Annette mentioned in a comment below that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that too, do you? I used to hate the thought of that because it always made me think "what was he reason my dad had to die when he was so young?". I still haven't figured that out because I think my life would have been different (better) if he had lived. But I may not have had Keven....I probably would have got married and had a family the normal way because I would have been a different person if my dad was around during my teens and my life would have taken a different direction.
Anyhow, I feel better today. Thanks for the support yesterday. My plan is to go visit him today (I am so lucky its only a short drive) and have a talk with him face to face about what's going on and what will most likely happen next.
We still have an attorney and she called me twice yesterday. She knew all about this before Keven or I did since she works closely with his PO. She also knows the judge really well and thinks after her initial anger at Keven wears off she will give him yet another "final chance" and send him back to Cornerstone. Unfortunately this means back to "Extended Care" which means at least $10,000 (or more). My family is tapped out financially because of Keven, so I dug out all my credit cards (I had several in a drawer with 0 balance) and am going to max them all out to pay for it. I already have four maxed our cards so what the hell....what's another 10 grand right????
I refuse to let this get me down. I have "relapsed" myself by not taking care of myself like I should and spending too much time focused on Keven and Anthony.
Speaking of Ant - I know I said I was done with him, of course that was said in anger. I went to see him two days ago and it was pathetic. He'd been off heroin for days but was so high he could barely stand up, his eyes were half closed and he was slurring his words. He doesn't remember me being there. He was taking Suboxone and eating chocolate bars laced with hash oil. Lovely. He even insisted that I take a few home so I did, and tossed them in the trash.
At least he's in a detox now and from there off to yet another rehab. I kind of am done with him. I love him, but I am closing the door now so it won't hurt so much to see him either incarcerated or buried. I don't think he's going to make it long in this world.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
8 comments:
I am really sorry about Keven's relapse Barbara. I continue to pray and hope with you. You might want to consider other alternatives before you do $10k on your cards. Keven is old enough to be able to work through rehab on his own dime without his mommy's help. In retrospect, none of the rehab really helped my son because I wanted it more than he did. That said, I know how difficult this stuff is.
I wrote about that cliche a few years ago here. My thinking is that the reasons some things happen is to bring inner change to our lives - and I am not all that keen on the way that change has come in my life.. but I rejoice that it has come.. sort of. :)
I am sorry Barbara...and so scared for J to come home
Barbara, so good to hear you are getting your mojo back. Kansas Bob is right though. It's up to Keven to make it or brake it. He is young and has his whole life ahead of him. You should only go into debt for him if it was for his college eduction, if for anything at all. Maybe the court can get him in a free rehab if you can't afford it. I keep my fingers crossed that things will work out.
Ok the thing is, you are sending yourself into thousands of dollars worth of debt to afford rehab that isn't working. That just seems, I'm sorry, stupid. Maybe if he has to pay for it for once, it'll actually work this time.
I know he is your son and you love him. I get that. But you are putting yourself further in the hole to bail him out of his poor decisions.
If it were 10K of college debt I'd understand. And if this was his first rehab stint I'd understand. But how far in the hole are you going to go when you don't even currently have a job to bail yourslef back out?
Sorry to hear about your son, Keven. Remember your motto, Recovery Happens. Yes, it does. He's got to want it though, I know you know that. It's his choice, recovery, or not. Thinking of you...
I am so impressed with your continued positive attitude. I can only hope that Keven is attempting to feel as positive about his recovery as you are.
I have to agree with several of the posts, that maybe it is time for Keven to work out the dollars and "sense" of rehab. Although I certainly understand where you are coming from, my friend.
Hang in there and you and Keven (and Ant) remain in my prayers.
Well actuallyyyy, I think I said, that nothing is ever an accident. And yes, I do believe it. I think that everything usually works out the way it is supposed to when we surrender our will to our Higher Power and go along for the ride. Even when things seem really bad, they usually are used for good in our lives in some unexpected way. We learn a lot from our hardships vs. times of smooth sailing. In regards to rehab, I think that you Barbara know better than anyone what is right for you in your walk with Keven and that is what you should do. It may not be what I would do, but that doesn't make it wrong for you. The one thing I would caution against is making a hasty decision and making a decision based on emotion. Look at the facts and take your time.
You know, Barb, I also believe everything happens for a reason. I recently posted something about this on my blog. I think that we may not know what the reasons for some things are, but I do believe that one day...the meaning in it all will be revealed to us. Every action, has a reaction, and a chain of reactions can lead to life changes, large or small. All the pieces fit together, and one day, I think we will have a higher understanding of the nature of this universe. I do not believe it is all random happenstance...
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