I am so distressed today. K called to tell me he has not changed his mind, he plans to "opt out of the program" tomorrow at court and take prison time instead.
WHY THE HELL WOULD HE DO THAT???? WHY?
This program is a privilege, a great opportunity. I told him I will not even VISIT him in prison if he chooses that route.
I don't know what (or who) had got to him the last week or so but he was so excited a few weeks ago and now he's acting like some monster....he reminds me of who he is when he's high, totally irrational and mean.
I know some of you have really big issues today as well. God have mercy on us all. I can't do this. I give up.
16 comments:
What is his rational?
I'm so sorry Barbara. It's hurts so much when they don't make the right decisions. If only they'd want sobriety as much as we want it for them... Big hugs to you!
Dad is right....his time is his time. It is hard to keep in our minds and even harder to keep in our hearts that these are their choices. A couple years ago our daughter had the opportunity to intern in her treatment facility for a year which equaled free room and board living at the facility for a year. After 90 days of treatment and 6 weeks interning, with over 120 days clean, she left to live with her new bf...the subject of my last post. All I could do was let her go. Its all we can do each and every day because it is their life to live. You know that I know that this is far easier said than done, but even on the hard days, it remains to be true.
Sorry, I wasn't done....I wanted to give you a ((HUG)) too. This sucks.
One day, he will.
Annette, i know that at a logical level...but today I just can't get there. I feel totally immobilized by emotions today. I'm thinking of you and what you're going through. That was the first thing I read today...its been on my mind ever since. And hugs back!
Lou, you said it - you answered WHY. In many ways its easier, but its also dangerous and scary and if tough guy Anthony was afraid in prison I can't imagine what my high anxiety, bi-polar, ocd, depressed addict is going to be like if he goes. I know its his choice but how does a mom not worry? Anthony seriously thought he was gonna get killed in there but they transferred him. There was someone killed (an inmate) there in July.
Madison,
I hope so.
Aw I just love you as usual and am so sorry you are going through all of this. All I know is I pray when Keven does get into treatment, either now or in the future, that it sticks.
You know it is o.k. for you to feel all those emotions and move through them, cry, scream, throw stuff. That is something I have learned, you go through all the emotions of grief and allowing yourself to just feel mad, disappointed, sad, fear, all of it, is a loving thing to do for yourself. Everyone has already stated that he isn't ready if he doesn't want to go. I paid for mine to go at the advice of many people. I had one person, a dear friend who happens to be a counselor tell me not to blow my dime yet, he wasn't ready she could tell. I didn't listen and he had 40 days of sobriety. I think any time sober is good for the addict and is just another step towards their recovery, but I wish I hadn't blown my dime just yet. I was ready, still am, he wasn't and still isn't. God Bless and make sure to pamper yourself after a good cry. Renee
There are drugs in prison. My guess is he could be using again.
Drugs are in jails here, they likley are there too. Change is hard, sometimes staying the way you are seems easy. Have you talked to the probation officer yet ? Blackmail will not work, but be sure to let him know how you feel and think about letting him come home without rehab,
Barbara -
He may change his mind today - I will pray for that!
Love,
Sherry
My prayers are with you today. Believe with all your heart that something good will come from this. Take God with you into that courtroom and expect a miracle. Blessings and a big hug!
Damn. Barbara, I've fallen behind in reading my blog friends stories. I gasped when I read this. I know you aren't giving up on your son. I understand that you give up on trying to encourage him to make the right choice. Been there. It's so frustrating when we see the answer right before us, and then our addicts make a stupid decision. They just can't see it. It's exasperating! Lou is right. Dad and Mom are right. You're afraid, and I understand.
To say that I'm praying for you is an understatement. I am, though.
At times like this all I can say is "damn". I hate this.
I hope Lacey is wrong. That was my first thought also :(
Thanks for all the comments....I want to respond to them all but I am wiped out emotionally.
I will say that I hope he is not using in jail...but it crossed my mind to. Someone in there has influence over him, I think its the gang leader from LA. Keven is so easily influenced by older "tough guys". I hope its just that NOT drugs. He has 78 days clean as of today!! (i hope)
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