Saying NO

I try to find the positive in everything.  With addiction its very difficult to find anything remotely positive, but with Anthony's meltdown and addict behaviors over the last week the positive is that Keven and Kesly get to see what its like to deal with an addict.

They see what their addiction has put their family through.  Its a good lesson, but still hard to watch them learn this the hard way.

Anthony needs to be hospitalized.  He is not sane, he is not safe.  He has been threatening suicide for days and just called and told me if I did not let him spend the night here he would kill himself.

I said NO.

I offered to take him to the hospital but he said he doesn't want to go.  I just hope and pray that his grandparents are safe with him in the house.  I told his grandma today that they should call the police the moment they felt threatened or scared or if he got too wild and out of control.

Keven is not taking his calls.

If he calls me again I might drive over there but call the police and have them meet me at his house.  Shit...that would be ballsy of me but I don't know what else to do - - - he is a danger to himself and others and I want him locked up.

Do I ignore his calls or do I intervene?  He hung up on me when I said no to him so maybe he won't call me back.  Its not my problem...
but it sort of is.  I've come this far with him, the least I could do is have him tossed back in prison, right?  For his own safety.

It hurts to know he's suffering, but he's also very mean and nasty about it, Keven would internalize most of his agony - Ant does the opposite and is BLAMING all of us for his problems.

Addiction is ugly.

I guess I will try to sleep and hope that he stays home and doesn't do anything stupid or dangerous.

Thanks for all of your care and concern.




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Read Between The Lines

I can't say why I am so upset.  But maybe you can guess.  I've written about Anthony because I have nothing to lose in writing about his actions on my blog.  My son is very depressed, anxious and, well, basically a wreck.  Yet I see him trying so hard to keep it together.  Let's just say he has disowned his "brother" and I have also disowned my "other son".

I am more angry than sad.

I've asked myself - was is worth it investing so much of my love, time, money, energy and constant encouragement into Anthony's life for the last two and a half years????  I would have to say NO.  It was not.  Because the times I believed in him, I always had a huge doubt inside because of his history.  He has never been able to stay off drugs or our of prison/jail/juvenile hall.

I chose to look at his positive side but now I wonder - did he ever really care, did anything I say mattered or was I just a great person to have on his side because I was so kind and generous?

I insisted that if someone gave him a chance, some unconditional love, some hope - he could do it.  He could overcome.

Well, go ahead and I say it, because I agree completely:  I was naive, arrogant to think I would make a different, fooled, used, and mostly STUPID.  I admit all this - its obvious and I KNEW BETTER but still forged ahead thinking the best of him.

I am just done with him completely and he is done with me too.  He is mad at ME because of something I said to him related to who he used drugs with the other day.  He is not a nice person, and sadly, I think it goes beyond his addiction.  He grew up with parents that did drugs in front of him and were in and out of jail and I think the combination of his genetics and environment left him with some very serious issues.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Deep, Gut-Wrenching Pain, Disappointment, Anger and Stress

In my last post I said that Anthony is using again.  This doesn't come as a shock or a surprise, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept.  I am done with him.  I am not just saying that, I truly am.

Unfortunately I still have to live with the effects of his using because of how torn up Keven is over this.  He asked if he could come over and talk to me today and said "don't worry, its not about me, I'm fine."  Well I already knew in my gut what it was about.  Seeing Keven's face, the stress, the fear, the anger, disappointment and concern....all of it, even stronger than how I am feeling it - - - makes me hope and pray that Anthony gets thrown back in prison immediately.

He tried to get Keven to use with him.  Keven refused but DAMN HIM, how dare him?  I know, I know, he's an addict and that's what they do - they don't give a shit about anyone else as long as they can get high.

I overheard Keven telling him he could talk to him on the phone but not see him in person.  I'm thankful for that but I hope he gets to the point where he doesn't even talk to him on the phone.

Kev is spending the day with an older friend that's in the program and they are going to meetings, etc.  Keven told him what's going on and this man said "you can't be alone today".  I feel fairly confident that Keven will not use, but there are no guarantees.  Maybe he did.

I am so pissed off right now. I am sick.  I have not felt sick like this in a long time.

He still has not fessed up to me - I texted him and asked how he was today and he said "most excellent, how are you".  I didn't even respond.  He told Keven I was the one person he didn't want to find out.

I wish I could get him arrested.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I Knew It

Anthony is using again.

Keven and Kels are not, but Keven seemed very uptight tonight as he told me about Ant.

I felt it in my gut the other day.

He usually calls daily and didn't for two days.

I text him "I love you last night" at 9

He did not text back till this morning.

This may not sound like a lot of evidence.  But I KNEW.

Damn it.





Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Parent Project? Will It Help?

Just read about this on my cities local blog.  What do you think?  I have mixed feelings.

   Police Services is offering parents methods to deal with difficult or destructive behaviors in their children.  The Parent Project has been developed over 20 years to help kids develop into safe and responsible adults.

   Parents are invited to take part in 10-sessions designed to help children grow into safe and capable adults. The 10-week program helps parents learn and practice specific prevention strategies for defiant actions or destructive behaviors such as truancy, alcohol and drug use, gangs, running away, violence and suicide. Parents will learn to deal with poor grades and online gaming addictions.  They will also learn to understand teens and their use of technology.

   MV Deputies, including several of the School Resource Officers, receive 40 hours of training for the Projects, which assists parents with kids ages 11-19. 

   The $20 training includes the workbook and begins next Tuesday, February 1, at 6:30 p.m. in the Murray Center. Parents can  register with Carla Kerr weekdays from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. at 949-470-8433.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

The COST of Recovery

Ugh.

Its really insane how much drug treatment costs.  For the first 90 days of his stay at Cornerstone we paid a huge, huge amount of money.  Basically it was money I would have inherited but given to me early.

Now that he is done with that 90 days, the judge told us today that he has to stay at Cornerstone another 90 days, but in the next level down, which they call Monitored Living (a step above Sober Living).  It is going to cost us $1,800 per month plus food plus $100 in drug tests per month.

He has done so well there she wants it to continue.

All I can say is:  I am thankful for credit cards and if I have a lifetime of debt to pay along with a clean and sober and happy son, so be it.

My gratitude goes out to VISA, Mastercard and Discover.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Last Family Group and THANK YOU

Thanks for the comments left on my last post.  I was in such a horrible place when I wrote that but the comments and talking to Keven helped.

I wish all of you could've been at Family Group tonight, there was a bit of tension in the room (and by a bit, I mean A LOT).  It was a lot of new people in the group and one woman was there in support of her father.  She didn't say much until near the end when she spoke up after someone shared something about their mother.  With an indignant tone in her voice she had the audacity to say (in a room full of addicts and their parents) that if the mother would have done somethinig earlier she could have stopped her son from becoming an addict.

Well.  The room started buzzing and our fearless leader then gave his (long and boring because we'd heard it so many times in the last three months) spiel on how addiction is a disease, etc. etc. etc.

After this we all assumed the woman would realize that
a) she didn't know what she was talking about
and
b) that she had insulted every parent in the room and caused most of the children to be very angry because they knew it was not their parents fault

But no....she said, "I disagree.  If that mom would have done x, y & z things would have turned out different".  I think I saw steam coming out of the ears of the guy who's mom she was talking about (the mom was not there).

So then all the addicts stared to speak up to defend their parents saying things like "there was nothing my parents could have done to change the outcome...."  Keven added his two cents too.

But she still insisted that parents are responsible for how their kids turn out and that HER three children (teens/20's) were fine because she was strict with them and would not let them get away with using drugs.

At this point we all gave up and I silently prayed that her kids would never be addicted because she would blame herself.

After group I had to say goodbye to a few people I'd never see again, it  was a bit sad.  I've seen quite a few come and go over the last three months and you get attached to some people after hearing such intimate details of their life, such raw emotions shared in our groups.

I overheard one mother telling Keven she was glad she had met him because he had totally changed her view of tattoos and plugs and would never judge a guy by his earrings again :)  Then she told me how impressed she was with him.  Needless to say, that meant a lot.

I said goodbye to a cute young girl that was my personal favorite of the group.  I say young - she's 29.  Anyhow I will miss her honesty and her enthusiasm.  I hope she makes it this time.

Keven moves out of his house on Tuesday.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara