You WILL Believe This

I wanted to title this:  You Won't .Believe This, but its not really all that surprising.

First, thank you for all the comments (except the one from Anonymous who loves to jump at any chance to try and make me feel bad, others may say the same but from a place of concern and experience not of judging me for being an enabler).  Anyhow, as hard as it is to hear, I do appreciate the comments.  You must feel like you're saying the same thing over and over, but I do hear it and I do get it!  I promise!

Second, I'd like to point out that I write from the heart, I am a feeler more than a thinker.  I don't plan anything that comes flying off my fingers onto the screen.  And I am not a literal person AT ALL (I used to drive my friend Lenni insane because she was so literal and if I said something like 'I've seen that movie ten times' meaning 'I don't want to see it again' she would want to know why I bothered seeing it ten times, who I went with, etc. etc.)

o when I say "I don't know what to do" I am expressing a feeling, not a thought.  I do know what to do, as little as possible (I am not at the do nothing point, but I am doing only what I feel comfortable with).I  think I've been stronger and able to let go more recently - maybe it doesn't show outwardly but I know how I feel and think inside.  I also know I am a work in PROGRESS, far from being perfect, but doing my best every day with every decision.

So - here's the latest.  I actually hope this is my last post about Keven for awhile, I'd like to write about some other things that have been on my mind.

I left him alone in the hospital yesterday for an hour or so.  When I got back he had checked himself out Against Medical Advice and had made arrangements to go to an awesome place called Woodglen (detox and recovery - free).  I'd been telling him about that place for awhile because of its great reputation, I guess he finally decided to call.

So, pissed off as I was that he checked himself out knowing  he may have a heart issue, I drove him to the detox and dropped him off.  The people I met there were so nice and they warmly welcomed him.  He gave me his cell phone and wallet and I left.

This morning I get a call at 5:30 am from the Fullerton police dept. (famous for killing that homeless man last year) and they said Keven had fallen into a steep ravine on the side of the road.  To make a long story shorter, they tried taking him back to the detox but they wouldn't let him back in.  Woodglen did talk to him and he said he'd go to the Salvation Army (yeah, right).  The police didn't want to release him on his own!  So yes, I drove up there, picked him up and headed for Salvation Army.

You know what happens next, right?  He says he rather go to Charle Street (a well known free detox for alcoholics)  I told him I had to get to work and I would drop him off wherever he wanted as long as I was not late and it was heading in the right direction of my office.

I pulled over in Costa Mesa, dropped him off with his backpack and $7.00.  He knows not to call me (but will he?)  He knows he may not make it (so do I) but of course, I hope he does.  I don't know how he was going to get to Charle Street but he has two legs and it was only about 5 - 6 miles.

One thing I find interesting is that he doesn't know WHY he left the detox.  He left wearing his t-shirt, pajama bottoms they gave him and slippers...nothing else.  He says he didn't know WHY he did that but its the second time he got up in the middle of the night and left a place that he liked.  (I had to pay for the pajama bottoms cause they were ripped to shreds from him falling - he's lucky he didn't get hurt).  I didn't mind paying $15 because they were so cool.  One of the ladies that works there gave me her mom's number and said "my mom was you, call her, she lives by you!".  So I will.

Thanks for your concern, prayers and good thoughts.  I'm stepping out of the way, again.

I still think out of state is a great idea, we'll see what happens next.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara