The last few weeks have been rough. Maybe I've said that before. I never go back and read what I've already written and sometimes I just forget. Tonight I just need to ramble a bit so I can empty my mind before going to sleep.
Tomorrow is court and the most likely outcome is that he will have one month left at Cornerstone in "Extended Care" which means pretty much groups and meetings day and night. They lowered the price for the month to something that my dear mother was able to come up with.
I feel so much guilt at the amount of money my sister and mother have invested in Keven's recovery. They love him so much, he's lived his entire life in this house with them. There were times when I resented living here but I stuck it out in order to work part-time during his early childhood years right up to Jr. High. My mom was always here when I was at work looking after him.
After this last month we have to figure out what to do next. The judge is not going to let him come home and frankly, I don't want him to yet. If I get a job I can afford to pay his rent at a sober living....IF I get a job. I would still have very little money to live on but I'm used to that.
Please, don't anyone suggest that Keven get a job. It sounds so simple, but he's been evaluated by a vocational rehab and they don't feel his stable enough to be employable so I've told him not to worry about a job at the moment - just focus on recovery.
How did this happen to my intelligent, strong, good hearted boy? The anxiety and depression was there before the drugs....and most likely influenced his decision to use drugs in the first place....but, where does that leave him now. I see the look in his eyes, that fearful look. Frankly it bothers me more than the blank pinpointed look.
I have to get some sleep. I want to think positive. I want something good to happen in my life. I want to live again and not merely exist or survive.
I'm really kind of a mess.
14 comments:
It is so hard to detach. Thank you for the comment you left. Of course we still have a connection. I think of yo all the time. Keven needs to treat what the H changed in his brain as well as the chemical imbalance that causes his anxiety. The wrong psych meds can be even more dangerous than the H in my opinion. Keep advocating for him, believing in him, and reassure him that there is the right combination of legal drugs that can assist him through his recovery from H and stabilize him. I hold you both so close to my heart. I just know- what I have learned from you sharing your experience, has made a profound difference in my recognizing things with my son.
You are amazing and I have faith in you and Keven.
((((HUGS))))
Barbara - I pray that you find peace through this. What helps me is to focus on the positive...you've got a wonderful family that helps...you're intelligent, creative and warm hearted...you've got food, shelter, etc. and you don't live in Japan right now.
I believe everything works out...especially if we can keep peace in our head/heart!
Barbara:
I have been reading your blog for awhile but have never commented. My addicted son is also 20 and I have related to your postings. This is so hard. Some days I can get thru the day fairly well, and others are not so good. I have trouble late at night and problems getting up and moving in the morning. When I feel the lowest, I thank God for taking care of my son and I ask him to keep my son safe. I will be thinking about you and praying for you and Keven. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps more people than you know.
Shawna, thanks for your encouragement and validation and wisdom and friendship.
Sherry, Thanks so much for your prayers. I believe staying positive is so important, I try to get to that place every day and sometimes I just don't. But I am constantly grateful because I'm very aware of how fortunate I am in so many ways.
C2B, wow, thanks so much for your comment. I really needed to hear that. I have a list of all the people I know who are dealing with this and am adding you and your son so I can pray for you too. Yes, its hard. And its hard for other people to understand how hard it is...I'm so grateful for this community.
Barbara I really feel for you. You and your family have been a circle of support for Keven all his life. However, you really need to find some help outside of your circle. Is there any resources and support you can tap into? In Canada you would have many things to turn to such as employment counselling, training and welfare. Maybe there's help available if you search.
Been there, done that, over and over again. You will feel better when you get some sleep and have a little fun. There are good moments amidst the chaos.
It may be time to look at food stamps. They will also get you some job training for a field that actually needs people if you go over there and apply.
I wish we lived closer to each other. We would be quite the pair! The only thing I can tell you is things will change, that I can guarantee and sometimes I need to hang on to that for dear life. Circumstance will get better...that is fact. Just hold on for the ride...it has to be over soon.
I'm not dealing with depression now, but I have in the past, and remember clearly what it felt like. I'm sorry you've been feeling that way,...but I do know, like Midnitefyrfly said,...it can be helped with the right level of what's needed for your brain. It just does have to be correct to feel well.
You know how I care about you, as so many of us do.
Blessings and hugs to you there from me. Feel better.
I hope you feel better...remember that tomorrow's a brand new day. Kevin has made some significant progress from when I first came into this community about a year ago now. It takes time and healing. Keeping you, Kevin and Anthony in prayer.
It seems so hard what you are going through. Its almost like there has to be some detachment so that you yourself can bloom. but more time for yourself means less for him... hard decisions...
cadan
Take care Barbara. Thinking of you. Keep hope in your heart.
Barbara:
If we can get together and maybe watch a funny movie or have a nice meal, I would love to do so. You need a moment of relaxation because it does help you to feel better. Keven is improving, and there are ups and downs, but sometimes the downs feel bigger than the ups. Hang in there my friend. And let's get together soon and find something to laugh out loud at!
A therapist told me my son needed to work on getting sober (about 1 1/2 yrs ago) NOT getting a job.
He sounds so much like yours and mine is 20 also. B applied for Food Stamps and got them (I think $130.00 per month he wouldn't tell us.) They also gave him some bus tokens and I think if he went back with all the information they give them a small check too (I heard $120.00 per month) B may not qualify because he was selling drugs and that is different then just using. It is called the General Relief fund - he won't get them next month because we won't take him since he is using again, I don't feel he should have them. If he can use he can eat should he want and frankly he will just trade the card for cash or drugs anyway.
If they have any money in their bank account they do not qualify. I also believe they have to be homeless but have an address to pick up their check so he gave mine.
Do you live in California? Maybe since Lisa C lives kind of near me - we should all get together Lisa is right you need some time out. We all do.
OH, I just lost my comment to you.
I am so tired now. I will just say, since I lost all those words, that I wish you much healing and peace.
I am so sorry things are so hard.
I certainly understand. I really really do!
With love,
Michelle.
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