Well, so much for turning him away. Last night he had nowhere to go and felt so unwanted that he tried to kill himself.
Some of you may be thinking that was just another form of manipulation to get to me, that's fine, you can think that. He almost died. He's currently in the cardiac unit because his heart was beating over 160 heartbeat and saw something wrong with his heart in an ultrasound so they are keeping him till they figure out what it is.
When I was out of the room the Chaplain came to visit him so I eavesdropped on their conversation (I stood just outside the door). He told the Chaplain that when he thought he was dying he was really scared but hoped that he would die, he didn't want to live. He thinks it would be easier for me to move on with my life without him to worry about. The chaplain asked "does your family support you?" He said "they love me, but they don't support me anymore." He didn't know I was listening to this. He said that he'd tried everything in the past (and listed rehabs, etc) and nothing had worked so he feels hopeless.
Later he asked me if he could go out of state to a rehab thinking that would be better for him, its what finally worked for one of his friends. I said I'd look into it but HOW MUCH DO THOSE COST? and HOW do you find a good one?
I don't feel guilty, but I feel bad. I feel angry that no matter what I do - right or wrong, too easy or too tough, nothing changes. WTF is going to change my son? Where is he going to find the strength and the will to pick himself up and stop.
I know its not my fault, yet, I feared that this might happen all along, that he would not be able to handle me detaching to the point of not letting him in the house....he's told me he didn't think he could make it on his own. I was with him yesterday afternoon. I let him come in, eat, shower and nap then made him leave at 5 pm. I dropped him off somewhere and he got the drugs and by 8 pm woke up on the sidewalk with a bunch of cops and Paramedics surrounding him. A passerby had stopped and called 911 when they saw him.
He told me not to clean out his bag because there was some stuff in there that was private. Of course I cleaned out his bag. Two syringes. So even lying in the hospital bed after almost dying, he's worried about losing his "gear". I'm tired, I'm weary. I don't know what to do.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
32 comments:
I am sorry.
Been there, done that, lost. I don't know what to say except I am sorry.
I hope for a good outcome for you... (((hugs)))
I think this might be what being broken means. You are at the end of your abilities. There is NOTHING left for YOU to do.
I am so sorry. It is such a deep pain that us mama's carry when we get to this place. I know that when I got there, is when my life began to change. I couldn't do it anymore.
I am sorry. I will add you and Keven to my prayers.
My daughter felt the same way when I withdrew my support, maybe she still does. I did end up writing my daughter a letter explaining my boundaries and why I wasn't going to be picking up the pieces anymore. I read each point to her in the presence of her social worker. (She had requested the meeting to tell me she was pregnant).
I have a copy posted on my blog.
It helped some. I do take her calls and if she violates one of the boundaries, I remind her of the document. If she drops it, we can talk about something else. If she continues on her current path (usually asking for money or rides) or gets verbally abusive I hang up.
It does feel horrible to see our kids spiral out of control and feel like we are doing nothing to help them. But, the truth is that they don't need our help to live as homeless addicts. It is harder (less black and white) when they talk about wanting to change. I helped find my daughter 2 placements. She ran away from one and had a rage at the other and got kicked out. She needs to work out finding placements, treatment and figure out how it will be paid for. I just direct her to her Chemical Dependency worker, her social worker, her PO and her representative payee. She is an adult who is not going to school and has been dropped from our insurance, even if I wanted to, I don't have the finances to help her.
You are a total, nonstop enabler. Just stop helping him. Dont talk about it, do it. Tell junior he is on his own. If he dies, which is a possibily with or without you, you will not have been responsible. In the meanwhile you are letting yourself be used and are prolonging the suffering.
Anonymous,...why is it that you need to say what you say so harshly ? There are different ways to say the same idea. Is that why you're totally anonymous ? Damn.
I'm sorry your going thru this again Barbara. If he wants to go to an out of state rehab then let him find it and figure out how to pay for it. He has a friend he can ask about it. Is he on probation? If so could he even go out of state? You need to do whatever you can live with but, at some point Keven does need to figure out things for himself. I know, I know it's so damn hard and hard to know what to do- like I said botton line is you have to be able to live with whatever you choose. I've been in your shoes many, many, many times. My son is looking into treatment again. It would be the 4th or 5th in 2 yrs. Thinking of you and Keven.
I am so sorry. Is he ok?
Barbara, are you ok? Thinking of you... and hoping for the best.
I do the same thing and you are not alone! it is not right to turn your back on your son when he cries out for help. No one knows when the cry is not the one of the wolf but the one of a sad and scared little boy who needs him mom to help him..... Try teen challenge, they can move him to any state..... it is about $1k a month but they have scholarships for the indigent. He is not your dependent technically so he can qualify. It is 13 months and has a 78% success rate. stevie says he is going when he gets out.
Is he doing meth too? Stevie is and those are the same symptoms he is experiencing but the jail will not transport him. I guess it is the new speedball.
Call me whenever to text..... I am here!
I'm anonymous only because I can't figure out how not to be on the comment form but its me Kris B and I will always sign my name.The situation...oh I've been there. Let Keven do the work. Let him research. Leave it to him. The desperation from a hospital bed is soon forgotten by the addict.Its real, but is usually temporary. He's resourceful. He can do it. There are agencies that will help him. Be the Mom. Love him. But try to put it in his lap. Love yu, Kris B
What Annette said. It's the same old song and dance, dog and pony show, whatever you want to call it. If he wants to die, you can't stop him. He does not stay in the rehab. If it helped a friend it does not mean that it will help him. He needs to want it, here or there makes no difference. Out of state will even cost more. You should not pay for it. It is a senseless merry go round. I have no answers anymore. He really should be on his own. I keep you and Keven in my prayers and hope something will give. It is hard to watch, even from a distance. Be strong!
Big HUG!
Dear Barbara,
I am so sorry you have had another rough couple of days. We can all reason that you need to 'totally' detach from Keven and his addiction, but I, personally, just can not imagine how hard this would be to do. I therefore send you my love, hope and prayers! Hugs and support!
Shelley in SK
Barbara,
I am sorry. Hang in there. I know we can only do what we can live with.
Lauren
I am so sorry that he has not yet gotten his "moment of clairty"...
You asked....
"Where is he going to find the strength and the will to pick himself up and stop"...my opinion on this answer is (from my OWN experience) is as soon as you (his family) stop trying to do it for him!
That is the harsh reality...sorry to be so blunt...but you truly are simply prolonging his agony-he will either die or get recovery but neither will happen as long as you are trying to do it for him or even help him. My opinion only....
sending prayers your way, what you have been going thru is so hard. Do what you can live with, but just remember, you have to live your life, Keven has to live his. You have done so much for him. I have to say I constantly remind myself of this. It is easy to say, hard to do. I repeat this a lot in my head. I read it on another blog, do what you can live with. and what else can you do? Nothing you have done changes anything, it is Keven's choice.
Barbara, maybe Keven feels unwanted even when he is with you. None of us can make another person love themselves. Someway, some time, he will either learn to love himself enough to want to live or he won't. I don't think that there is anything you can do to make that happen. It has to come from within the person. I keep hoping that Keven will realize that and that you will also love yourself as well.
Barbara - What a lousy couple of days you have had. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Dam it! Is he ready to fight for his life yet?
Yes, moving out of state gives him fewer resources to skip out of treatment (no friends or family close by), but Keven is so resourceful. Kelly's blog this week listed free resources in several states, and someone mentioned teenchallenge, which is an excellent program.
If he is on probation they may or may not agree to a transfer if he makes a case to leave. He needs permission from both states for a transfer.
I don't know how I would handle it, I don't know what I would do. I am just really sorry you are going through this.
I feel the same as Tori I have absolutely no idea how I would handle this either. I am so sad this happened and am praying for wisdom for you as to what your next step should be. I have heard wonderful thing about teen challenge though it is a Christian based program which may be exactly what he needs we need a miracle here.
I'm sorry, Barbara, for the panic, frustration, and desperation you may be feeling. I have no advice, though, I'm praying for you and your son. It is so hard.
The only thing about Youth Challenge is that it's not a 12 step program. Hang in there Barbara. Thinking of you.
Oh my, this sounds so hard. Parenting an addict is so hard; so exhausting. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there, let go where you can,go gentle on yourself, do the best you can and take good care of yourself. Perhaps this pain will bring him what he needs. Perhaps this time he will "get it."
Check out my new blog...Maribelle's Musings. Thanks!
How are you today Barbara? I'm thinking of you...
Barbara:
I read this post last night before going to bed. Here I am again this morning trying to find words to send to you and I'm again coming up short. A wise person once told me to "get out of the way of your son's recovery." Those words really stung. How could I be standing in the way of the very thing I wanted so desperately for him? I've never forgotten her comment. You and Keven are in my thoughts and prayers. This disease is so cruel.
I had suggested it to you privately, but now I'll post it for the world...send him out of state. Just do it. He needs to get away from his stomping grounds and stay away, possibly FOREVER! He is a very sick boy right now.
Put it this way, you WANT to help. Fact is, you simply MUST help. It is who you are. So do this final thing...kiss him goodbye and put him on a plane.
Best case scenario, he gets healthy and sober. Worst case scenario, he leaves the rehab or sober home and uses. Either way, the drama is out of your hands. Do not bring him back. Do not send him money. It's over!
I did this with my son when I sent him from Michigan to Florida. I held zero expectations that he would get sober let alone stay sober. I did tell him that he was completely on his own. I would not bail him out. If he's kicked out, he's homeless, period! It's so so so hard, but made easy by distance.
Just do it. Dawn Farms in Michigan is an excellent rehab. It is an actual farm that the addicts have to work. He would have to contact them, as they only want to hear from the addict who is serious about getting well. He may have to call and call and call to prove himself. They offer a detox in a separate house for free...but beds are hard to come by, and they only take the most dedicated. If you want a sober living environment, Oxford House is outstanding. They are all over the country...pick one. They will interview him, as they don't take just anyone looking for a bed. They expect dedication to recovery. They have zero tolerance.
You are in my prayers! Email me if you want to talk more. (sorry for the long comment)
Oh and in the meantime, while you are waiting for a bed, take him to a shelter. Be strong, Barb. His life is at stake...and you are not responsible for what HE does when finally faced with his own consequences. Remember that.
Praying for strength and wisdom for you.
A program similar to Outward Bound but for addicts would be so great. It sounds from all the comments that there is something like that out there. Something that builds their confidence and challenges them to do more.
I know finances are a roadblock. Praying for that too.
Big hugs to you and Keven.
I am so sorry about all this Barbara. I honestly don't know what to say, or what to suggest. But I wanted to comment anyway to show you support and to let you know that you and Keven are always in my thoughts.
I'm so sorry Barbara.
You are enabling him AND YOU KNOW IT girlfriend!
You are not helping him, only making it worse for him. Perhaps you need to have him in your life, in any form for your own happiness? Are you a fixer? I don't know, only you do.
The Salvation Army is FREE and available in every state I believe.
Help him and help yourself. Walk away. He may die, Barbara, but he will NEVER get better until you walk away. That's a fact.
I know how hard that is- I am living the nightmare right now. I shut the door, and guess what. He is surviving.
This is a horrible place for us to be honey, but it is what it is. oxox
I agree with Not My Boy. keven will have a much better chance away from people & places he knows. IF HE really wants recovery, he too can have it as others do. He seems to be stubborn though (aren't they all, at least for awhile,...or a long while?). What I mean, is that even though he may even want recovery, he doesn't want to or seem to be willing to do what's been recommended to him to make it happen. He wants to do it his way. I realize that's so typical,...nevertheless,...NOT working for him. I know I'm not saying what you don't know,....but what Keven seems to fight. If he'd REALLY give the 12 steps a chance ALL the way,...get a sponsor & do all that the sponsor thinks he should,....he'd really have a good shot at recovery. And yes, doing those things are such hard work, while he's so fresh from all those drugs affecting his brain,...causing the urges to use.. I'm praying he's willing to keep trying.
D has done the absolute best he's ever done (despite his recent relapse) once he was far away from his home turf. We'd tapped out our finances, which is why he went to FLA., only because there was a rehab there (twelve Oaks) that took our insurance, miraculously,...since its Tricare. I'm hoping you are able to get any rehab. covered by insurance, because to throw hard earned $ into this is so risky.
Please just take one day at a time. We all care about you. You deserve peace.
Barbara:
It is hard for me to give advice to you; much less tell you what will work or will not work. The only thing I know is that you can't fix it. And in your head and your heart you know that. We all know that. And each parent or loved one of an addict has a different tolerance level. That means some step away sooner than others. Some parents and loved ones never step away. Only you can decide when you are ready to let Keven deal with this.
Back when Bryan was in the thick of his addiction and at his 2nd or 3rd rehab, I had him seeing a private therapist who specialized in addiction; and Bryan manipulated and lied to her all over the place. I also saw her separately and she said something to me that always stuck. Bryan never had trouble figuring out how to get his hands on drugs and syringes and whatever other drugs, tools and paraphernalia (sorry if I misspelled that) he needed. Yet, he'd say, "I don't know how to find a rehab that will work or I don't know how to pay for it. He use to say "I can't find a meeting to go to." When an addict is truly ready to recover, he or she will put as much energy into recovery as they do into drug use. And I believe that to be true.And once they do that, they recover. I truly believe that. Our children that do multiple rehabs and have multiple relapses are about not being ready, they are not about the quality of the rehab, because recovery is more about what is inside of them at that point and not the program, the counselor or the location. I know others will disagree with me, on this, but I am simply stating my point of view.
I disagree with others about out of state. I don't think it will make a difference. Rehab next door will make a difference only when Keven himself is truly ready.
(Notice that my comments are about Keven and not about you.)
Refresh your memory and go back and reread Codependent No More. Focus on your own well being; and Keven may then focus on his own. And during all of this you never have to say to him "I don't love you anymore." You will always be able to say "I love you with all my heart." When he is truly ready inside his own heart and head, he will agree with you and thank you. And I don't know if he will get there or not. It will be up to Keven when it is all said and done.
I love you very much and I think of you every single day.
Barbara, I think Lisa gave you very good advice. Rehab IS next door if you want it.
Actually I'd take that a step further and say Rehab starts with the first step which is inside the addict's heart.
We can't reach that spot.
(((hugs)))
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