As planned Keven went up to 3rd Step House tonight and even though they told him he could live there - the main guy changed his mind and said NO. Keven is not high or anything, the main guy just doesn't trust him. It makes me mad because Keven wants this and if they don't give him a chance how will he prove himself?
I'm staying out of it. He's with Anthony trying to figure something out, like where to stay tonight!
Oh, and the movie was full so we didn't get to see George Clooney today but I had a wonderful time with my friend (we've been friends since high school!)
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
November 25, 2011
Today is the Day
"Every day can be Thanksgiving"
~ Syd
That was the comment Syd left yesterday and its so true. Some days its harder to find the good and/or to be thankful, but I've never lost my gratefulness through this nightmare of addiction. I'm well aware of how blessed I am in so many ways.
Yesterday we had both Keven and Anthony at our dinner table with the rest of my family (10 people total). It was a beautiful thing to see my mom and Anthony hug, a long tearful hug full of forgiveness from her, and for him - he felt he totally undeserving.
Keven spent one last night here and today my sister will drive him up to 3rd Step House (I have plans to hang out with a friend and see a movie today - new George Clooney, review later).
This is going to be different than anything he has done before. He says he wants it, he's ready, and for me to not worry because he'll be fine. So I'm taking his word for it.
I've learned a lot about myself over the last week. It was a horrible week in so many ways, but also an good week.
Did I tell you Keven invited me to a speaker meeting Wed. night and we went together? The speaker was one of his best friend's uncle. Kev thought it was the best speaker meeting he's ever been to. I enjoyed it too, I love AA mtgs way more than Al-Anon. I've never felt the love and support in an Al-Anon meeting but it just exudes from most AA mtgs. This one was in a dirty, smelly old building in downtown Los Angeles, (not something I'm used to but I felt comfortable there). A few people stared at us like "where the hell are they from?" but we were welcome by all.
The speaker even used Keven in the beginning of his talk (they had met on the phone earlier that day and spent over an hour talking). I met a woman who had lost her daughter to heroin at age 20. She herself was struggling with her own sobriety but she sought me out and hugged me and was full of smiles.
So today he starts a new chapter of his sobriety. He has one week clean. I am going to sleep good tonight.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
~ Syd
That was the comment Syd left yesterday and its so true. Some days its harder to find the good and/or to be thankful, but I've never lost my gratefulness through this nightmare of addiction. I'm well aware of how blessed I am in so many ways.
Yesterday we had both Keven and Anthony at our dinner table with the rest of my family (10 people total). It was a beautiful thing to see my mom and Anthony hug, a long tearful hug full of forgiveness from her, and for him - he felt he totally undeserving.
Keven spent one last night here and today my sister will drive him up to 3rd Step House (I have plans to hang out with a friend and see a movie today - new George Clooney, review later).
This is going to be different than anything he has done before. He says he wants it, he's ready, and for me to not worry because he'll be fine. So I'm taking his word for it.
I've learned a lot about myself over the last week. It was a horrible week in so many ways, but also an good week.
Did I tell you Keven invited me to a speaker meeting Wed. night and we went together? The speaker was one of his best friend's uncle. Kev thought it was the best speaker meeting he's ever been to. I enjoyed it too, I love AA mtgs way more than Al-Anon. I've never felt the love and support in an Al-Anon meeting but it just exudes from most AA mtgs. This one was in a dirty, smelly old building in downtown Los Angeles, (not something I'm used to but I felt comfortable there). A few people stared at us like "where the hell are they from?" but we were welcome by all.
The speaker even used Keven in the beginning of his talk (they had met on the phone earlier that day and spent over an hour talking). I met a woman who had lost her daughter to heroin at age 20. She herself was struggling with her own sobriety but she sought me out and hugged me and was full of smiles.
So today he starts a new chapter of his sobriety. He has one week clean. I am going to sleep good tonight.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving 2011
Happy Thanksgiving!
My thanks for this year:
~ My son is alive and has more hope today than he's had since he started using
~ Family and friends who love and care about me
~ YOU (everyone who reads here, you are my support, encouragement and teachers)
~ Sugar, she makes me laugh, she brings me joy, she gives me someone to spoil like crazy, she loves me unconditionally
~ Anthony's 5 months of sobriety and his positive influence on Keven
~ The 12 Steps and the AA Fellowship - it really is life changing, I've been watching it change lives
~ All the usual: I have all I need, I am healthy,
My thanks for this year:
~ My son is alive and has more hope today than he's had since he started using
~ Family and friends who love and care about me
~ YOU (everyone who reads here, you are my support, encouragement and teachers)
~ Sugar, she makes me laugh, she brings me joy, she gives me someone to spoil like crazy, she loves me unconditionally
~ Anthony's 5 months of sobriety and his positive influence on Keven
~ The 12 Steps and the AA Fellowship - it really is life changing, I've been watching it change lives
~ All the usual: I have all I need, I am healthy,
November 22, 2011
Realizations
As naive as this sounds, I didn't realize to what degree I have been enabling my son all this time. Seriously - don't laugh (or cry). I mean, I know I am a huge co-dependent with him and that I had enabled him in many ways, but I thought I had gotten better. I'm not even sure why I thought that .... oh wait I know! Because he was always in jail or rehab so I didn't have to be face to face with his manipulation as often.
Please don't stop leaving me comments, even when they hurt my feelings or kick me in the butt, I want them.
I did bring Keven his clothes and the rent money for the week. I don't think that was wrong. This is going to be the toughest thing he has done in the last four years so I rather him not have to have added anxiety and frustration by not having clothes, a razor, etc.
Plus, now I feel closure. He has all his stuff. I don't have his stuff. I am hoping we have as little contact as possible for the next month - even though his birthday is Dec. 7, I don't even know if we should see each other for that.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Please don't stop leaving me comments, even when they hurt my feelings or kick me in the butt, I want them.
I did bring Keven his clothes and the rent money for the week. I don't think that was wrong. This is going to be the toughest thing he has done in the last four years so I rather him not have to have added anxiety and frustration by not having clothes, a razor, etc.
Plus, now I feel closure. He has all his stuff. I don't have his stuff. I am hoping we have as little contact as possible for the next month - even though his birthday is Dec. 7, I don't even know if we should see each other for that.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
November 21, 2011
shit
I took down the post I had hear because I did the wrong thing and I know it.
The only justification I have for texting Anthony is that Keven was trying to get a hold of him but didn't know he had a phone (he just got one this morning).
either way i just hope he's ok
The only justification I have for texting Anthony is that Keven was trying to get a hold of him but didn't know he had a phone (he just got one this morning).
either way i just hope he's ok
He's Not Done
I didn't sleep much last night. He texted me from the hospital and said they discharged him but would let him stay in the room until 7:00 or 8:00 am. He told me he might just go on a run cause he's not done yet. He said he's very scared and doesn't know what to do. He has no money, no ID, nothing. I am just trying to stay numb and not feel and let go.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
November 20, 2011
From the Mouth of a Recovering Addict...
First of all, I can't say how much all the comments mean to me.
Keven and I came to an agreement. He's on his own and is not going to call me for at least 30 days. I agreed to drop his stuff off at Third Step House (if they still accept him) but that's it. He has to find a ride there. He has no wallet, no money, and only the clothes on his back, but he has his cell phone. I know that each time I help him its like saying "You are incapable of doing this yourself" which makes him feel like less of a man (thank you Ron).
I also got a call from Anthony who is doing "excellent". He makes a brief call to me each day to tell me he's doing great and ask how I am and tell me he loves me. Today we talked a bit longer and talked about Keven.
He said something like, "I don't want to hurt you by saying this, but I have to say it. You HAVE TO STOP ENABLING HIM. You have to completely let go and let him figure everything out himself. EVERYTHING. Get out the Big Book and read Chapters 7 - 10. You need to take care of yourself and let Keven take care of himself."
Ha. Nothing he said was new - its a repeat of what all you wonderful people are saying, but hearing it from him was priceless. He also called Keven and and said something like (this may be wrong but you'll get the gist) "Think of all your problems and then think of how to solve each one. Okay, so that's overwhelming. Think of your one problem (addiction) and you know how to solve it. Get into 3rd Step, get a sponsor, and let him TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. Just do whatever he says. Its that simple. Just keep doing that for the next 90 days."
Also, thank you Jackie for the comment. I think hearing from people like you and Anthony and Bugerlugs, and BMelon, and others who have been there, helps me immensely.
Its raining here. I love the rain. I am going to work very hard at enjoying the rest of my day.
Peace, Hope and Extra Amounts of Love, Barbara
Keven and I came to an agreement. He's on his own and is not going to call me for at least 30 days. I agreed to drop his stuff off at Third Step House (if they still accept him) but that's it. He has to find a ride there. He has no wallet, no money, and only the clothes on his back, but he has his cell phone. I know that each time I help him its like saying "You are incapable of doing this yourself" which makes him feel like less of a man (thank you Ron).
I also got a call from Anthony who is doing "excellent". He makes a brief call to me each day to tell me he's doing great and ask how I am and tell me he loves me. Today we talked a bit longer and talked about Keven.
He said something like, "I don't want to hurt you by saying this, but I have to say it. You HAVE TO STOP ENABLING HIM. You have to completely let go and let him figure everything out himself. EVERYTHING. Get out the Big Book and read Chapters 7 - 10. You need to take care of yourself and let Keven take care of himself."
Ha. Nothing he said was new - its a repeat of what all you wonderful people are saying, but hearing it from him was priceless. He also called Keven and and said something like (this may be wrong but you'll get the gist) "Think of all your problems and then think of how to solve each one. Okay, so that's overwhelming. Think of your one problem (addiction) and you know how to solve it. Get into 3rd Step, get a sponsor, and let him TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. Just do whatever he says. Its that simple. Just keep doing that for the next 90 days."
Also, thank you Jackie for the comment. I think hearing from people like you and Anthony and Bugerlugs, and BMelon, and others who have been there, helps me immensely.
Its raining here. I love the rain. I am going to work very hard at enjoying the rest of my day.
Peace, Hope and Extra Amounts of Love, Barbara
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