Thanks

My venting on  here helped yesterday.  I feel a little better today and am going to get out of the house and run a bunch of errands so at least I feel productive.

A few thoughts for the day:

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

what day is it?

I'm so tired.

Physically
Mentally
Emotionally
Spiritually

I feel like I am never going to get a job even though I am signed up with a few temp agencies now.

One has to ask:  Is it me?  or is it just the way things are?

But I guess the big thing on my heart is Keven.

I'm very tired of all of this.  I have no motivation.

Nothing changes if nothing changes...

but how can you change if you are stuck and part of you just doesn't care and wants to crawl in a hole and sleep for a year or two.

The moments of joy that come around now and then are just so fleeting.  I really don't see the point in life for people who constantly have struggles from the day they were born.

I envy people that have a "good" life.  I'm not ungrateful, I know so many people that have it "worse than me" but that's not my point.

My point is I am starting to fall into depression deeper every day and feel immobilized by it.  I shouldn't even be writing this.  People will feel sorry for me, or judge me, or try to help me.  I just want to feel better.  I just want to go to bed and sleep and wake up with some motivation for doing life.  I don't know how the hell I would function at a job if I had one.

I take two anti-depressants already.  I don't know what else to do.  How to start caring what happens next.  I have sort of resigned myself that my life is what it is, and I am here only to help Keven get going in the right direction for his life.  But I look at him and see myself.  Another depressed person but with the added suffering of anxiety and addiction.

I'm sorry.  I just feel like shit right now.

Hospital

Just got back from five hours in the ER with Keven.  He admitted himself for extreme panic/anxiety because he couldn't control it any longer and didn't trust himself.  It breaks my heart to see him go through this.  There were not beds open so he has to stay in the ER all night and possibly be transfered in the morning to a different place.  I hope not.

We had some really good conversations during the wait and hopefully he will be able to process some things with less anxiety.

I am tired.

His biggest worry is that he will be like this forever, that he will always struggle with both the anxiety and addiction.  Unfortunately he probably will but I'm trying my best to get him to stop looking at the rest of his life and focus on today.  Do what you need to do today.  Live today.  Its very difficult for him to do that.  Actually, its difficult for most of us to do that.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

The Tragedy of Waiting for a Tragedy

Can you imagine if we all treated each other the way we did after the 9/11 tragedy?  I think most people let go of petty issues during the days and weeks that followed, and were kinder and more empathetic towards others.

That happens whenever something horrible goes down and to a much lesser degree when something really good happens (although I can't think of something everyone would agree on as "good", I do think most people would consider events like 9/11, Katrina and other natural disasters as "bad").

Similarly, people are drawn together when they share a common personal tragedy, cancer, losing a loved one, addiction.

They have support groups for most things of this nature.  Some people find comfort in church (I never did, I felt like an outsider even after attending for years.  When I left not a single person called to find out where I was, and it was a very small church of about 100 people.  But that's another topic....)

I wish the world was a kinder place.  A place with less evil, less heartache, less loneliness.  But you know what they say:  Be The Change.  Each time we are kind to a stranger we are making a difference, and I do believe its contagious.

"All the lonely people, where do they all come from...."

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Nightmare

painting by: SANDRA KNIGHT NICHOLSON STEPHENSON

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night full of terror, relieved to discover it was only a dream?

That happened to me last night and it took me right back to the days when Keven was using.   I think the dream happened because he brought one of his roommates over yesterday.  I really liked the young man and was comforted by the fact that his drug of choice was meth not heroin.

Never thought there would come a day that I based the "safeness" of my son's friendship based on the drugs they used.

Oh, wait.  I just remembered that the last time Kev used with Anthony he also used meth.  I'm not worried.  He's tested three times a week and if he fails a test again it will be out of my hands.  Why dwell on the what ifs?

In other news:  We  have a lost cat staying with us.  I hope the owner comes forward soon because we already have four cats and two dogs.  This cat is making himself at home here, he's really sweet.


Have you Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Good Vibrations and some Guys in My Life

I think sometimes the universe (or God or whatever your beliefs are) sends us messages through other people.

I have a wise friend, Joe, who I  spend many hours with on the phone with.  We talked today and he told me some things he'd noticed about me lately...he was right.  Basically he said I am surrounded by darkness and need to lighten my life (he referred specifically to my rape blog, my son's addiction, my unemployment and some personal stuff)

THEN, my phone rang and it was my lifelong friend, Nuel, who rarely calls.  He told me he wanted to take me to U2!  Of course I said yes and we decided my sister had to be there too.  I was in charge of getting the tickets and I got  us AMAZING seats that were going for $2,000 each on ticket sites but Ticketmaster had a few left at $300 each.  We will be sitting as close as you can be to the band (not counting people in the red zone or GA)

Nuel and I almost got married when I was 21.  I loved him, still do, but it wasn't the right kind of love for a marriage.  I'm glad he will be with me to see U2 and share the experience.  He hasn't been to a concert in over 20 years and he will DIE.  He's also completely computer illiterate.  He's more of the rugged outdoors type and has no use for technology.  The thinks I am brilliant because I knew how to go on line and purchase the tickets....isn't that cute?

He's a "late bloomer to U2" and just discovered their lyrics.  They are the kind of band you can hear for years and not realize you like them until you actually listen.  Big difference.  I finally have something to look forward to in the near future!

Oh and that brings me to the final guy.  He wants to take me out.  He likes me.  He thinks we'd be good together, etc.  BUT, he's a musician.  Being the music lover that I am you'd think this would be a positive, but I've dated enough musicians to know that its not an easy life having women/girls throwing themselves at your man constantly.  And he's very good looking.  He spent a lot of time touring and doing the "groupie" thing.  He said he's tired of "Barbie Dolls" he wants a real woman with depth and intelligence, etc. etc.  Well, I am certainly no Barbie Doll, and in the words of U2 "Big Girls are Best" but I still feel red flags waving around this guy.  I need to be careful.

I will end with my favorite U2 video.  I don't know if this has the same meaning for the rest of you - but for those of us who lived here and experienced this it was insane!  I was down in Orange County when I heard on the radio that U2 was doing a live performance from on top of an old building in LA.  Even if I would have headed up there, I would have missed it but I was glued to my radio and then later saw it on the news and of course we all got to see it when this video came out.




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Smooth Sailing

The last week has been good for Keven, once he got used to the new meds they put him on, he seems to be doing fine.  Well, fine for Keven that is.  I can hear someone out there thinking about what the definition of "fine" as:

F'd Up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

That would describe me these days!

:)

Plan to catch  up on blogs this afternoon and make sure all is well with my blog community.  I hope so.  I looked at my "prayer list" today and counted how many parents/addicts I "pray" over each day, there are a total of 33, 21 sons and 12 daughters.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara