1. I can't express how grateful I am for the comments I receive here, and for the openness of other parents on their blogs. No one can understand what this is like unless they lived it so your words are like water for my thirst in this desert of death (sorry, just in one of those moods).
2. Then there is my sweet young friend, Angel, who was an addict and gives me perspective from that side and tells me what her parents did right and wrong to help her (basically - to NOT help her).
3. I have mentioned before how much I love some of K's friends. One in particular named Ant. Hearing his story you would not be at all surprised that his life involves drugs and crimes, he was raised in that lifestyle. Lost his mom to drugs and his father to prison. Ant's gf is "Kay" who happens to be the first person K did heroin with. She comes from the "perfect family" so it once again reminds us that IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT KIND OF PARENT YOU ARE, ITS NOT OUR FAULT.
4. Kay called today to see if I'd heard from Ant. I had just been talking to my boyfriend and mentioned that I had NOT heard from either of them lately and my gut feeling was that they were using. I was right (don't you hate that?). Kay was distraught because she and Ant got pulled over and had weed and syringes in the car. Ant ran. Not a smart move. I assumed he was in jail so got on line and was able to tell her all the details. What bothers me the most is that SHE is using again after doing so good for so long. I HATE THAT STUFF! So I will not allow either of them in my home unless K is not here.
5. Things that are good about K being in jail:
- I dont' have to wonder where he is
- I dont' have to wonder if he's going to OD
- I don't have to worry all night because of the above two
- I don't have to hide my car keys, money and valuable
- I save money buy not having to feed him or drive him places
- He is clean!
- He is safe!
- He is learning from this (hopefully)
- He has lots of time to read, go to meetings and think about life
6. Ant and K are now in the same jail together - part of me hopes they run into each other because it would cool for him to see a friendly face in there and A is only serving a THREE DAY term. Most of me hopes they are no where near each other.
7. A three day term for breaking parole AND running from the cops? Kay took the heat for the needles and weed and got a ticket. I wish they would have taken her to jail too, maybe it would push her a bit closer to getting (and staying) clean. Our justice system is very weird - don't even get me started on that today.
8. I can honestly say that this has been one of the worst weeks of my entire life. It has nothing to do with K. Its something on top of all that. Its something personal and ugly and sad. I have drugs in the house (from a back injury) and had a fleeting thought of taking enough to ease my emotional pain. No Way. It may hurt more than a knife in the back but not worth the risk of getting addicted (they are opiates...how ironic that i have OPIATES in my HOUSE!) They were not here before and will be tossed before comes home.
9. My dear sweet aunt (she's a nun) just called and reminded me she prays for K every day and that God loves him, and loves me. I have been a Christian most of my life and never felt God's love but I know people who do. I feel cheated, I wish I could feel it if its true, it would be nice.
10. I have a list of people from all the blogs I read by hurting parents/addicts and think/pray for you all each day.
6 comments:
Sometimes we feel that God is far away. When we feel this it is false. We have a powerful advesary who seeks to steal, to kill, to destroy (John 10:10). God is always near, seek Him. Do not fear taking your meds. As long as you take them as prescibed, there is no danger. When Kevan comes hoe do not throw away your pills. \keep them under lock and key and keep your pain under control.
#8: Good for you! Pills are a fast way out of a wave of emotional pain..temporarily. Then, the pain comes back like a tsunami.
Michael,
thank you. as for the meds I am in no pain right now, it was for a one time thing so i hopefully will never need them again. i should toss them they are tempting me big time, especially the valium.
Madison, thanks and see above comment :) !!! You are a sweetheart.
I remember when I had a complete shoulder replacement they give me some really good stuff i the hospital. They sent me home with some good stuff too. I took only a few, I have a pretty high tolerance for pain and I really don't like introducing chemicals like that in my body. I always figure that pain was natures way way of saying, "Dumb ass don't do that again."
I had almost a full bottle left over after one refill. My son really enjoyed them. This was before we knew the depth of his addiction.
Dad - OUCH. What did you do to hurt your shoulder?
Yeah, they gave me a shot of good stuff at the hospital and I was flying high.
Now the pain is emotional so I don't think it work that way and if so I would be addicted in a second.
No trauma, just old age I guess. Doc said probably will have it done about every 10 years. I've 5 on this one.
The physical terrorists were worse that then surgery but I believe in those people. Physical terrorism works.
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