Who is to blame?
I recently wrote about how angry and disgusted I was with Anthony. Since then my feelings have gone back to empathy and compassion several times, only to hear something that shot them right back up to anger and disbelief. I will spare you all the ugliness of what's he'd doing now.
The thing is, I really do love him and even though I have vowed to remove myself from his life I hope that by some miracle, he will turn his life around. I've done all I can, and he still says "no one cares, no one is helping me, poor me....." I find it very insulting to heart that - but more than that, I find it sad because at some level he probably believes it.
So the question on my mind today is, did he ever have hope? A kid raised by drug addicts/criminals who's spend more time incarcerated than free for the last 9 years? He's 23 but is he really? Did he ever have a chance to grow up and mature or did he just learn to survive?
Who's to blame? Its easy to say he made his own choices and he could have got off the drugs and earned an honest living. Those of us who love addicts know it doesn't make sense, its not a simple choice, its a gut-level commitment that involves moving forward, falling, getting back up and starting over.
Taking the drugs out of the equation completely - can we blame his mom for abandoning him to her meth addiction and dying when he was a young teen? Can we blame his dad for leaving him in a stolen car in hopes that he wouldn't be convicted of grand theft because he was only 16? (he was convicted, his first felony charge)
He has most of the characteristics of a psychopath which experts believe is caused by genetics, environment or both. So who is to blame?
Why do I feel a need to blame anyone? I guess because when I think of the photos of him as a boy, a cherubic face with a mischievous smile, my heart literally hurts. I am so angry at him for what he's done (and continues to do) recently because he's hurting others not just himself. But part of me wants to grab him and hold him and believe that my love can save him.
But of course, I know damn well, it can't.
P.S. Decided to check his Facebook page to see if he's been on there. I am filled with anger and "hate". I feel like deleting everything I just wrote about him. Maybe he really is evil? I give up. I hope he stays away from his 3 year old son and gives that poor kid a chance at a normal life.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
February 28, 2011
February 26, 2011
Davy Knowles - My Favorite Rising Star
After listening to the CD, "Roll Away" by "Davy Knowles and Back Door Slam", I emailed Davy's publicist to thank her. She told me some background on "the boys". I was shocked to learn that Davy was from the small island called "Isle of Man" and was only 21 years old! He didn't sound that young and his talent rivals my hero, Stevie Ray Vaughan (seriously). How could someone so young write these songs and play this music? I was an instant fan.
I started promoting Davy to all my music friends. I was interviewed on a radio station and asked to share three songs the listeners may not be familiar with. I chose an obscure U2 song, a song by a band I liked at the time and "Come Home" by Davy & BDS. The radio hosts are guys that make a career (literally, they are record producers) out of finding good new bands and they had never heard of these guys. They were impressed. (I have to admit I kind of liked the feeling I got when they thanked me because I was usually at the receiving end of new bands, I had never before "discovered" a group on my own!)
I have a great affection for Davy, he is such a nice young man. I had the privilege (thrill!) of being introduced to him a year later after watching him in concert. He is a doll! I also got to meet his manager and said to him "please, whatever you do, don't let fame get to his head and ruin him". (I felt this way about John Mayer when he first came out but he didn't stay humble for long...quite the opposite.)
So far so good, Davy is a funny, lovable kid off stage (Twitter) and a serious rock and blues guitarist/vocalist onstage. He is very appreciative of his fame and seems surprised every time he gets invited to do a tour or play a big gig somewhere. I think he'll be headed to Japan soon.
So anyhow, I'm sitting here listening to "my boy" and wishing he would come to California one of these days. I missed him last time he was here because of circumstances but next time - I'm going. (Lisa and Joy - go with me!!!!!)
I stuck a widget on my sidebar but it only has two songs. If you like Rockin' Blues guitar, check Davy out. You will thank me ;)
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
February 24, 2011
I Lost
Just found out I lost my unemployment appeal and will not be receiving benefits.
My former employer sent five people to lie to the judge, so it was five against one. I thought for sure he would recognize that they were lying but I guess not...numbers talk and there was no one I could call as a witness because they were all paid (in one way or another) to lie.
Life is not always fair.
I am officially freaked out over my finances and can't live on my credit cards much longer because they've all come close to the limit and no one will give me a higher limit because I have no income.
What does a person do in this situation? I am very, very fortunate to have a roof over my head and food to eat but won't be able to pay my bills much longer. Can they take me to jail? I've never not paid bills in my life.
I can't find a damn job. I am trying every single day. I am supporting not only myself but my son. What's he suppose to do when my credit runs out because he can't find a job either.
Not a happy day.
P.S. I am also getting discouraged at all the ads wanting someone "bi-lingual". I'd say at least half say bi-lingual preferred and some say its a must have. Who knew taking French rather than Spanish in high school would affect my future? Not me.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
My former employer sent five people to lie to the judge, so it was five against one. I thought for sure he would recognize that they were lying but I guess not...numbers talk and there was no one I could call as a witness because they were all paid (in one way or another) to lie.
Life is not always fair.
I am officially freaked out over my finances and can't live on my credit cards much longer because they've all come close to the limit and no one will give me a higher limit because I have no income.
What does a person do in this situation? I am very, very fortunate to have a roof over my head and food to eat but won't be able to pay my bills much longer. Can they take me to jail? I've never not paid bills in my life.
I can't find a damn job. I am trying every single day. I am supporting not only myself but my son. What's he suppose to do when my credit runs out because he can't find a job either.
Not a happy day.
P.S. I am also getting discouraged at all the ads wanting someone "bi-lingual". I'd say at least half say bi-lingual preferred and some say its a must have. Who knew taking French rather than Spanish in high school would affect my future? Not me.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
February 23, 2011
Is Your State Smoke Free?
California banned smoking in public places back in 1995. You can't smoke within a certain number of feet of any public place. Its not allowed at beaches, parks, etc. But its not that big of a deal because no one around here smokes much!
The majority of smokers around here are the young people** and people in recovery. Keven started smoking in recovery because out of 90 residents at Phoenix House he was the ONLY ONE that didn't smoke.
And then there are the people like my aunt, who's been smoking for over 50 years and isn't going to quit any time soon.
In the summer of 2009 I spent some time in Wisconsin and it shocked me that people could smoke in restaurants! It was so weird, I was so accustomed to smoking been looked upon as a gross disgusting habit that it amazed me that people would do such a thing in public (I was smoking myself back then, but not much). If you smoke around here you are looked down upon (at least in my area).
ANYHOW all that to say I noticed New York is jumping on the smoke free bandwagon and was wondering what YOUR STATE does about smoking? Is it taboo? Is it something to be hide behind closed doors? Is it done in public? Is it banned?
**The other day we were discussing how to get kids/teens to not try drugs but we still haven't figured out to get them to not smoke. Its the kids that think smoking is cool that seem to be the same ones that pick up the drugs.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
February 22, 2011
I Have A Good Heart
Short Story: Had my heart checked out today and it passed.
Long Story: I don't go to the doctor unless I absolutely have to. I've been ignoring chest pains for months because I diagnosed the problem as "stress". Last week they intensified and I got kind of scared so went to my dr. who scared me further by insisting I go to the ER. I refused but did agree to a treadmill test today and my heart was good. Its stress related.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Long Story: I don't go to the doctor unless I absolutely have to. I've been ignoring chest pains for months because I diagnosed the problem as "stress". Last week they intensified and I got kind of scared so went to my dr. who scared me further by insisting I go to the ER. I refused but did agree to a treadmill test today and my heart was good. Its stress related.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
February 21, 2011
Some People Can't Be Helped
I am not the type to give up hope and think of someone as a "lost cause", but sometimes its necessary, its called for, its the right thing to do.
I'm referring to Anthony. I won't go into what he did (and it has nothing to do with Keven) but I will say it involves violence, stealing, endangering others and making a half-hearted suicide attempt. Right now he's in the hospital, he was dropped off there early this morning by his now former girlfriend, she left him and said he attempted suicide but apparently he is asking to leave because he just called and asked me for a ride.
I said one word, "no". He hung up on me. I will call the cops if he comes to my house. I do have a few more of his belongings which I will be dropping off at his grandparents this afternoon.
Its sad but my prediction is that he will either be in and out of prison the rest of his life, or, the rest of his life will be a very short period of time. He's a psychopath, a sociopath. He is not just an addict, it goes far beyond that.
I'm aware that most addicts exhibit many traits of a psychopath/sociopath and a narcissist, but he embodies every trait to the extreme. I believe he's a danger to society and you won't here much about him from here on out because I have finally and forever given up on him.
I feel bad for his brother and his grandparents and I think his 3 year old son is much better off never knowing his father.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
I'm referring to Anthony. I won't go into what he did (and it has nothing to do with Keven) but I will say it involves violence, stealing, endangering others and making a half-hearted suicide attempt. Right now he's in the hospital, he was dropped off there early this morning by his now former girlfriend, she left him and said he attempted suicide but apparently he is asking to leave because he just called and asked me for a ride.
I said one word, "no". He hung up on me. I will call the cops if he comes to my house. I do have a few more of his belongings which I will be dropping off at his grandparents this afternoon.
Its sad but my prediction is that he will either be in and out of prison the rest of his life, or, the rest of his life will be a very short period of time. He's a psychopath, a sociopath. He is not just an addict, it goes far beyond that.
I'm aware that most addicts exhibit many traits of a psychopath/sociopath and a narcissist, but he embodies every trait to the extreme. I believe he's a danger to society and you won't here much about him from here on out because I have finally and forever given up on him.
I feel bad for his brother and his grandparents and I think his 3 year old son is much better off never knowing his father.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
February 20, 2011
Idioms
Do you ever wonder why we use some of the phrases we use? I just looked one up so decided to share a few others I found:
Close, but no cigar:
Carnival games of skill, particularly shooting games, once gave out cigars as a prize. A contestant that did not quite hit the target was close, but did not get a cigar.
Dead as a door nail:
Nails were once hand tooled and costly. When an aging cabin or barn was torn down the valuable nails would be salvaged so they could be reused in later construction.
When building a door however, carpenters often drove the nail through then bent it over the other end so it couldn't work its way out during the repeated opening and closing of the door. When it came time to salvage the building, these door nails were considered useless, or "dead" because of the way they were bent.
High on the hog:
The best meat is on the upper portion of the pig. Rich people have always been afforded this luxury while the servants, slaves and poor have always had to eat pig's feet, chitterlings, cracklings, etc. - low on the hog.
Let the cat out of the bag:
At medieval markets, unscrupulous traders would display a pig for sale. However, the pig was always given to the customer in a bag, with strict instructions not to open the bag until they were some way away. The trader would hand the customer a bag containing something that wriggled, and it was only later that the buyer would find he'd been conned when he opened the bag to reveal that it contained a cat, not a pig. Therefore, "letting the cat out of the bag" revealed the secret of the con trick.
Mind your P's and Q's:
Comes from the early pub days when beer and ale was served in pint and quart containers. The tab was kept on a chalkboard used to count the pints and quarts consumed. To watch your Ps and Qs is to control your alcoholic intake and behavior.
Sleep tight:
Before box springs were in use, old bed frames used rope pulled tightly between the frame rails to support a mattress. If the rope became loose, the mattress would sag making for uncomfortable sleeping. Tightening the ropes would help one get a good night sleep.
With a grain of salt:
Salt is now an inexpensive and readily available commodity. But it was once very valuable due to its high demand as a food preservative and relative scarcity.
Salt was thought to have healing properties and to be an antidote to poisons. To take (eat or drink) something "with a grain of salt" was to practice preventive medicine. One would do this if they were suspicious that the food might be poisonous or may cause illness.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Close, but no cigar:
Carnival games of skill, particularly shooting games, once gave out cigars as a prize. A contestant that did not quite hit the target was close, but did not get a cigar.
Dead as a door nail:
Nails were once hand tooled and costly. When an aging cabin or barn was torn down the valuable nails would be salvaged so they could be reused in later construction.
When building a door however, carpenters often drove the nail through then bent it over the other end so it couldn't work its way out during the repeated opening and closing of the door. When it came time to salvage the building, these door nails were considered useless, or "dead" because of the way they were bent.
High on the hog:
The best meat is on the upper portion of the pig. Rich people have always been afforded this luxury while the servants, slaves and poor have always had to eat pig's feet, chitterlings, cracklings, etc. - low on the hog.
Let the cat out of the bag:
At medieval markets, unscrupulous traders would display a pig for sale. However, the pig was always given to the customer in a bag, with strict instructions not to open the bag until they were some way away. The trader would hand the customer a bag containing something that wriggled, and it was only later that the buyer would find he'd been conned when he opened the bag to reveal that it contained a cat, not a pig. Therefore, "letting the cat out of the bag" revealed the secret of the con trick.
Mind your P's and Q's:
Comes from the early pub days when beer and ale was served in pint and quart containers. The tab was kept on a chalkboard used to count the pints and quarts consumed. To watch your Ps and Qs is to control your alcoholic intake and behavior.
Sleep tight:
Before box springs were in use, old bed frames used rope pulled tightly between the frame rails to support a mattress. If the rope became loose, the mattress would sag making for uncomfortable sleeping. Tightening the ropes would help one get a good night sleep.
With a grain of salt:
Salt is now an inexpensive and readily available commodity. But it was once very valuable due to its high demand as a food preservative and relative scarcity.
Salt was thought to have healing properties and to be an antidote to poisons. To take (eat or drink) something "with a grain of salt" was to practice preventive medicine. One would do this if they were suspicious that the food might be poisonous or may cause illness.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
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