Who is to blame?
I recently wrote about how angry and disgusted I was with Anthony. Since then my feelings have gone back to empathy and compassion several times, only to hear something that shot them right back up to anger and disbelief. I will spare you all the ugliness of what's he'd doing now.
The thing is, I really do love him and even though I have vowed to remove myself from his life I hope that by some miracle, he will turn his life around. I've done all I can, and he still says "no one cares, no one is helping me, poor me....." I find it very insulting to heart that - but more than that, I find it sad because at some level he probably believes it.
So the question on my mind today is, did he ever have hope? A kid raised by drug addicts/criminals who's spend more time incarcerated than free for the last 9 years? He's 23 but is he really? Did he ever have a chance to grow up and mature or did he just learn to survive?
Who's to blame? Its easy to say he made his own choices and he could have got off the drugs and earned an honest living. Those of us who love addicts know it doesn't make sense, its not a simple choice, its a gut-level commitment that involves moving forward, falling, getting back up and starting over.
Taking the drugs out of the equation completely - can we blame his mom for abandoning him to her meth addiction and dying when he was a young teen? Can we blame his dad for leaving him in a stolen car in hopes that he wouldn't be convicted of grand theft because he was only 16? (he was convicted, his first felony charge)
He has most of the characteristics of a psychopath which experts believe is caused by genetics, environment or both. So who is to blame?
Why do I feel a need to blame anyone? I guess because when I think of the photos of him as a boy, a cherubic face with a mischievous smile, my heart literally hurts. I am so angry at him for what he's done (and continues to do) recently because he's hurting others not just himself. But part of me wants to grab him and hold him and believe that my love can save him.
But of course, I know damn well, it can't.
P.S. Decided to check his Facebook page to see if he's been on there. I am filled with anger and "hate". I feel like deleting everything I just wrote about him. Maybe he really is evil? I give up. I hope he stays away from his 3 year old son and gives that poor kid a chance at a normal life.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
6 comments:
It is hard for the leopard to shed its spots. It may very well be that Anthony has a mental disorder that makes it difficult for him to feel regret or to reach out. He also may just be a selfish user who suffers from being terminally unique. I think it is not so important to wonder what causes addiction/alcoholism but what the person is going to do to get better. Are they entirely willing to have a new life? Do they really want that new life?
If you choose to be a rescuer then you need to understand your boundaries and limits. Firemen do not risk themselves or their partners to rescue someone that may be gone already.
Only you can decide what role you want or if you want a role. But do not go someplace where you assume more risk than the person you are rescuing.
Syd, he does not want a new life. End of story. You are right about what you said.
Dad, no way do I want to rescue him. I spent several years loving him and encouraging him but that was my choice. Now I choose to let him go. Its hard, that's why it helps to write about it. Actually after seeing what he has on his FB page its not hard at all, its easy.
This sounds so much like my son-in-law. Raised in institutions and now in prison for 17 years...the system says he is a lost cause. I still pray for him. Its all I can do.
Where there is life, there is always hope. I've sat in the rooms of NA and heard stories from addicts that would make our kids (addicts) look like amatures...the stories of their lives in addiction and finally recovery, many with substantial years of sobriety,is what convinced me that the only lost cause is the one that no longer breathes. I continue to pray for Kevin and Anthony every day along with all of our children.
Barbara...take a look at the video I just posted on my blog. This goes back to the big and beautiful post. Adele, singing and wearing a "moo', I think its called. She is still beautiful.
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