Last night was another bad night at home, he also bent the rim on his car wheel which was just replaced weeks ago at the tune of $1,500 paid by me, my sis and my mom. I am going to resort to very tough love with him. I feel like I'm losing him - he's very depressed. Hasn't shaved in days. Hasn't taken care of anything he should be doing. Is getting all D's in school. Has missed a ton of school due to being unable to force himself out of bed. Drugs? Depression? Both? Something is wrong. This is not normal. If this was normal all the kids would be going through something similar.Its so glaringly obvious to me now, but at the time I did not want to believe he had a drug problem. I think in my case denial was a form of self-preservation. It sounds selfish but I knew that if I acknowledged how serious his problem was my life as I knew it would be over (which is how I felt when I found out I was pregnant in 1990 - I'll save that for another day). I also see the enabling that my family did over and over and over.
But to not recognize it would be to let my son die. I have learned so much since the day I wrote that. I was right - my life has never been the same, and never will be again. But my son is still alive so far and is getting help.
IF YOU SUSPECT YOUR CHILD IS USING DRUGS - THEY MOST LIKELY ARE! Of course when you confront them they will lie so you need to drug test them and take immediate action. By action I mean stop giving them money, stop doing anything that will allow them to continue down that path. Unfortunately sending an unwilling child to rehab rarely works, save your thousands of dollars until he/she asks (if they do).
I wish I would have know many of you back t hen. Its been one year since I first realized K had used heroin and/or cocaine intravenously and I went into THREE MONTHS of denial!
I have some other posts from that time period to share later this week.
Here he is a few months before he started using. Look how HAPPY he was!!! The smile is fake but you can see it in his eyes. His girlfriend was with him for a year, but she left him 4 months into his addiction. I was so proud of her, and so sad that he lost such a nice girl.
11 comments:
Denial is such a powerful force, until we are forced to see the truth. Your honesty here is beautiful. Blessing to you and thanks for sharing your private thoughts.
This is the exact reason I think keeping some type of journal or writing, blogging, etc., is so important. We are able to look back and the lessons we learn glare right back at us. Thank you for sharing this painful memory.
I hope you help a parent with this post. Every word could not be more true.
Maybe the depression came first and then the drugs. I find it so hard to comprehend having a perfectly great life going and then getting hooked on drugs. What would be the point? Lots of kids experiment with drugs and then move on. The ones that stick with it must have something else going on in the background don't you think? I have 3 siblings all older, all hooked on drugs or alcohol most of their adult life. Why?
Denial is a coping mechanism that we all use. Of course it is not healthy and later comes to haunt us when the undesireable behavior continues because we did not deal with it. As parents we want so badly for are kids to have the best and when something like this happen we must defend. Let go, let God, Acceptance is the first step, the true key to recovery.
Hi Cheri, its so common to start out in denial...its just hard to comprehend. You had a lot of courage and did the right thing with your son.
Hi Kay! Thanks. I rather be honest and sometimes feel embarrassed than keep something hidden and let the experience "go to waste".
Midnite, thank you so much, your words mean a lot. Been thinking about you!
Mom of OA, I have been keeping journals since I was a kid and don't think I could have made it through certain things without an outlet...and like you said, to be able to look back is very insightful.
Madison, wow. thanks.
Lacey, I wish i knew the answer to that. I know he's had depression and anxiety most of his life. The WHY is the mystery, I have to believe its somehow a chemical imbalance since my whole family suffers from depression for "no apparent reason". Out of his entire group of friends he's the only one that got hooked on drugs - then of course he made new friends that were also addicts...its a sad cycle.
Michael, yes when I accepted it I did feel a sense of relief...followed by terror, fear and anxiety :) Seriously, it has to be the first step and is often the hardest especially for parents who think their kids are "too smart" or "too well adjusted" to become addicted.
I'm sorry that Keven went down a sad and pointless path. Hopefully, he has decided to change that and really live life.
It is a sad cycle, but not an unbreakable one.
As with all things about raising children, there is no wrong or right way. When my parents found out I was using, I was told I could/should do it at home. It kept me off the streets and away from the seamier side of things. Of course, when I left home all the rules went out the window. But I still believe that they offered me a form of protection for 3 or 4 of my most vulnerable years.
O Zone, I am curious, were you raised in the U.S. or Europe or? I've noticed over the years that many things in Europe are looked at so differently than here. That intrigues me. For example, over there people don't think twice about a woman sunbathing topless at the beach, here its a scandal. I would love to understand what causes those kinds of difference, any ideas?
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