Acceptance

What would I do without this blog? A place to write out what I am thinking and feeling related to the most horrible thing in my life. I am a survivor of some very heavy stuff. I am strong. I have overcome a lot and continually work on improving myself in my areas of weakness (which I am well aware of, trust me on that one - smile).

BUT, the one area that I have been weak, and continue to struggle and suffer through is being a mother. I have heard for years from people in my son's life and my life what a "good mom" I am. I love hearing that, what parent doesn't want to hear that?

I also know what it means: It means that they see how much I love my son. They see that the mistakes I make are out of love, not neglect or uncaring. I LOVE my son as most parents love their children. If only "bad parents" had kids in jail, addicted to drugs or committing crimes, our jail system would be UNDER crowded.

And I know what it doesn't mean: It does not mean I have done a good job. I have screwed up royally and in hindsight I clearly see it.

Most parents love their kids and do their best, our mistakes are made with good intentions.

So its not easy to accept that this Good Mom has produced such a messed up kid. Its not easy to have every area of my life affected by his drug addiction. Sometimes the pain feels similar to my sciatic nerve the other day - unbearable, and I want to do something to make it go away. But trips to the ER, Al-Anon, Prayer, Support Groups, etc. etc. don't make it go away. I think it will always be there.

Yet, I am learning to ACCEPT and in acceptance a bit of the pain eases up. Not much, but a bit. I imagine it gets easier with time, but I hope to not find out. I hope to have a miracle like my friend Suzie had with her daughter, Angel.

• I accept that I did not cause my son's drug addiction and can't fix it
• I accept that he may very well follow this lifestyle for years to come
• I accept that he may never have a career, let alone a decent job
• I accept he may never marry and give me a grandchild
• I accept he may give me tons of grandchildren all from different moms that I wont' be able to be close to :(
  
• I accept that he has been convicted of a felony
• I accept that he doesn't have control over his actions right now
• I accept that I can't trust him, that he will lie to me, steal from me and take advantage of me whenever possible
• I accept that this is not hopeless, that he may get better
• I accept that its not up to me, its entirely up to him

(This post was prompted when I got off the phone with a dear woman I have known since K was in the third grade. It was at that time that I first took him to a psychiatrist, all those years ago I knew something was wrong but for some reason he was never helped by meds or counseling or both. Anyhow, this woman just shared with me that her son started using drugs when he was 19. I never knew that about her before. She also shared that he is now 36 and in Chino (toughest prison in our state). It was another reminder that life does not always go as planned. This may be his life forever. Or, I may not see my son live to see his 21st birthday - or maybe 19th for that matter! Although it was depressing to hear her share about her son, it also was a good reminder to me to "accept the things I can not change....")