AND...his 5th grade teacher went to visit him today. He'd been asking me about visiting him for a long time but today was the day. I know it meant a lot to Keven that this man who knew him for one school year 14 years ago still cares about him! It means the world to me too.
He (teacher) texted me and said "Kev is a good kid and always has been. He said he'd like to see me again, I'm already looking forward to it".
That brought a tear to my eye. I guess it might be hard for most parents to understand this, but having a son and raising him without a man in his life causes you to be very appreciative when a a good man takes notice and reaches out. There have been very few that have done that over the years.
There was Jason - but he got engaged and you know how that goes (but he did have Keven in his wedding); then there was a guy that took him fishing twice but never called again. And that's it. Many, men from our church and fathers of his friends said they would invite him camping or dirt bike riding etc with their boys, but it never happened.
His own father was the biggest disappointment of all but I don't have the stomach for talking about him right now. Ick. All he gave Keven was some good-looks genes and ????? Perhaps that's all.
I think Kev grew up with a view that men are unreliable and don't stick to their word. That's what was demonstrated to him.
Oh yeah, that reminds me of a firefighter that gave him a great tour of a fire truck, etc. then PROMISED him he'd let him see the hook and ladder sometimes soon. I think he asked me every week for a year if "Chris is going to take me to see the hook and ladder" (he was only 4) .
Keven still brings that up now and then, it broke his heart and mine even though I told him not to expect it to really happen - a four year old thinks adults stick to their word. Maybe the way men have been with him over the years have attributed to his low self esteem and lack of self worth. I don't know.
Lesson: Men, if you know of a kid without a father and invite that kid along - but then never follow through - you are causing pain, disappointment and maybe resentment. So please don't offer if you aren't going to actually do it.
Other lesson: Fathers are important. I always thought Keven would be better off with no father than the one he had, so I didn't marry him when I got preg. I still stand by that decision but sometimes wonder if I was wrong. I know boys look up to their fathers to understand what a man is, as girls do with their mothers. Its sad in today's world that there are so many kids that don't have both parents in their lives. Mine included....and it was my own damn fault (don't worry I'm not on a guilt trip, I don't look back, only forward).
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
7 comments:
We have had our ups and downs with B's Father. Yet he is a really kind, good man but the problem was broken promises. I don't think he even realizes it now that he did it often enough for B to resent him for a period of time.
On the other hand, B has had an amazing step Father since the day he turned 6 who has been in his life every step of the way and has NEVER not followed through with anything he has promised. I realize that isn't is blood Father but B has called him Dad since a few weeks after meeting him.
My point is, maybe his real Father had some major problems with follow through and super slow when it came to his addiction problem but he also has some great qualities and B never lacked great male influence except for the 5 years I was single.
That was amazing that his Teacher went to see him. I don't think B would remember one of his Teachers.
This post made me sad, Barbara. I think that even having a father present at times can do just as much harm. Mine was there to do things with, but we did not have those father/son talks. I wish that could have been different. I can see how sad Keven must have been to be wanting to do things with those men who promised him. I find that few people really keep their promises anymore. We are perhaps all too self-absorbed.
Oh Syd, you're so right about all you said. I know some fathers are not capable of having close relationships,or are never around, etc. I think people say things because they mean well, but if you don't follow through it does more harm than good.
I'd like to think my husband has been a good father. He has always made time for our boys, and has been especially close with my youngest, Tony, our addict. He is Tony's hero, and they often stay up late talking when Tony is home, long after I go to bed. I give my husband a lot of credit, he will do anything for our kids, and they know it.
He even spent a year and a half (during Tony's recovery) mentoring a boy, J. J and his mother were recently homeless, and a church group was getting them back on their feet and the mentoring was part of that program. J was stoic, it took several meetings before he would say more than two words to my husband, and even longer before he ever smiled in front of him. H saw him once a week or so and they did stuff that J would probably never have done otherwise, bookstores, races, fishing, biking, a wide variety. Then all of a sudden his mother decided they were moving to Arizona and J was gone. H has never heard from him.
I'd like to think that H has made a difference in that kid's life, that he knows that for that time period, a man was around that cared, and showed up every week, who was interested and was his friend.
My H is an amazing guy...
I just remembered, he promised a kid on the Sailing Club dock that he could have our old Butterfly... I better remind him :)
Barbara,
Fathers are not magic bullets. There are countless fathers out there that fill the role perfectly but they lie awake at night wondering where their son is and was is flowing through their veins that night. Just the same as mothers.
I know fathers that were addicted, a thief and dishonorable in all aspects of their life. There sons grew up determined not to follow that example.
I don't know all the answers to why does a kid do what they do but I know for sure that an adult that cares no matter the relationship, father, uncle, family, friend, pastor or whatever is better than nothing but never ever discount the role of a mother in a sons life.
ps.: My brother is a captain in the Kansas City KS Fire Department. You ever get Keven to KC area I bet I could arrange a tour of all the fire equipment he cares to see.
Ron, I admit, I am bitter (obviously) and every now and then I let that bitterness show. I almost removed this post but if I'm going to be real that means sharing the good, the bad and the ugly about myself.
My father loved us very much but worked 6 days a week to provide for us so we didn't have that much time with him. I'm sure if he knew he'd die in his 40's he would have chose more time with his family, but he worked hard because he wanted us in a safe neighborhood.
You've touched another soft spot with your post. 'mr. wunnerful' stated one night during my most unexpected pregnancy, "Just don't give me another son," at which time I knew we would be having a boy and he was an opportunity for dad to heal his relationship with his first son, if he so chose to do so. I don't know, and now never will know, what his problem with boys was, but I've long sensed that some current of competition was there before we even knew what name he would wear. Your post helps me not feel so crazed or suspicious, in sensing, but not being able to articulate that the distance between them emotionally and then logistically contributed to my son feeling he was not good enough, and to look for a way to numb that feeling. His choice of men to connect with was questionable in review, but as with so many parts of addiction, it slipped thru my line of sight before it became impossible to not see.
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