Earlier I wrote about how well the guys are doing....how Ant gave K some good advice and they were both pumped up about being clean and staying clean.
A few minutes ago K came to me and said "I hope he can make it two weeks till he gets in rehab". Ugh. He wants to get high.
I understand. I get it. I can't relate to in on a personal level, but I hear about it all the time.
Heroin can own your very soul.
Ant has never made it very long.
Almost dying seems to have lost its effect.
K told him if he used he could never come to our house again and he wouldn't hang out with him. I'm proud of him for saying that. I'm sad that he had to say it.
I feel mad right now. I feel angry and disappointed in him. I probably shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I just want to grab him and shake him and scream "DON'T F-UP YOUR LIFE!" He's finally on the right track, clean time, not that long to go on parole, a 90 day rehab set up, a girlfriend who's crazy about him, loving people in his life, a talent he can turn into a career.
But, he knows all that. It doesn't matter. He wants to get high. I'm prepared to cut him out of my life but I don't want to. I love him.
I wish he could get on methadone or suboxone.
17 comments:
My sister is hooked on methadone for "chronic pain". It has fucked up her life. She has gotten herself off twice (she is an RN) but has gone back on it both times. When I was in my 20's she was hooked on dilaudid. She just replaces one drug with another and then wonders why her life is a mess. She thinks she is ok because a pain dr is her "dealer". I don't feel methadone would be any better and it can kill you just like heroin. Look it up.
arrghh. I'm glad K was "tough" on him. I pray A finds the strength he needs to stay the course.
Don't give up hope, he hasn't used yet... I'll continue my prayers for A, K & you. I'm thankful K seems to see the truth.
I have an older daughter who spoke a very hard boundary over her younger sister. "If you do drugs, if you hang around with X, you will not be in my life." A year later, my younger daughter thanked her and told a room filled with people that her older sister was the only person who 'got it'. I know these things can be highly emotional, but I salute K. You never know what will finally speak to Ant. I don't think the sound of doors shutting is a heartless sound. But, I do totally get where you're coming from. I am praying for you and your family.
(hugs). So young.. I just saw you other post with their picture. They are babies.. they can have a great life..
Barb,...I have a good friend whose heroin addict son has 2 YEARS clean using methadone and he's been slowly weaning off it as required. It was the only thing that worked for him, after 7 rehabs, the last one being a 6 mo. program after which he relapsed. Is Anthony not able to use methadone?...or can you not get him into a program to provide it...what is the situation w/ that? Meanwhile, I'm praying daily for both Anthony & Kev to stay clean.
God Bless,
Lori
Good for K to say that to ant...And if he does get high, you have to cut him loose Barb...consequences
They all want to use, it is a matter of what they are willing to do NOT to. That answer will not come until it happens. Try to remain positive as there is nothing else for you to do, except follow through with any consequences you have given to Ant. I will continue to pray for him as well as K and you.
Heartbreaking stuff! I'm proud of K too!
Barbara,
I've been out of pocket, working on my book. Been blog hopping today, to catch up with everyone, because I am sending out Glass House's monthly prayer letter. As I read through your past posts, I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster, and I know that's how you feel too!
Praying for Ant to have the strength to stay sober and get into the rehab...
Praying for Keven to continue on the good course he's on at present, and applaud his wisdom and strength in speaking truth and tough love to Ant.
Praying for you as you "love on" your boys, that God gives you the perfect wisdom you need to minister His love into their lives.
Blessings and prayers,
Cheri
Hello. My name is Kali.... I've been following your blog for just a short time. I'm actually not on your end of the spectrum here....I am just..... another addict. Narcotic pain killers are my addiction. I broke my neck and have had surgery after surgery since then about 8 years ago. Now, I find myself at a crossroads because the pain pills no longer do much for me and they are controlling me instead of me controlling them and it's miserable and lonely. I feel for you. I don't know what it's like to be on your end of things but i'm sure it has to be heartbreaking. I've also battled and beat an eating disorder addiction and I've watched a couple friends slowly die from that so I know what you're going through to an extent. You have to know.... from an addict's perspective.... these opiates are the devil, yet they are our best friend (so we think) and at some point.... something has to give.... that's where I find myself right now.... thanks for letting me share.
Just stopping by to say "good luck" with the job hunting!
Barb, it's A.'s choice. He has one but is deciding that the drug has more power over him. I don't think that it is healthy for Keven to stay around him. But that is just my opinion. I would say that A is going to have to figure things out for himself. All you can do is tell him you love him. The rest is up to him.
Ahhh, geez, what a mess recovery is. I agree, there will most likely be uncertainty rather than anything else. I do hope A sees his way clear.
There is still hope Barb..
I hear your fears though.
From one Mom to another,
I send you the serenity
prayer on a napkin wrapped
around a cozy cup of courage.
Keep taking care of you for today.
Thank you for sharing.
Barbara,
I'm so sorry. I don't think you have to cut him out of your life, though you'll need boundaries. I think you can still love the person and hate the addiction. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
On a lighter note, your middle name doesn't happen to be Jean, does it? :-) Hugs.
Hmmmm. My sister is 30 days clean tomorrow. I cannot see myself ever giving up on her. I read that relapse is a part of recovery, and I promised her that if she relapsed a hundred times, I would be there a hundred times to help her through it. I cannot imagine having to go through what she is going through every single day. I cannot imagine that I would succeed, quite honestly.
Nuts. I'm behind on reading blogs, so I don't know who Ant is. As for K, good for him! Amen. My son is dealing with former friends wanting to get high with him. It makes my son mad. As for methadone-- hey, it's working for my son. Yes, people can get hooked on it. My son is seeing a reputable clinic. They want him on it for three months, max He's being monitored, gets counseling and has regular UA's. There is no right answer for each addict. I'm with Tom-- read for yourself. Decided for yourself. It's the only drug that is helping my son. As for K, I pray he won't need to go that route. Ultimately, I hope our kids will stay sober without any kind of prescription drug. Good luck with your job hunt.
Bear hugs,
Debby
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