As naive as this sounds, I didn't realize to what degree I have been enabling my son all this time. Seriously - don't laugh (or cry). I mean, I know I am a huge co-dependent with him and that I had enabled him in many ways, but I thought I had gotten better. I'm not even sure why I thought that .... oh wait I know! Because he was always in jail or rehab so I didn't have to be face to face with his manipulation as often.
Please don't stop leaving me comments, even when they hurt my feelings or kick me in the butt, I want them.
I did bring Keven his clothes and the rent money for the week. I don't think that was wrong. This is going to be the toughest thing he has done in the last four years so I rather him not have to have added anxiety and frustration by not having clothes, a razor, etc.
Plus, now I feel closure. He has all his stuff. I don't have his stuff. I am hoping we have as little contact as possible for the next month - even though his birthday is Dec. 7, I don't even know if we should see each other for that.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
16 comments:
I can still see the "yes, but"s in your post. Yes, but he needs his clothes. Yes, but I don't want him to be frustrated. Yes, but it's his birthday. I hope that you will make a boundary for you and stick to it, without the "Yes But" part.
Don't beat yourself up Barbara. Getting free from an addicts manipulation is a process not an event. You have made so much progress. Most of us are very proud of you!
I love that process not an event comment. It is so true.
Read Syd's comment, again, and again and again. I agree 100%.
I'd also add. Why don't you want Keven to suffer the consequences of his actions? You are not saving anyone riding in on your white horse.
What Syd said. Boundaries. Yes, his birthday is next week. Then it's Thanksgiving, and Christmas... and...
It's hard not to be an Enabler, I know. I sure know, I am one.
I am trying to take care of myself (and failing miserably but still trying lol) so I want you to try to take care of yourself and do a better job! =)
Still thinking of you, and hoping that you are taking care of YOU. First and foremost, you. Everyone else has said it far more eloquently than I can, but....please, do. Hugs.
My eyes and ears are open to all you are saying...I am hanging tough and treating myself good. I'm going to a meeting tonight (if I get my car back in time, its getting brakes and an oil change that I can't afford but brakes are kind of important...)
Hang in there Barbara,...it's a very tough process, that's for sure, especially for some of us. Meanwhile, is your blog now set on private ? I can't remember. I have a very close friend that would be helped by reading it, if you will allow her to(if it's private).
Lori,
No its not on private :)
Easy does it. One boundary at a time. Try one out and practice. Noone says that you can never see or talk to Keven again. Restrict your contact to a phone call once a week. You can wish him a happy birthday on the phone. You can lend an ear but you don't have to react physically to anything he says. Just give advice if he asks for it. Let him figure out his life without mom as a crutch to lean on. In the meantime enrich your life with positive things and experiences. It's your birth right. Don't neglect it.
Honey, you will find your way! You probably made a poor decision to help him, but at this time it was the only decision you could make. You are taking baby steps.
Lots of good advice here and alot if not all probably speaking from experience. We all love ya Barbara! Thinking of you - Take care.
You said you got a text half way home to say they didn't want him there? Did they accept the rent from you and then tell him that?
I'm sorry to be such a cynic but as a "user", although I'm an honest one, I know most others aren't and I would hate to think you will just get a couple of days peace while the money lasts, then it all start up again.
I hope I'm wrong. But if I'm not, I hope you feel angry with him. You seemed more determined when you were angry with him last week, to distance yourself from him.I realise it's hard to stay angry and so does he.
Enjoy your massage and some "you" time. With love n hugs x
I have not commented because all of our friends here for the most part are spot on. Change all your phone numbers asap. Then get a sponsor. Then shut up and listen. U are suffering for someone else's addiction and are not able to make healthy choices.. u are loved
Brother Frankie
I'm continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. None of us are experts at this. We learn as we go along. None of us planned on being the parent of an addict. There was no way to prepare for it. I think you're doing a great job. Like I've said, I think I'm at a similar crossroads with my son (whose b-day is 12/12, by the way). It's tough not having him here for Thanksgiving. I was getting squash ready to cook this morning and started sobbing uncontrollably because I thought about my son. Being an addict sucks. Being the parent of an addict might suck more. Happy Thanksgiving, Barbara. Much love coming your way from Michigan.
The one step at a time is true for parents too.
Post a Comment