I feel much more peaceful today. Yesterday was awful, Thursday night was horrible, but today, he's in jail and I have a new perspective and a new plan. Thanks for all the helpful comments and thanks for being straight up with me. I rather have someone tell me the truth even if it hurts or humiliates me than to hold back. (wow maybe I should not have shared that...lol).
I was just sitting here at work bored to pieces thinking about how addicts have so many similarities with one another. I'm sure any of us that have been around awhile could compile a list, I think I have one somewhere on this blog.
But when it comes to what motivated them to finally stop using, the similarities end. And some never stop.
I had a good talk with Anthony's grandmother last night. She brings up her daughter (Ant's mother) every now and then so I knew it didn't bother her to talk about her. I got brave and asked her "how did you survive losing her?" I've always heard that losing a child is the most painful thing a person can experience (and I don't doubt it for a second).
She said, "Honestly, I don't know. I had to hold it together for the boys (age 14 & 12 at the time) so I put one foot in front of the other and did what I had to do. Anthony and I cried a lot together, he was very open about his grief, but his brother to this day won't talk about it."
Then she kind of got a faraway sound in her voice. "Sometimes there is nothing that will stop an addict. Losing her children didn't stop her, being burned over 80% of her body didn't stop her....Losing his mother didn't stop Anthony, losing his best friend didn't stop him, losing his son didn't stop him, being of life support didn't stop him....I don't know if he will ever stop".
Then I had a similar conversation, via text, with Keven's gf, she eventually she did stop. She said she'd been using since she was 12 years old, all kinds of drugs. She went to prison for 3 years and that didn't stop her. She got pregnant and that stopped her for several years. When she started using again CPS took her son away and that stopped her for good (so far). Today she's clean and is a good mother to her son 6 year old son (who is named after a rocker from the 80's....anyone want to guess which one?).
So we may think our loved one has reached that ONE THING that will stop them in their tracks (no pun intended) but it means nothing unless its the thing that matters to them. And even then, when the desire is so great to stop using, so many just can't seem to do it - or is they won't do it? This is what bothers me the most, is wondering, will it ever happen or do I need to accept that this could be his lifestyle forever.
12 comments:
I am glad that things are better today. And that is the way that I think about things. He is a mess today. Who knows about the "ever" part? I have found that if I focus on me and my life today, lots of things are possible. It sounds as if Anthony's grandmother is a wise person. She has come to terms with much.
Barbara, you make it sound like the addict has NO control over using at all. Like some are doomed, and yes, some are. But they are the minority. They are people who have untreated mental illness, and no family support. They never get to talk to a psychiatrist or ever have access to medicine. They are homeless, and have no resources to help themselves. Society's outcasts. Most middle class addicts have the benefit of family, stability, therapists, medicine, etc. Even in prison they are treated. There is every reason to believe they will quit at SOME point.. but we non addicts have no idea and really cannot speculate where that point is. We can only support efforts from them to help themselves.
Do you go to open AA meetings? You will see lots of old alcoholics and addicts who quit in their own time. I too have looked for some kind of "formula" among my son's old crowd. There is none.
Kevin is safe. Do good things for yourself, read positive blogs or books, go to a movie by yourself. That "one thing" will come someday, but you could miss a lot of life waiting for it.
XOXOXO
Syd, your'e right. I'm just not having an easy time letting go right now. I want to look in my crystal ball and know exactly when and why he stops. Silly, huh?
Lou, I haven't been to an open AA for a long time, but that sounds like a good idea. Keven's new sponsor is an old guy, I like that.
Funny you should mention movies. I was going to take myself to one this weekend but can't decide if I want to see "The Help" or not. I read the book and enjoyed it so do I need to see the movie? I might see the new Steve Carrel movie.
I too believe that some may never stop. They need to address the underlying issues and for some that's not easy. I also believe rehab should be a minimum of 60 days - our insurance would never pay for more than 28 days. Addiction stinks! I'm glad today is a better day for you and Keven is where he needs to be. Do something for yourself this weekend!
Barbara, If you were to put all of this focus and soul searching into doing things for yourself instead of trying to figure out the future, I think you'd feel so much better. I find that my son, Will, doesn't worry too much when I do the worrying for him. When I let go....REALLY let go, I am amazed that he will start taking on his own worry and responsibility. Get out of his way! Show him, by example, how you take care of yourself and maybe he will follow suit. Maybe if you let him deal with his own problems it will tell him that you believe that he can do it. Start a new direction of the snowball....let him build his own confidence...let him figure out his own sobriety. You won't be sorry.
So glad you are better. Enjoy the weekend. Love and peace.
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Addiction isn't a "lifestyle" it's a disease. And it's incurable. But like any potentially fatal disease, it can go into "remission". Those periods of remission can be short or last for the rest of the addict's life. I believe the addict has the tools and coping skills, if he uses them, to control the length of his remission.
Bottom line: this is a lifelong disease which can only be conrolled by the addict.
And because it is lifelong, we best continue to work on our own survival skills. Becasue we can't work on theirs.
Once I was able to accept that, it was so much easier to let go. I am not a doctor, I don't have the skills to treat their disease. They are in control of their own treatment or lack thereof.
Both my addicts are in remission; one for 5 months, the other for 3+ years. Do I know they could relapse at any time? You bet I do. Do I think about it? No. I've learned not to project. It's a discipline I practice everyday.
Glad you're doing better.
God Bless
Most reputable studies say that about 30% never get it, 30% get it after repeated relapses and 30% get it the first time. That leaves an unknown 10%.
I'm wondering if the same percentages hold true for co-dependents of addicts/alcoholics. Do some never get it and some do after repeated failures and some just hear it once and get it?
I really am curious about that. Because I do think that co-dependency can be as much of an addiction as drug/alcohol use and just as hard to give up.
Jackie
What did Anonymous say?
I am glad you are feeling better. I should have met you for a movie this weekend.
I have often thought the same thing. I catch myself getting caught up in things and then I get reminded on this blog that I am repeating the same mistakes. It is a strong indication to me that our addict also needs continued support from other people that understand. If it is so easy for me to fall back in to my old pattern it will be for him.
I am working on things and writing out the things I will do different when B is released this time. It has nothing to do with his recovery it has to do with mine.
I like what Jackie wrote about co-dependency being just as much as an addiction. How true that is. I was addicted to saving B. I continue to struggle with it.
I bet it's Axle
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