Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I just had to put another post here....

Keven has over 40 days clean right now.
This has not happened for at least a year or more.

His attitude, demeanor, outlook on life - have all changed.

He's the son I knew I was buried under the addiction, and for now he is back.

So, there is HOPE.

I am not naive enough to think this is the end of his journey, it doesn't really end.  He is going to meetings, getting counseling, etc.  It could be the end of him using heroin and other drugs...or it may not be.

For now, I am enjoying each and every second of his clear-headed thinking, sweet personality and enthusiastic attitude.

I miss writing about it.  I know there are people out there that have been touched or helped by this blog and that means THE WORLD to me.  I may still write here now and then, just don't tell my therapist!  ;)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Goodbye Heroin Letter

Today I was going to write about my son's "love affair" with heroin.  Then I saw this letter which was published by this girl's parents after she died, only a month after writing it.  The article about it is  here.

When Keven talks about heroin, its as if he's talking about an old friend, or a lost love that he misses.  Hearing him talk that way concerns me, but it also helps me understand a bit more of what he's fighting against. This letter says so much.  I am so sorry this young woman lost the battle.  How many more will die?  I can't stand it.  Something has to change.

Question:  Do you think if teens were to read a letter like this one that it would stop them from trying it that first time?

Hannah

Goodbye Heroin, by 17-year-old Hannah Meredith.

 Dear Heroin,

I never want to touch you ever again, you've ruined my life, made me steal from my family, on probation 'cause of you, why I choose you I don't know?
You're the worst thing that ever came into my life. Yes, I did love you but now it's time to say goodbye.
I'm so ashamed of myself 'cause of you. I OD three times, you're a big risk to anyone that does it and to me.
So I'm going to be strong and stay away from you and never touch you again. My family have supported me all the way but I just kick them up the backside taking advantage of them.
Stole off my mother, granddad, Mam Iscoed. I borrowed money off her and didn't give it back. She's getting old now, and look what you've made me do, my nan — £120 stolen off her, once again 'cause of you.
I love my family from the bottom of my heart, it's not nice being called a junkie or smacked.
It feels horrible, you feel so small. Well I feel small, you made me feel like I'm worth nothing, just a dirty junkie sticking needles in my arms.
You're out of my life now, don't need you no more. Yeah, you've messed me up nearly two and a half years of my life but I've still got my whole life ahead of me and I'm going to prove to everyone that I can stay away from you, going to college, getting a job and a car.
Then get on with my life and get my family's trust back. Stop offending, that's the only reason I was doing all that 'cause of your dirty addiction. You make me sick to be honest with you.
I did love the buzz of you but you're not worth it. By losing my family, thinking about you p****s me off.
But not anymore, I'll make sure you stay away from me, and I'll stay away from you.
I was brought up by a good family not a bad one, yeah I've had a lot of problems in my life, been quite bad actually, all because of you (Heroin) (gear), (smack)!!
You're a killer, you've killed a lot of people and really they are good people. I'm lucky that you haven't put me in a box cemetery. Lost loads of my mates and it hurts me, they sometimes blank me 'cause they know I've been on you (gear) it's not nice when I've got pin holes in my arms and marks, track marks.
The illness that I go through when I use you and the after effects, cold turkey, clucking (corr), withdrawals, it's the worst feeling that you've put me through, being bad off you.
Wanted to kill myself a few times 'cause I couldn't go through it. Well guess what (heroin) I can and did do it. I can beat you anytime. I can control you, you don't control me.
I've got enough will power to get you out of my life for good. I'm strong and much stronger than you can ever be. I'm not losing anything over you. Goodbye heroin.
Never again. Family comes first.
Hannah Meredith

My New Blog

Hi!

I stopped writing here  but still care and pray for all the parents and addicts who faithfully read this blog for years.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

A Little Update

Still haven't gotten around to starting a new blog, and to be honest, I think if I do it won't be about this topic.  My life has been consumed with heroin/cocaine addiction for four years, I need to resurface, the real me, before its too late.  Having only one child. no husband/SO few "in person" friends and a boring job has probably added to the fact that I am so enmeshed with my son and his addiction.

Speaking of the boy - I won't bother telling you the latest drama (its tempting because it was pretty wild), I'll just hit the bottom line:  He's at a Recovery Ranch in another county.  He was in the cardiac unit of a hospital recently and has suffered heart damage from his drug use.  Another reason to stop now - before its serious.

I will keep reading your blogs, and commenting if I have something to add, and of course praying for you and your loved ones, and for you if you are the addict - some of my favorite readers :)

I'm just wiped out.  I need me time.  I'm depressed at the moment, but hopefully will be coming out of that soon.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I'll be back....

The time has come for me to shut down this blog and start a new one in order to protect my son's privacy.  When I started this blog several years ago he gave me his permission to write about his addiction.  He's seen how much its helped me over the years.  Now it feels way too personal.

Once I figure out a new blog, I will put the link to it here.  On the new blog, I will pick up where I left off, but Keven will be known by K from now on (dang, I wish I would have done that at the beginning but I didn't think anyone would actually read my blog).

Before I start a new blog, I am going to catch up on all yours blogs.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

You WILL Believe This

I wanted to title this:  You Won't .Believe This, but its not really all that surprising.

First, thank you for all the comments (except the one from Anonymous who loves to jump at any chance to try and make me feel bad, others may say the same but from a place of concern and experience not of judging me for being an enabler).  Anyhow, as hard as it is to hear, I do appreciate the comments.  You must feel like you're saying the same thing over and over, but I do hear it and I do get it!  I promise!

Second, I'd like to point out that I write from the heart, I am a feeler more than a thinker.  I don't plan anything that comes flying off my fingers onto the screen.  And I am not a literal person AT ALL (I used to drive my friend Lenni insane because she was so literal and if I said something like 'I've seen that movie ten times' meaning 'I don't want to see it again' she would want to know why I bothered seeing it ten times, who I went with, etc. etc.)

o when I say "I don't know what to do" I am expressing a feeling, not a thought.  I do know what to do, as little as possible (I am not at the do nothing point, but I am doing only what I feel comfortable with).I  think I've been stronger and able to let go more recently - maybe it doesn't show outwardly but I know how I feel and think inside.  I also know I am a work in PROGRESS, far from being perfect, but doing my best every day with every decision.

So - here's the latest.  I actually hope this is my last post about Keven for awhile, I'd like to write about some other things that have been on my mind.

I left him alone in the hospital yesterday for an hour or so.  When I got back he had checked himself out Against Medical Advice and had made arrangements to go to an awesome place called Woodglen (detox and recovery - free).  I'd been telling him about that place for awhile because of its great reputation, I guess he finally decided to call.

So, pissed off as I was that he checked himself out knowing  he may have a heart issue, I drove him to the detox and dropped him off.  The people I met there were so nice and they warmly welcomed him.  He gave me his cell phone and wallet and I left.

This morning I get a call at 5:30 am from the Fullerton police dept. (famous for killing that homeless man last year) and they said Keven had fallen into a steep ravine on the side of the road.  To make a long story shorter, they tried taking him back to the detox but they wouldn't let him back in.  Woodglen did talk to him and he said he'd go to the Salvation Army (yeah, right).  The police didn't want to release him on his own!  So yes, I drove up there, picked him up and headed for Salvation Army.

You know what happens next, right?  He says he rather go to Charle Street (a well known free detox for alcoholics)  I told him I had to get to work and I would drop him off wherever he wanted as long as I was not late and it was heading in the right direction of my office.

I pulled over in Costa Mesa, dropped him off with his backpack and $7.00.  He knows not to call me (but will he?)  He knows he may not make it (so do I) but of course, I hope he does.  I don't know how he was going to get to Charle Street but he has two legs and it was only about 5 - 6 miles.

One thing I find interesting is that he doesn't know WHY he left the detox.  He left wearing his t-shirt, pajama bottoms they gave him and slippers...nothing else.  He says he didn't know WHY he did that but its the second time he got up in the middle of the night and left a place that he liked.  (I had to pay for the pajama bottoms cause they were ripped to shreds from him falling - he's lucky he didn't get hurt).  I didn't mind paying $15 because they were so cool.  One of the ladies that works there gave me her mom's number and said "my mom was you, call her, she lives by you!".  So I will.

Thanks for your concern, prayers and good thoughts.  I'm stepping out of the way, again.

I still think out of state is a great idea, we'll see what happens next.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara