If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck....

.....why do I still want to think its a chicken?

Ok, you know how you KNOW something beyond a shadow of a doubt?  For example 2 + 2 = 4.  But sometimes you don't want to know it so you try to mentally change the outcome by thinking to yourself something like:  Well, maybe one of the 2s was really a 5 backwards and so 2 + 5 = 7....  Maybe no one else rationalizes that way, but I did this Friday.

The bottom line is, when relating to addiction, there are times we desperately want to believe our addict.  Not because they are trustworthy or believable (if they are using - they are not!) but because we are so tired or so sick of the reality or in temporary insanity mode (denial).

I KNEW Keven had used meth on Thursday because all day Friday he was doing a tweaker projects (he had almost every electric cord in the house in a big pile (we had a whole box of them) - including my phone charger which will really pissed me off).  But I decided to pretend he would not be stupid enough to use two days before going to sober living and getting tested.  Silly me.

Later I found a syringe on my bedroom floor that had fallen out of his pocket.  He still denied it (said he was draining blood from an abscess on his arm with it).  I didn't make a big deal about it, why bother, all I asked was "will you test clean on Saturday"?  He said he would, that he knew what he was doing (feel free to laugh here, I did).

We get to the sober living place yesterday and the guy was all you'd ever want in a sober living place.  We both liked him and the house and their rules.  They are accredited and have a high rating (its all posted on their wall).  So he tested Keven and he was dirty for meth.  The guy asked him how long ago he used and Keven said Thursday so he made an exception for him and said he could stay and retest Sunday night but if he was lying and the test came up dirty on Sunday at 8 pm he had to leave.

So here I sit wondering what will happen tonight.  I really, really, really want him to be able to stay.  Its a great location for someone without a car, its in the "heart of recovery" for Orange County, meetings all over the place also within walking distance.

I love my son so much.  I am not surprised by his behavior because addicts use, lie, steal, etc.  I go from anger to feeling compassion and then remind myself its out of my control and I need to let go.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara