I'm done being a mother. I've had it. Went to visit him tonight and he treated me like ____ the whole time. At one point he just got up and left the meeting, leaving me sitting there alone. Fortunately his counselor (a great guy) noticed and went and found him and told him to come back. I am 10% hurt and 90% angry. He does this to me whenever we're alone (my sis did not go with me tonight). After the meeting he said "you can go now" and I said, "see ya" but he did walk me out and we ended up talking, mostly him being negative and trying to make me feel bad. He takes his anger and hatred out on me and I won't tolerate it any more. Its like not even having a son. I really thought a lot of this was a result of drug use, but obviously it goes deeper since he's clean - but still mean.
He kept saying he's going to "run" and "you have to come get me or I'll go get high". I just looked at him and shook my head.
I don't want this post to upset anyone, I'm just venting and being sarcastic. Its obvious he has a lot more going on that needs to be addressed. At this point, I don't want him back in my house if he's going to be like this. I know I am to blame for some of his attitude of entitlement. I need to get help for my issues too.
My fantasy: having a husband (or any man will do) that would get in his face and say "DON'T YOU EVER DISRESPECT YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT AGAIN!"
11 comments:
wellll darnit.... I relate to so much and yet there still are no easy answers. For it to be JUST the drugs is so HIGHLY unlikely, addiction ALMOST always stems from other issues.
My opinion is that since he lacks coping skills, he expresses emotions in negative ways. Learning to live life (have values, self worth, function, self sufficency, etc.) is not the same as being clean.
Honey, YOU cannot do this work for him, nor can you rework the past. It is what it is, and he is going to have to realize that. He has the power to make choices that he is hoping you will somehow make for him, or even worse, he can blame you for.
You gotta let him stand on his own two feet.
I also understand the need for a man to set an example and teach a boy what is ok, and not, with his mom.
Doing it alone is tough stuff.
Men (Boys) can be master manipulators of women's emotions, and add the addiction card and well, your playing a real tough hand!
Be gentle with yourself and try to work your issues and let him work his.
Huge (((HUGS))) of understanding coming your way!
Shawna, you are so right on about all of this...all of it. I guess my deepest fear is that he is more messed up (mentally) than anyone realizes and he's not getting the help he needs. I can't tell how much is him being manipulative and how much is coming from fear, anger, etc. I know its not my fault but I feel like I have failed him in some way. I love my boy so much - but tonight I didn't like him. Yet, I know its not him....
Thank you for caring and for your words of wisdom, they are priceless to me. We have to catch up soon I need to tell you something.
Oh Barbara, do I know how this feels. I was a single mom for many years and even after marrying my husband, my son can still be very disrespectful to me. He knows how to push my buttons and it is usually his way of manipulating the situation to get the response/action he wants out of me. It is hard, but sometimes the anger brings about change in ourselves. I am praying for you:)
Hi Barbara. I am so sorry that K can't seem to be respectful to his own mother. From the other side, as an addict, I find that I lash out at the people I love the most. I'm finding that I act like this because I'm really mad at myself. I can't stand the person I am and the person I've become as a result of the drugs. It has nothing at all to do with them. I know it's difficult, but you need to just walk away when this happens. Eventually, it DOES register with the addict that they are being an ass.
My prayers for K to realize what he's doing and that he can accept himself and move past this point. And for you, I pray that you have the strength to deal with him until he gets there. Remember, take care of yourself first! Randy
I'm not sure how deep you can go analyzing the behavior of an addict. A very nice, educated, upstanding person can become mercilessly addicted to drugs. The problem is that, when you stop doing drugs, lots of new issues created by years of drug abuse hit you in the face. Does this mean you have underlying mental issues or that you now have to face exactly what you've done, which is very upsetting and makes you hate everyone and everything until you process the whole mess? All the mental gymnastics that play in an addicts head - the bad attitudes, the excuses, the weaknesses, the bitterness - all the things that let them think it's OK to do drugs - still run through their heads when the drugs are gone. They have to work their way out of this mental, emotional and financial pit. So, don't take anything personally. Trust that God is working in his life. You are not responsible for his choices. You don't ever have to be treated abusively. If he walks away or speaks abusively, tell him you're going to help someone who cares. Leave. Pray. Do something you think is fun. He is doing what addicts do - but that won't be forever. Believe the best for the future and let him stew alone today. You are important too.
((((Barbara))))
Sorry that you are being treated like this. K likely has many unresolved issues and since he cannot get high to avoid them as usual, he takes it out on you thinking you will react and somehow "fix" him. Stay away a couple of day to look after yourself, you deserve it.
Please forgive me for not responding to each of these comments individually....they are all so helpful, I rather spend the time reading them over and over.
I know you are all right about each nugget of info you shared.
I realized most of this, but still needed to hear it and be reminded of it. I was just so mad last night, had to vent.
I also know a husband/man would not necessarily change anything but I still want one :)
THANK YOU ALL. These comments are ones I need to come back to often.
Please forgive me for not responding to each of these comments individually....they are all so helpful, I rather spend the time reading them over and over.
I know you are all right about each nugget of info you shared.
I realized most of this, but still needed to hear it and be reminded of it. I was just so mad last night, had to vent.
I also know a husband/man would not necessarily change anything but I still want one :)
THANK YOU ALL. These comments are ones I need to come back to often.
It has taken my son forever to own up to his really bad behavior.. this year he has had me on the verge of tears as he has apologized to me many times for his bad behavior and thanked me for always being there for him. It has been healing for me in a very deep way.
My daughter is 25 (4 years younger than him) and hasn't got there yet.. but I am hopeful.
Guess I say that to say that I think that the journey that our kids take can be so hurtful to us their parents.. it sometimes takes everything in us to not chuck it all and hang in there with them.
Hang in there Barbara.. it is hard.. but you need to know that many of us know what you are going through and are rooting you on and celebrating the great woman and mom that you are!
Love and blessings, Bob
Thanks, Bob, for that hopeful encouragement. Its so easy for me to either blame myself or get so mad at him I just want to give up - but I never, ever will. And he knows that. He loves me too and I think he feels bad for making me feel bad but can't come to terms with it yet like your son. Someday.
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