As I sit here fighting back tears, I know in my mind that the outcome of today's court appearance is the right one. I am grateful for the awesome judge and public defender and others that met about K and discussed his case and determined the best route would be a 90 day in-patient treatment center (PH). My logic, my sensibilities, my knowledge of drug addiction - all of those things are in complete agreement that this is exactly what my son needs.My heart, on the other hand, is breaking.
The look on his face, the fear in his eyes, the realization that he was not going to be home for a long time...hurt me deeply.
He will be gone for my birthday, his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and possible even Valentine's Day. What really hurts is that he won't get to see D and Wyatt* when they are here to visit from Germany for Christmas.
I won't be able to see or TALK to him for his first thirty days there.
They currently have no openings so the judge sentenced him to 107 days in jail but said he would be transferred to PH at the first available opening (which typically takes 6 - 8 weeks).
I know some of you have been through this with your kids - what was it like for you? For them? Did it help? Were you able to enjoy holidays without your child home? Please let me know.
I have heard of PH both good and bad) but don't even have the desire to research it right now. I just want to hug my son. That's all I want to do right now.
Thanks for caring.
Why does this hurt so bad? Its what I wanted - court ordered drug treatment. I just can't get that look on his face out of my mind....
*D is K's cousin who has been in Germany for the last year (her husband is stationed there in the Army) and Wyatt is her son (age 7). We are a small and close family. Its going to be hard on all three of them if they can't see each other.
10 comments:
Erin, thanks I love you too. I think I will get him back.
Sue, thanks darlin. I am happy now too (well not happy but grateful). This is what he needs.
Madison, I am so glad you shared that, its very positive and helpful to hear. I never even considered I might be able to see him on those holidays! I hope so.
Lilo, hugs back. Thanks for your ongoing care and support, it means a lot to me.
Mom, thank you very much. I feel so much better now that I got all the crying out of the way and have moved into the acceptance and GRATEFULNESS.
Iris, you are such a dear person. Thanks for your kind encouraging words. I do believe something good will come from this :P)
I'm glad Keven is getting the chance he needs to be able to recover. He's been in jail this long, a few more days may help to keep him from od-ing. I'm sorry that this has been so hard on you, I really am. I hope this is what he needs to be able to get on track. You have work to do as well, don't assume Keven will be the only one in treatment. They will eventually have you in to attend meetings and such to help you learn how to help Keven without actually over-helping. I think this may turn out to be a great thing. I hope so at least. Hopefully your sister will attend with you and the two of you can stand together.
Sometimes the best medicine is the most bitter medicine.
Look at this from his side instead of your side. He will not be there for your birthday, he will spend his birthday locked away, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years all alone without his family. Be real about this, pain is good for an addict. He needs this pain to see how far the drugs have taken him from reality. If these days are important to him, which I hope they are, he needs this and there really can be no better time or place for him to be than away for these events.
I have learned selfeshness is a part of being a loved on of an addict. We want something that is impossible for us to achieve. We want our loved one back, right now. Our loved one will only come back on their timetable and their terms. We must accept that and learn to live in that reality.
Keven got lucky. He got what you knew he needed. You can be sad he is away but you also need to rejoice he is away. He will be safe, he will not be using, he will have 24 hour supervision. Mom, the reality is this is something you could not provide. Although the conditions of life may not be pleasant in the way we view life, in the long run this is a good step.
Hang in there. You know we all out here have your back. Put on a good front and march forward with pride because you actually helped to accomplish what you set out to do. You got Keven into treatment. BE PROUD, you are a good mom.
Faith is to walk before you can see what is around the next corner. What if...this is what it is going to take to get him sober...once and for always. In hindsight, you might be grateful that he only missed these holidays once. I try to picture my loved ones sitting in the hands (like the insurance commercial) of God. He's in good hands with God. There is so much relief in letting go. Big hugs and prayers to you and your family.
Barbara I can't begin to tell you how much my heart goes out to you. I just hate this for you. I know this decision is the best decision for Kevin but I also know it hurts like hell for everybody involved. I'm praying that he will take it seriously and get the help he needs.
Barbara, I can't comment about children and what it feels like to know that they are not going to be home. But somehow this may be beneficial to your son. Maybe it will make him think. Maybe it will be the start of a new life for him. I hope so.
Amber, thanks. Its tough but I am still happy about all the good things including your recent news times two :)
Hi K-Bob, I hope Keven learns too. Just got off the phone with him and he sounded really good.
Syd, he just said almost those exact words to me on the phone (with a lot of f bombs thrown in, which I am immune to these days, seems to be part of teen language and little things like that don't phase me anymore). He wants a NEW LIFE and is willing to work for it. He even said he is not doing this for me, he's doing it for him. I am glad he gets that part!
thats great that he gets to go to treatment, that will defenitley help him. and from what youve told me about him and what ive read on your blogs hes a stong kid and he will make it through this, and I guarantee that you will too because youve help make me stronger.
_Carrie
Honey we ALL need all the help we can get. I hope maybe it can help you resolve some of the feelings left over from your childhood. Life is a changin' girl! Hopefully by next birthday all will be well and happy.
I think any recovery is better than none at all. My son was just completing his 90 days at an inpatient, when he relapsed. While I'm sad about this, I don't look at his 90 days as wasted, he just needs to get back on track again. I'm hoping that you feel the peace that we feel when our son is in recovery.
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