Keven used.
Almost 6 months clean.
He will be kicked out of "United" and possibly out of Recovery Court.
He has not turned himself in yet.
I don't know where he is but I am begging him to turn himself in before this gets worse for him.
He said he has never regretted anything as much as this. He's been so happy. He feels terrible.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
Nothing much else to say.
P.S. Please "pray" for me (whatever that means to you). If Keven turns himself in I will support him by writing him in jail, visiting, putting some money on his books for essentials, letting him call home.
If he chooses not to --- I will not help him in any way, I will not do anything for him at all. I don't know if I am strong enough for that, but I know its the right thing to do in this situation,. I've done all I can for him the last three years. I have been told to turn my back on him but never did. But this time, if he chooses to run and not take responsibility, I will turn my back on him because I need to --- for myself and for his own good. Damn it I hate this life!!! I hate it. Things were GREAT. But, you know how it is: every day you know in the back of your mind that it can all come crashing down, and it often does.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
July 7, 2011
July 6, 2011
More Info on the Epidemic of Opiate Addiction and the Disease of Addiction
I found this article very interesting. It talks about how physicians are limited to treating only 30 patients at a time with Suboxone (or similar opiate blockers) while they can prescribe opiates as much as they want!
You can read it on Psych Central, here.
Another related post from that site, also by Dr. Junig, says ".... why addiction is best considered a disease or medical illness, showing that the characteristics of addiction that are similar to those of other chronic diseases. The fact that addiction is a disease is no revelation to anyone who works in the field, yet there seems to be a collective blind spot among physicians when it comes to treating addiction like other diseases." The rest can be read here.
Another related post from that site, also by Dr. Junig, says ".... why addiction is best considered a disease or medical illness, showing that the characteristics of addiction that are similar to those of other chronic diseases. The fact that addiction is a disease is no revelation to anyone who works in the field, yet there seems to be a collective blind spot among physicians when it comes to treating addiction like other diseases." The rest can be read here.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 5, 2011
Another Ant Update
Deep sigh.
Anthony went into Detox Sunday night.
He was kicked out within hours because he had a phone.
BUT....he took himself to UCI Medical Center and checked into their week long detox! For him, this is a positive step...he didn't go out on a binge, he chose to continue on his quest to get better.
Of course the other side of the coin is - why did he have a phone if he knew it could get him kicked out?
There is really no point to trying to figure out anything an addict does or says. You just sit back and watch, and pray, and hope for the best.
I swear I can see Keven going backwards in his responsibility and maturity since the girl is in the picture. I am not blaming her, I like her, I'm just saying, it takes his focus OFF recovery and puts it on "romance".
Its 9 pm...time to turn on my porch light in memory of Caylee.
No justice for this sweet little girl.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Anthony went into Detox Sunday night.
He was kicked out within hours because he had a phone.
BUT....he took himself to UCI Medical Center and checked into their week long detox! For him, this is a positive step...he didn't go out on a binge, he chose to continue on his quest to get better.
Of course the other side of the coin is - why did he have a phone if he knew it could get him kicked out?
There is really no point to trying to figure out anything an addict does or says. You just sit back and watch, and pray, and hope for the best.
I swear I can see Keven going backwards in his responsibility and maturity since the girl is in the picture. I am not blaming her, I like her, I'm just saying, it takes his focus OFF recovery and puts it on "romance".
Its 9 pm...time to turn on my porch light in memory of Caylee.
No justice for this sweet little girl.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 3, 2011
Not so great day
I'm exhausted.
Keven asked me if I could pick him and his gf up for his day pass, so I did and they hung out over here most of the day then went out to lunch. While he was gone, Anthony called with good news - a bed finally opened for him at the Detox located in the adjacent rehab that Kev is in. To make a long story short, I ended up doing his laundry for him and bringing it up there. He's been homeless for a month, so I felt doing his laundry was a nice gesture. So I sat there while they did his paperwork, I'm his emergency contact, he introduced me as his mom. I hope he does it this time but I've learned better than to get my hopes too high where he's concerned.
He has such a sweet baby face. I could see the desperation in his eyes. He said he really wants this. I hope so.
So then I drove back here, stopped for gas and (don't laugh!) drove off with the nozzle still in my gas tank! I ripped it off the pump. I stopped my car and set it aside and looked around (knowing I'd have to pay for it) no one saw me. I decided to be honest anyhow. $194.00!
Then I came home to let the dogs out before I went to my brother's for a BBQ and ended up letting one of the cats house. So now I am sitting here hoping he comes back in. No BBQ for me. Can't leave with Black Jack on the loose.
I just want to go to sleep. Keven seemed good, and now maybe Ant will get some help (they kept calling him Tony and I was wondering who the heck Tony was!). They probably won't see each other much, and I'm not too worried about that.
I just needed to vent.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Keven asked me if I could pick him and his gf up for his day pass, so I did and they hung out over here most of the day then went out to lunch. While he was gone, Anthony called with good news - a bed finally opened for him at the Detox located in the adjacent rehab that Kev is in. To make a long story short, I ended up doing his laundry for him and bringing it up there. He's been homeless for a month, so I felt doing his laundry was a nice gesture. So I sat there while they did his paperwork, I'm his emergency contact, he introduced me as his mom. I hope he does it this time but I've learned better than to get my hopes too high where he's concerned.
He has such a sweet baby face. I could see the desperation in his eyes. He said he really wants this. I hope so.
So then I drove back here, stopped for gas and (don't laugh!) drove off with the nozzle still in my gas tank! I ripped it off the pump. I stopped my car and set it aside and looked around (knowing I'd have to pay for it) no one saw me. I decided to be honest anyhow. $194.00!
Then I came home to let the dogs out before I went to my brother's for a BBQ and ended up letting one of the cats house. So now I am sitting here hoping he comes back in. No BBQ for me. Can't leave with Black Jack on the loose.
I just want to go to sleep. Keven seemed good, and now maybe Ant will get some help (they kept calling him Tony and I was wondering who the heck Tony was!). They probably won't see each other much, and I'm not too worried about that.
I just needed to vent.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 2, 2011
His First Day Pass
Tomorrow Keven gets his first all day pass to live "United". In all the previous rehabs he's been on, a day pass meant that I would pick him up, he'd spend the day with family and friends down here, then I'd take him back.
Not this time.
This time he is taking the bus with his new girlfriend and they are going to the movies, etc. etc.
I was excited that for once he didn't have a girl in his life. They say in the first year of recovery you should not get involved in a relationship and I think that's a wise suggestion. ESPECIALLY if both people are addicts and like the same drug.
There's nothing I can do about it, so I accept it. But it sure ramps up the worry a few notches. With relationships come emotions and with emotions come upsets and with upsets comes urges to use that are stronger than the day to day urges already being felt.
This girl is older, so maybe that will make a difference. I won't say how much older, I'm still trying to process that. Older women seem to like him for some reason. Sigh.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 1, 2011
"Parents Talk Heroin and Kids and Death"
Once again my thanks go out to Dave Whiting of The Orange County Register. After writing last week's article Dave was deeply touched by the stories he heard and realized the need to get the word out in our area. I've told him his articles may save lives. I wish I would have known I was not alone back in 2008 when I first discovered Keven was using. Eventually I met the parents who read here and without you, well, I honestly don't know how I would have made it through.
I hope that some parents in OC find my blog and introduce themselves, I would love to connect with them.
I am quoted in the article (you can read it here), and he also posted this photo. It was taken when Keven was being let out of jail for the first time and his PO was coming over to inspect his room. I had already searched his room and thrown out all the other paraphernalia (that's why there are no spoons in this photo) so ALL OF THIS was what he had hidden so deep I could not find it until he told me where to pull up the carpet, which pockets to look in, and a few other hidden places!!!
Sorry, I know this photo hurts to look at for some of you. I still feel uncomfortable when I see an empty balloon or any type of foil. Click to make photo larger.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
I hope that some parents in OC find my blog and introduce themselves, I would love to connect with them.
Welcome to anyone from OC!
I am quoted in the article (you can read it here), and he also posted this photo. It was taken when Keven was being let out of jail for the first time and his PO was coming over to inspect his room. I had already searched his room and thrown out all the other paraphernalia (that's why there are no spoons in this photo) so ALL OF THIS was what he had hidden so deep I could not find it until he told me where to pull up the carpet, which pockets to look in, and a few other hidden places!!!
Sorry, I know this photo hurts to look at for some of you. I still feel uncomfortable when I see an empty balloon or any type of foil. Click to make photo larger.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
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