Today's Visit

You never know how a jail visit will go, but so far this time around they have all been "good".  Its hard to believe there was a time when he was rude to me or unappreciative or even hostile.  He hasn't been that way in a long time.  I really like my son.  He's a good person.

So today's visit went fast.  Only had to wait for 30 minutes and there was a "newbie" there so I talked to her while we waited.  Its easy to spot a newbie and I will never forget my first time.  It felt so foreign to me, being in that environment.

Anyhow, he's still not sure what he wants to do but I can tell he's leaning toward taking his time, especially since they are doing "half time" right now (the jails get so crowded sometimes that they allow non-violent offenders to only serve half their time).

I am okay with this decision because one of the biggest hurdles Keven faced during his time at




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Does Anyone Know What a "Happy Card" Is?

Has anyone heard this term in relation to jail?


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Unreturned Phone Calls

You know that saying "no news is good news"?  It doesn't apply in the world of addiction.  Raise your hand if you "know" your addict is using by the LACK of communication?

Hmmm.

Keven hasn't called in two days which is very unlike him...but I know where he is so I am not worried.  (update - he called.  the reception is so bad i could barely hear him but I will visit him tomorrow).

Kelly has not called or returned my texts.

Anthony has not responded to my text.

I still care about Ant but am totally detached from his issues.  Last time I talked to him he told me he was going on methadone, the 90 day type.  Whatever it takes.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Figure 1. Primary Heroin Admissions, by Race/Ethnicity and Route of Administration: 1995 and 2005

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Employers Taking Advantage of Desperate Times

I want one of these shirts!

I am searching and apply for jobs daily.  Seven days a week.  Looking at every job site out there.

Positions that were once paying 16 - 18 are now paying 10 - 12.  I wish I was kidding.  Its freaking me out because I can't even get a job that pays half of what I was making before?  Just a few bucks over minimum wage?

I have over 20 years experience and am considered to be a kick-ass administrative assistant but....no one seems to care.  I don't speak Spanish, I am Old, My skills are becoming obsolete because of technology.

I feel so tired when I think of going back to school - plus can't afford that.  This is not fun.

This is getting scarier every day.  I keep reading that things are getting better but I don't see it happening here.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Blogging Has Changed for Me

This morning I'm trying to catch up on blogs.  Its amazing to me that I used to keep up with over 100 blogs.  Now I read only the addiction related blogs plus a few that are very special to me for one reason or another (Erin, Bob, Joey, Linda, Iris, Shawna, Seano and Nikole).  Occasionally I get to read some of my other favorites (Max, Joe, Amber, Lilo, Dana, Deb) and a few music blogs, but I don't even comment most of the time.

I just don't have the emotional energy I used to.  Sad, but true.  I'm not the person I was once and that person is gone forever.  At least a part of her is.  As I said in a comment to "There is No Hero in Heroin":

I try to fool myself sometimes thinking there is an end in site…I’ve witnessed a few success stories and know that its possible. But like my son always reminds me – he meets lots of “old addicts” in jail and rehab and at meetings, but there are few old heroin addicts. My boy is in jail right now too. I am enjoying the peace and wondering what will happen next. I sat across from him yesterday, he looked so healthy, clean, handsome and hopeful. My boy. My only child. He’s never made it longer than three months in the last three years (I thought he made it nine months once but found out that was a lie). Part of me died when all this began. It was the part that held hope, experienced pure joy, and felt real peace at times. It will never come back and I’ve accepted that. I will settle for occasional hope filtered through reality, joyful moments and peace when I know for a fact he’s safe and clean (which as you know is rare).

Also, I've noticed that a lot of people that used to blog have quit. I think blogging has become less popular since the immense rise in FB users. Those of us who still blog seem to do so for one of two (or both of these) reasons:

- writing is in our soul
- we are passionate about something, so we write about it

I guess I fall into both categories.

What is my point? I don't know, this is just what came out when I sat down in front of the keyboard. I suppose my point is that addiction infiltrated my life and everything has been affected, my health, my peace of mind, my relationships, my finances, my social life and even my writing.

Two AA Slogans for today:

"We aren't bad people trying to get good.
We're sick people trying to get well."

"The disease is progressive.
So is recovery. "

I need to remember that Keven has a disease, a disease without a cure. He can control his disease but it will never go away completely. Accepting that is the hardest part of all this. Even after all the knowledge I've gained on this topic - I still want to BELIEVE that some day he will just be "all better". But like cancer, it can come back at any time. Recovery is a PROCESS not a one time (or two, tree, ten....) time incident. 

 Progress - not perfection. Right.  I'll take what I can get and keep hoping for the best.  Deep sigh.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

An Addict in Our Son's Bedroom

I'm sure most of you who read here have already visited Ron's blog, "An Addict in Our Son's Bedroom" in the last two days but IF NOT - don't miss it.  Yesterday he wrote a very poignant post about what its life being the parent of an addict.

I've often struggled to find the words to describe to certain people in my life what its like, but to truly understand it, you have to live it.  Yet Ron managed to paint a very accurate picture with his words.

Reading his post also made me thing that those of us that are in this situation have a bond to one another because we feel each other's pain.  Its why cancer survivors have a bond, or on the other side of the coin, why fans have a bond with other fans of their favorite sports team or musician, etc.  (whenever I meet someone who has seen Bruce as many times as I have, we're immediately bonded!).

Then today's post he wrote was about  a play put on by a local high school.  Its a POWERFUL performance called "Under the Influence".  Check out his blog to get the details.  It would be incredible to somehow have that performance available to ALL high school students all over the USA.  To me, its the kind of thing that will actually speak to a teen that is contemplating using.  I have to wonder - if my son would have saw something like that would he have still gone ahead and picked up his first needle KNOWING it would devastate his family?  I doubt that crossed his mind, and it may not have mattered.  But believe it or not, I think he would have thought about it more.  There is no way an addict can know beforehand how their disease spreads to the entire family, but this play demonstrates how that happens.  I want to see it!

Oh, and speaking of cancer, my mother celebrated 10 years cancer free today.  When she had colon-cancer surgery ten years ago the doctor told her it would most likely return in five years.  HA!  She's the healthiest, strongest, most energetic (and stubborn) old lady (86) I've ever met!!!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara