When Being Loved is Painful....

Tonight was a great night because....(drum roll) I got to meet one of the special friends I've made on these blogs!  Her Big Sad (I don't think she ever used her real name on her blog so I won't use it here) and I met at a very cool recovery group at her church.  I also got to meet her wonderful daughter and "Le Boyfriend".  It was wonderful.  I knew HBS would be easy to be around, she's down to earth, fun and sweet and of course we have lots in common (including Chiweenies).  She's someone I could talk with for hours.   And her daughter, who'd I "met" via letters and emails, is precious, beautiful and fun.  I can't wait to see them both again.

Now for something more personal.  Sadly this tattoo on Keven's chest makes the perfect illustration for what I am going to share.



Tonight we heard  a speaker, a therapist who specializes in addiction, and he was interesting.  One thing he said kind of punched me in the stomach because I related to it so well.  Its something I was aware of about myself, but had never really heard anyone describe as he did.  Its probably the biggest area of pain in my life, aside from the pain of watching my son struggle with addiction.

He was talking about how sometimes receiving love is painful.  I knew exactly what he meant.  He used an example of a friend coming up to you when you're going through a rough time, putting their hand on your shoulder and saying "I love you".  Rather than feeling comforted or loved, you feel like you have to change the subject, diffuse the moment, ignore what the person just said.

But why?  Because it hurts to be loved unconditionally when you are unfamiliar with it, when it feels "too good to be true" or if you believe its undeserved.  I have struggled with that all my life but didn't know WHY until tonight.

He said for him, its because its a reminder of all the times in life when we weren't unconditionally loved by the people in our lives that were "suppose" to love us that way, such as parents and/or partners.  So when someone says "I love you", even if we believe they are sincere, it feels painful, its not natural for us to so easily accept it and it hurts to remember all the times we DIDN'T hear it.

One incident in my life came to mind as he shared that.  It was such a simple thing but had such a profound affect on me.  I was at a work function, an outdoor BBQ at the beach, lots of fun, games, laughter.  When it was time to leave one of my close work friends hugged me and said "I love you so much!" and she walked away.  I went to my car and broke down crying and had a mini panic attack!  I was shocked by my own reaction to her words, I was seriously upset and found myself wishing she wouldn't have said it.

I then realized that the problem was, I loved her too, and I valued her love - and the fact that she said she loved me scared the hell out of me because suddenly I felt like surely any day now she would realize how unlovable I was and that would be the end of our friendship.  I have tears in my eyes just remembering it.  How crazy is that?  (btw, this happened over ten years ago and we are closer than ever even though we don't work together anymore).

I grew up feeling unlovable.  I felt that one of my parents didn't love me, the other did but was not around much to show me any love.  I can remember so many times hearing things or having things said to my face that said to my young ears "you're not the daughter I want, you're a burden, I wish I could get rid of you and just keep your younger brother and sister".  Of course those words were never said, but they were felt by me.

The experiences I had growing up were so different from my siblings.  It was as if we had different families.  I think part of my problem was being super intuitive and sensitive from a very young age.  Anyhow...

When I search my relationship with Keven for clues as to where I went wrong with him - what I may have done to contribute to some of his issues, I know for a fact that he KNEW for a fact that I LOVED him unconditionally and relentlessly from the second he was born.  I love him more now than ever (which I could not have said a year and a half ago!).  I know he loves me too.  Yet, he has a heart on his chest that has been ripped open and is now held together by thick chains embedded in his chest....why?  Exactly where does that hurt come from?

So many of us grow up feeling unwanted and unloved and then wonder why we have addictions or issues.  I'm not a drug addict or alcoholic, but I have a very similar mindset and have the messed up life to prove it.  Why am I still single after all these years, longing for that special relationship?  Because every man that has ever loved me was pushed away before the actual wedding bells rang.  Because I never trusted that anyone could really love me.  And God bless 'em - I tested some to the limits!  I did everything I could (including cheating on some of them) to prove to them I was unlovable and to prove to myself they would leave.  None of them left.**  They really did love me.  But I couldn't accept it.  I always said I was waiting for the "right one" to come along but how many good men have I let slip by?

I realize this post is jumbled and extremely personal, but I wanted to get it out.  I wanted to be open.  I know I am not the only person who deals with this.

Its still painful to this day to hear the words "I love you".  Even from my closest friends and family, it feels too good to be true.  I know I am loved, I have no doubt about it.  But that little girl in me is still unsure, still unwilling to believe its possible.  She still has such a hold on my heart, all her hurt and fears have lingered on, never allowing me to experience acceptance.

I guess its time to work on this issue once and for all.  Some day I may meet another wonderful man, and some day I may actually be able to allow myself to be loved.  I hope so because I have a lifetime's worth of love to give him.

**I should probably mention something else.  At least 50% of the men I have been involved with in my life (from age 13 - 30) were alcoholics or addicts (including Kev's bio dad).  When I mentioned earlier that no man every left me, that's not true.  ONE did.  I loved him so damn much.  Get this:  he left me because he went into rehab and met a chick in there that had a great connection for his drug of choice (cocaine) so they left rehab together and shacked up.  I was 25 at the time.  It was the worst breakup I ever had - and the worse man I ever dated (but he was so hot).  Another example of how healthy I am when I comes to men.

So, ironically, I have never been dumped by a guy except for the one that left me for DRUGS.  I was a co-dependent enabler with him BIG TIME.  Have I mentioned I've had years of therapy?  Its helped but obviously not enough.

Thanks for reading this.  I feel safe sharing in public in front of the world even though it would be hard to share this with certain people I am close to.

NOTE TO DAN D. - you still owe me $500 for that motorcycle I bought you, and I hope your finally got your shit together, if not, you're probably dead by now.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara