Best Phone Call Ever

I wasn't going to share this because it falls under the category of "Hopeful" and I've learned that getting my hopes up about how well K seems to be doing often (always?) ends in disappointment.

But, it was such a great conversation!  I listened to a bright young man speaking about his plans for the future, thanking me for all the love, support, time and energy I've given lately, and best of all, the things he's learning about himself.

I can tell he's going to NA meetings because he seems to be grasping a lot of the concepts of that program.  He used to say NA was stupid and just made him want to use.

He sounded so clear, so sure of himself.  It was the voice of confidence and determination but with a lot of realistic observations thrown in.  He said he knows people usually "switch addictions" in recovery and his new addiction is going to BE recovery.  He said he's dedicating the next year of his life to this program (Recovery Court and all it includes) and is going to take advantage of everything it offers.  He knows sobriety is a lifelong pursuit.

He talked about the classes he wants to take, some ideas he has for a project he wants to do with ME, and of how he needs to make all new friends.

He had high praises for the Judge and how he could tell she genuinely cares about him and the others in the program.  He noticed that some of the participants that spoke yesterday were genuinely excited about their lives and he wanted the same for himself.

He told me that one thing I said in a letter really got to him.  It had to do with how I missed out on knowing his 18 year old self because he was either high or incarcerated.  He realized that half of his 18th year of life has been spent in jail or rehab (by the time he is done).  He said the other half was spent high or trying to figure out a way to get high.  He said a year is a small price to pay considering he has his whole life to live.

I had to wonder....is this just talk?  Does he want something?  Is he playing me again?  Will he keep this attitude and commitment to recovery, or will it fade? 

Then I realized something - this is the first time in years he's had a clear head.  He's got 40 days clean and sober.  That's a record.  He stopped using heroin for 30 days once but was still smoking weed and drinking and doing who knows what else.

We laughed, we talked, we CONNECTED.  It was awesome.  I had a glimpse of what it would be like to have my son back, as a young adult, as a functioning human being.  And I loved it.

I am very proud of my son.  Not for all of the above, but just because of who he is as a person.  I always have been.  Even when he's led into the courtroom shackled and handcuffed in the attractive orange jumpsuit - I smile and hope everyone there knows that he's my kid.  

Of course I am ashamed of many of the things he's done, disappointed in his decisions, disgusted by his behaviors...but I am still proud of him.  Weird, huh?

...and a true miracle - he didn't ask for a dang thing the whole call.  That's a first!