Facing His Sentence

The other day I wrote about how I'm doing all the right things - taking one day at a time, accepting the things I can't change, yada yada yada.  Although all of that is true, its in my HEAD.  My HEART is a different story.  I am a bit emotional at the thought of him locked up for an extended period of time.

Tomorrow Keven faces Judge L. one last time (unless she wants him to think even longer about his decision).  I will not be there.  Its not that I don't support him in this, he just wants to be there on his own two feet (which will be shackled, but that's beside the point, right?).

His decision is to "opt out" of the wonderful, awesome court program he's been in for the last year and a half.  When I share about this court program (Opportunity Court/Recovery Court) the response I most often hear is "I wish my son, daughter, loved one could be in a court like that".

The prerequisite to be assigned to this court is that a) you must be an alcoholic/addict, b) you must be under psychiatric care for your mental health issues (bipolar is common among addicts, as are depression and anxiety); you must have a drug felony, you must NOT have any violent offenses.

The pay off is that after completing the program (which could take anywhere from 18 months to 3 years) your felony is dropped as if it never existed AND you are drug free and correctly medicated.

I've watched many graduate from this program.  The least likely to get through it are the young males.  Keven has some peers that are making it, and some that dropped out, and one that died while in the program (OD, his friend Gilberto).

Each individual is different.  For some the accountability, structure and penalties are very motivating and just what the person needs to get them going in the right direction.  I wish Keven were like that.  He's not.

If you've read this blog long you will know that he has panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.  Because of that he will wake up filled with worry that is not based on reality.  Even if there is nothing to provoke his anxiety, most days he senses pending doom.  His biggest and constant worry during the last year and a half is that he is going to do something wrong to get himself kicked out of the program.

Those of you who read here probably also know that he has done PLENTY wrong!  But, if you take all the days counted that he did something wrong (curfew, drinking, using, driving) and all the days he did everything right - the good days far outweigh the bad.  Yet internally he lived each day waiting to be caught for something even when he did NOTHING wrong that day.

That's why they call it mental illness, his mind is ill and doesn't work like a healthy mind.

So if he opts out he's looking at jail and/or prison time and a felony on his record for life.  He will no longer have a program to be accountable to.  He will no longer have the threat of jail if he fails a drug test because there will be no more drug tests.

All of this scares me, but its not my problem.  My only part in this is to stand firm if he uses again and kick his ass out immediately.  I will call the cops if I have to, I have no fear of that, done it before will do it again.

He wants to get a job, go to school and go to an outpatient program three days a week, plus meetings, plus individual counseling plus get a sponsor.

If he does all that, he has a good chance. IF he does ALL of that.  We'll see.

In the meantime I am trying not to think of how hard it will be not to be able to hug him for a really long time.

(PS just a reminder, he knows about this blog and is okay with me airing his issues in public.  He says if its helping people he's all for it).