Quick Update...

Update - everything is back to the same scary stuff.  I don't know what to do.  I think he needs to be hospitalized.


When all else fails...

adopt a dog.
(details on "Sugar" later).

For the last two days since he used, I have seen my old Keven.  I don't know why, I know it probably won't last, but its there...the old smile, the old smirk, the old sweetness.  He brought his gf's mom over to meet my family today and we all sat in our yard for over an our chatting and laughing and telling fun stories.  It felt like the Twilight Zone to me...not used to such normalcy.  In a few minutes he's joining us at my brother's house for a BBQ of burgers, etc.  Not typical for even my old Keven (unless it was a "real" holiday like Christmas or HIS birthday).

Tom left a comment that is the only possible hint I have at why he may be acting so calm, so nice, so pleasant.  (details later...I'm in a hurry...sorry!).   I also wonder - did he not take his meds the last few days?  Does that make him feel better?  Is he just relieved that he relapsed and confessed?

Also, he's not bitching that I took his car away.  He started to yesterday but gave up.  This is so not like him.  I like this new behavior but I know better than to get used to it.

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT, LOVE, WISDOM!

I will read blogs tonight to catch up with all of you.

Love,
Barbara

Was it Dawn or Athena?

About four or five months ago I received an email from either Dawn or Athena.  I apologize for not remembering.  But I have never forgot the email.

It was about the difference between attending Al-Anon and NAMI and how they each pulled you in a different direction when your addict was dually diagnosed with both addiction (Al-Anon) and mental illness (NAMI).  They have almost opposite methods.  Tough love and no enabling or supporting with compassion and trying to help.

Since he seemed to be staying away from drugs, I decided that Keven's mental illness was the big issue.  I poured myself into learning all about it.  I went to the Family to Family classes (which I don't regret at all) and I feel qualified to diagnose mental illness and prescribe meds (not really, but seriously, the info they give you is very in depth).

Its much more difficult to navigate mental illness because its so nebulous, and there are no simple, straight answers.  With addiction its very clear:  stop using drugs and life gets better!

I've been treating my son as a Bipolar 1 with panic disorder, general anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder and possibly OCD.  THINKING HE IS REALLY SICK AND NEEDS HELP.

THEN the addiction rears its ugly head and he uses heroin again at the very first chance he gets to do it without any legal consequences!!!

So now I am back in the "mother of an addict" mode and am ready, willing and able to kick him out if needed (I actually fantasize about how nice it would be for him to be gone for awhile).

Is he ill?  
Is he ill and an addict?  
Is he only an addict?  
How do I treat him if he's both?  
How do I find the truth of which he is?  


Is he faking the illness?  
Is he manipulating us?  
Is it all a big game to him?  
What if its not? 
What if it is?

I wish he would never have been diagnosed.  I would feel a lot better dealing with just a drug addiction.  This is like a double edged sword - pointed at me.

P.S.  All the comments left on the last post were awesome...thank you. Wish I had the energy to answer each one individually.  I am trying to learn I can't always do that even when I want to.  Need to preserve energy for the next few days of "battle".

P.S.S.  You won't even believe what happened with his girlfriend today. Short story - she got busted for shoplifting.  Luckily he was not involved and was not with her when it happened or he'd be in a lovely orange jumpsuit right now.  Hey, that would solve a lot of my problems :)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

The Morning After...

Last night this an old Duran Duran song kept playing in my mind:

"Don't say a prayer for me now, save it for the morning after...."

BUT, its the morning after and I feel okay BECAUSE you prayed.  Because you CARE.   Because you, the people who read this blog, have never left my side, have continued to support me and encourage me and educate me and hold my hand.

THANK YOU.

There is no update at this time.  He's sleeping.

I feel a peace at the moment because in a way, its like I was holding my breath for 9 months waiting and wondering if this would happen.

Each of your comments was so helpful.  I don't even know how to express how much this community means to me, but I think many of you understand.

More later :)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

He Relapsed

"Relapse" sounds so mild.  He used.  He shot up.  He lost his nine months sobriety.  He can barely keep his eyes open.  He looks like hell.  It was painful to see him in that condition.

I guess the positive is that he told me.  He didn't use yesterday when he stole the money.  He used today.  He says he regrets it.  He says he won't do it again.  He says he wants to go into an out-patient program.  He says ....blah blah blah.

His girlfriend broke up with him until he can prove he's not going to use again and just drove him to a meeting.  He can barely keep his eyes open.  I sure as hell hope they aren't pulled over because THIS TIME the cop would have ever right to arrest him.

Am I upset?  Of course.  I am very upset.  I am not surprised at all.  I knew it was coming the second he told me that he had a whole week until drug testing at probation.  I had hope after last night that he got beyond it, but it won.

Two of his friends that are also on probation with him both called and asked him to get hight today.  He went with Gilbert to a shooting gallery in Santa Ana.  I told him Gilbert is never allowed in this house again.  He said "I know".

He called Brad (his mentor) and Andrew (his best friend that has never touched a drug in his life) and told both of them.  He told my sister.  He told me he wants top work the steps and get a sponsor.  He said he has too much to lose, he can't go backwards.

What the hell ever.

I have no faith or trust in him right now.  He told me not to give him cash only visa gift cards for gas.  He asked me to buy "piss tests" (drug tests) to use on him whenever I wanted.  He is saying all this...but how will he feel about it tomorrow remembering the high?

Oh well.  As I was thinking earlier:  I don't have my son anymore.  I have this person that is really messed up.  If he leaves (to jail, a hospital, the streets) it won't be that difficult for me because the person that lives here in this house in my son's body is not my son.  He hasn't been for over a year.  I still love him just as much...but its like he's a shell for who Keven used to be.

One last thing:  he said he's glad I have this blog and all of you to listen to me talk about him and support me.  I am glad for that too.

For old time's sake, some of you will remember this photo from my first blog:

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Is Bipolar Contagious?

The title is just me being facetious.  But, seriously, I feel like I am on a roller coaster myself and need to get off.  I feel like my last post was really bizarre.  What happened was really bizarre.  All the details I left out were really bizarre.

So the conclusion is living with Bipolar is really bizarre.  Yet at this moment I have hope again.  I also have to remember that this is a lifelong illness that is not going to go away so I need to accept that instead of getting so upset when he has an episode, because unfortunately these episodes can last for weeks at at time.  Learning to manage it is all we can do.

The good news is I picked up a book I got at the library the other day called "Loving Someone With Bipolar" by Julie Fast.  I had seen her website and to be honest, once I saw she was selling something I lost interest.  I assumed it was another person trying to make a buck by getting you to buy an e-book or something that was really nothing more than info they cut and paste from somewhere else that you could have found for free.

But she's very legit and has an excellent reputation.

So I open the book and read the chapter describing all the symptoms of Bipolar.  Yes - it takes an entire chapter, which she titles "Multi-polar" because the name Bipolar is very misleading.  Most people think its means "highs and lows" or "manic depressive" but its so much more than that.

I had learned the basics of Bipolar in the NAMI course but this book goes into great detail and I am wondering why I didn't recognize sooner that Keven has all the symptoms (which is good news considering it seems like there is something mysteriously horrible wrong with him - but apparently a lot of what he's going through is typical).

Here is an outline of what I learned, I have seen every single thing described here in Keven (they think he has BP1)

• 
  
  Bipolar I disorder is characterized by one or more manic episodes or mixed episodes (symptoms of both a mania and a depression occurring nearly every day for at least 1 week) and one or more major depressive episodes. Bipolar I disorder is the most severe form of the illness marked by extreme manic 
  episodes.
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Bipolar Psychosis article by Julie Fast

  
  
• 
  
  Depression
• Mania
• Psychotic symptoms (delusions and hallucinations)
• Paranoid symptoms
• Intense anger and irritability
• Anxiety
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Inability to concentrate
• Suicidal thoughts
• Self harm

What really got me was that she used two illustrations that happened to her and Keven has had the EXACT same things happen to him:  1) looking down at his wrists and seeing them bleeding (a hallucination) and 2) feeling so angry that you have to hit something, yell or start a fight to get relief.

I don't know why this makes me feel better but I do.  Knowing that she has this disease and is successful and relatively happy gives me hope.  She was also 19 when she first started having symptoms.  Its very common for mental illness to show up in young adults.

I love my son so much.  I hate to see him suffer.  I hate to suffer along with him.  For years he's been telling me he won't live to his 21st birthday.  What if that's true?  I don't want to regret not having done everything I possibly can to help him while I have the chance.  I need to convince him that he his symptoms are "normal" because right now he thinks he's going off the deep end and is afraid of what he might do.  I need to calm him down so that he can gain more control (hopefully).

I don't know what I'm talking about but it sounds good...

I am going to bed now.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Waiting for an explanation....

UPDATE:


He came home and (are you sitting down?) gave the $60 back and apologized.  I honestly don't know if he was high or not.  His pupils were slightly constricted and his girlfriends were slightly dilated...so in other words that was no help.  They just left to go to a 10 pm NA mtg. and sure enough there is one where they said it would be (I checked).


10:00 PM LAVA LAMP, 929 Calle Negocio, Ste H @ Calle Amanecer


He then proceeded to tell me that he took the money for the same reason he broke the glass yesterday.  We have been seeking help for him since January (with the mental illness aspect of things) and no one can help him. He's getting worse.  He says he feels like he's living the life of an addict without getting high and he feels like he's not inside his own body but he's watching himself live from a distance.  This scares the shit out of me and I am at the point where I feel desperate to get him help but have no idea where to turn since he's already seeing two psychiatrists.  I can't force him into the hospital unless he's a danger to himself or others.  I don't know what to do.

Got a text from my sister on my way home from work today.

Kev had taken money out of her wallet.

Why does an addict steal money?

I called him, he said "don't worry, I'm not doing anything, I know we have to talk about this when I get home, I have an explanation".

There is no excuse, absolutely none, for stealing.  Of course my stomach has been in knots and I have been fighting back tears because I am not stupid.

Yet, part of me wants to believe there is a reason (not an excuse but a reason) he took the money.  Part of me still believes that he would not lose his 9 months of sobriety.

I don't think this way because I think my son is "strong" or incapable or anything like that - its because of his extreme paranoia and obsession of getting caught.  His fears and anxiety have been the main motivators in his sobriety.  I know that.  He admits that.  We all agree on that.

So if he gets high its because he knows he has one week till his next drug test.  That just kills me.  His sobriety is not what's vaulabel to him - its not getting caught.  And since Monday is a holiday, he can get away with it.

I'll report back after we have our talk.  If I had an extra $25  I'd run down the street and buy a drug test.

In the words of Lennon and McCartney:

Obla-di, obla-da, life goes on, la la la la life goes on.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

A New Blog to Embrace

Jake's Mom left a link to a new blogger, Mother of a Beautiful Boy.
Reading her latest post was like a step back to last year for me.  I can remember feeling the exact same way.  So many mixed feelings.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara