World Suicide Prevention Day - Sept. 10, 2011

Suicide is something very close to my heart.  That may sound weird, but what I mean is - I've lost four people to it, all for different reasons:

- One cousin came back from Vietnam addicted to heroin and with PTSD (which they didn't recognize back then) plus coming home to all the anti-war hate.  He used a gun and shot himself.

- Another cousin was depressed after a messy divorce, and I believe he may have been an alcoholic.  He tried to use carbon monoxide poisoning in his garage, but his father found him before he was completely dead.  He's been institutionalized ever since.

Both cousins were a lot older so I was not real close with them, although the second one and I were sometimes  closer than we probably should have been as cousins.

The other two suicides hurt far more because both of these guys were like brothers to me.

The first friend, Red, killed himself as a result of a combination of mental illness and abusing drugs.  He was 20 years old at the time, I was 17.  He told me that if he didn't lose his virginity by the time he was 21 he would have to kill himself because that's what the voices were telling him.  I didn't know what to think, and for years I blamed myself for not "helping him" out.  Instead I talked to his brother and we agreed that one of us would know where he was at all times and keep him nearby until after his birthday was over.  The night before his birthday we all went to a party in San Diego (it was Christmas season) and when we got there I asked his brother where he was, his face went pale and he said "he's with you" and I said "NO!  He told me he was with YOU!".  His brother drove the hour back home and found him in the bathroom.  He'd used a shotgun.

I miss you, Dougie

Lastly, and only a few years ago, I lost my wonderful friend Doug.  I loved him so much, we shared our deepest secrets - stuff we couldn't tell anyone else.  We talked almost daily for years (he lived in Canada) and I knew he was depressed.  He's admitted to me that he was suicidal but then dropped it.  After 6 months I forgot all about him saying it.  But the SIGNS were all there - he sold his condo, he was making photo albums for his kids of their lives, and he sold his little red Corvette.  I should have got it, but it was right at the time Keven started using and I was less attentive to Doug.  When I got the call, I was devastated.  He took a handful of Xanax and taped a plastic bag over his head.

Then there was Keven's two attempts that may or may not have been halfhearted.

This is copied from Debra Serani's blog and explains the purpose of World Suicide Prevention Day:

Though suicide is the most preventable kind of death, more than 3,000 people die by suicide each day—more than all the deaths caused by accidents, wars, and homicides around the world, combined.

World Suicide Prevention Day was created to help bring awareness about suicide on a global level. This awareness day is held on September 10th each year. Disseminating information, improving education and training, and decreasing stigma are important tasks in such an endeavour. This year's theme is ”Preventing Suicide in Multicultural Societies”.

So if I know 4 people who've died from it (not counting acquaintances or co-workers), then you probably know someone who has too and understand the unique grief that comes along with it.  I have a lot of empathy for those that kill themselves.  I know many say  its a selfish act, but when a person is that depressed or despondent, they are incapable of rationalizing in a healthy manner.

If you know someone contemplating it, like I did with my two friends, reach out do all you can to help.  It may not make a difference, but at least you can rest knowing you tried.  Kind of like with our addicts, we do what we can but its ultimately up to them.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Imagine 40 Years Ago Today

Check my music blog today if you'd like to see a slideshow I made years ago to the song, "Imagine":

Imagine 40 Years Ago Today

Did I almost lose him the other night?

When I was alone with Keven the other day he told me something very alarming.  I wasn't going to share it here but what the hell, I share everything here.

On August 17 when he was kicked out of Unidos for using he still had heroin on him.  When I picked him up he was high, it was obvious.  I took him home and the deal was he could sleep in his bed and then report to court in the morning to turn himself in to jail.

That night he used the rest of the heroin he had on him and in his state of mind decided it would be a good idea to just die, so he also took a handful of Trazadone.  I knew something was up because I heard him up several times throwing up.  Then in the morning, I could barely wake him.  I didn't think much of it since it was typical behavior after using.

But apparently he said he was in and out of consciousness and felt like he was dying.

It took me till 2 pm that day to get him out of bed, I'd wake him and he'd immediately pass out again.  I was getting so angry at him.  I felt like something was wrong, but didn't realize how bad it was and my anger outweighed my concern.

Which makes me wonder - wouldn't it be good if  we (addicts and their friends and families)  have access to Narcan so if they did OD they would have a better chance of survival?

Men Matter to Young Boys (and to young men)

I got to visit Keven today.  It felt like it had been months since I'd seen him, but what I realize is its been months since I've seen him like this - clean shaven, bright eyes, smiling.  We had some one on one time and also some time with his grandma and aunt.

AND...his 5th grade teacher went to visit him today.  He'd been asking me about visiting him for a long time but today was the day.  I know it meant a lot to Keven that this man who knew him for one school year 14 years ago still cares about him!  It means the world to me too.

He (teacher) texted me and said "Kev is a good kid and always has been.  He said he'd like to see me again, I'm already looking forward to it".

That brought a tear to my eye.  I guess it might be hard for most parents to understand this, but having a son and raising him without a man in his life causes you to be very appreciative when a a good man takes notice and reaches out.  There have been very few that have done that over the years.

There was Jason - but he got engaged and you know how that goes (but he did have Keven in his wedding); then there was a guy that took him fishing twice but never called again.  And that's it.  Many, men from our church and fathers of his friends said they would invite him camping or dirt bike riding etc with their boys, but it never happened.

His own father was the biggest disappointment of all but I don't have the stomach for talking about him right now.  Ick.  All he gave Keven was some good-looks genes and ?????  Perhaps that's all.

I think Kev grew up with a view that men are unreliable and don't stick to their word.  That's what was demonstrated to him.

Oh yeah,  that reminds me of a firefighter that gave him a great tour of a fire truck, etc. then PROMISED him he'd let him see the hook and ladder sometimes soon.  I think he asked me every week for a year if "Chris is going to take me to see the hook and ladder" (he was only 4) .

Keven still brings that up now and then, it broke his heart and mine even though I told him not to expect it to really happen - a four year old thinks adults stick to their word.  Maybe the way men have been with him over the years have attributed to his low self esteem and lack of self worth.  I don't know.

Lesson:  Men, if you know of a kid without a father and invite that kid along - but then never follow through - you are causing pain, disappointment and maybe resentment.  So please don't offer if you aren't going to actually do it.

Other lesson:  Fathers are important.  I always thought Keven would be better off with no father than the one he had, so I didn't marry him when I got preg.  I still stand by that decision but sometimes wonder if I was wrong.  I know boys look up to their fathers to understand what a man is, as girls do with their mothers.  Its sad in today's world that there are so many kids that don't have both parents in their lives.  Mine included....and it was my own damn fault (don't worry I'm not on a guilt trip, I don't look back, only forward).

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

The Smell of Heroin

???


I would love some input on this.  I was reading Tori's blog and in it she mentioned how her son's clothes had that lingering smell, and someone told her it was impossible to wash out.  Her friend told her that the smell was often a trigger (wow, that would explain a lot, but I know I can't blame all his relapses on his clothes!).

Keven's clothes still have an icky black tar heroin smell - like burnt vinegar mixed with sweat and oil in a frying pan that's been left on the stove too long.  I have tried everything to wash it out.  Every time he goes to jail I jump at the chance to bring all his clothes home and wash the heck out of them but  it never leaves. I've tried every type of "odor killing" detergent and nothing has worked.

Well I just read on a forum for users* that the gross smell comes mostly when they are detoxing, it comes out in their sweat.  And that some users who know that it comes out of their pores try not to sweat to stay high longer and prevent dope sicknesses....its even why some of them choose NOT to SHOWER!!!!  (I just assumed that was cause he was too busy buying dope, getting high, being high and coming down to bother with a shower).

Does anyone know much about this?  Is there a way to get that smell out?  I was not 100% sure heroin was causing the scent but now I am.  I love hugging my son but I hate that smell.  If I had money I'd buy him new clothes just for my own sake.

Even laundry/clothing is affected by this damn drug.  Ugh.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

*P.S.  It was very unsettling to discover a site for heroin users to talk about their love affair with it.  One guy was asking advise on how to shoot up the first time because he wanted the full affect - no smoking it for him.  He couldn't wait to try it even though he knew how dangerous it was.  SAD. Sad. sad.

Drug Test Your Kids BEFORE They Are Addicted!

Do any of you remember the story of Austin Box, the Oklahoma University linebacker who had a promising future as a football player?  He died from an OD in May.  There is an update on the story, part of it contains the results of the toxicology report.  Check this out, its alarming and sad how many drugs this young man was taking and that no one realized what was going on with him:

An autopsy found the painkillers oxymorphone, morphine, hydrocodone, hydromorphone, oxycodone and the anti-anxiety drug alprazolam in Box’s system, and cited “mixed drug toxicity” as a probable cause of death.

I've gotten to know someone at Teensavers, a company that created a comprehensive and easy to use home drug testing kit.  This is not an advertisement for them (although it may sound like one) I just firmly believe in drug testing BEFORE your child has the opportunity to get addicted.  We all know how easily it happens and the devastating results.

I know its too late for most of us, and sometimes I wonder if it would have made a difference or not, but we don't have a heck of a lot of weapons in our arsenal, and to me this is a good one.  It may seem like a drastic measure and many parents would feel uncomfortable with it, but I hope that it becomes more mainstream.  If your child, at an age you determine, knew that they would be drug tested randomly a few times a month it may PREVENT them from every trying.  And if they refuse, you know you already have a problem and can get a head start at recovery.

It just breaks my heart to know kids are dying all across our country, and from the looks of things, its not getting any better.  Most of the people I've talked to (many of  you who read here) agree that the anti-drug campaigns in schools don't make much of a difference and sometimes even spark an interest in doing drugs! (that was my boy!)

The people at Teensavers are passionate about all this as well, they understand and that's why they started this company.  So if you know of anyone looking for a good drug test, check them out - they are available at Amazon and some  pharmacies.

Do you think drug testing early is a good idea?


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

National Recovery Month & Kev Update

Kev is at the two week mark at Unidos.  He's allowed to make phone calls now.  Normally he would not be allowed visitors until 30 days is up, but they allow everyone to have visitors on holidays so I get to see him this Sunday (Labor Day).  Last time I lucked out and got to see him early too, I think for Mother's Day?

Anyhow - he seems to be doing well but its hard to tell.  It feels like a lot longer than two weeks for some reason.  I miss him.

Also, "Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration" is celebrating their 22nd annual Recovery Month.  More Info below:

National Recovery Month (Recovery Month)

National Recovery Month (Recovery Month) is a national observance that educates Americans on the fact that addiction treatment and mental health services can enable those with a substance use or mental disorder to live a healthy and rewarding life. The observance’s main focus is to laud the gains made by those in recovery from these conditions, just as we would those who are managing other health conditions such as hypertension, diabetes, asthma and heart disease.  Recovery Month spreads the positive message that behavioral health is essential to overall health, that prevention works, treatment is effective and people can and do recover.

Recovery Month , now in its 22nd year, highlights individuals who have reclaimed their lives and are living happy and healthy lives in long-term recovery and also honors the treatment and recovery service providers who make recovery possible. Recovery Month promotes the message that recovery in all its forms is possible and also encourages citizens to take action to help expand and improve the availability of effective recovery services for those in need.

Celebrated during the month of September, Recovery Month began in 1989 as TreatmentWorks! Month, which honored the work of the treatment and recovery professionals in the field. The observance evolved to National Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Month (Recovery Month) in 1998, when the observance expanded to include celebrating the accomplishment of individuals in recovery from substance use disorders.  The observance is evolving once again in 2011, to include all aspects of behavioral health and will now be known as National Recovery Month (Recovery Month).

You can read more about it HERE.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara