My Interview and other news....

The interview yesterday went fairly well but was very rushed.  The person doing the interviews is one of the attorney's in the office and I could tell she didn't really have much experience in interviewing.  She was young and sweet and I liked her a lot - but it was a bit awkward at times.  She felt that I was overqualified so I tried to tell her that it was okay.  

How do you say "I want a job with less stress and responsibility than when I was a high level assistant BUT not because I am lazy or won't take the job seriously"?

The pay is $7 less than what I used to make.  I don't know how I could survive on that but I am surviving on nothing now so I could make it work.

Get this - she put the ad for the job out on a Friday, by Monday she had 90 applicants!  She took the ad off and chose 30 of the 90 to interview and it sounds like she is meeting all of them.  The job won't even be ready to be filled for a month.  So, I think I have a good chance of getting it if she can look past my over qualifications.

The other positive thing I have to share is about Keven :)

I never want to say too much on here about the treatment center he's at so I will just say it this way:  They have recognized that he is a positive influence on some of the new people there and have asked him to stay where he currently is to help them out, rather than move to another house.  I could see in his eyes that this validated him and made him feel good.  Here he is fresh out of the hospital and is seen as someone that has something to offer!  He needed this so much!  So he is deciding on if he wants to stay in the house he's at or not.  He certainly doesn't have to (and it would be a huge sacrifice of freedom on his part if he does) so I am very curious to see what he chooses.  Either way, I am grateful for this boost in his self esteem/self worth.

I'm catching up with all of you and enjoying the good news I am reading - and resonating with the not so good news.  Its a journey people!

Its a rocky road, a roller coaster ride, a hike through mountains and valleys.  Its not smooth sailing.  Ok, I will stop now.  You get the idea.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I don't know how I feel...

The last few weeks have been rough.  Maybe I've said that before.  I never go back and read what I've already written and sometimes I just forget.  Tonight I just need to ramble a bit so I can empty my mind before going to sleep.

Tomorrow is court and the most likely outcome is that he will have one month left at Cornerstone in "Extended Care" which means pretty much groups and meetings day and night.  They lowered the price for the month to something that my dear mother was able to come up with.

I feel so much guilt at the amount of money my sister and mother have invested in Keven's recovery.  They love him so much, he's lived his entire life in this house with them.  There were times when I resented living here but I stuck it out in order to work part-time during his early childhood years right up to Jr. High.  My mom was always here when I was at work looking after him.

After this last month we have to figure out what to do next.  The judge is not going to let him come home and frankly, I don't want him to yet.  If I get a job I can afford to pay his rent at a sober living....IF I get a job.  I would still have very little money to live on but I'm used to that.

Please, don't anyone suggest that Keven get a job.  It sounds so simple, but he's been evaluated by a vocational rehab and they don't feel his stable enough to be employable so I've told him not to worry about a job at the moment - just focus on recovery.

How did this happen to my intelligent, strong, good hearted boy?  The anxiety and depression was there before the drugs....and most likely influenced his decision to use drugs in the first place....but, where does that leave him now.  I see the look in his eyes, that fearful look.  Frankly it bothers me more than the blank pinpointed look.

I have to get some sleep.  I want to think positive.  I want something good to happen in my life.  I want to live again and not merely exist or survive.

I'm really kind of a mess.

The Tragedy of Waiting for a Tragedy

Can you imagine if we all treated each other the way we did after the 9/11 tragedy?  I think most people let go of petty issues during the days and weeks that followed, and were kinder and more empathetic towards others.

That happens whenever something horrible goes down and to a much lesser degree when something really good happens (although I can't think of something everyone would agree on as "good", I do think most people would consider events like 9/11, Katrina and other natural disasters as "bad").

Similarly, people are drawn together when they share a common personal tragedy, cancer, losing a loved one, addiction.

They have support groups for most things of this nature.  Some people find comfort in church (I never did, I felt like an outsider even after attending for years.  When I left not a single person called to find out where I was, and it was a very small church of about 100 people.  But that's another topic....)

I wish the world was a kinder place.  A place with less evil, less heartache, less loneliness.  But you know what they say:  Be The Change.  Each time we are kind to a stranger we are making a difference, and I do believe its contagious.

"All the lonely people, where do they all come from...."

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Things That Happen at the Hair Salon

I've been having the same wonderful woman doing my hair forever (16 years?) and I know lots of her clients.  Today I was there and saw a woman that I have always admired from afar and watched with awe.  This woman is so beautiful (on the outside and the inside).  She appeared to have an ideal life with a loving husband, two sons.  We went to church together for years.  I didn't know her well but when K started talking about suicide at age 11 my pastor got me in contact with "T".

I had no idea that "T's" son suffered from depression and on and again off again suicide talk or attempts.  "T" and I shared a few emails.  It seemed that her son, a teen at the time, was getting better so I was shocked to hear that he followed through and took his own life.

HOW
DOES
A
PARENT
SURVIVE
SUCH
HEARTACHE?

Its been quite a few years since it happened.  I actually got to know "T" a little better since then but never mentioned her son to her.  I always wanted to.  I have a million questions.  But she is a quiet person and and I just don't know her all that well.

Today we were both having our hair done and I noticed her son's name tattooed on her ankle.  I have K's name on my ankle too.   I don't know what the point of his post is, but seeing her made my heart ache and fill with fear.

At the moment I am literally surrounded by piles of paperwork from the last 8 years trying to find "evidence" that K's depression/anxiety has been "chronic and persistent".  Ugh.  I don't have too much to prove that but I am trying.

I hope all of you are doing well.  I can't wait to kick back in my recliner later and READ YOUR BLOGS.

OH MY GOSH! THIS IS SO FLIPPIN WILD, CHECK THIS OUT!

Ok, I am crying.  This is just too "coincidental".  You know how I just told you about "T" and her son?  You know how I am surrounded by piles of papers digging through to find medical stuff on K?  Well, after hitting publish on this post I picked up a piece of paper and unfolded it.  It was a poem written by her son and included in his memorial.

I can't stop crying looking at his face.  I didnt' go to the memorial.  I didn't even know I had this piece of paper, its a photocopy.  I must have asked someone if I could take a copy of it.  I don't know if I should share the poem here or not, I should probably respect their privacy but somehow I think "T" would say it would be okay, I may ask her.

Oh my God....Dear Jesus - why?  Why do you let people "end their pain" instead of taking it away?  How can you take this family through such agony?  This is why I walked away from God for a year....I was (and still am) so pissed off at how much pain is in this life.  I believe again, I guess.  I don't even know sometimes.  I am tired of the simple answers "his ways are beyond ours".  This boy was 17 years old.  17.  With loving parents and brother, and friends and a bright future (with proper medical care for depression).  He could not bear life.  I am going to ask "T" if I can post his poem here.  It says so much.

Wow.  I am just blown away that out of hundreds of pieces of paper here on my bed I picked that one up....

To all the moms and dads and addicts and ....to all of us

I am so thankful for the support, concern and wisdom I find via blogging about my son's addiction.

We are all different, yet so many of us can relate to each other.

My heart hurts not just for the parents....but for the addicts. To be honest, I think I have more compassion for the sons and daughters of some of you than for my own son - because he just pisses me off sometimes!!! Its harder to have compassion when someone hurts you directly so many times, over and over.

But all of us are flawed. We all have issues and hang-ups, mostly caused by hurts in our lives.

I'm realizing lately how precious life is - the simple moments, the love, the gratefulness. I just wanted to say I am grateful for ALL OF YOU!