Guess who showed up at my house assuming (correctly) that I would let him stay here a few days? Yep, ANTHONY. I freaked when I saw him - I didn't know he was out. He actually left 24 hours early against medical advice but is resting a lot.
He's breaking in K's new room for him, which K does not know but would not mind at all. Right now his gf and another friend are over here and its pretty wild to hear laughter and young people's voices in the house again. Its been 5 months since I've heard that. Other than the "F" word flying around freely, its a good sound. (actually, I am immune to the F word but I don't like it when people say it in front of my mom).
Speaking of my mom, she clung to Anthony and cried when she saw him. He's got a lot of people pulling for him.
I wish I could sit here and say I have confidence in him to never use again. I have hope.
I miss my son. Hearing their voices and knowing he's not in there...makes me miss him even more.
P.S. Now he got his guitar out and is playing and singing "Hotel California" (out of tune but its still cool to hear some live music).
P.S.S. I was reading about this young man who died of a heroin overdose last week when Anthony walked in to tell me he was going to Denny's for an omelet with gf. I showed him the pic of the young man and mother and read what the grieving mother said on her blog. He hugged me and said "please don't read any more...I can't take it". I just looked up and said "Reality". My heart breaks for that mother tonight.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
9 comments:
I am glad you are happy, but I don't think this is a good thing. I had actually written much more and deleted it because I don't really think you want to hear it, so we will leave it at that and hope for the best.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Apply it to Anthony as well.
I understand why you do what you do and why you feel what you feel - but from my view of addiction, addicts learn a significant lesson in pain. Stepping in to stop the pain, thinking that you can walk two steps ahead and make the path to recovery easier, providing a cozy room sometimes interrupts a beautiful lesson. Sometimes. Just a thought. I pray for K and Anthony every day and think God must really care about them if these two guys pop into my head in the middle of a busy day. Sometimes addicts can look better physically and we breathe easy. But, they are enormously sick (as you know). Given freedom, left to a soft bed and choices, their brains continually make choices that kill them. Straight to rehab, lockdown, do not pass go. But, I do understand your heart and I am so happy to hear that Anthony is alive.
Nice that you could give Ant a place to stay, but I just think you are putting yourself at risk. This is an unstable young man who brings an element into your home of danger and uncertainly. He just might OD at your house. I hope you layed some very strict conditions to him being there. The "F" word should not be allowed in your home if it offends your Mom. There is no excuse for this type of language. He is AMA, which likley means he is not stable.
I am not going to allow someone who was on life support clinging to life to live on the street in this condition. He is weak, he needs a safe place to rest. If he ends up stealing from me, that's a risk I am willing to take but I really don't think he will. He's got till Tues. to find a rehab to get into (which he's working on himself, I am not helping him) and if he doesn't have one its back to Chino. I feel good that I can provide him with a safe, loving environment for a few days.
As for letting him feel pain. He is in plenty of pain physically from an abcess on his hand and he's had emotional pain since his early childhood. I think sometimes the opposite is needed: unconditional love.
He is thankful, polite and my lonely old mom loves having him here to talk to about her plants, her pets, her childhood. He actually listens.
So he's actually helping my family too.
I may not be playing by the "rules" but I am following my gut. There is nothing I can do to control his choices to use or not use. He's going to do it if he wants to. Of course if he does it while here he will be kicked out immediately.
If your perception of addiction does not change, you will be useless to Keven when he gets out. I think you need to get more help for you while Keven is trying to recover. I still believe him coming home to your house/family is the wrong move until there is change there. I am sorry, I really am. I think you aren't seeing the rescuer in you as others see it. Following your gut has not worked well for Keven in the past or you. I think some rules may be in order.
I don't think honesty is rude. How long have you known Barbara or any of us to say that? Would you rather we just watched her make choices we felt were bad and see the consequences? She has always said she appreciates the different opinions she gets here, and really thinks them over. Just because you don't agree doesn't make yours any better or worse than any of ours. Sometime thoughts don't transfer well to written word. The point is we care about Barbara and Keven and have for a long time. Opinions are like...
sending prayers.
Barbara, I think that you have a big heart. And a lot of compassion. Just take care of yourself also.
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