He also told me that Keven is a very smart, very cool person, but that he thinks way too much and makes things much more complicated than they need to be. Boy, that's an understatement. I think that's the crux of a lot of his problems. His mind won't let him relax, he's always stressed out and worried. I don't know what to do for him other than get him more counseling (which costs money I don't have).
I feel sad for him right now. I am not sure why its so hard for him. Is it something I did? Did I fail to provide him with the life skills he needs to cope? I'm not blaming myself, just sad that he has been this way for most of his life.
I love my son more than anything. I miss him. I want him to be a survivor, to experience freedom and peace and a sense of self worth.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
21 comments:
I can relate Barbara. For me, I had to come to a place where I respected my son's intelligence and let him decide when to bring me into the mix. Hard to stand by and watch during hard times though.
Barbara,
Time for me to slap you up side the head on this post.
Allow Keven to live life on his terms. Stop playing "mommy". If Keven is so smart why are you calling Unidos about his doctors appointment? Why don't you just tell Keven about the appointment and why are you even involved in it at all. Why are you doing things for Keven he needs to do for himself? Allow Keven the rewards of managing his life good or bad, success or failure.
Trust me I know from experience on this one. Mommy, get off the white horse, stop riding in to the rescue. No one learns how to shovel their way out of shit until you allow them to handle the shovel.
Sorry if I pissed you off. I hope you aren't sitting there right now listing your excuses.
I love you Barbara, but please allow Keven to be the man he wants to be. Sometimes they surprise you.
You are a fantastic mother, never forget that.
Thank you Bob, Ron and Joey. I appreciate all your comments.
Ron, even yours :)
I will only make one excuse related to why I called Unidos: because I have to be the one to tell the director that Keven has an appointment so he will be allowed to leave in my custody, with an escort. Kev can't use the payphone till after 5 pm but that's not the reason I made the dr. apt. But I could lie and say it is :)
Oh Ron, I'm not pissed at all. I do feel like crying, not because you hurt me, but because I know you're right.
What Ron said. Part of the reason why our addicts are so "crippled" is because we treated them like they are. We need to give them the chance to live life on their terms. It is really the biggest gift we can give them. It is a paradigm shift for us parents.
Ditto what Ron said. I think that you know that his troubles aren't caused by you. Allow Keven the dignity to have his own successes and failures. You aren't his Higher Power, Barbara. I too know your fear, but he will do what he is going to do whether you are there or not. Hovering over him doesn't help.
It is hard not to want to jump in and take care of things for our kids. We have done it for so long. The problem is that our kids are adults now and we need to let them take responsibility for things that adults need to learn to do.
Lately I have wanted to ask my son a lot of things about what is going on in his life but to save my sanity I have taken to repeating over and over in my head, "It is none of my business, it is none of my business." I try to keep our conversations limited to what is going on around us at the moment. It is not my buisness whether or not he had paid his utility bill or how his relationship is going with his new female friend. Which are the two things that I have been tempted to ask about lately.
I wouldn't smack you upside the but I agree with Ron and Bris. You gotta let him take care of his business.
Hang in there! You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Terri
You know I can relate to how your feeling Barbara! What others have said here makes sense...... and I'm trying like hell to remember that too with my own son. Keven has alot going on right now and he is bound to be emotional but, he'll get thru it. We ALL have off days in life - right?! We all have to work thru it and he will too.
I love this post AND fellow blogger comments. My very bright son sounds just like yours. WHY oh WHY do I want to help him and mother? HE'S 24 years old. I must keep my distance and treat him like a grown up! It's for him to figure out now. I do have those sucky times where I wonder, what did I do that left him so ill prepared for life? Well heck, it wasn't me, it was his disease. Blessings and thank you for your blog.
ok....I'll weigh in on the other side.....I would like to know how anyone could call after 5 p.m. to a doctor's office and get an appt.? I can't do that myself, and I'm not an addict and am adept at scheduling appt.s and following through with them,etc..
As far as Keven's mind not slowing down, and/or the worry....I think that's SO typical of addicts...but NOT because of the disease of addiction, per se. I think that those with overactive minds, who are "worriers" tend to develop into addicts more often that those that don't have those types of minds. What you described is very very typical of someone with ADD or ADHD with anxiety, which isn't anything you caused due to how you brought him up,..other than wanting to blame your own(or his father's, or both) genes. And I swear...how many of our addicts have ADD or ADHD with anxiety ?....seems like the vast majority of them, and that came BEFORE the addiction. O.K....that's my 2 cents. :)
Have any of the places he has been in helped address his overactive mind, teaching meditation techniques etc? It makes total sense that more addicts have overactive minds - who wouldn't want to get away from that?
Gee Barbara, I didn't think your actions warranted the outcry.
Every addict I've known has worry and anxiety problems. Which came first-- the worry or the addiction. I have no idea but they go hand in hand.
Andrew's therapist once had him tell her everything he had worried about that week. Then she pointed out one by one that none of those things had happened. He found it helpful.
Unfortunately you cannot instill self worth. That is built right action by right action by right action. That is a principle of NA.
A couple of lines I have started using are:
1. It's not my problem!
and
2. It's not about me!
Please seek some co-dependance help for yourself so that you can start living your life. Hand Keven's life to him. He deserves it...and YOU deserve it, Barbara.
Take care.
It hurts so much to let him go and not know what will happen to him....he's my only child. He's the most important thing in the world to me. I am not making excuses, I just don't get how the heart every stops aching. I know it has for some of you.
I'm just really bummed right now.
(Sue they tried teaching him yoga and meditation but he didn't put much effort into it)
Detachment is a discipline that takes practice. Everyday you have to detach. With each "incident" you have to detach.
Remember you are not "parenting" anymore. By their late teens you're parenting is done. Your relationship with your son has to move on. He is an adult. You need to treat him like one.
He will survive, or not. But it's his choice, not yours. He'll work his recovery, or not. Again, it's his choice.
We all have our "sad" days. Feel the saddness then move on.
God Bless
Yaya, thanks. I like the way you said that. It helped, but its still such a harsh reality that he may NOT survive.
"success usually comes to those who aare too busy to be looking for it." Henry David Thoreau
I agree with Lou that making and appointment is no big deal. I do think that you need something else in your life that makes you happy. Whatever that ends up being, you need to spend some time each day with that something that makes you happy. It is the small moments of happiness and humor that can sustain us through the heartaches.
I notice that music is a source of joy for you. Follow your joy.
I like what Anna says, Ms B. It's hard to follow your joy - how weird is that? But it is. It must be really hard in this situation because I imagine if you're anything like me there would be that voice that tells you you're not allowed to somehow, that it's too flippant, or whatever crap it says to you. Despite that voice and my own hypocrisy, I STILL like what Anna says :D
Sue, I like what Anna says too
(Thanks, Anna!)
She's been through hell and back this year yet still takes the time to encourage others. That says a lot.
love going out to your son. i am not a believer in 12 step recovery--at all--more so in myself and in harm reduction i think 12 step can harm ppl. i say this not to judge, but just in case anyone here needs to know/hear it is not the only way. i m not sure what he (your son) is doing. totally not my business. but i am thinking about you and yer son. i have a boy, too., mine is 12.
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