Good Friends, Bad Friends

UPDATE: this is sad, he (Ant) called me tonight with one of those "favors" addicts ask and they honestly think it sounds legitimate and that you won't see through it. It was a very bold favor which tells me he's in a bad place. I said no, and my heart sunk. I hate this shit (heroin) so much I can't even find words vile enough to describe my hate for it.

If your a Zeppelin fan you may recall the first verse of their song, "Good Times, Bad Times". It reminds me a lot of my son and his friends:

In the days of my youth I was told what it was to be a man, Now I've reached the age I've tried to do all those things the best I can. No matter how I try, I find my way to do the same old jam.

I've known most of K's friends for years, some for most of his lifetime. There's several of them that I have gown to love. Sadly I have to categorize them in my mind as "good friends" and "bad friends". I am sure you can figure out why someone would fall into the bad friend category, but that doesn't mean I love those guys any less than the good ones.

Because of his drug use K lost all but one good friend during this last year. I watched as they stood by him during the beginning but each one faded away as they saw that he was not changing his way - he was still using. (Except good old Andrew who lives two doors away and still hangs out with K).

I got to see two of the good friends yesterday and got big hugs from both of them. One is heading off for one of the best 4 year colleges in our state the other is enrolled in the local community college. I was so happy for them. We didn't really say much about K - they know where he is, what more can they say? They were there at the hospital with me when he OD's, they were at my house talking and letting him cry and on their shoulders into the wee hours of morning many times. They included him, they tried to steer him away from drugs. I am touched by their efforts.

Then there are his bad friends. Only one of his bad friends still matters to me. His name is Ant and he calls himself "my second son". He lost his mother several years ago, she was killed when a meth lab exploded. His dad has been in and out of prison most of his life, he doesn't really know him. His brother is a tough guy that I would not want to mess with, just looking at him scares me.

Ant is an addict too. So I love him, but with that caution you have to use around addicts "is he bullshitting me or are these tears real?" He called today to see what the outcome of K's court appearance was yesterday. Then we talked about him. I could tell by his voice it was not good.

He left the sober living home he was in, has been using and has a warrant out for his arrest (he was in hardcore prison - Chino, for those familiar with the CA State Penitentiary system) and has been out for about 5 months. He started crying telling me he did not want to go back there and that his only hope was to get into a rehab "out of county" (meaning not here in OC). He has one in mind and is trying to get in. He asked me if I had any suboxone left, I said no. I wanted desperately to offer to take him to the doctor and get some, but I can NOT do that. It kills me, but I just can't spend money on him, the risk is too high.

Ant borrowed $60 from my mom when I was in Wisconsin. We'll never see it again. He asked me to lend him some money when he got out of prison so he could start his tattoo business (he is very, very talented but was using prison made equipment!). I said no, I would not lend him money but I would invest in his business by buying him the equipment (obviously this was when I had a job!). He was ecstatic and has been doing really well building up a bunch of clients and getting a portfolio of his work together. I am proud of him.

So today when we were talking he said, "tell K I love him but that there is no way we can see each other for a long time. We can't get clean together. We are a bad influence on each other. We have to do it separately then we can be bros again". He also gave me a list of five guys (new friends that I don't know well) that I should forbid K to see. One was someone K SWORE was not a druggie. I am glad Ant is committed to getting clean and I just pray to God that he can do it. He also has a son, about 2 years old, that he needs to be there for and I think that is part of his motivation. The little boy knows his Daddy, but not that well. I hope by the time the little guy is three, his dad is clean and sober and visiting him often. Boys need dads.