Tonight at PH Family Group we learned about family roles.  I am a "Placater/People Pleaser".  No surprise there. K is the "Acting Out Child".  Its about your original family of origin but often you keep that same set of traits, which I have. 

Its also called Co-Dependent - big time.

Found out he's going to be released to come home Feb. 17.
After 6 months of having him gone - he will be back.

I have mixed feelings.  I want him to succeed.  I want him to be himself again.  The meds he's on are strong and the look in his eyes tonight was dull.  I guess that's an improvement over "anxious".

Here is a PDF of what we talked about tonight, maybe you can recognize your family role:

Family Roles by Claudia Black

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Update on "My Other Son"

I haven't mentioned Ant lately and the old adage is true "no news is good news!"

I talk to him once a week, at least, and he sounds positive, determined, excited, thankful.  He's been out of jail and into rehab for the last nine days and will be done at the end of the month. 

That's what concerns me - he has nowhere to go, no place to live, no job, money or car.  But he says "it will work out" and has some good plans so far on steps to take to find a job and housing.  I am proud of him.  I am not going to worry or enable.  I am just going to watch and love and pray.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Another Loved One Addicted

One of my closet friends just let me know that she has been using drugs (again) for the last year.  Good old prescription opiates.  She lives in another country where she can buy them without a prescription.  She's here for a few weeks and is going through withdrawals.  I am so glad she told me.  I am trying to "coach" her sister through how to help her physically get through the next few days of hell.

She didn't want to tell me and add burden to what I am going through with K, but because of him I feel like I can support her through it better.  I have studied it, witnessed it, I have learned so much.  I don't know how it feels, but I've been around it enough to understand what she's going through, what's she's up against.

She was with me when I gave birth to K, they were very close when he was a kid, we'd go to her house to swim all the time, went to Catalina with her several times, even went to London with her once.

I am wondering if it would be helpful for both of them if he talked to her, kind of like a peer, someone who can relate.

CLARIFICATION:  What I meant by that sentence above (that I can see came out all wrong), is:  

I know K can't HELP her, I just kind of picture him hugging her and KNOWING what she's going through and that in some sad way it renews the bond that they used to have years ago before he turned into a teen and she moved so far away.  I guess I should have been  more clear.  I picture him more being empathetic since he knows what it feels like to withdraw, etc.



I feel horrible for my friend and I am here for her.  Never a dull moment around here. 


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

If Talking Made a Difference, Would Your Kid Be Drug Free?

I am all for educating parents as much as possible and think that "The Partnership for a Drug Free America" does a good job of that.  BUT what irritates me is that they insinuate on their TV ads and on-line that talking to your kids makes a difference.

I talked to K about drugs for years before he actually tried them.  We discussed everything from drugs to sex to ______  stuff I can't even say here cause its personal between him and me.  My point is, we have always had open communication, a close relationship and he loves and respects me.

TALKING ABOUT IT DIDN'T CHANGE A DAMN THING!

So to me, this sort of campaign gives false hope to parents who think their kids are going to be safeguarded against drug use if they talk openly about it.

Kids are taught that drugs are  "bad" as early as the fourth grade in our school district.  In fact all the grades are involved in "Drug Use is Life Abuse" week every year.

I don't think knowledge is the answer, and I know that open communication and a good parent/child relationship is not the answer.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

p.s.  I have to wonder if we over-educate our kids about drugs, I swear K sounds like a pharmacist when he talks about drugs and he learned it all either in school or on the streets and by using.

I did good today...

Thanks to all the words of wisdom and insight and experienced voices, I am learning a lot these last few weeks.  THANK YOU ALL.

Today K came home with a friend on a day pass.  He took the bus down here then my sister picked them up and spent most of the day with them on a project (setting up a tropical fish aquarium, something they'd been planning for months).

I am driving them back up.  When?  I don't know.  I didn't ask, he can tell me when he's ready.  Normally I would have asked.

How is he doing?  He seems okay but other than saying "how are you doing?" one time, I didn't pry or ask about his meds, what was new, how he was sleeping, etc. etc. etc.   I let it go.


I basically stayed out of his way and let him have his space.  He's been polite and cordial all day with one exception.

The ex. gf texted  him so I didn't have to spend time the other night worrying about how to handle it (lesson learned).

The one exception of him being rude was when an old friend of mine (male) stopped by for a few minutes and K was rude to him.  I know why - he is protective of me and he has treated all men in my life rude with the exception of one.  Normally I would lecture him and tell him how embarrassed I was that he acted like that, but this time I reminded myself that he's 19 and if people see him as rude, its not about me anymore.  Yes, I did feel embarrassed because he is normally Mr. Manners, and I don't like anyone to think I didn't raise him that way, but...I just have to let this one go.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

I Need Input

K's ex girlfriend just texted me to say she missed him, is thinking about him a lot lately and wants to talk to him.

Do I tell him this or not?

I hate to keep things from him but in his current state of mind, would it be wise?  She has a boyfriend.  Not sure why she suddenly wants to talk to him.  Part of me is suspicious...why now after all these months?

They dated for a year.  She stood by him for the first few months of his drug use but when he got really bad, she left him.  I was proud of her but sad to see her go, she was a nice girl.

I know I can't protect him forever.  He has to learn to face the realities of life.  I just know he still has feelings for this girl and am not sure if it would be good for him to have one more thing to deal with right now.

I'd just like to hear some of your thoughts to give me perspective.  This doesn't seem black and white like most issues....or maybe I am just making too much of it.  I know when her name is mentioned he gets kind of uptight...like he misses her and regrets what he put her through.  

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

A Good Beginning

The new year started off very peacefully.

This morning I took a walk at the harbor with a good friend, her dog and Jade (my bro's dog).  It was nice.

Came home and my entire family was here for the day to play games, hang out, etc.  My great-nephew, Wyatt, wanted me all to himself today so rather than playing cards or Rock Hero, I played Legos and watched "Animal Face-Off Videos". 

At one point while lying on my bed we both fell asleep and it reminded me of the first five years of his life when we spent every Wednesday evening together from the time he was a newborn.  I've always considered him the second most special kid in the world and love him as if he were a grandson....he sort of is.  When he moved to Germany last year I was devastated.  On top of all the troubles with K, I no longer had my Wyatt around.

He's been home for a month but next week he goes back to Germany (he lives on the Army base there, his dad is in Afghanistan, his mom is my niece).  My heart breaks at having to say goodbye for another year.  He looked at me today and said in total seriousness "Bar, you're my best friend".  I will never forget that moment. 

Also got a positive sounding text from K today about his plans for Sunday.  He has a day pass and he and a friend are coming here to start on a project (more on that later).  I just hope being at home does not trigger a panic attack.  (they can't leave on a day pass unless they bring another resident with him, for accountability)


Good start to the new year.  One day at a time... 

ALSO: 
Ant is out of jail and into a rehab as of yesterday!!!!!


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara