we can help others who are new to this.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Top 100 Blogs for Overcoming Addiction

UPDATED!

I had the wrong link here, oops.  I fixed it. Did you know that many of our blogs are listed on this site, Nurse Practioner?  They sent me this "blogfrog" award and as I looked through the list of "Top 100 Blogs on Overcoming Addiction" I saw several of my blog friends there!

 It seems like an excellent resource and its nice to know that nurses are  educating themselves in this area by reading blogs.  One more step in the right direction for everyone involved with addiction.

Thank you, Nurse Practioners!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Revealing Old Love Letters

I was in the mood to organize a mess of papers today so I pulled out folders, boxes and files to start the project.  My eye caught a glimpse of faded red ribbon - and my heart skipped a beat.  My stack of old love letters saved from a lifetime ago.

Its never a good idea for a lonely woman to look back at letters written by men who loved her, adored her, fought over her...but what the heck, I was in the mood.  After I read a few I recognized a crumpled piece of paper that had been un-crumpled and written on in pencil.  If I could, I'd scan it and share the whole thing here because it fits the topic of my blog:

It was written by an addict to his co-dependent girlfriend.

He told her he didn't deserve all the kind things she did for him - the rides to work, the notes she wrote, the way she made him feel special, the this and the that, the frigging motorcycle she bought him.

He admitted he had never intended for our relationship to become serious but was glad it did because "I learned to love again".  He signed it "Luv, Dan".

It was shocking to be reminded of how sick our relationship was.  How obviously the addict/co-dependent roles were played.  I cringe thinking of how much I loved this man.  I think I was 24 and he was 25, something like that.  It lasted almost a year.  I would have married him in a second.  He was my world.  The charming, handsome addict.

But I was not his world.  His world was cocaine.  I had convinced him to go to a rehab after he got so crazy one night that, while I was driving and he was in the passenger seat, he kept threatening to blow us up.  He was holding an open can full of gas in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other.  He kept lighting matches off the cig and tossing them out the window.  Just one example of the crazy things addicts and their girlfriends live as "normal".  Drama, chaos, craziness.

I believe in fate and thankfully there was some intervening force that came between us.  That's a fancy way of saying he left me for a chick he met in rehab cause she had lots of good coke connections.  They fled rehab and he called me from her place to announce he was living with her.  She was gross, ugly, icky....I was pretty back then.  I was so insulted at the time it never registered to me that he left me for DRUGS not for the other woman.

I smile as I write this because its so similar to what I see the addicts around me doing today.  I WAS ONE OF THEM.  I WAS A CLASSIC CO-DEPENDENT GIRLFRIEND TO THIS GUY!  And to several others, but not as drastic as this.

What I find most interesting is that I was never that way with my non-addict/alcohol boyfriends and I always was the one to leave because (who knows the answer????  they were......boring).  I sought out the drama, the chaos, the craziness because with it came the feeling of being needed, feeling alive, being "loved".  It took me till I was 40 years old to get myself out of that pattern and stop dating men that were alcoholics (Dan was the only drug addict, all the rest, including Keven's "father" were drinkers).

I don't know what the moral of the story is.  I see Anthony and Kelly in Dan and me, and damn it if he didn't leave her for the same reason Dan left me.  For both her and I it was a blessing in disguise.  It made us so furious that the anger outweighed the pain and we were able to get over the men that would have drug us down for years if we let them. (no pun intended).

So now I am the co-dependent mother of an addict.  Its very different, but very similar.  Its so much easier to do the right thing (which is usually not doing anything) for Keven because I want him to be healthy, to get better, to have a future.  With Dan, I just wanted him, any way I could get him.


P.S.  See this guy down here in the right corner?  Do you think he resembles Dan the guy in the upper left corner???

P.S.S.  I wish I still had that Springsteen bumper sticker, I'd put it on my car, lol.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara