First of all, thanks for all the comments. I mean it, I needed another wake-up call (as usual).
I am angry at myself because I should have said no to our attorney when she asked me to pick up Keven and bring him home. It was my first time of denying him a place to stay and it got ruined. I am also angry at her for even suggesting it because she praised me for telling him that he couldn't come home.
I am angry that his PO is too "swamped" to come by our house and take him into custody (she lives not far from us) and now I am stuck driving him to Santa Ana in rush hour traffic on my day off.
I am angry most of all at Keven for lying, manipulating, etc. And on top of all that I am infuriated that I woke up at 2 am and noticed his light was on and guess what he was doing in his room? UNDER MY ROOF!
All of you who left comments were so right. I do need to re-read Co-dependent No More. I am so frigging mad at myself for being so stupid and so naive and so willing to "pretend" that he's not a conniving, dishonest, addict. I'm embarrassed and ashamed because I KNOW BETTER.
Oh - and I can't remember who asked why I needed Keven's sponsors phone number - I don't need it and didn't ask for it, he just offered. At the time I was too busy checking out his black eyeliner and blue eyes to really think about how odd it was for him to offer that. I don't have the number, I don't want the number.
QUESTION: How do you balance the anger, disgust and disappointment with the compassion, understanding and support? If its a disease, than these behaviors are all symptoms. Only he can choose to get well, but how do you do that when you're so sick you can't seem to do what it takes to get there.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
P.S. I am going to drop him off at somewhere that is convenient to me and give him the choice to walk 6 blocks to be arrested or choose to walk the other direction to buy drugs. Where the hell he gets money, I have no idea and I don't even want to know.
P.S.S. There is no public transportation to Santa Ana this time of day so the bus is not an option. He has no friends he can call because he's pretty much lost them all, even his childhood buddies who have been by his side (since age 5!) are not interested in seeing him anymore. So that is why I am driving him, that and because I want him in jail and I want to see if he passes the test of choosing to walk toward custody or to walk toward drugs.
19 comments:
It's Keven's issue how he gets there.
Yes it is a disease but you are not the person qualified to treat the disease or symptoms. At some point you need to leave it to Keven and the professionals.
If he had cancer would you do things purposely against his best treatment options and what the professioanls said just because you don't like to see him sick or hurt? Same here, you need to allow Keven to find the treatment he needs, follow the course of action and, do the work without your interference. It is possible to love and not be an enabler. Ever tried the phrase, "Yes son, I know it is hard but this is your issue. I still love you but I cannot help you do this." No other discussion about enabling is required after that statement.
Thanks, Ron. You're right. I've heard a lot of parents say they reached a point where "enough was enough" and they were able to step back in the way you suggested. I guess it takes some of us longer to get to that point. But...better late than never right?
Go Barbara Go.
We all need a "smack to the back of the head" once in awhile. We can't see straight sometimes for the mess we've allowed ourselves to get sucked into.
You'll be okay. As for K, that's his choice.
God Bless
Thanks, yaya. I felt your smack pretty hard :)
Barbara, I wrote a post this morning after reading your blog. It may apply to what you are doing, it may not. But I hear a lot of parents and spouses say that nothing changed until they quit enabling and let their loved one accept the consequences. It is hard but necessary. I truly believe that if Keven knows how to score drugs, then he will figure a way to get to jail and get other necessities. He is still in addict mode. And you cannot stop that. Thinking of you.
Barbara,
I don't want to pile on but until you deeply internalize what is going on with Keven and you the dynamic will not change. That is exactly how it was for me. When I was able to do that I wrote something about my learning. Maybe it would help you now.
http://intervene.drugfree.org/2009/11/7-truths-about-my-addict-that-took-5-years-to-learn/
Take those truths you know and have heard before and write your own dialouge. Just like the old saying about goals, if they aren't written down they are wishes.
Write out what it means to you and go back and read them over and over and over again. That is what I did. I read them to burn them into my soul for the benefit of Alex.
You wrote, "I am angry most of all at Keven for lying, manipulating, etc. And on top of all that I am infuriated that I woke up at 2 am and noticed his light was on and guess what he was doing in his room? UNDER MY ROOF!"
I read on someone else's blog the other day something that really struck me, made me chuckle and is so appropriate for what you just wrote. (I am paraphrasing)
If you went to the park and sat on a bench where pigeons usually gathered would you be angry when the pigeon pooped on your head? That is what pigeons do. Are you angry because Keven used in your home? That is what addicts do.
My boundary and common sense tells me not to sit on a bench where pigeons gather or I will be pooped on. My boundary says if I do not want an addict to use drugs in my home I cannot allow them in my home or they must be observed 100% of the time.
Being an alcoholic with 5 years of continuous sobriety, I had to come to want my recovery, there was no one who was going to do it for me, although I tried that!
My mother was a drug addict, she died at 39 because she could not get sober or clean, there was nothing I could do that would Make her want to be sober or clean.
I viewed it like she had a disease of cancer, she had to want and get the treatment, there was only so much my family and i could do and sometimes in life, it isn't enough.
I am sorry that this is happening in your life, one thing I have noticed with meditation is I follow my intuition more and more, and you stated in the beginning of the post that you wished you'd listened...that is some good stuff there!!!
Codependent No More is an excellent resource!!!
Much love
Barbara, The thing that helped me the most was to seperate the addiction from my son. One day he came in and I knew he was using because he sounded and looked different and he had an agenda. I thought about it and realized that addiction was holding my son hostage. I look at addiction like it is satan himself. So, when I'm talking to the addict, I'm talking to satan. Then, it is no problem telling satan to get the hell out of my house and to figure out his own way....when sober son is back, he is welcome and I love and miss him, but addiction has no place in my life, my house, or around the rest of our family. When I reframed it that way, it got easier. I even refused to give him his coat in winter because it had a lot of pockets and I could see him selling pot to make money for drugs. It's hard to get mad at our children. But, an enemy of our children is an easy mark. Addiction holds Keaven hostage and won't let him out. Don't support addiction with money, food, transportation or communication. When we did that, our son hit his bottom. Now we talk about me kicking him out, telling him not to call, hanging up on him(drunk) on Thanksgiving...and I tell him I don't regret it for one minute....lately he said, Mom, I'm glad you did. But, he didn't at the time...I was still talking to the drugs. Stay mad Barbara, but not at Keaven...at addiction. Addiction is calling all the shots until you take back your power. You can do it!!
Barbara-
It is a disease but it is its own disease with its own symptoms and its own treatments.
When I was drinking, I blamed everyone and everything. It wasn't me that was the problem, it was my family, the world, the abuse I experienced as a child, everything but me. I was not sick, I was a victim.
Now, I hear this: "if I am not the problem, I have no solution". That is the exact opposite of being a victim. It says that my life is mine to control and mine to figure out. I can't control anyone's behavior but mine.
That's the gift you can give Keven. That he is the problem and he is the solution. As long as you are the solution he is a victim.
I hope this isn't as confusing to read as I think it is.
I am a parent and I think it must be horrifying to standby and watch and know your child can die and to think that there is just some action that you could take, if you just knew what it was, that would make them ok, make them see the harm they are doing to themselves and others.
In my last year of drinking, I fell and hit my head against a sink. I ended up in the ER. My blood alcohol was .42. My face was smashed. I should be dead. Two days later I started drinking again.
Recently my oldest son told me that he had wanted to take a picture of me that morning in the ER, thinking that would make me come to my senses. I told him that at that time, where I was, it would have given me one more excuse to drink.
I had to be ready. Keven has to be ready. The best way you can speed up the process is to do nothing. It's scary and its a race with total disaster but you are not in charge of the race.
I wish you peace more than you know.
If you're going to take him to get arrested - go all the way. Don't drop him off someplace where he gets to make (possibly) another bad choice. Because if something BAD were to happen because of the choice he makes, you might wind up blaming yourself - and he won't care. Take him all the way there. Don't give him choices - you KNOW what he's likely going to do.
I just print out the comments on the last two posts to email to my sister since she's basically he's other parent.
Lceel - I have not taken him anywhere yet. He got sick, called his PO, told her he would be in later and has been sleeping. I woke him up and told him he better take a shower now if he wants one cause the cops could be arriving any minute. He asked me to take him, I said ok, he took a shower and went back to bed. He's very sick because he used a lot of drugs.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU EVERYONE!
Barbara,..first of all, I'm so sorry....this totally sucks,obviously. I have been concerned recently that I went too far when I asked you if you were sure he hadn't been using, due to his behavior...and how difficult he'd been acting. I swear,..the using makes assholes of them behaviorally,..we all know that...and pretty much the oppposite is also true, at some level,.although not all the way. For they do still need to change themselves at the core, through the process of recovery...to not be so self centered in the first place,..so wrapped up in themselves..that they turn to the drugs. Like you said..when they're still so sick, how do they start changing their behavior & decision making toward what is needed ? I agree...and the first thing OF COURSE is to not have any drugs possibly available and get it all out their system, which takes awhile...not just through the detox period. From there, they have a shot at working on recovery...so it's very good,..very good, that he has a sponsor,..hopefully will LISTEN and do what he is asked to do by the sponsor. Could he possibly try Naltrexone again...maybe at a different dose level so he doesn't get sick? Are you sure he never was using when he did try it before? If so, it would have made him sick. I really hear how helpful it can be to remove the cravings...all biochemical, after all. That could give him a shot on wanting to work on and actually doing what he needs to for his recovery.
And I agree with LceeL,...take him all the way there if you're going to give him a ride at all. His addiction is SO IN CHARGE right now that there's not much chance for him to choose the right thing. He's so not even close to that yet....it's overpowering any good intentions he possibly has.
And yes....I agree that he does need to know there will be/or is a time that he has NO options with NO ONE willing to help him if he's not choosing recovery. And I also KNOW how very very hard that is for you to do....but it really IS do-able...it IS. I'm pulling for you and for him. I love you ...and am praying for you both.
I can feel the manipulation all the way across the country from CA to TN... Oh Barbara, too sick to get up. Well, I'd call an ambulance. Your patience can be stretched further than mine ever could. Now it's your time to step back. Your life is on hold while your son is using drugs and using you! Please break the cycle. If he won't, remember you can! You have a right to walk away. Please do. I care and wish you strength. Remember, Ron said it best!
Wow...I've read all the comments and fill like I've been hit in the head with a 2x4...and well deserved, I might add. I too have a son that is addicted. He is 38 and has even served some time. Because we felt like he was making a turn, we posted a sizeaable bond for him a year ago. Since that time, he has not worked, has done nothing the courts tell him to do, but they keep giving him a new court date...dragging out the whole deal. If he were doing something to help himself, I wouldn't mind... but he is not. Today he went to court again and asked for time to secure a new atty. He has no money, so no way to secure one, but they gave him 'til October. In the meantime, we are so sick of the whole thing. He is beligerent with us when we try to communicate with him. If I knew how to divorce a child, I would at this point. We can revoke (surrender is the term the court uses) the bond and have him picked up by a bounty hunter and thrown in jail, thereby getting the bond money back. I ask myself if I can live with that. You know, I think I can. At least I wouldn't flinch everytime the phone rang...and he would have three meals a day. He has been an addict since 14. You would think I would have given up hope by now. Like I said the 2x4 was well deserved. Listen up Barbara, the longer we supply a safety net the longer they will manipulate us. Believe me...I know. Prayers!!
Wow, this group of people who read and comment on your blog are just amazing, Barbara. So much hard-earned wisdom, it's astounding to see.
I think your anger is good. A co-dependent who is feeling their anger is a co-dependent learning not to be one anymore (at least, that's how it feels for me). No one quits heroin in five minutes, nor does a co-dependent quit co-dependency in five minutes either (unfortunately).
I so love what you say in your comment, Jackie. Wonderful stuff.
Be angry, be sad, be confused. It is all normal and human. Just remember something I think you said in one of your blogs, we are works in progess.
Don't know you but feel like if I met you one time I'd be comfortable giving you a big hug.
I pray that you find some peace soon.
Terri
Dear Barbara,
I don't have much time, and came here out of a gut feeling. I'm sorry for you. And for Kevin. Addiction is evil. So is mental illness. It is very confusing to separate the two. I don't have any advice. I surely don't. I am in the same shoes as you, only the psychiatrist will not even think of addressing the addiction and are trying to keep him in institution. I say hey, test his blood. They say no reason! Oh I'm mad too!!! On fire! At the doctors for neglecting the addiction and my son for using. And what can I do about the schizophrenia!??? Dang it's hard.
I pray that healing comes to our family. I pray that healing comes to my son and yours. I beg God every single day to tell me, guide me but I don't get an answer. I wonder if God has abandoned us both!
Please Dear God help me I scream and cry every day!
So, today, I will hold you in my prayers. That is all I can do for me and for you.
God Bless...
Wow. I don't even know what to say. Other than my heart is with you and it must be so hard to love someone so much who is in this situation.
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