Today I decided to surprise him since no one else was going to visit him. Bad idea. That ear to ear grin from last time was MIA and the first words out of his mouth were "will you please stop sending me letters that say the same thing over and over, I get it, okay?"
I was hurt, he saw the hurt and then was upset that I was upset. I'll spare you the details but most of the conversation was all about him, his needs, his wants. I don't think he's ready. I fear that he's going to get out and use again. Don't they usually?
What will it take? I don't know. I just feel hurt, angry and very tired from lack of sleep last night. I slept from 7:30 am - 9:45 am. No kidding, that was it. I tossed and turned from 2-3, got up till 4, tossed and turned till 5 got up till 7 and finally fell asleep. I don't think Ambien works on me anymore :(
Also - I am very worried about Ant. I mentioned to K what he said to me on the phone the other night and K said "I hope he's not thinking of offing himself, he talks about it sometimes". Holy Father God - WHY? Why is there so much pain in the lives of these young people????
On the other hand, I talked about offing myself throughout my entire life....it comes from a sense of deep despair and hopelessness that feels like it will never end. But it does if you wait it out. I guess some of us are just wired to be depressed. If I could do one thing with the rest of my life it would be to reach out to these hurting young people.
4 comments:
I had very similar jail visits with my son. It was always about his suffering, the money he NEEDED on his books to get just the necessities, how could his grandpa turn him in for hot checks, how dare he. Oh and of course being in the wrong place and the wrong time, blah, blah, blah. I came to realize recently to not take it personally. He is self-absorbed because all drug addicts are. He is ungrateful becasue again, they do nothing wrong, never need to be sorry and why is everyone making such a big deal out of it! Ha...it was hard to sit there and listen to the crap. I lately have just been trying to set my boundaries and stick to them, no backing down. Our boys will only get clean when they hit there personal "bottom" and find their own motivation to become well again. Until then we just have to detach with love and allow them to learn their life lessons. God Bless and I am so fortunate to have you in my blog world, you are a great support to me!
Dad, I never even considered NOT visiting him. Dang, this really shows me how enmeshed I still am and how far I have to go. Or maybe it's a mom thing? If I had a husband that said "no, we are not visiting" I would have said "you're right, that makes sense" Well maybe I would have said that...maybe I would have cried....THANK YOU for this eye opening comment.
Renee, WOW. Another off the charts comment that I needed to hear. Yep, our boys are exactly the same. Its the addict personality. I know my son was not that way BEFORE (ungrateful, self centered, etc) he was not a perfect kid but he was always so thankful for any little thing and now he's demanding and feels entitled to everything he wants.
Thanks for your words. I needed them this morning!
Oh, Barbara. I'm so sorry. I just added you to my blogroll...and how did I miss this blog? I'm going to follow you even more closely. Your son is a beautiful boy. My son doesn't read my letters, either. He says that it hurts too much.
I'm with you, all the way, my friend. We are closely connected as moms.
blessings to you.
Post a Comment