I spent the day tracking down all the resources I had, including Syd's suggestion to call a PET team. They and everyone else said there was nothing they could do to help him because he was using and therefore could not be evaluated. I took him to the hospital again and that was no use, they don't want him either. The cops won't take him to jail because he hasn't committed a crime and like the doctor last night, they probably think he's more trouble than he's worth and is hopeless.
He's calmed down a lot today but is in so much pain throughout his body and especially his fingertips so he's constantly yelling out in pain every time he touches something.
My mother begged me not to kick him out and told him he could stay. Its not my house, its hers (this has been an issue for years, she doesn't see that he's a danger to himself or others, she doesn't believe in letting him hit bottom, she just wants to keep him safe in her home and doesn't understand that it just doesn't work like that).
So one more day to endure this and he will go to his PO and I will tell his PO he does not have a place of residence - I don't know what they will do about that but its something you have to have and I won't let him list our address. I am calling ahead to share this info via voicemail since I doubt I will be allowed to talk to him.
I got to take a nap today and so did my mom and sis (while we were at the hospital). He just went to bed because after all these days with no sleep he can barely keep his eyes open.
I have a feeling I will lose him soon. I am not pushing him out to die on the street. Our former attorney always told me how horrible it would be to find him dead in his own bed, but it would be harder to get a call from a stranger.
I hope I am wrong, but I've been grieving him for along time because the son I once had is gone, at least for now. He hates himself and his been degrading himself all day and none of his friends will communicate with him, which I understand completely, but it just adds to his sense of worthlessness.
I appreciate all the comments but at this time, I am not kicking him out. We can last another day (tomorrow) and then I'll take him to the PO first thing Tues. morning hoping for some help since no one else would help. If need be I will call the cops again and insist on a 5150 which was my plan last night that failed because of Dr. Addict Hater.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
PS As we sat in the packed waiting room of the ER he had spasms and twitches etc. I know everyone was staring at him but I held my heard high, my son is buried deep inside the person that was next to me today and hopefully he will return . Those that sat staring and probably judging him as a loser or a mental case are lucky - ignorance is bliss when it comes to drugs.
25 comments:
If he's coming down enough to be able to fall asleep, he might sleep for many hours which would be good. ((HUG)) I am just so sorry for you. What an impossible situation to be stuck in. Please keep checking in so we know you are ok.
We can all only do what we are capable of doing with the strength/resources/resourcefulness that we have at any point in time...and you are doing your very best dealing with Keven tonight. My prayers are sent out to you and your family, Barbara. Hopefully you will get a couple of hours of sleep tonight. Thinking of you with a ton of caring.
Shelley in SK
Barbara ,.there are SO many of us praying for Keven & you. I'm hoping that prayer power will effect the change that's needed ... & if so, you know that's what created a miracle. Thinking of you & Keven with love. I hate this f'd up system that won't give Keven the immediate help that he needs.
Barbara,
I am glad that you have a plan.
Maybe your mom, your sister and you can take turns sleeping.
You know I walk this path with you. You are so right that ignorance about drugs is bliss.
Wow, you should stop asking Everyone here what to do as you already know what you will do. You cannot blame your 86 year old mother for letting him stay there, she should never have been exposed to any of this. I feel so horrible for you and at the same time i was really sad that it was back to the same sfory different day. You are certaintly entitled to handle him as you see fit i just wish you would stop blogging about it and getting all of these kind people worked up. I will continue to pray for you and your son .
Dear Anonymous, we often blog out of pure desperation and exhaustion. I do not think Barbara for one second ever has claimed to know it all. We seek out advice by writing and also to have a place to vent where other POA's understand. We do not always agree with what a parent decides but we are here for support.
As far as grandma just like my Mom she helped raise him so there is a very tight bond and in the good old days many did not believe in throwing your child out for them to reach rock bottom and they did not have the resources we do now. It took my 80 y.o. Mom almost one year to decide to have him leave with the promise that we were going to make sure he had a place to live. The entire family is typically exposed to the addict and certainly not by the Mothers choice.
Most of the time with addicts it is the same story different
day. You have a mother who is desperately trying to get her child help.
I don't know by your passive/aggressive remark if you are a POA or not. However, most POA's go through a ton of different emotions which to me is normal. There are many of my own posts that I look back on and feel that I was certifiable. When you feel like you are losing your child to any disease or illness it is extremely difficult to handle.
Please do not speak for us. I personally want her to write and feel the love I have for her and Keven. Now is not the time for her not to write. Perhaps you should not visit her blog.
Barbara, hang in there. Please keep us posted.
Barbara, it is good that you have this blog to vent, and ask for advice, it is an outlet, and many people have been, and are, going through similar things. Don't be discouraged by negativity from others on here ... I, personally, hope you continue writing, and hope you know how much love there is out here for you and your family. Sending hugs to you and yours ... hope it helps just a little bit xxx
Yes I am a POA. I raised three sons on my own. I would never involve my mother in my sons problems. I am sorry an 86 year old woman should not be dealing with any of this. I am not claiming to have all the answers at all but it is frustrating reading over and over how "nothing changes if nothing changes" and " the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." The commeter " dad and mom" was actually excellent he speaks the truth in love which is what is needed. My heart goes out to this woman i cannot even begin to imagine how horrible this has been for her but she needs help the kind of help that Ron suggested.
And further it is painful warchin this as i too have made the same mistakes with my adult child over and over and it has done nothing but enable him to continue making bad choices. I guess that is the bottom line if i camr off as judgmental and negative i apologize i need to "get the log out of my own eye before i try to remove the speck in another's eye.". I apologize if i said anything to cause you more pain than what you are already going through.
Barbara,
He is YOUR son. You love him more than anyone else on this earth. You are doing the best you can under terribly difficult circumstances.
Keep writing, and we will keep praying.
PS. To the chicken$hi+ who jabs and hides, Are you trying to be a jerk off?
Barbara . . . You don't need to stop blogging about this . . Even if you say the same thing a thousand times over . . . No one is forced to read it.
I have no advice, I don't know what to say. I don't know what I would do. I would just want to keep my son safe . . like you and your Mum do. My heart hurts for you and Keven. I can't imagine the pain. I too will pray for God's intervention . . . Like now.
I am hoping for a better day today for you and your family. Keven probably is in living hell. Loving him is not a crime.
Being the mother of an addict, I know you don't share every horrible event that happens. There is so much in between the lines here. There is so much awfulness to addiction that we leave a lot unsaid. If we blogged about ALL of it, we would never stop crying..or have the time.
Alanon taught me each and every one of us is doing the best we can.
If I needed help, I would want your beautiful heart on my side.
Praying for you and Keven and your family.
Dear Barbara,
I have read and re-read your posts and comments from the last few days. It is painful to read and to know that any of us could be or could have been in your very place at any time.
I understand your fear of Keven being on his own, can't say I agree but I understand you position. The best thing is that you must deal with your own reality.
Reading your posts it is time you need to look at what you are doing. "I" is the predominate theme. I did this, I called, I took, I comforted. You are eating yourself alive. For anything to work Keven must take the initiative.
I spent much time angry at doctors, judges, police officers, counselors, and PO's, and just about anyone that touched my son. Finally, I realized that my anger was because those people were suppose to fix and heal my son. I know now that non of those people could fix my son. None of them had the magic pill or silver bullet that would cause him to see the light. The rehab wasn't bad because my son relapsed. The jail wasn't bad because my son was released and used within two hours. All of this was just me looking for an answer, just like like you. The reality is that I couldn't find the answer because the problem was not mine. Those other people couldn't do what I wanted them to do because I wasn't realistic and had expectations of them that were unrealistic.
When I struggle with understanding I try to relate my current situation to problems I have experienced. After all, there really are no new problems in this world. As a human race we all struggle on the same treadmill. For instance, there are diseases that are incurable. That doesn't make a doctor bad, it just means they recognize the limits to their ability and medicine. Addiction is one of those diseases.
Where there is life there is hope is not about Keven. It is about all of those with life that surround you.
The ONLY person that can really help Keven is Keven. Please allow Keven the consequences of his actions. When he hurts, sympathy does not help. When he begs, capitulation helps no one. When he struggles, your assistance will not bring peace.
The doctors, police, PO's, rehabs and prayer, or even a mother can help no person that will not help them self.
Still hoping, Barbara.
Thinking of you Barbara - It's a horrible thing to be going thru for all involved and I have no answers for you. I've always said you have to do what's right for you. Sending you a BIG HUG.
I so wish that I could add a magic solution to this very painful problem . I will be in prayer often for all of your family. May you find moments of peace in the midst of this turmoil.
Barbara, I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I think that Ron is giving some really good advice here. I don't know what to say and I have no answers. I will be praying for you and your son. So sad to hear that you are going through such hell.
Frankly, I have been amazed at some of the comments on your blog over the last week or so. I find them bordering on cruel. Anonymous above is one of the kinder - but I would suggest that they stop reading the blog if they find it so offensive - "doing the same thing expecting different results."
I can't imagine that anyone can read a blog and tell someone else what to do. Think about it, it is ludicrous.
Also, I would bet that Dr. Addict Hater is a recovering addict or alcoholic himself - who knows that sometimes you can "love them to death."
As the mother of an addict, I feel for you. God bless you Barbara.
Thank you for holding your head high! Reducing the stigma associated with addiction and mental illness is the ONLY way they will get the attention and changes needed to help those afflicted.
I am in total agreement with Lou. However, I am in love with Ron for being so insightful, forthright and eloquent. I guess that means I'm still not quite 'there' myself.
Barbara, you remain a source of inspiration to me as you move through this frustrating and terrifying journey with strength, grace and a sense of humor. Rock on! <3
Still praying Barabara,...as so many of us are. Right now, just having Keven alive for 1 more day is a triumph of sorts, despite the horror show mode of existing he's enacting right now. That may sound harsh, but I'm sure it's nothing that you already aren't thinking.
I agree with some of what Ron said,...as I know that the addict must want to save himself vs. the POA or others wanting them to recover. I saw that clearly with my son. But to me, the caveat about that is the fact that the same addict has to want to save himself & make such decisions & take action to do so with what can be a much altered, drug addled brain, that impairs the ability to make rational decisions. Therein lies the challenge,....& what seems to be the case now with Keven. Like many things,... it's not black & white,... for some facets of this anyway,...there's some gray. But the need to have these drugs out of his system before getting more help is black & white. I was surprised at what the police position was on "he's committed no crime". Isn't having used illegal drugs and being able to test that they're currently in his system against the law ? I swear, here in VA. they'd be only too happy to lock you right up for that. Again, praying for you here.
As a mother who lost her child to alcoholism - as in DIED....and was powerless to stop it and I sooooo understand Barbara's desperation.
I walked in those painful shoes several weeks before my daughter shockingly died.
It is easy to say leave her mother out. I can't even imagine MY mother willingly stepping aside just because I said to! She is quite an E.N.A.B.L.E.R. and will always be one.
Just because her mother is 86 does not mean she is incapable of making her own decisions, however irrational YOU think they are. She is not senile. My mother is still "enabling" my brother's addiction and I don't even discuss that on my blog since the two of them read it and I don't want them breathing down my back. SOOOOO.....
Sometimes things are more complicated than one realizes. You can't explain everything on a blog.
We all do the best we can. We love our children. If we think for one moment... our child is dying or about to die, believe me we go crazy trying to save that child.
It's our child's life. A LIFE. It is hard to follow the principles of al-anon if you think OMG we're talking about a few days left here... the best way I can describe that feeling is it's like being a bug on a burning log in a fireplace and you're trying to get off and you can't.
And the medical profession really does not give a flip about your "addicted child", I am sorry. They rarely want to help.
I know...because I was at the hospital with my daughter in May right before she died asking them to admit her to Rehab (and she was willing to go) and the fruitcake with "MD" on his lapel says "oh we treat alcoholics with adderall" (despite my argument she was already on it and willing to go to Rehab) but noooooooo, he knew best, right? NO HE DID NOT. He did not care. She was an "alcoholic", ewwwwww.... yes, ewwww.
They don't care.
It is easy to throw stones and say you (not pointing at any one blogger) would do a better job than Barbara.
She is doing her best and maybe some of you can step in her shoes and do a bang up job and save her son but are you so sure?
If you thought your son or daughter might die in the next few days, what would you do???
This is her child...not her pet rock. Of course she is frantic. I was too!!!!!
Barbara, you are in my prayers and thoughts. That's all I can offer... but I offer them sincerely.
Thank you everyone, and thanks for coming to my defense. If I only wrote on this blog when things were going well, there would be no blog. If I didn't have this blog and the readers, I'd be a bigger mess than I am right now. I write the most when I am desperate, sad, scared, mad, etc. I NEED the reminders (Ron) and can tell which comments are meant in love and which are meant to hurt. I am aware that I am enabling and complaining right now - its my choice. My mother is far from frail at her age (87) and is as sharp as a tack, possibly sharper. She is watching the Rose Parade with my sister and having a good time. We've been through a lot in this family, death of my dad when I was a kid, death of several close loved ones, cancer, rape, etc. This is the most difficult because we have no control - we know that. So we're doing all we can for the next few days. Providing a loving safe environment. I complain to get it out of my system and receive hugs and encouragement in the form of comments from the people who care about us.
Blessings to you Barbara...I stand in the circle with you, offering up a prayer for you and your son. I too, face these same decisions about my 23 year old opiate-addicted son...just last night he called at 11 PM, wanting a ride home...It was hard, but I suggested he consider the local homeless shelter in that city. I awoke this morning, read the newspaper, hoping he wouldn't be reported as victim of death by hypothermia, or other tragedy. Keep writing...we all need to share and support one another. May God's wisdom,strength, and peace be upon you.
she doesn't see that he's a danger to himself or others, she doesn't believe in letting him hit bottom, she just wants to keep him safe in her home and doesn't understand that it just doesn't work like that
It sounds like your mother might be dealing with codependency. Has anyone talked to her about this?
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